Saturday, December 27, 2003

THE KING OF RINGS

Piker intended to live at the movie theater this holiday season. It hasn't quite worked out that way, but Piker has seen two movies. The first was Bad Santa, which had its funny moments but was ultimately unsatisfying and nothing special. Yesterday, Piker saw The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. It too had its funny moments, but was ultimately one of the most satisfying and special movies Piker has even seen. Piker actually shed tears in the third Act. The trilogy as a whole was such a powerful experience. What amazed Piker most was the combination of technical mastery of the visual world of Tolkien's books and the sterling storytelling structure that leads to a highly emotional experience. Peter Jackson obviously deserves much of the credit as director of this massive undertaking. The Lord of the Rings trilogy is so humongus in scope and so technical and complicated that what may get lost in talking about these films is Jackson's work with the actors. He elicits so many great acting performances, both large and small, and accomplishes the elusive cohesion that every director strives for, where every part serves the whole. In fact, every last detail on that screen displays the work of a master filmmaker getting the very best work out of hundreds and hundreds of people who participated in mounting this epic series. Not since the first Star Wars trilogy has such a saga captured the imagination of a movie-going generation.

I first read "The Hobbit" in seventh grade. Tolkien's world was etched in my little Piker brain, but for some reason, I never read The Lord of the Rings trilogy of books. In a way, I'm glad. It allowed me to view the movies with fresh eyes and that child-like sense of wonder of what would happen next. Now that I've seen the entire trilogy up on that big screen, I'm ready to tackle the series of books. In fact, I'm more psyched than ever to read them.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 17

12/27 1:30 PM ET

Buffalo
NEW ENGLAND -9

12/27 5:00 PM ET

Seattle
SAN FRANCISCO -2.5

12/27 8:30 PM ET

Philadelphia -8
WASHINGTON

12/28 1:00 PM ET

Jacksonville
ATLANTA -3

Cleveland
CINCINNATI -7.5

St. Louis -10
DETROIT

Indianapolis -7
HOUSTON

Chicago
KANSAS CITY -9.5

N.Y Jets
MIAMI -4

Dallas -1.5
NEW ORLEANS

Tampa Bay
TENNESSEE -7

12/28 4:05 PM ET

Minnesota -7.5
ARIZONA

Carolina -5
N.Y. GIANTS

Denver
GREEN BAY -6.5

Oakland
SAN DIEGO -4

12/28 8:30 PM ET

Pittsburgh
BALTIMORE -7.5

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 16 RESULTS

Piker's three-week streak of going 10-6 was snapped last week with a ho-hum bah humbug 8-8 mark. Starting last Saturday, Piker struggled to keep his head above water, as Minnesota blindsided Kansas City and friggin' New England stymied Chad Pennington drive after drive. New England impresses Piker to no end. They are the type of team Piker wishes his fickle Phins could be. They're tough at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball, they force turnovers and don't make many mistakes themselves, they play smart, they play with heart, and they find ways to win. The Pats did the same things two years ago that they've done this year, and two years ago they won the Super Bowl. Piker doesn't think there's any question they can do it again, but the AFC is packed this season. Despite getting blown out by Minnesota last week and flailing a bit in December, KC is a damn good football team that could take the conference. Ditto for Indianapolis, which was dominated Sunday night by Denver. The Broncos are dangerous right now. They're playing their best football of the year when it matters most. If Clinton Portis can get healthy for the playoffs, that team could take the conference as well. But Piker's Pick is the Tennessee Titans. Picked 'em at the beginning of the year, sticking with 'em now. Air McNair is the McMan and Jeff Fischer has really earned my respect over the years. That being said, Piker half-expects the Pats to continue to beat the odds by beating everyone else.

Parity also exists in the NFC title chase, but on paper it seems much clearer. St. Louis and Philly are the class of the conference and Piker anticipates them matching up for the right to play for the Silver Ball. Carolina has already overachieved and doesn't seem like they have quite enough to win on the road in a second-round playoff game. Ditto for Dallas. And whichever two out of Minnesota, Green Bay, or Seattle make it in, Piker doesn't think they'll last long. Although, Brett Favre proved once again Monday night that the man is magic. He is what sports heroes are all about.

So, all in all, we could be looking at a repeat matchup of one of the best Super Bowls ever -- The Rams and The Titans. Maybe the Titans can get that extra yard and actually win this time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Piker knows, this is all moot because Teddy Bruschi and Willie McGinest and Tom Brady and Bill Belichek won't let the Patriots lose to anybody.

WON: Atlanta, Miami, Baltimore, Washington, St. Louis, Pittsburgh, Seattle, Green Bay

LOST: Kansas City, N.Y. Jets, Carolina, Jacksonville, N.Y. Giants, Tennessee, Philadelphia, Indianapolis

The season total for Piker Picks is now 116-100-8. With 16 games left in the season, Piker is now assured of at least a .500 finish and .500 would mean losing every single game this week. Another 10-6 week would mean Piker would finish 20 games over .500 and that would please Piker almost as much as the Ricky Williams jersey Piker received for Christmas.

Oh, and by the way, the Dolphins suck for not making the playoffs again. With all that talent, there's just no excuse. This prompts Piker to repeat his Miami mantra: Wannestadt Must Walk, Ricky Must Run.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 16

12/20 1:30 PM ET

Atlanta
TAMPA BAY -8.5

12/20 5:00 PM ET

Kansas City -3
MINNESOTA

12/20 8:30 PM ET

New England -3
N.Y. JETS

12/21 1:00 PM ET

Miami
BUFFALO -2

Baltimore -3
CLEVELAND

Washington
CHICAGO -4.5

Cincinnati
ST. LOUIS -7

Detroit
CAROLINA -9

New Orleans
JACKSONVILLE -2

N.Y. Giants
DALLAS -10.5

Tennessee -6
HOUSTON

12/21 4:05 PM ET

San Diego
PITTSBURGH -6

San Francisco
PHILADELPHIA -7.5

Arizona
SEATTLE -14

12/21 8:30 PM ET

Denver
INDIANAPOLIS -5

12/22 9:00 PM ET

Green Bay -4.5
OAKLAND

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 15 RESULTS

For the third straight week, Piker prognosticated on his own, and for the third straight week Piker achieved a 10-6 record. Consistent, if unspectacular. The season mark currently stands at 108-92-8. After sitting out Week 1 with a variety of disorganization and psychosomatic injuries, Piker is shooting for a 130-win season, while attempting to keep losses under 100. Those are pretty lofty goals and in all likelihood Piker will probably fall short. Just like Piker's beloved (and behated) Miami Dolphins. The December descent has struck the warm-weather Dolphins once again and it is now highly doubtful they'll be receiving an invitation to the NFL's Playoff Party. In all honesty, they don't deserve it. Underachievers need scapegoats. Count Piker among the humidity-laden fair-weather fans of South Florida in calling for the extra large head of one Dave Wannstedt. And as much as Piker enjoys the fact that his favorite football team is quarterbacked by a Long Island Jew who attended the same high school as Piker's mother, Piker knows in his pigskin heart that the Dolphins will never contend for a Super Bowl title with Jay Fiedler at the helm. While we're playing the blame game... Norv Turner has done an awful job calling plays this season, failing to take advantage of his best offensive player. Why he's not buying into Run, Ricky, Run and insisting on finding creative ways to get Ricky the ball in the open field is a baffling mystery to me. In addition, the 'Phins desperately need to upgrade an undersized and undertalented offensive line and acquire a defensive philosophy that utilizes their team speed and great athletes to cause problems for opposing offenses. With all of these lingering issues, the Dolphins just aren't good enough to beat the better teams in the league. Piker is sick and tired of getting fooled into thinking otherwise by their early season performances year in and year out. Wannstedt Must Walk and Ricky Must Run.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

"I AM A GOLDEN GOD"

The 2003 Golden Globe Nominations are out. As the loyalist of loyal Piker enthusiasts know, Piker loves to handicap the Oscars. I'm not sure why this is a favorite pastime, but it is. So, in that spirit, before I make my preliminary predictions, you can check out the full list of nominees and catch up on David Poland's Oscar Rankings.

PIKER'S EARLY OSCAR PREDICTIONS

BEST PICTURE

1. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
2. Cold Mountain
3. Mystic River
4. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
5. In America

Snub: Lost in Translation

BEST DIRECTOR

1. Peter Jackson - LOTR: Return of the King
2. Anthony Minghella - Cold Mountain
3. Clint Eastwood - Mystic River
4. Jim Sheridan - In America
5. Peter Weir - Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

Snub: Sofia Coppola - Lost in Translation

BEST ACTOR

1. Sean Penn - Mystic River
2. Ben Kingsley - House of Sand and Fog
3. Jude Law - Cold Mountain
4. Russell Crowe - Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
5. Bill Murray - Lost in Translation

Snubs: Tom Cruise - The Last Samurai, Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean

BEST ACTRESS

1. Charlize Theron - Monster
2. Nicole Kidman - Cold Mountain
3. Naomi Watts - 21 Grams
4. Samantha Morton - In America
5. Gwyneth Paltrow - Sylvia

Snubs: Jennifer Connelly - House of Sand and Fog, Diane Keaton - Something's Gotta Give

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

1. Benecio Del Toro - 21 Grams
2. Ken Watanabe - The Last Samurai
3. Tim Robbins - Mystic River
4. Albert Finney - Big Fish
5. Alec Baldwin - The Cooler

Snubs: Sean Astin, Sir Ian McKellan - LOTR: Return of the King, Djimon Honsou - In America

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

1. Scarlet Johansson - Lost in Translation
2. Renee Zellweger - Cold Mountain
3. Marcia Gay Harden - Mystic River
4. Holly Hunter - Thirteen
5. Shohreh Aghdashloo - House of Sand and Fog

Snub: Hope Davis - American Splendor

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

1. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
2. Cold Mountain
3. Mystic River
4. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
5. Big Fish

Snubs: American Splendor, House of Sand and Fog

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

1. Lost in Translation
2. In America
3. 21 Grams
4. Love Actually
5. Dirty Pretty Things

Snub: The Last Samurai


All right, that's about all the juice I've got right now. It's late (at least on East Coast time it is) and I've got a big giant day tomorrow. Real quick -- I think Lord of the Rings: Return of the King will win Best Picture and Peter Jackson will win Best Director, I'll go with Poland's Picks of Sean Penn for Best Actor and Charlize Theron for Best Actress, Albert Finney for Best Supporting Actor and Scarlett Johansson for Best Supporting Actress, Lord of the Rings for Best Adapted and Lost in Translation for Best Original Screenplay. This year will feature three Belles of the Ball: Charlize Theron, Scarlett Johansson, and Sofia Coppola, but only one King: Peter Jackson.

