Saturday, February 15, 2003

HOT AS HELL

As predicted on this site several days ago, reality TV bottomed out with the debut of "Are You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People." Frankly, I felt a little sick to my stomach after watching the show, like I had done something bad. And I didn't even get to see "Countdown to Hotness," the one hour lead-in to the premiere, which chronicled the audition process. For a well-articulated, professionally-restrained review of this brutally awful show, step lively into the Salon. When they ask you if you want to read the rest of the article, click the Free Day Pass access link, if you're not already a subscribing member.

It's nice to know that America still has its priorities straight, as "Survivor: Amazon" clobbered "Are You Hot?" in the Nielson ratings. The premiere numbers for the latest installment of the fading franchise seemed to indicate that the granddaddy of the current reality TV craze is not dead yet. Personally, I don't have much interest in watching the show anymore. In fact, after suffering through "Are You Hot?" I don't have much interest in watching any reality TV anymore. But, I do have to tune in for the finales of "Joe Millionaire" and "The Bachelorette" this week, if for nothing else than a sense of completion. And, My Girl did just get TiVo...

Friday, February 14, 2003

A TASTY GROOVE: COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

Tenacious D is selling out. In the best way, of course. New Line Cinema has struck a deal with The D to make a feature film and I have a feeling my friend and former housemate Richard Brener had something to do with it. As a matter of fact, when we lived together with three other friends in a giant gaudy house in the Fairfax District, I used to walk down to Largo's on Monday nights for Alternative Comedy night. Frequently, JB and KG would close out the night with one of their hilarious sets. Some nights, I was one of five or six people left in the bar to see it. It's one of the few things I can say I was in on before it blew up. Jack Black is one of the funniest guys working in Hollywood these days and we are in desperate need of some funny film comedies. I'm hoping this one will deliver.

I've also gotten my hopes up that Old School will force me to bust a gut. 'Cause, lord knows, my gut needs a bustin'.

Thursday, February 13, 2003

HEY, THAT'S NOT MY PENIS!

My mom sent me this link and asked if my girlfriend posted it.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

HI, MY NAME IS PIKER, AND I AM AN ADDICT

My addiction to reality television has reached its peak. On Monday, I watched "Joe Millionaire", despite my constant complaints to anyone who will listen that the show is truly awful in every way. I tuned in because I thought the damn thing was going to come to a climax and we, the audience, would find out which lame girl the lame dude would choose. I also suspected that there would be a twist on a twist, whereby something else would be revealed to top the disclosure that Joe Millionaire is really Joe Liar, a lowly construction worker (moonlighting as an underwear model). Would Evan select Sarah the former fetish film actress? Or would he pick the neurotic, self-conscious Zora, who seems to have psychically known all along that he was keeping a secret? Well, as it turned out, all that was revealed was just how bad television could be, as the entire hour was devoted to a crappy recap of the previous episodes and a cliffhanger ending. After it was over, I wanted to hang myself over a cliff. I was so upset that I watched it. It ruined my night. Yet, I will still watch it next week for the same reasons that I wanted to watch it this week. But I don't know why. I don't like it. I don't get any pleasure out of it. I hate everyone on the show except the butler. It must be the addiction.

I vowed not to watch "American Idol" beyond the first few audition episodes. I loved laughing at the bad singers and didn't really want to jump on the train when it got rolling toward the top ten. But, I got hooked. It became apparent that this time around would be different, featuring a bunch of people who don't look like the American Idol but can sure sing. So I watched it last night and was proven right. The two best performances were turned in by Ruben, an offensive lineman-sized black man with a sweet voice and a gentle spirit, and Kimberly, an overweight black girl with tons of talent. The rest of the show sucked. The good-looking people couldn't sing, couldn't move, and failed to infuse their performances with the slightest bit of soul. One other such contestant who fit the mold, Frenchie, who was set to appear in one of the next two episodes, will not get her chance to strut her stuff. American Idol kicked Frenchie off the show today. Apparently, she posed nude for a Internet porn site a few years back in order to get the money to pay her tuition at Howard University. Frenchie is an amazing singer and word has it that Simon's production company is going to help her career along. But with all of these skeletons in the closet keeping the folks at The Smoking Gun busy, one has to ask, is anyone at these reality shows doing background checks? The very real possibility exists that they are doing the checks and choosing to use the controversy to boost ratings.

I expect the cultural nadir to be reached tomorrow night with the premiere of "Are You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People".

Thank the TV lord for 24.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

OSCAR ODDS

My secret underworld connection just emailed me the early odds for the Oscar races. I cannot divulge my source or my connection's source, but for the sake of pure fun, let's assume both are credible. Please be advised: This site will not be accepting wagers on the event. These odds are for entertainment purposes only.

