Friday, November 07, 2003

420

I came across an extremely valuable piece of information at a dinner party last night. Apparently, the maximum weekly amount of unemployment in California is going up to $420 in January 2004. I mean... did they not consider the connotation of 420? In honor of the pay hike, I'm holding off on filing my claim until the beginning of January and then I'm going to smoke out at 4:20 while collecting my paycheck of $420, and I'm going to do it 420 times. Of course, that would bleed into 2005 and then things would be all screwed up because of inconsistency of the numeral 5 in 2005 instead of the 4 in 2004 and it would mean that I would have been unemployed for over a year. I really can't afford to do that again.

What I can afford to do is set myself up right for an indefinite hiatus, which begins as soon as I finish this post and leave the studio lot. Three things will help me accomplish this goal:

1) DirecTV, including all the movie channels and the NFL Sunday Ticket
2) PlayStation 2, which I purchased last night, along with the combo pack of greatest hits -- Grand Theft Auto III and Vice City
3) iPod, preferably the middle one with a 7000 song capacity

And there you have it -- the keys to a successful stretch of unemployment. I'm also toying with the idea of attempting to write a script every six weeks. That would total 8 pieces for 2004 and a headstart on #1 for 2005. But, with all that TV, video games, and music, who has time to write?

Finally, Piker would like to give a special birthday shout-out to J-Yoz. The Piker staff desperately tried to acquire the Paris Hilton Sex Video to send to The Wizard of Yoz as a b-day gift, but as it turns out, Piker doesn't have the pull. Instead, Piker is making up a T-shirt that says: "I Clicked On PIKER.BLOGSPOT.COM And All I Got Was This Crappy Birthday Shout-Out." Wear it in good health, my friend.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 10

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


11/9 1:00 PM ET

(4-4) Tampa Bay -3
(6-2) CAROLINA

(3-5) Houston
(3-5) CINCINNATI -5

(3-5) Chicago
(2-6) DETROIT -2

(7-1) Indianapolis -6.5
(1-7) JACKSONVILLE

(3-5) Cleveland
(8-0) KANSAS CITY -9.5

(1-7) Atlanta
(4-4) N.Y. GIANTS -10.5

(3-5) Arizona
(2-6) PITTSBURGH -7

(5-3) Miami
(6-2) TENNESSEE -5

(6-2) Seattle -3
(3-5) WASHINGTON

11/9 4:05 PM ET

(6-2) Minnesota -5.5
(1-7) SAN DIEGO

(4-4) Buffalo
(6-2) DALLAS -4

(2-6) N.Y. Jets -3
(2-6) OAKLAND

11/9 8:30 PM ET

(5-3) Baltimore
(5-3) ST. LOUIS -7

11/10 9:00 PM ET

(5-3) Philadelphia
(4-4) GREEN BAY -4.5

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 9

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2)

3. TENNESSEE TITANS (3)

4. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (6)

5. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (4)

6. CAROLINA PANTHERS (5)

7. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (10)

8. MIAMI DOLPHINS (7)

9. ST. LOUIS RAMS (8)

10. TAMPA BAY BUCS (9)

11. DALLAS COWBOYS (12)

12. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (13)

13. GREEN BAY PACKERS (14)

14. DENVER BRONCOS (11)

15. BALTIMORE RAVENS (15)

16. NEW YORK GIANTS (16)

17. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (19)

18. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (21)

19. BUFFALO BILLS (18)

20. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (17)

21. CINCINNATI BENGALS (20)

22. NEW YORK JETS (22)

23. CLEVELAND BROWNS (23)

24. HOUSTON TEXANS (26)

25. CHICAGO BEARS (27)

26. ARIZONA CARDINALS (28)

27. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (24)

28. DETROIT LIONS (31)

29. OAKLAND RAIDERS (25)

30. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (29)

31. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (30)

32. ATLANTA FALCONS (32)

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 9 RESULTS

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Piker's editor-in-chief finally moved home offices this past weekend, shedding the shabby Palms Palace in Culver City-adjacent for a California Bungalow-ish fixer with amazing potential in the grooviest small town in LA -- Eagle Rock. Thus, the head of the acclaimed Piker staff didn't have a whole lot of time to watch football on Sunday. However, Piker saw enough to conclude that the participants in Super Bowl XXXVII are now shells of their former world-beating selves. Undoubtedly, this has been an incredibly unpredictable, topsy-turvy first half of the 2003 NFL season, but the Pewter & Black losing at home to the schizoid Saints and the Silver & Black getting pounded by the lowly Lions? To quote the great Slim Pickens from Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles -- "What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? You guys are all dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!" Will the Chiefs lose a game this season? I asked Super Tight End Tony Gonzalez that very same question when I ran into him on the studio lot last week. He replied, "I hope so." Based on that little nugget, I'm sure you're wishing I transcribed the entire interview, but alas, My Girl has been hogging the transcribing device lately and the rest of my dialogue with Tony G will remain a mystery to the perennial perusers of Piker. My gut feeling is the Chiefs will go 15-1 or 14-2 and defeat a battered and bruised NFC winner to be named later in Super Bowl XXXVIII. Sadly, the only shot the Dolphins have of reaching The Big One is if the Piker staff bulked up and replaced the porous group of mammoth mammals Miami has hired to protect their tandem of mediocre quarterbacks.

WON: CHICAGO, DALLAS, HOUSTON, N.Y. GIANTS, CINCINNATI, PHILADELPHIA, NEW ENGLAND

LOST: OAKLAND, MIAMI, TAMPA BAY, PITTSBURGH, ST. LOUIS, MINNESOTA

PUSHED: BALTIMORE

Week 9 wasn't kind to the Piker peops, as the group posted a 7-6-1 mark. Our season stats now stand at: 62-48-4. Just about halfway to the coveted record of 25 games over .500. Previously, Piker promised to buy a round of drinks for all loyal followers of this frivolous site if the Piker staff hit that magic mark, but now Piker will revise the reward to a free beef supreme Chalupa from Taco Bell. Viva El Piker!