I think it's possible I might be starting to get a wee bit amped.


IN THROUGH THE OUT DOOR

Right now, I'm not sure if I'm coming or going. The long and short of it:

Spent a whirlwind weekend in San Francisco, flew back to Los Angeles on Sunday night to have people over for the Survivor Finale, started work on Will & Grace on Monday and Tuesday, then flew to Durham, North Carolina on Wednesday for the holidays.

SAN FRANCISCO

Flew out of Burbank on Southwest, which I must say was an all-around hassle-free trip. Rented a car and drove into the city to eat some phenomenal Chinese food at Brandy Ho's. Checked into the Fairmont Hotel, courtesy of Salon, who was flying My Girl up so she can attend the their Holiday Party. So, attend we did. The affair was held at a swank apartment in Alta Plaza, next to Pacific Heights. Great view of the bay and the Golden Gate Bridge, beautful and tasteful Asian art all over the apartment, a few decent trays of hors d'oeuvres, and some truly interesting and fun people. The party was winding down kind of early, way before the people were actually winding down, so My Girl and I held an impromptu after-party in our hotel room at the Fairmont. And we partied like Internet rock stars. One would have thought it was the halcyon days of 1999, what with all the gusto and fervor with which we threw down. David Talbot, the CEO and an honorable gentleman and scholar to boot, insisted we stay at the Fairmont for the entire weekend, but My Girl would have nothing of it. Instead, we checked out and drove to Our Fantastic Friend's fantastic apartment in an industrial building off Divisidero. Needless to say, Our Fantastic Friend is a fantastic guy with fantastic friends who always treats us with the utmost hospitailty. I mean, the guy gives up his bed for us when we come to town... A real mensch, which incidentally was a recent answer in the Sunday NY Times crossword puzzle. And so Our Fantastic Friend introduced us to his Fantastic Friends and took us to an art opening, a hip-hop party in Oakland, a party at an old school bar that triple-booked parties that night (including a Santa Party and a Hat Party), and a late-night party in Bernall Heights (which didn't end until we took a cab back to Our Fantastic Friend's fantastic apartment at 5:30 in the morning). We slept a couple of hours and then caught an 11:30 am flight back to Burbank.

Backtracking slightly -- We also managed to have dinner with another couple whose wedding we attended last year in Marin County. Their first baby is due to arrive any minute. And we spent some quality time with one of my good friends from LA who relocated to Pacific Heights and is now married to a helluva guy, who I met for the first time, and has the most gorgeous and special eight and half-month old baby girl named India. They're teaching her sign language and trying at all costs to avoid ever having to say the word "no" to her. I love that.

SURVIVOR

I'm so glad Johnny Fuckhead nee Fair Play didn't win. I hate that guy. I know he wanted me to hate him, but that only adds to the overall amount that I hate him. I'm glad Sandra won. Out of all the yahoos left, Sanda was by far the most likable. Besides aligning with Rupert, Sandra didn't seem to play the game all that well, but judging by recent winners, you really don't have to. In fact, if you win too many challenges, you get voted out in the middle somewhere, and if you scheme too much, you make it to the final three before getting voted out. I have to admit I'm kind of psyched for the all-star edition.

WILL & GRACE

I finally got a job on a hit show. It's like a foreign world to me. Things run so smoothly. The writers are efficient and, with the exception of show night, don't work past 7:30. The actors are talented and hit their lines and have fun doing it. The stories work, the scenes work, and the jokes work. The director is great, the crew is great, and the show has money to spend and is generous with it. I had the misfortune of starting work when the holiday gift-giving was full on and everyone was getting piles of presents except me. Not that I thought I deserved gifts after working on the show for a couple of hours, but it's weird when everyone is cashing in and you're left out in the cold. However, I did get to enjoy one gift. Megan treated the people on the show to a taco truck on Tuesday and hired a mariachi band to play during lunch. I had the surreal feeling that this is the kind of stuff I had been missing all these years working on first-year sitcoms that never got out of the gate. Looks like I'll be having myself some fun on this show, and I won't have to give up my social life to do so.

DURHAM

Well, we're home for the holidays. My Girl's Home, actually. We flew in Wednesday night, getting picked up by Super Shuttle at our house in Eagle Rock at 9:30 am PST and arriving at Raleigh/Durham at 10:30 EST. Long, long day. But, I really like My Girl's Family a lot and they're extremely welcoming to me, so there isn't any weirdness. In fact, Babs (My Mom) and Norms (My Gram) are flying up tomorrow to spend the weekend here and meet My Girl's Fam. All parties involved are very easy to get along with, so I'm sure everything will go swimmingly. This holiday break, besides hanging out with My Girl and our families, I plan to do an immense amount of reading, movie viewing, and PlayStation 2 playing. Maybe I'll squeeze in a little shopping and perhaps, if the gods smile on me, some writing while I'm at.

In case this is my last post of the year, (I'm not saying it will be, but just in case), I want to thank the six of you for your loyal readership and wish all of you pikers a Happy Hannukah, a Merry Christmas, and a Damn Good New Year.

Peace. We out.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 15

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

12/14 1:00 PM ET

Minnesota -1.5
CHICAGO

San Francisco
CINCINNATI -2.5

Atlanta
INDIANAPOLIS -7.5

Detroit
KANSAS CITY -14

Jacksonville
NEW ENGLAND -7

Pittsburgh
N.Y. JETS -3

Seattle
ST. LOUIS -7

Houston
TAMPA BAY -6.5

Buffalo
TENNESSEE -6.5

12/14 4:05 ET

Cleveland
DENVER -10.5

Baltimore
OAKLAND -6.5

Dallas
WASHINGTON Pick 'em

Carolina -6.5
ARIZONA

Green Bay -5
SAN DIEGO

12/14 8:30 PM ET

N.Y. Giants
NEW ORLEANS -7

12/15 9:00 PM ET

Philadelphia
MIAMI -1.5

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 14 RESULTS

Late at night. Flying out in the morning. Piker not have much time to type.

Piker not happy about Dolphin game. Piker not feel good about Jay Fiedler right now. Piker not pleased with offensive line.

PIker not shocked by anything in Week 14. Piker kind of surprised about Denver over K.C. and Indy over Tennessee.

Piker go 10-6 in Week 14. Piker overall record for the year now 98-86-8.

WON: Baltimore, San Diego, Green Bay, Washington, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, New England, Atlanta, St. Louis

LOST: Houston, Seattle, New Orleans, Tennessee, N.Y. Jets, Kansas City

PIKER POWER RANKINGS

After Week 14

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (2)

2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3)

3. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

4. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (5)

5. TENNESSEE TITANS (4)

6. ST. LOUIS RAMS (6)

7. CAROLINA PANTHERS (7)

8. DENVER BRONCOS (13)

9. MIAMI DOLPHINS (8)

10. BALTIMORE RAVENS (11)

11. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (14)

12. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9)

13. DALLAS COWBOYS (10)

14. CINCINNATI BENGALS (12)

15. GREEN BAY PACKERS (15)

16. TAMPA BAY BUCS (18)

17. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (19)

18. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (16)

19. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (21)

20. BUFFALO BILLS (23)

21. NEW YORK JETS (17)

22. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (24)

23. CHICAGO BEARS (22)

24. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (28)

25. HOUSTON TEXANS (20)

26. ATLANTA FALCONS (31)

27. NEW YORK GIANTS (27)

28. CLEVELAND BROWNS (26)

29. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (32)

30. DETROIT LIONS (25)

31. OAKLAND RAIDERS (29)

32. ARIZONA CARDINALS (30)

Friday, December 05, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 14

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

12/7 1:00 PM ET

(7-5) Cincinnati
(7-5) BALTIMORE -3.5

(2-10) San Diego
(4-8) DETROIT -3

(5-7) Chicago
(6-6) GREEN BAY -7

(5-7) Houston
(3-9) JACKSONVILLE -6

(8-4) Seattle
(7-5) MINNESOTA -1.5

(5-7) Tampa Bay
(6-6) NEW ORLEANS -2

(4-8) Washington
(4-8) N.Y. GIANTS -3

(8-4) Dallas
(9-3) PHILADELPHIA -5.5

(3-9) Oakland
(4-8) PITTSBURGH -5.5

(9-3) Indianapolis
(9-3) TENNESSEE -3.5

12/7 4:15 PM ET

(3-9) Arizona
(5-7) SAN FRANCISCO -10

(5-7) N.Y. Jets
(5-7) BUFFALO -3

(11-1) Kansas City
(7-5) DENVER -2.5

(8-4) Miami
(10-2) NEW ENGLAND -3

12/7 8:30 PM ET

(8-4) Carolina -1
(2-10) ATLANTA

12/8 9:00 PM ET

(9-3) St. Louis -4.5
(4-8) CLEVELAND

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 13 RESULTS

The dust cleared and started to settle in Week 13 of the NFL season. Team records now serve as a solid indicator of how good these teams actually are and how good they can be. Not too many surprises this past weekend. Jacksonville beating Tampa Bay on Sunday night was an upset, but it was one that you felt coming. Tampa is lost and so is their season. Byron Leftwich is a stud and will be an NFL star for a long time. The Jets upsetting the Titans on Monday night was another mild surprise, considering the Titans were bound to lose a game somewhere along the line and the Jets have gotten a lot better since Chad Pennington returned from injury. Other than that, you had the Thanksgiving Day games -- the Lions are always unpredictable and scary on T-Giving and the Packers should have been better prepared, and the Dolphins played their best game of the season in exposing the Cowboys as a team that probably won't get very far in the playoffs, should they make it.

The 'Phins victory was the giddiest romp the Dol-Phans have had to cheer about in quite some time and marks the easiest win they've had all year. Now it's December and everyone's just waiting for the football men from South Florida to freeze up and choke again. The D has to hold fast, Fiedler's gotta stay hot, and Ricky's gotta keep running. Oh, and I told you Chris Chambers was a breakout wideout waiting to happen.