BEST PICTURE
Chicago............................................................ -250
The Hours......................................................... +250
Gangs of New York......................................... +450
LOTR: The Two Towers.................................. +800
The Pianist........................................................+1400

BEST DIRECTOR 
Martin Scorsese.............................................. -143
Rob Marshall.................................................... +200
Stephen Daldry................................................ +350
Roman Polanski.............................................. +600
Pedro Almodóvar............................................ +1000

BEST ACTOR
Daniel Day-Lewis............................................ -143
Jack Nicholson................................................ +110
Adrien Brody................................................... +500
Nicolas Cage.................................................. +1000
Michael Caine................................................ +1400

BEST ACTRESS
Nicole Kidman................................................ +100
Julianne Moore............................................... +130
Renée Zellweger............................................ +400
Diane Lane..................................................... +550
Salma Hayek.................................................. +1300

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper.................................................. -200
Ed Harris........................................................ +350
Paul Newman................................................ +400
Christopher Walken...................................... +600
John C. Reilly................................................. +1000

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS  
Meryl Streep.................................................. -125
Catherine Zeta-Jones.................................. +110
Julianne Moore............................................. +500
Kathy Bates.................................................. +700
Queen Latifah............................................... +1600

DON'T THANK THE ACADEMY QUITE YET

The Academy Award nominations are out and my predictions weren't too far off. It seemed like I went four out of five in most categories, but no worse than three out of five. "Gangs of New York" bumped out both "About Schmidt" and "Adaptation", both of which are superior movies. Peter Jackson not being nominated for directing "The Two Towers" is wrong. I didn't see "Talk To Her", but I can't help but feel that the slot belonged to Jackson. A trio of acting nominations for "Adaptation", but, as I predicted, no love for director Spike Jonze. Apparently, the Academy loved everything about "Chicago"... except Richard Gere. Happy to see Nic Cage get the nod. Very surprised that Meryl Streep didn't get in for "The Hours". She was fantastic in the film, as she is in everything. I didn't see Frida, so I can't really comment on Salma taking her spot. But Streep did earn a nomination in the supporting category for "Adaptation" and that gave her a record 13 nominations, pushing her past Katherine Hepburn's 12 noms. Even though I put him in with my heart, I knew in my head that Ray Liotta wouldn't make it, but it stings a bit that John C. Reilly took the spot for "Chicago". Nothing against John C., who's a terrific actor, but I was not a big fan of the "Chicago" and did not think his performance merited a place in the top five. Liotta was robbed. Best Supporting Actress was the one category that I nailed, but it's somewhat tainted by the fact that "Chicago" placed two actresses in the category. The movie is simply overrated. "About Schmidt" and "The Two Towers" both should have been nominated for adapted screenplay. "About a Boy" was a pretty entertaining movie, but doesn't deserve to be honored over "Schmidt" or "Towers". And finally, poor Antwone Fisher, both the man and the movie. No screenplay nom, no nominations at all for the film. But, I loved "Y Tu Mama Tambien" and was pleasantly surprised to see it recognized for Best Original Screenplay.

Apparently, Harvey Weinstein has his name on four of the five Best Picture nominees. David Poland's a little peeved that Harvey held so much sway over the Academy.

No one nomination surprised me all that much. Besides the over-nominated, over-hyped "Chicago" and some sentimental noms for "Gangs of New York", it's a pretty deserving list that's representative of an excellent year in cinema.

Monday, February 10, 2003

OSCAR THE GROUCH

Oscar nominations will be announced tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning for us West Coasters. As big a geek as I am about this stuff, I will not be waking up to hear them read live. I will try to get my eight hours in and then check them when I awake. As is tradition, this being the eve of the Academy Award announcements and all, the nominations for The Golden Rasberry Awards were announced today. There was a lot of crap to choose from, and I don't necessarily agree with some of this year's worst picture selections (I really liked Sweatpants Britney and the action scenes from Episode II), but here are the 2003 Razzies:

WORST PICTURE
The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Crossroads
Pinocchio
Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Swept Away

=================================

On to the good stuff. Prediction time.

BEST PICTURE
The Hours
Chicago
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Pianist
About Schmidt

The Victim: Adaptation

BEST DIRECTOR
Martin Scorsese (Gangs of New York)
Stephen Daldry (The Hours)
Roman Polanski (The Pianist)
Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)
Rob Marshall (Chicago)

The Victim: Spike Jonze (Adaptation)

BEST ACTOR
Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt)
Daniel Day-Lewis (Gangs of New York)
Michael Caine (The Quiet American)
Adrien Brody (The Pianist)
Richard Gere (Chicago)

The Victim: Nicolas Cage (Adaptation)

THE BEST ACTRESS
Nicole Kidman (The Hours)
Julianne Moore (Far From Heaven)
Meryl Streep (The Hours)
Renee Zellweger (Chicago)
Diane Lane (Unfaithful)

The Victim: Salma Hayek (Frida)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper (Adaptation)
Ed Harris (The Hours)
Paul Newman (Road to Perdition)
Christopher Walken (Catch Me If You Can)
Ray Liotta (Narc)

The Victims: Alfred Molina (Frida), Dennis Quaid (Far From Heaven)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kathy Bates (About Schmidt)
Meryl Streep (Adaptation)
Julianne Moore (The Hours)
Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago)
Queen Latifah (Chicago)

The Victim: None

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Adaptation (Charlie and the fictional Donald Kaufman)
The Hours (David Hare)
Chicago (Bill Condon)
About Schmidt (Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor)
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (4 writers)

The Victim: The Pianist (Ronald Harwood)

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Far From Heaven (Todd Haynes)
Gangs of New York (Jay Cocks, Kenneth Lonergan, and Steven Zallian)
Antwone Fisher (Antwone Fisher)
Talk To Her (Pedro Almodovar)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (Nia Vardalos)

The Victim: Y Tu Mama Tambien (Alfonso Cuaron and Carlos Cuaron)