Steve Spurrier is in trouble. After losing to the Saints at home, the Redskins fell to 4-8 and sealed a .500 or worse season. Either the team isn't buying into the former Florida Gator coach's methods, or Spurrier's personality is just not suitable to impose on an NFL franchise. Despite the fact that I hate the Redskins, I still can't help rooting for the old ball coach.

All of a sudden the Ravens have an offense. Alexander Wright is playing pretty well and that team is catching fire at the right time. Meanwhile, the Eagles have been streaking along and came up with a big win at Carolina. If they beat Dallas this weekend, which they should, Philly will be considered the favorite coming out of the NFC. But then there are the Rams -- They're back...

WON: Detroit, Miami, Baltimore, Chicago, Houston, New England, Cincinnati, St. Louis, Seattle, N.Y. Jets

LOST: Carolina, N.Y. Giants, Washington, Oakland, Kansas City, Tampa Bay

Piker picked on his own last week and pulled out the best numbers in recent weeks. 10-6 for the week and should have been 11-5, if not for that meaningless very last second of the game touchdown fucking Flutie threw to cover the spread against the Chiefs. Fucking Flutie...

After the 10-6 Week 13, the season total is all crazy eights: 88-80-8.

PIKER POWER RANKINGS

After Week 13

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (3)

3. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (4)

4. TENNESSEE TITANS (2)

5. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (6)

6. ST. LOUIS RAMS (8)

7. CAROLINA PANTHERS (5)

8. MIAMI DOLPHINS (10)

9. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9)

10. DALLAS COWBOYS (7)

11. BALTIMORE RAVENS (12)

12. CINCINNATI BENGALS (14)

13. DENVER BRONCOS (15)

14. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (13)

15. GREEN BAY PACKERS (11)

16. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (18)

17. NEW YORK JETS (20)

18. TAMPA BAY BUCS (16)

19. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (17)

20. HOUSTON TEXANS (21)

21. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (19)

22. CHICAGO BEARS (23)

23. BUFFALO BILLS (26)

24. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (22)

25. DETROIT LIONS (29)

26. CLEVELAND BROWNS (24)

27. NEW YORK GIANTS (25)

28. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (30)

29. OAKLAND RAIDERS (28)

30. ARIZONA CARDINALS (27)

31. ATLANTA FALCONS (31)

32. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (32)

Monday, December 01, 2003

HANDI-PIKER

It's been said that's it is easier to balance the California state budget than it is tame a wild piker. Well, while Governor Ahhnold and his peops are still working on solving the budget crisis in between sets of bench presses and squats, this Piker is in the process of becoming domesticated. This past weekend, Piker and My Girl took a trip down to the local Lowe's and bought a lawn mower. Piker proceeded to put the machine together and mow his first lawn. That's right, Piker had never mowed the lawn before. To be fair, Piker never once saw his Dad mow a lawn either and therefore was never taught how to mow a lawn. And then, in college, while pledging a predominantly Jewish fraternity, Piker sat back with the rest of his pledge class and watched as the ultra-hardworking non-Jew mowed the front lawn of the fraternity house with a full-length cast on his broken leg. But things have changed now. Piker is now in the market for a quality edging-device so the lawn can be done right.

As if that wasn't enough to accomplish in a weekend, Piker sacrificed the first three and half quarters of the Sunday football games -- despite the still-relatively-new access to DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket -- to do some yardwork. And Piker isn't talking about digging up some little holes to plant some pretty flowers or anything. Piker is talking about wielding a sledgehammer to demolish an unwanted concrete pathway running below the porch and to break up a circular brick-walled planter. Piker even borrowed a pry bar from the neighbor and used it to help remove the sidewalk-like pathway. Piker sheared some geraniums and dug up the roots to clear out space for new beautiful things to be planted in its place. Oh, that's right, Piker did some shit this weekend.

Now, Piker is not sure about his, but the whole weekend could have been a reaction to spending the previous week with My Girl, My Girl's Brother, and My Girl's Mom (who was in from out of town and staying with us for the week). That family's extreme work ethic shone a giant spotlight on Piker's slug-like nature. Those one or two readers who do not know Piker personally must be told that Piker essentially has an allergy to work. There are times when Piker swallows a pill akin to Claritin and suffers through a freelance job here and there, but if all work and no play make Johnny a dull boy, let's just say Piker is anything but dull. So, Piker pitched in a bit as My Girl and My Girl's Mom painted the living room, dining room, and kitchen last week while My Girl's Brother took the heavy oak front door off its hinges, stripped all the paint off, filled in some of the wood, sanded it, and prepared it to be varnished. Oh, and My Girl's Brother also used spackle and wood filler to repair the crumbling archway separating our living room and dining room, then painted it. And then he came back yesterday to help us out by removing some bushes, assessing our sprinkler situation, and starting work on installing cable boxes in the wall to hide the wires running all over the house. My Girl's Brother is obviously a nice guy who is very unselfish and enjoys working on houses and stuff. He also happens to own the greatest mutt I've ever met named Tool. Tool is a highly alert animal who listens when you talk to him, has an impressive vocabulary, and obeys his master. Also, Tool prefers the company of humans to other dogs, loves to rip and shred empty cardboard boxes, sleeps under the covers, and has a slightly better work ethic than Piker. In order to avoid any misunderstanding, Piker must clarify a few things. For one, Piker is very appreciative of the generosity, hard work, and pleasant demeanor found in My Girl's Family, greatly admires their collective work ethic, and likes spending time with them. Secondly, Piker actually enjoyed accomplishing so much this weekend. Breaking up a sidewalk and brick wall with a sledgehammer, while tiring, is a lot of fun. And mowing the grass, like watching the Dolphins rout the Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day, gave Piker a tremendous feeling of satisfaction and pride.

As I type, hardwood floors are being installed in our living room and dining room, and much more work remains on the house. Piker is determined to continue to defy his suburban Jewish aversion to doing work usually reserved for goyim. Work still remains Piker's least favorite word in the English language (trabajo is Piker's least favorite word in Spanish), however, slowly but surely Piker is learning that a healthy sweat from hard work only serves to enhance the relaxation of watching football, chilling to tunes on the iPod, and playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on the PlayStation. It's not so much that Piker is changing his nature, so much as it is Piker maturing a bit and becoming a real adult.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

PIKER'S POLITICAL POWER RANKINGS

Democratic Candidates for President

1. Howard Dean

2. General Wesley K. Clark

3. Representative Dick Gephardt

4. Senator John Kerry

5. Senator John Edwards

6. Reverend Al Sharpton

7. Carol Moseley Braun

8. Senator Joe Lieberman

9. Representative Dennis Kucinich


PIKER'S PERSONAL FAVORITES

1. General Wesley K. Clark

2. Howard Dean

3. Senator John Edwards

4. Reverend Al Sharpton

5. Carol Moseley Braun

6. Senator Joe Lieberman

7. Representative Dennis Kucinich

8. Representative Dick Gephardt

9. Senator John Kerry

POLITICAL PIKER

Citing deep-seated skepticism and a general distrust for government after watching the news a few times and seeing the movie "JFK," Piker has never kept too close an eye on politics, much preferring any type of sports arena to the political arena. However, Piker has been reading Salon and Slate of late, partially due to a vested interest in the former, but mainly because of a newfound genuine curiosity for politics. It started with the recall election circus and has now segued neatly into the Battle for the White House. Granted, Piker is still a newbie when it comes to this stuff, armed with only a superficial knowledge of the issues and the history of the participants. But, Piker is in the game now and it'll just be a matter of time before the gaps are filled in. As a matter of fact, Piker watched the Democratic Candidates for President debate in Iowa on Monday. Enjoyed it too. The Reverend Al Sharpton was clearly the most entertaining of the group, without coming off like a radical lunatic. I'm not sure the same can be said for Representative Dennis Kucinich though. The debate was lively and spirited and almost all of the candidates had good showings, except Senator Joe Lieberman, who wasn't invited to the debate. Senator John Kerry and Representative Dick Gephardt acted as a tag team in going after frontrunner Howard Dean, but Dean held his own and probably garnered some sympathy from the two-pronged attack. Senator John Edwards was upbeat and positive and left a favorable impression, as did Carol Moseley Braun. But, my favorite candidate remains General Wesley K. Clark. The man makes me feel safe. I want him on that wall. I need him on that wall.

In case you missed it, a full transcript of the debate can be found here. For some insightful and incisive commentary and criticism, visit Slate's henchmen Saletan and Kaus.

Below, you will find the first installment of a brand new segment that Piker hopes to continue right up until the Democratic National Convention. Please be advised that Piker is a piker and doesn't know that much about any of this stuff, but Piker has good instincts and boasts of recognizing the star quality of one Bill Clinton at around this same point in the process back in the day. Take it for what it's worth.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 13

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

11/27 12:30 PM ET

Green Bay -6.5
DETROIT

11/27 4:05 PM ET

Miami
DALLAS -3

11/30 1:00 PM ET

San Francisco
BALTIMORE -3

Philadelphia
CAROLINA -1.5

Arizona
CHICAGO -4.5

Atlanta
HOUSTON -3

New England
INDIANAPOLIS -4

Buffalo
N.Y. GIANTS -3.5

Cincinnati
PITTSBURGH -3

Minnesota
ST. LOUIS -6

11/30 4:05 PM ET

New Orleans
WASHINGTON -1.5

Denver -3
OAKLAND

Kansas City -7
SAN DIEGO

Cleveland
SEATTLE -5.5

11/30 8:30 PM ET

Tampa Bay -3.5
JACKSONVILLE

12/1 9:00 PM ET

Tennessee -1
N.Y. JETS

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 12 RESULTS

Well, the Dolphins have my attention again. Not that I stopped following at any point during the season -- they just started to bore me. Brian Griese looked like the savior in his first start as a Dolphin against the Chargers a few weeks ago. Of course, the Chargers can do that to just about anyone. But, since that wildfire game that was played in Tempe instead of San Diego, Griese has proven that he lacks eyes in the back of his head or any kind of instinct for what's going on around him in the pocket. Also, the guy's not the great leader his father was plus he tends to throw a lot of interceptions. For those reasons and others, Jay Fiedler is the guy in Miami. The irony is, the Dolphins probably can't win a Super Bowl with him, but then again, they can't win without him. The Long Island Jew with Dumbo ears came in off the bench and ignited the Dolphin offense, rediscovering stud wideout Chris Chambers, which took some pressure off the not-so-good-at-run-blocking offensive line and allowed Ricky to run, Ricky, run. You know, it seems like the pieces are there for the Dolphins to put some points on the board. Ricky is a phenomenal back, Chambers has the potential to be a superstar receiver, and Randy McMichael is already an outstanding tight end. Yet the Dolphins rarely seem to control the line of scrimmage or make big plays when they need to against good teams. They did on Sunday night against the Redskins and the bastards gave me some hope that they can actually make the playoffs and maybe even win a round before bowing out to the better teams in the AFC.

The AFC playoff picture is, in fact, quite clear at the moment. KC will win the West, New England will win the East, one of Indy or Tennessee will win the South and the other is guaranteed one of the two Wild Card spots, and Baltimore and Cincy will battle it out for the North. The Dolphins should be the other Wild Card. Of course, they are the Dolphins and could still find a way to hand their playoff spot to the Ravens/Bengals loser or the undeserving Broncos. How could the Broncos lose to the Bears in Denver late in the season? Atrocious. Shameful.

The NFC playoff picture is slightly muddier, but not too messy. Carolina will win the South. Minnesota and Green Bay will fight to the finish in the North, with the winner moving on and the loser going home for the holidays. St. Louis looks to have the inside track to take the West, with Seattle earning a Wild Card. And Dallas or Philly will win the East while the other one takes the second Wild Card.

The AFC doesn't even have any longshots at this point. Faint hope remains in the NFC for the defending champion Buccaneers, the Niners, and the Saints. But the odds are slim and none, and slim is heading for the locker room with a high ankle sprain.

As for the Week 12 Picks, Piker has to take his hat off to the oddsmakers. Mid to late season NFL games are out of control and seemingly unpredictable, and yet these Vegas guys are setting spreads with pinpoint accuracy. 7 games this week had final scores within one point of the spread. 7 games! Piker went 3-3-1 in those games. Baltimore covered by a half point, Indy and Buffalo pushed, Carolina was a point short, Minnesota was a half point short after giving up a meaningless touchdown at the end, the Jets were a point short, and both Tennessee and Tampa Bay covered by a half point each. Only four games finished over a touchdown off the spread, and you can really tell the upsets by these numbers -- Cleveland failed to cover by ten points and Denver failed to cover by nineteen and a half points, while Philly covered by an extra seven and a half points and Kansas City failed to cover by eight points. I know this isn't news, but the oddsmakers' proficiency is what makes it so difficult to pick these games. I'm in awe.

WON: Baltimore, Green Bay, Houston, Philadelphia, Arizona, Tennessee, Tampa Bay

LOST: Cleveland, Carolina, Minnesota, N.Y. Jets, Denver, Kansas City, San Diego, Miami

PUSHED: Indianapolis

So, Piker's weekly record was yet again sub-par and sub-.500 at 7-8-1. The season total sits precariously at 78-74-8. If the downward trend continues, Piker may soon have to start dipping into the grocery budget to continue the season-long experiment. But, hey, that's what Pikers do.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 12

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. TENNESSEE TITANS (2)

3. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (4)

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (5)

5. CAROLINA PANTHERS (3)

6. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (6)

7. DALLAS COWBOYS (10)

8. ST. LOUIS RAMS (7)

9. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (8)

10. MIAMI DOLPHINS (11)

11. GREEN BAY PACKERS (12)

12. BALTIMORE RAVENS (13)

13. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (14)

14. CINCINNATI BENGALS (16)

15. DENVER BRONCOS (9)

16. TAMPA BAY BUCS (18)

17. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (15)

18. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (17)

19. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (19)

20. NEW YORK JETS (23)

21. HOUSTON TEXANS (21)

22. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (24)

23. CHICAGO BEARS (26)

24. CLEVELAND BROWNS (20)

25. NEW YORK GIANTS (22)

26. BUFFALO BILLS (25)

27. ARIZONA CARDINALS (28)

28. OAKLAND RAIDERS (32)

29. DETROIT LIONS (29)

30. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (27)

31. ATLANTA FALCONS (30)

32. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (31)

Saturday, November 22, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 12

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

11/23 1:00 PM ET

Seattle
BALTIMORE -2.5

Indianapolis -3
BUFFALO

Pittsburgh
CLEVELAND -3

Carolina
DALLAS -3

San Francisco
GREEN BAY -4.5

New England -5.5
HOUSTON

Detroit
MINNESOTA -10.5

Jacksonville
N.Y. JETS -4

New Orleans
PHILADELPHIA -5.5

11/23 4:05 PM ET

St. Louis -7.5
ARIZONA

Chicago
DENVER -10.5

Tennessee -6.5
ATLANTA

Oakland
KANSAS CITY -11

Cincinnati -3
SAN DIEGO

11/23 8:30 PM ET

Washington
MIAMI -6.5

11/24 9:00 PM ET

N.Y. Giants
TAMPA BAY -5.5

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 11 RESULTS

The flat out funniest response I ever got to the mundane question, "What's up?" was an expressionless "I can't call it." That's the way I feel about picking NFL games these days. After Week 9, the overall record for Piker Picks climbed to a season-high 14 games over .500. Factoring in Week 10 and Week 11, Piker Picks season totals currently stand at 71-66-7, only 5 measly games over the .500 mark. Actually, if you can believe it, last week's 6-10 result was an improvement over the previous two weeks. Truthfully, I don't think it's the Piker staff that has all of a sudden lost its ability to pick games, I think it's the NFL that's gone wacky. Last week wasn't so much about the staggering amount of upsets as much as it was about good teams not covering against bad teams (and the Piker staff's poor guesswork). Cincinnati beating KC was pretty shocking, although you kept wondering how long the Chiefs could go without a letdown. Most surprisingly, it was the Bengals' special teams that got the best of the Chiefs' and was the difference in the game. Also, former overall #1 draft pick Peter Warick broke out with what had to be his best game as a pro, and sent a message to the league that he can't quite be considered a bust yet. The Browns showed up last Sunday, tattooing the can't-compete-on-the-road Cardinals. I'm not exactly sure why, but Kelly Holcombe has become one of my favorite players. Last week's Piker Power Rankings had the Raiders dead last at #32. Maybe they had to hit rock bottom before they got well, because they snapped their losing streak by vanquishing the Vikings in Oakland. Minnesota is now going out of their way to prove to everyone that their 6-0 start was indeed inflated, as they've sprung a major leak and fallen back to Earth and landed with a heavy thud. Oh, and it now looks like the World Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers will not be able to make it to the playoff party after losing to the Green Bay Packers and dropping to 4-6 on the year. And finally, the Dolphins won ugly at home against the Ravens, but hey, at least they won.

WON: Baltimore, Philadelphia, Indianapolis, Green Bay, New England, San Francisco

LOST: Buffalo, Carolina, St. Louis, Kansas City, Arizona, New Orleans, Tennessee, San Diego, Minnesota, Detroit

So, it was a 6-10 week that brought the overall record to 71-66-7. As of press time, it looks as though Piker will be picking alone this week for the first time all season. So, I don't know how quickly I would run to the bookie based on this week's Piker Picks. Then again, you may want to use it as a guide for what not to pick. If anyone decides to bet the opposite of Piker Picks, let me know the results, because we could be on to something here...

PIKER POWER RANKINGS

After Week 11

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. TENNESSEE TITANS (2)

3. CAROLINA PANTHERS (3)

4. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (4)

5. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (5)

6. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (8)

7. ST. LOUIS RAMS (6)

8. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9)

9. DENVER BRONCOS (14)

10. DALLAS COWBOYS (7)

11. MIAMI DOLPHINS (11)

12. GREEN BAY PACKERS (15)

13. BALTIMORE RAVENS (12)

14. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (10)

15. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (17)

16. CINCINNATI BENGALS (19)

17. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (18)

18. TAMPA BAY BUCS (13)

19. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (16)

20. CLEVELAND BROWNS (24)

21. HOUSTON TEXANS (25)

22. NEW YORK GIANTS (20)

23. NEW YORK JETS (21)

24. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (23)

25. BUFFALO BILLS (22)

26. CHICAGO BEARS (28)

27. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (29)

28. ARIZONA CARDINALS (26)

29. DETROIT LIONS (27)

30. ATLANTA FALCONS (31)

31. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (30)

32. OAKLAND RAIDERS (32)

Saturday, November 15, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 11

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

11/16 1:00 PM ET

(3-6) Houston
(4-5) BUFFALO -7

(4-5) Washington
(7-2) CAROLINA -6

(6-3) St. Louis -6
(3-6) CHICAGO

(9-0) Kansas City -6
(4-5) CINCINNATI

(3-6) Arizona
(3-6) CLEVELAND -6

(5-4) Baltimore
(5-4) MIAMI -6

(2-7) Atlanta
(4-5) NEW ORLEANS -8.5

(4-5) N.Y. Giants
(6-3) PHILADELPHIA -3.5

(2-7) Jacksonville
(7-2) TENNESSEE -10

11/16 4:05 PM ET

(2-7) San Diego
(5-4) DENVER -8

(3-6) N.Y. Jets
(7-2) INDIANAPOLIS -6

(6-3) Minnesota -4.5
(2-7) OAKLAND

(3-6) Detroit
(6-3) SEATTLE -10

(4-5) Green Bay
(4-5) TAMPA BAY -4

11/16 8:30 PM ET

(7-2) Dallas
(7-2) NEW ENGLAND -4

11/17 9:00 PM ET

(3-6) Pittsburgh
(4-5) SAN FRANCISCO -4

Thursday, November 13, 2003

BINGO!

News from the "craziest thing you've ever heard" desk...

This past weekend, one of my greatest friends in the whole wide world left a message for me to call him back as soon as possible. As soon as I called him, he said, "Guess what?" I said, "You won the lottery." He replied, "No. But close. My parents did." One of my favorite families on the planet hit the jackpot as sole winners of the Florida lottery and a cool $15 million. My friend's Dad -- who happens to be a terrific guy and one of the funniest people I know -- played the same twenty sets of numbers he's been playing every week for God knows how long. Sunday morning, he plugged the numbers into his custom-made lotto spreadsheet and Bam! -- one ticket had six matches. He called his wife into the room -- who is also a wonderful woman and a riot in her own right -- and told her they just won the lottery. She dryly fired back, "Yeah right, you win the lottery every week." He assured her this was no joke and they called up their son and daughter -- who are honestly two of my closest friends -- to tell them the big news. Did I happen to mention that these are four of my all-time favorite people?

Congratulations! It couldn't happen to a nicer family.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 10 RESULTS

We're through the looking glass here, people. Up is down. Down is up. Black is white. White is black.

- Kevin Costner as Jim Garrison in Oliver Stone's "JFK"

Few things made sense in the NFL this past weekend. The (1-7) Jacksonville Jaguars shocked the (7-1) Indianapolis Colts. The (1-7) San Diego Chargers upset the (6-2) Minnesota Vikings. The (1-7) Atlanta Falcons upended the (4-4) New York Giants in the Meadowlands. On their home turf, Tampa Bay's once-dominating defense allowed Carolina quarterback Jake Del Homme to lead his team down the field for the winning touchdown in the last two minutes and gave the Panthers a sweep of the regular season series over the Bucs. And take a long look below at just who is now the worst team in football -- last year's AFC Champion Oakland Raiders. What the f**k is going on here? This was easily the nuttiest week in the NFL so far, and I've already made that claim several times this season.

At least there were some things that held true to form -- KC remained undefeated by beating up on the disappointing Browns, Pittsburgh got back on the winning track by taking care of Arizona, Steve Spurrier pulled a ball play out of his ass to rescue the Redskins' reeling season and help bring the high-flying Seahawks back down to Earth, and the Miami Dolphins proved yet again that you can't count on them to block anyone or beat anyone after November 1st.

As far as Piker's Picks are concerned... we're in trouble. Not only did the Warner Bros. pull the plug on "The Stones," in effect they pulled their financing for Piker's crack staff of expert prognosticators. Last week, using a reduced staff of three, Piker suffered through it's worst football weekend yet with a 3-8-3 mark. The oddsmakers had a hell of a week, nailing the exact spread on three games after totaling four for the season heading into Week 10. Granted, this was without a doubt the most difficult week to handicap, what with all the upsets and such, but now Piker stares into the face of Week 11 armed only with his own football instincts. No staff. No discussion. Nothing. Just Piker and the Pigskin. Actually, that sounds like a pretty catchy title to an "Undersized Guy Comes Off the Bench to Lead His Team to Victory" Thanksgiving movie...

WON: Kansas City, Atlanta, Tennessee

LOST: Tampa Bay, Houston, Indianapolis, Arizona, Seattle, Minnesota, Baltimore, Green Bay

PUSHED: Chicago, Dallas, N.Y. Jets

Piker's record for the season took a giant leap backwards this week and now stands at: 65-56-7.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 10

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. TENNESSEE TITANS (3)

3. CAROLINA PANTHERS (6)

4. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (4)

5. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2)

6. ST. LOUIS RAMS (9)

7. DALLAS COWBOYS (11)

8. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (12)

9. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (7)

10. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (5)

11. MIAMI DOLPHINS (8)

12. BALTIMORE RAVENS (15)

13. TAMPA BAY BUCS (10)

14. DENVER BRONCOS (14)

15. GREEN BAY PACKERS (13)

16. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (20)

17. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (17)

18. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (18)

19. CINCINNATI BENGALS (21)

20. NEW YORK GIANTS (16)

21. NEW YORK JETS (22)

22. BUFFALO BILLS (19)

23. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (27)

24. CLEVELAND BROWNS (23)

25. HOUSTON TEXANS (24)

26. ARIZONA CARDINALS (26)

27. DETROIT LIONS (28)

28. CHICAGO BEARS (25)

29. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (30)

30. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (31)

31. ATLANTA FALCONS (32)

32. OAKLAND RAIDERS (29)

Friday, November 07, 2003

420

I came across an extremely valuable piece of information at a dinner party last night. Apparently, the maximum weekly amount of unemployment in California is going up to $420 in January 2004. I mean... did they not consider the connotation of 420? In honor of the pay hike, I'm holding off on filing my claim until the beginning of January and then I'm going to smoke out at 4:20 while collecting my paycheck of $420, and I'm going to do it 420 times. Of course, that would bleed into 2005 and then things would be all screwed up because of inconsistency of the numeral 5 in 2005 instead of the 4 in 2004 and it would mean that I would have been unemployed for over a year. I really can't afford to do that again.

What I can afford to do is set myself up right for an indefinite hiatus, which begins as soon as I finish this post and leave the studio lot. Three things will help me accomplish this goal:

1) DirecTV, including all the movie channels and the NFL Sunday Ticket
2) PlayStation 2, which I purchased last night, along with the combo pack of greatest hits -- Grand Theft Auto III and Vice City
3) iPod, preferably the middle one with a 7000 song capacity

And there you have it -- the keys to a successful stretch of unemployment. I'm also toying with the idea of attempting to write a script every six weeks. That would total 8 pieces for 2004 and a headstart on #1 for 2005. But, with all that TV, video games, and music, who has time to write?

Finally, Piker would like to give a special birthday shout-out to J-Yoz. The Piker staff desperately tried to acquire the Paris Hilton Sex Video to send to The Wizard of Yoz as a b-day gift, but as it turns out, Piker doesn't have the pull. Instead, Piker is making up a T-shirt that says: "I Clicked On PIKER.BLOGSPOT.COM And All I Got Was This Crappy Birthday Shout-Out." Wear it in good health, my friend.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 10

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


11/9 1:00 PM ET

(4-4) Tampa Bay -3
(6-2) CAROLINA

(3-5) Houston
(3-5) CINCINNATI -5

(3-5) Chicago
(2-6) DETROIT -2

(7-1) Indianapolis -6.5
(1-7) JACKSONVILLE

(3-5) Cleveland
(8-0) KANSAS CITY -9.5

(1-7) Atlanta
(4-4) N.Y. GIANTS -10.5

(3-5) Arizona
(2-6) PITTSBURGH -7

(5-3) Miami
(6-2) TENNESSEE -5

(6-2) Seattle -3
(3-5) WASHINGTON

11/9 4:05 PM ET

(6-2) Minnesota -5.5
(1-7) SAN DIEGO

(4-4) Buffalo
(6-2) DALLAS -4

(2-6) N.Y. Jets -3
(2-6) OAKLAND

11/9 8:30 PM ET

(5-3) Baltimore
(5-3) ST. LOUIS -7

11/10 9:00 PM ET

(5-3) Philadelphia
(4-4) GREEN BAY -4.5

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 9

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2)

3. TENNESSEE TITANS (3)

4. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (6)

5. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (4)

6. CAROLINA PANTHERS (5)

7. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (10)

8. MIAMI DOLPHINS (7)

9. ST. LOUIS RAMS (8)

10. TAMPA BAY BUCS (9)

11. DALLAS COWBOYS (12)

12. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (13)

13. GREEN BAY PACKERS (14)

14. DENVER BRONCOS (11)

15. BALTIMORE RAVENS (15)

16. NEW YORK GIANTS (16)

17. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (19)

18. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (21)

19. BUFFALO BILLS (18)

20. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (17)

21. CINCINNATI BENGALS (20)

22. NEW YORK JETS (22)

23. CLEVELAND BROWNS (23)

24. HOUSTON TEXANS (26)

25. CHICAGO BEARS (27)

26. ARIZONA CARDINALS (28)

27. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (24)

28. DETROIT LIONS (31)

29. OAKLAND RAIDERS (25)

30. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (29)

31. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (30)

32. ATLANTA FALCONS (32)

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 9 RESULTS

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Piker's editor-in-chief finally moved home offices this past weekend, shedding the shabby Palms Palace in Culver City-adjacent for a California Bungalow-ish fixer with amazing potential in the grooviest small town in LA -- Eagle Rock. Thus, the head of the acclaimed Piker staff didn't have a whole lot of time to watch football on Sunday. However, Piker saw enough to conclude that the participants in Super Bowl XXXVII are now shells of their former world-beating selves. Undoubtedly, this has been an incredibly unpredictable, topsy-turvy first half of the 2003 NFL season, but the Pewter & Black losing at home to the schizoid Saints and the Silver & Black getting pounded by the lowly Lions? To quote the great Slim Pickens from Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles -- "What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? You guys are all dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!" Will the Chiefs lose a game this season? I asked Super Tight End Tony Gonzalez that very same question when I ran into him on the studio lot last week. He replied, "I hope so." Based on that little nugget, I'm sure you're wishing I transcribed the entire interview, but alas, My Girl has been hogging the transcribing device lately and the rest of my dialogue with Tony G will remain a mystery to the perennial perusers of Piker. My gut feeling is the Chiefs will go 15-1 or 14-2 and defeat a battered and bruised NFC winner to be named later in Super Bowl XXXVIII. Sadly, the only shot the Dolphins have of reaching The Big One is if the Piker staff bulked up and replaced the porous group of mammoth mammals Miami has hired to protect their tandem of mediocre quarterbacks.

WON: CHICAGO, DALLAS, HOUSTON, N.Y. GIANTS, CINCINNATI, PHILADELPHIA, NEW ENGLAND

LOST: OAKLAND, MIAMI, TAMPA BAY, PITTSBURGH, ST. LOUIS, MINNESOTA

PUSHED: BALTIMORE

Week 9 wasn't kind to the Piker peops, as the group posted a 7-6-1 mark. Our season stats now stand at: 62-48-4. Just about halfway to the coveted record of 25 games over .500. Previously, Piker promised to buy a round of drinks for all loyal followers of this frivolous site if the Piker staff hit that magic mark, but now Piker will revise the reward to a free beef supreme Chalupa from Taco Bell. Viva El Piker!

Friday, October 31, 2003

INSIDER INFORMATION

The word has not hit the streets yet, so let me be the first to tell you that the plug has been pulled on "The Stones." Three episodes short of our order for 13, production has ceased. CBS has said they will air at least six episodes of the show in the Wednesday 9:30 PM slot starting in March. That means after a week or so of wrap, once again I find myself out of a job. But, this time, I'm armed with a produced episode in my assault on the sleazy world of talent representation. I must find an agent immediately. However, I am willing to finish out the season as a script coordinator/writers' assistant, if I cannot land a staff writing position. So, my bank account is about to get a lot lighter, but my hours are about to get a lot better...

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 9

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


11/2 1:00 PM ET

(1-6) Jacksonville
(4-3) BALTIMORE -7

(1-6) San Diego
(2-5) CHICAGO -2.5

(3-4) Washington
(5-2) DALLAS -4.5

(2-5) Oakland -3
(1-6) DETROIT

(6-1) Carolina -6.5
(2-5) HOUSTON

(6-1) Indianapolis
(5-2) MIAMI -3

(3-4) N.Y. Giants -2.5
(2-5) N.Y. JETS

(3-5) New Orleans
(4-3) TAMPA BAY -8

11/2 4:05 PM ET

(3-4) Cincinnati -3
(2-5) ARIZONA

(2-5) Pittsburgh
(5-2) SEATTLE -4.5

(4-3) Philadelphia -4.5
(1-6) ATLANTA

(5-2) St. Louis -4
(3-5) SAN FRANCISCO

11/2 8:30 PM ET

(3-4) Green Bay
(6-1) MINNESOTA -4.5

11/3 9:00 PM ET

(6-2) New England
(5-3) DENVER -2.5

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

AUTHOR, AUTHOR!

Finally. Last night, "The Stones" digitally recorded the first sitcom episode to bear my great name. After almost 7 seasons, I finally have a produced episode! Entitled "She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister," the segment featured guest star Wendie Malick (still stunning) playing Barbara's (Judith Light) formerly fat sister. I'll mercifully spare you the rest of the details. The important thing is: It's in the can, I'm proud of myself, and I'm getting paid. I want to thank My Girl and My Friends for coming out to support me. I'll respect My Girl's privacy and not name her by name, but I will publicly thank Sam Linsky and Jeff Bye for braving the entire four hour marathon taping, Alvarez Wortham and Jeremy Rezumna for showing up for the last few scenes and partying afterwards, David Spancer and Dan Tobin for walking over from their respective shows on the lot to pay their respects, and Cory Goodman for making it to the all-important after-party. Plus, a big fat thank you to all of my relatively new friends on "The Stones" who buoyed my spirit during a fairly trying experience. The best feedback I got came from one of the writers who said, "No matter what happened during the production week or how many of your words remained in the shooting script, you earned this credit." I agree with him -- I did earn the credit. It was still a classy thing to say and a really nice thing to hear. Hopefully, this will prove to be the first of many produced episodes in my television career. Best case scenario would have the rest of the episodes read: Created by Barry Langer. A Piker Production.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 8 RESULTS

Crazy eights. The Chiefs are 8-0 and King of the Mountain right now. They are the only undefeated team left in the NFL after the Giants turned their schizophrenic season around in a hurry by handing the Vikings their first loss of the season in the Homerdome. San Fran is another Jeckyll and Hyde team, routing the Bucs one week and then losing to the lowly Cardinals the next. Cincinnati brought Seattle back down to Earth. Tampa did the same to Dallas, shutting them out in typical Buccaneer fashion. New England got a break when Cleveland decided to sleep in on Sunday and then the generous Browns even let the Pats kick a late field goal to cover the spread by a half point. Julius Peppers stepped up in OT to make damn sure the for-real Panthers didn't lose to the Saints. The Eagles and the Jets played a very entertaining game, with both teams seeming like they're on the rise. The Broncos desperately need Jake the Snake back to have any shot at the playoffs. The Bears proved they don't suck as bad as the Lions. When Mike Vick returns for Atlanta, Detroit will be the worst team in the league. Jacksonville sucks, Pittsburgh sucks, Buffalo sucks, and San Diego sucks. The Phins handily dispatched the Chargers on Monday night in what may have been the only "free admission" game in the modern era of the NFL. Things are starting to shake down. There are a ton of crappy to mediocre teams in the league, but the cream of the crop gives me hope for a phenomenal postseason.

The Piker staff went 9-5 for a the week. Not too shabby.

WON: Baltimore, Chicago, Tennessee, New England, Carolina, St. Louis, Tampa Bay, Houston, Miami

LOST: Seattle, Minnesota, San Francisco, N.Y. Jets, Buffalo

Piker's season mark now stands at: 55-42-3. When we get to 25 games over .500, drinks are on us.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 8

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3)

3. TENNESSEE TITANS (4)

4. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2)

5. CAROLINA PANTHERS (5)

6. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (6)

7. MIAMI DOLPHINS (7)

8. ST. LOUIS RAMS (10)

9. TAMPA BAY BUCS (11)

10. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (8)

11. DENVER BRONCOS (9)

12. DALLAS COWBOYS (12)

13. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (15)

14. GREEN BAY PACKERS (13)

15. BALTIMORE RAVENS (18)

16. NEW YORK GIANTS (23)

17. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (17)

18. BUFFALO BILLS (14)

19. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (16)

20. CINCINNATI BENGALS (22)

21. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (21)

22. NEW YORK JETS (24)

23. CLEVELAND BROWNS (19)

24. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (20)

25. OAKLAND RAIDERS (25)

26. HOUSTON TEXANS (26)

27. CHICAGO BEARS (29)

28. ARIZONA CARDINALS (31)

29. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (28)

30. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (27)

31. DETROIT LIONS (30)

32. ATLANTA FALCONS (32)

Friday, October 24, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 8

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


10/26 1:00 PM EST

(5-2) Denver
(3-3) BALTIMORE -2

(1-5) Detroit
(1-5) CHICAGO -3

(5-1) Seattle -1.5
(2-4) CINCINNATI

(5-2) Tennessee -3.5
(1-5) JACKSONVILLE

(2-4) N.Y. Giants
(6-0) MINNESOTA -5.5

(3-4) Cleveland
(5-2) NEW ENGLAND -5.5

(5-1) Carolina
(3-4) NEW ORLEANS -2

(4-2) St. Louis
(2-4) PITTSBURGH -1.5

(5-1) Dallas
(3-3) TAMPA BAY -6.5

10/26 4:05 PM EST

(3-4) San Francisco -6.5
(1-5) ARIZONA

10/26 4:15 PM EST

(2-4) Houston
(5-1) INDIANAPOLIS -13

(2-4) N.Y. Jets
(3-3) PHILADELPHIA -3

10/26 8:30 PM EST

(4-3) Buffalo
(7-0) KANSAS CITY -6.5

10/27 9:00 PM EST

(4-2) Miami -3
(1-5) SAN DIEGO

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 7 RESULTS

Craps... Piker had a 7-7 record in Week 7. Still can't figure out the teams from Ohio. Piker bet against the Bengals and with the Browns and got burned by both of them. Kelly Holcombe is a winner, but the Browns simply cannot stop the run, which makes them the most unpredictable team in the league from week to week. Then there's the Bengals, who are actually kinda tough for a 2-4 team. The Bills and Niners have a Jeckyl and Hyde thing going on as well. Tennessee finally seems like they're playing up to their capability, ending Carolina's undefeated run at 5. And "Oh no, Olindo!" I don't care if the Marlins are in the World Series and you have to kick off second base to bang a field goal through the friggin' uprights, you hit one of the two game winners at the end of regulation and the beginning of overtime. Terrible loss for the Phins at home. Besides the Marlins, it was not a good week overall for the Florida teams, as the Bucs lost on the road to level their record at 3-3. The Super Bowl champs are not only vulnerable, they're flat out beatable. If the Super Bowl were today, the matchup would be unquestionable -- the only two undefeated teams left -- Chiefs vs. Vikings. Congrats to San Diego for being the last team in the league to get their first win of the season. And kudos to Piker's own Johnny Silbs, whose 12-2 record was the single week high for the season.

WON: New Orleans, Tennessee, Dallas, Minnesota, Philadelphia, St. Louis, Kansas City

LOST: Baltimore, Cleveland, Miami, Houston, Washington, Tampa Bay, Seattle

Piker's season mark now stands at: 46-37-3. After Week 8, Piker will present a special segment, projecting the final records of each of the teams in the NFL. Until then, enjoy my dream World Series -- Yanks and Marlins -- and, in keeping with the theme, let's hope it goes 7 games.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 7

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2)

3. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (4)

4. TENNESSEE TITANS (9)

5. CAROLINA PANTHERS (3)

6. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (8)

7. MIAMI DOLPHINS (5)

8. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (10)

9. DENVER BRONCOS (7)

10. ST. LOUIS RAMS (11)

11. TAMPA BAY BUCS (6)

12. DALLAS COWBOYS (13)

13. GREEN BAY PACKERS (12)

14. BUFFALO BILLS (17)

15. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (16)

16. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (20)

17. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (14)

18. BALTIMORE RAVENS (15)

19. CLEVELAND BROWNS (18)

20. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (19)

21. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (25)

22. CINCINNATI BENGALS (23)

23. NEW YORK GIANTS (21)

24. NEW YORK JETS (26)

25. OAKLAND RAIDERS (22)

26. HOUSTON TEXANS (24)

27. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (32)

28. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (28)

29. CHICAGO BEARS (30)

30. DETROIT LIONS (27)

31. ARIZONA CARDINALS (31)

32. ATLANTA FALCONS (29)

Friday, October 17, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 7

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


10/19 1:00 PM EST

(2-4) New Orleans -1.5
(1-5) ATLANTA

(4-2) Tennessee
(5-0) CAROLINA -1.5

(3-2) Baltimore -2
(1-4) CINCINNATI

(0-5) San Diego
(3-3) CLEVELAND -5

(4-1) Dallas -3
(1-4) DETROIT

(4-2) New England
(4-1) MIAMI -5

(5-1) Denver
(5-0) MINNESOTA -3.5

(2-3) Philadelphia
(2-3) N.Y. GIANTS -3

(3-3) Green Bay
(3-2) ST. LOUIS -3.5

10/19 4:05 PM EST

(1-4) N.Y. Jets -3
(2-3) HOUSTON

10/19 4:15 PM EST

(3-3) Washington
(3-3) BUFFALO -3

(3-2) Tampa Bay -3.5
(2-4) SAN FRANCISCO

(1-4) Chicago
(4-1) SEATTLE -11

10/20 9:00 PM EST

(6-0) Kansas City -3.5
(2-4) OAKLAND

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 6 RESULTS

It is not yet apparent whether the Piker staff is improving in its ability to pick games or NFL teams are starting to show their true colors. Piker kicked some gridiron ass this weekend, going 10-4 against the spread. One of our unaminous picks, Philadelphia, lost to Dallas and let us down in a big way, showing that they are currently not a very good football team. Thus far, Donovan McNabb has failed to silence the critics. Is Dallas for real? If you look at their schedule so far, it's been soft and they haven't really faced a big test yet. The 'Boys are likely to go to 5-1 after Week 7, as they are on the road at lowly Detroit. After that, Dallas has six games in a row against opponents with .500 records or better, including Tampa Bay, New England, Carolina, and Miami. But, looking down the road, it's not unthinkable that the Cowboys can get into the playoffs with a 10-6 mark. The Carolina Panthers are for real. They hung tough and beat the Colts in OT at Indy and earned themselves a spot in the league's Top 5. KC is definitely for real. Another Alcoa Fantastic Finish in OT at Lambeau. The Pack let that game slip away, but they're still in the top half of the NFL. When you glance at this week's Piker Power Rankings, take note of the fact that there really are only 15 or so teams playing well right now. And if you make it all the way down to the bottom of the list, check out how many truly pathetic teams are celler dwelling. The J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets are on the board after blowing out the sinking Bills. Huge AFC East matchup this weekend between the Dolphins and the Patriots. Winner takes control of the division.

WON: Cleveland, Carolina, Miami, New England, New Orleans, Tennessee, Tampa Bay, Baltimore, San Francisco, St. Louis

LOST: Philadelphia, Green Bay, Denver, Buffalo

Posting a 10-4 record for Week 6 brings Piker's season tally to 39-30-3. Not too shabby.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 6

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3)

3. CAROLINA PANTHERS (6)

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2)

5. MIAMI DOLPHINS (4)

6. TAMPA BAY BUCS (7)

7. DENVER BRONCOS (5)

8. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (8)

9. TENNESSEE TITANS (9)

10. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (13)

11. ST. LOUIS RAMS (14)

12. GREEN BAY PACKERS (15)

13. DALLAS COWBOYS (17)

14. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (11)

15. BALTIMORE RAVENS (16)

16. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (10)

17. BUFFALO BILLS (12)

18. CLEVELAND BROWNS (22)

19. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (19)

20. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (20)

21. NEW YORK GIANTS (18)

22. OAKLAND RAIDERS (21)

23. CINCINNATI BENGALS (24)

24. HOUSTON TEXANS (23)

25. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (28)

26. NEW YORK JETS (31)

27. DETROIT LIONS (25)

28. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (27)

29. ATLANTA FALCONS (26)

30. CHICAGO BEARS (29)

31. ARIZONA CARDINALS (30)

32. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (32)

Thursday, October 09, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 6

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


10/12 1:00 PM EST

Oakland
CLEVELAND -3

Philadephia
DALLAS -1

Kansas City
GREEN BAY -1.5

Carolina
INDIANAPOLIS -5

Miami -3
JACKSONVILLE

N.Y. Giants
NEW ENGLAND -2.5

Chicago
NEW ORLEANS -5.5

Houston
TENNESSEE -10

Tampa Bay -3
Washington

10/12 4:15 PM EST

Baltimore -5.5
ARIZONA

Pittsburgh
DENVER -6.5

Buffalo -3
N.Y. JETS

10/12 8:30 PM EST

San Francisco
SEATTLE -3.5

10/13 9:00 PM EST

Atlanta
ST. LOUIS -11

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 5

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (4)

3. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (5)

4. MIAMI DOLPHINS (6)

5. DENVER BRONCOS (3)

6. CAROLINA PANTHERS (9)

7. TAMPA BAY BUCS (2)

8. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (14)

9. TENNESSEE TITANS (7)

10. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (17)

11. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (10)

12. BUFFALO BILLS (11)

13. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (8)

14. ST. LOUIS RAMS (16)

15. GREEN BAY PACKERS (19)

16. BALTIMORE RAVENS (15)

17. DALLAS COWBOYS (20)

18. NEW YORK GIANTS (13)

19. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (12)

20. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (21)

21. OAKLAND RAIDERS (18)

22. CLEVELAND BROWNS (26)

23. HOUSTON TEXANS (22)

24. CINCINNATI BENGALS (25)

25. DETROIT LIONS (24)

26. ATLANTA FALCONS (23)

27. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (31)

28. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (27)

29. CHICAGO BEARS (32)

30. ARIZONA CARDINALS (28)

31. NEW YORK JETS (30)

32. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (29)

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 5 RESULTS

It was a miserable week for the pack of Piker prognosticators. Going into the staff meeting, our four resident "experts" were split on 7 of the 14 games. After much deliberation and debate, the deadlocks were broken and a consensus agreed upon. In those 7 games, our record wound up 1-6-1. The staff could come to a unanimous decision on only two games. Lost both of 'em. Overall, Piker went 5-8-1 against the spread in Week 5, to bleed into the red for the first time. (On a personal side note: I was the only one on solid ground with an 8-5-1 record for the weekend.) Altogether, Piker's record for the season teeters on the edge of .500 at 29-26-3. Well, at least the Dolphins looked good in soundly defeating the New York football Giants, the Monday night matchup contained a phenomenal and improbable comeback -- one that definitely would have been featured on Alcoa's Fantastic Finishes segment back in the day -- and that punt return by KC's Dante Hall may have been the best I've ever seen.

WON: Minnesota, Dallas, Miami, Jacksonville, Washington

LOST: Buffalo, Carolina, Oakland, Seattle, Kansas City, Tennessee, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay

PUSHED: San Francisco

Friday, October 03, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 5

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


10/5 1:00 PM EST

Minnesota -4.5
ATLANTA

Cincinnati
BUFFALO -8

New Orleans
CAROLINA -6.5

Oakland -4
CHICAGO

Arizona
DALLAS -7

Seattle
GREEN BAY -2

Denver
KANSAS CITY -3

Tennessee -1
NEW ENGLAND

Miami Pick 'em
N.Y. GIANTS

10/5 4:05 PM EST

San Diego
JACKSONVILLE -3

10/5 4:15 PM EST

Washington
PHILADELPHIA -5.5

Detroit
SAN FRANCISCO -7

10/5 8:30 PM EST

Cleveland
PITTSBURGH -7

10/6 9:00 PM EST

Indianapolis
TAMPA BAY -4

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

(After Week 4)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

2. TAMPA BAY BUCS

3. DENVER BRONCOS

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

5. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

6. MIAMI DOLPHINS

7. TENNESSEE TITANS

8. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

9. CAROLINA PANTHERS

10. WASHINGTON REDSKINS

11. BUFFALO BILLS

12. PITTSBURGH STEELERS

13. NEW YORK GIANTS

14. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

15. BALTIMORE RAVENS

16. ST. LOUIS RAMS

17. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

18. OAKLAND RAIDERS

19. GREEN BAY PACKERS

20. DALLAS COWBOYS

21. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

22. HOUSTON TEXANS

23. ATLANTA FALCONS

24. DETROIT LIONS

25. CINCINNATI BENGALS

26. CLEVELAND BROWNS

27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

28. ARIZONA CARDINALS

29. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

30. NEW YORK JETS

31. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

32. CHICAGO BEARS

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 4 RESULTS

Piker was in serious danger of losing some theoretical cash, but thanks to the Green Bay Packers covering against the Chicago Bears, Piker's crack staff of football experts avoided dipping under the .500 mark for the week. With Piker's beloved Miami Dolphins sitting on the sidelines on Sunday, coupled with the fact that Piker had to work on Sunday, Piker was not able to see any of the games. However, Piker saw all the highlights on SportsCenter and PrimeTime and is keenly aware of what's happening in the NFL. What's happening is it's damn near impossible to pick games with any consistency. Buffalo looked like the best team in the league a couple of weeks ago, now they've lost two straight and when it's all said and done, they might not even make the playoffs. Cleveland lost to Cincy at home, the Steelers lost to the Titans at home, the Ravens couldn't hang with the Chiefs, Detroit hung in with Denver, the Chargers should have beaten the Raiders, and the Jets flat out suck. In the end, Piker went 7-6-1 for in Week 4. It broke down like this:

WON: Houston, Minnesota, St. Louis, Carolina, Dallas, Indianapolis, Green Bay

LOST: Buffalo, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Oakland, Denver

PUSHED: Washington

Piker's overall record for the year now stands at 24-18-2. If it gets any worse, we're going to have to haul the jug full of change down to the supermarket and give the CoinStar seven cents on the dollar for some cold hard cash.

Friday, September 26, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 4

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

9/28 1:00 PM ET

Philadelphia
BUFFALO -3

Cincinnati
CLEVELAND -4.5

Jacksonville -3
HOUSTON

San Francisco
MINNESOTA Pick 'em

Tennessee
PITTSBURGH -3

Arizona
ST. LOUIS -10.5

New England
WASHINGTON -3

9/28 4:05 PM ET

Kansas City -3
BALTIMORE

San Diego
OAKLAND -7

9/28 4:15 PM ET

Atlanta
CAROLINA -6

Detroit
DENVER -12.5

Dallas
N.Y. JETS -3

9/28 8:30 PM ET

Indianapolis -2
NEW ORLEANS

9/29 9:00 PM ET

Green Bay -4
CHICAGO

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 3 RESULTS

The mighty Miami Dolphins finally showed their true Aqua and Orange colors on Sunday night, riding a heroic performance by Ricky Williams and a dominant defense to a resounding victory over the previously undefeated Buffalo Bills. Williams was the consummate workhorse, carrying 42 times for 153 yards and a late, game-clinching touchdown that wasn't signaled until the replay officials concluded that his knee was never down and his forward progress was never stopped. The Dolphin D came up big all night, stymying Drew Bledsoe and the high-powered Bills offense all night until a meaningless drive at the end of the game. The only points Miami allowed came on an interception return for a touchdown that was third receiver James McKnight's fault more than it was Jay Fiedler's. Now the Dolphins can be counted among the best teams in the NFL, most of which reside in the AFC at the moment. (See Piker's Power Rankings Below)

Piker picked pretty profoundly this past week, going 9 and 5 against the spread. On a strange, but not particularly difficult Sunday wager-wise, all the favorites covered in the early games, then all the dogs covered except San Diego in the afternoon. Then the favorites took over again, with Miami covering the three points on Sunday night and Denver easily covering the five points on Monday night.

WON: Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Indianapolis, Tennessee, St. Louis, N.Y. Giants, Cleveland, Miami

LOST: Detroit, N.Y. Jets, Green Bay, San Diego, Oakland

Piker's overall record for the season now stands at: 17-12-1. Not successful enough to give up the day job, but respectable enough to buy a stack of CD's at Amoeba or Aron's.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

(After Week 3)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

2. TAMPA BAY BUCS

3. DENVER BRONCOS

4. MIAMI DOLPHINS

5. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

6. BUFFALO BILLS

7. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

8. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

9. TENNESSEE TITANS

10. PITTSBURGH STEELERS

11. CAROLINA PANTHERS

12. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

13. NEW YORK GIANTS

14. BALTIMORE RAVENS

15. WASHINGTON REDSKINS

16. OAKLAND RAIDERS

17. ST. LOUIS RAMS

18. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

19. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

20. ATLANTA FALCONS

21. CLEVELAND BROWNS

22. GREEN BAY PACKERS

23. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

24. DALLAS COWBOYS

25. HOUSTON TEXANS

26. NEW YORK JETS

27. ARIZONA CARDINALS

28. CINCINNATI BENGALS

29. DETROIT LIONS

30. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

31. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

32. CHICAGO BEARS

Friday, September 19, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 3

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

9/21 1:00 PM ET

Tampa Bay -4
ATLANTA

Pittsburgh -4.5
CINCINNATI

Minnesota -3.5
DETROIT

Kansas City -7.5
HOUSTON

Jacksonville
INDY -7.5

N.Y. Jets
NEW ENGLAND -6.5

New Orleans
TENNESSEE -4.5

9/21 4:05 PM ET

Green Bay -7.5
ARIZONA

St. Louis
SEATTLE -3

N.Y. Giants
WASHINGTON -2.5

9/21 4:15 PM ET

Baltimore -1
SAN DIEGO

Cleveland
SAN FRANCISCO -7

9/21 8:30 PM ET

Buffalo
MIAMI -3

9/22 9:00 PM ET

Oakland
DENVER -5

PIKER'S PRIDE

Can we talk TV for a moment? All summer long, Salon's intrepid TV correspondent has been writing her cottontail off in a virtual vacuum. Well, it's autumn again, baby. And that means back to school, the return of football, Fall TV, and a chance for my favorite hare to hop back into the spotlight with her preview of the season's new sitcoms, ingeniously entitled "Why Can't We Be Friends?"

PIKER PICTURES

I was toying with the idea of naming my production company Piker Pictures. Or Piker Productions. I think Piker Pictures is the stronger of the two. I guess this discussion is in vain unless I actually find myself in the position where I have to form a production company. Until then... Here is a list of movies on my current must-see list:

1. LOST IN TRANSLATION

2. AMERICAN SPLENDOR

3. SCHOOL OF ROCK

4. THE RUNDOWN

5. MATCHSTICK MEN

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

1. BUFFALO BILLS

2. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

3. TAMPA BAY BUCS

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

5. DENVER BRONCOS

6. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

7. MIAMI DOLPHINS

8. TENNESSEE TITANS

9. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

10. PITTSBURGH STEELERS

11. WASHINGTON REDSKINS

12. CAROLINA PANTHERS

13. OAKLAND RAIDERS

14. ST. LOUIS RAMS

15. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

16. GREEN BAY PACKERS

17. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

18. NEW YORK GIANTS

19. BALTIMORE RAVENS

20. ATLANTA FALCONS

21. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

22. CLEVELAND BROWNS

23. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

24. HOUSTON TEXANS

25. DALLAS COWBOYS

26. NEW YORK JETS

27. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

28. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

29. DETROIT LIONS

30. CINCINNATI BENGALS

31. CHICAGO BEARS

32. ARIZONA CARDINALS

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 2 RESULTS

Man, it's hard to bet football. Especially in the early part of the season. The Patriots beat the crap out of Philly in Philly? Carolina blocked an extra point at the end of regulation and beat Tampa Bay in overtime? Indy blew out the mighty Titans? Cincy almost beat the Raiders? Yeah, right... Next thing you're going to tell me is the Dolphins went up to the Meadowlands and rerouted the Jets. Are you kidding me? As Johnny Mac would yell with complete incredulity, "You cannot be serious!" Well, Piker may not have proven himself a particularly prescient prognosticator in Week 2 of the NFL season, but at least the 'Phins swam in the right direction and managed to save Wannestadt's giant scalp. For the time being.

Tabulating the results of Piker's first week of picks, we arrive at a final figure of 8-7-1 against the spread. With that record, Piker'll miss the playoffs by a half game in the AFC.

WON: Washington, Green Bay, Kansas City, New Orleans, Seattle, Carolina, Denver, Minnesota

LOST: Cleveland, Tennessee, Jacksonville, N.Y. Jets, Oakland, Philadelphia, N.Y. Giants

PUSHED: San Francisco

Look for Piker's Week 3 Picks on Friday. But, now you know not to follow them too closely before handing your betting card to the no-nonsense guy at the window of the Sports Book at the Bellagio.

Friday, September 12, 2003

PIKER PICKS

On the suggestion of Linsky, loyal friend and longtime Piker reader, a new segment will be introduced today: Piker Picks. Admittedly, I have a slight advantage over other preseason prognosticators because I'm making my selections armed with the results of Week 1, but let's face it, one week does not make a season. If that were the case, I would be even further down in the football dumps over the Dolphins atrocious and embarrassing Week 1 loss to the Houston Texans in Miami. The 'Phins can redeem themselves by vanquishing the rival Jets in the Meadowlands this Sunday. If they don't, the fickle fans in South Florida may be calling for the extra large cranium of Dave Wannestadt.

We'll begin with Piker's forecast for Super Bowl XXXVIII and the NFL Playoffs. Then, we'll move on to Piker's Picks for Week 2.

AFC

EAST: Miami Dolphins
NORTH: Pittsburgh Steelers
SOUTH: Tennessee Titans
WEST: Oakland Raiders
WILD CARDS: Kansas City Chiefs, Indianapolis Colts

NFC

EAST: Philadelphia Eagles
NORTH: Minnesota Vikings
SOUTH: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
WEST: San Francisco 49ers
WILD CARDS: New York Giants, Atlanta Falcons

AFC CHAMP: Tennessee Titans
NFC CHAMP: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

SUPER BOWL CHAMP: Tennessee Titans


WEEK 2

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

Washington
ATLANTA -3

Cleveland
BALTIMORE -2

Detroit
GREEN BAY -6.5

Tennessee
INDIANAPOLIS -2

Buffalo
JACKSONVILLE +3

Pittsburgh
KANSAS CITY -3

Houston
NEW ORLEANS -8.5

Miami
N.Y. JETS +3

San Francisco
St. Louis -3

Seattle
ARIZONA +4.5

Carolina
TAMPA BAY -9.5

Cincinnati
OAKLAND -12.5

New England
PHILADELPHIA -4.5

Denver
SAN DIEGO +3

Chicago
MINNESOTA -8.5

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

Dallas
N.Y. GIANTS -7.5

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

SYNDICATION, HERE I COME

Tonight, we are filming the second episode of "The Stones" following the pilot. It also happens to be a milestone in my sitcom career...
100 episodes!

Here is the breakdown:

Boston Common: 26
Food & Company: 1 (Pilot)
Alright Already: 21
Oh Baby: 1 (Pilot)
Maggie Winters: 18
Sugar Hill: 1 (Pilot)
Battery Park: 7
The Ellen Show: 18
Watching Ellie: 4
Rubbing Charlie: 1 (Pilot)
The Stones: 2

Where's my back end profit participation?


LAZY LISTS

THINGS I THOUGHT WERE GREAT RECENTLY

The Producers at The Pantages Theater
Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band at Dodger Stadium
Belle & Sebastian and Bright Eyes at The Greek Theater
The Matrix: Reloaded on the IMAX
Cinespia Screenings at the Hollywood Forever Cemetary
Dirty Pretty Things
The Amazing Race
The Miami Heat Signing Lamar Odom
Finding a House in the Eagle Rock Area
My Mechanic
Sleeping a Full 8 Hours One Night


THINGS I THOUGHT WERE PRETTY GOOD RECENTLY

Open Range
Bend It Like Beckham
Project Greenlight
Andy Roddick Winning Back to Back Tournaments
The PGA Championship


THING I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WATCHING RELIGIOUSLY

Paradise Hotel


THINGS I THOUGHT SUCKED RECENTLY

Michael Vick Breaking His Leg
Stolen Summer on DVD
The Restaurant Mexico City in Los Feliz
Working on the Weekends
Getting Caught in Morning Traffic... On the Way Home From Work
Writing This While Still at Work
Not Getting To See My Girl Enough

Thursday, August 14, 2003

PIKER'S PRODUCTION JOURNAL

Yesterday, my day began with a 9 am production meeting and a 10 o'clock table read. After a marathon rewrite, I formatted, proofread, and processed the script before strolling down to the parking structure at 5 am. I was back at work today for a 12:30 pm run-thru. Thankfully, it went well and it looks like I'll be getting out of here at a decent time tonight. Must... get... sleep...

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

THE PRODUCTION VOID

It's starting again. Here I am sitting in a production office the night before a table read, waiting for the script to be ready for me to proofread and publish. The feeling is all too familiar, this being my seventh season as a script coordinator and all. And it is sure to be the first of many evenings during production of which I will be unable to attend some fabulous event that I have tickets for. Tonight it was the premiere of the movie "Thirteen," including a screening at the Arclight and after-party at Cinespace. Basically, I can't make any solid plans until Thanksgiving. Once again, I am giving up my social life to assist the writing staff of yet another sitcom. It's no wonder I take every other year off to actually squeeze in some living.