FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

I have two measly days of employment left. I shouldn't complain though. Production ended when we filmed the sixth and final episode of the run on Friday night. The stellar wrap party was held in the Foundation Room at the House of Blues on Sunday night and featured an open bar from 7 to 11. Plus, I received a gift in the form of an extra week of work to close down the office. The entire six-week gig was a blessing, as I had not held a full-time job in a year. I've been pretty low-key about my work experience, purposely withholding the name of show to protect the innocent. I will now put you all out of your misery and end the suspense. The television show I am currently working on... at least for two more days... a sitcom... is... "Watching Ellie". A press release announced today that the show will be relaunched on April 15th. Its normal time slot will be Tuesdays at 9:30 on NBC, following "Frasier." In support of me and my career, all I ask is that you tune in once, and only keep watching if you like the show. I think it's pretty funny, but then again, I've been seeing it from the inside out, including rehearsals and live in front of a studio audience, and therefore I don't have much distance or perspective. However, Julia Loius-Dreyfus is undeniably one of the funniest and most talented ladies around. She's Ellie, and she alone is worth watching.

DAYDREAM BELIEVER

One of my all-time favorite short stories, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" now looks like it finally has a strong chance of being remade. Producer Samuel Goldwyn Jr. beat New Line Cinema in a court battle to win back the film rights and quickly set up the project at Paramount, where it's likely that Steven Spielberg will direct Jim Carrey in the title role. I never saw the 1947 original, in which Danny Kaye played Walter Mitty, but this pair doing this story is exciting. It would mark the first collaboration between Spielberg and Carrey and, if all goes well, the movie should break the bank and go down as one of the great ones. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?

THIS IS SPORTSCENTER, THIS IS BRILLIANT

I stumbled upon one of the greatest uses of the internet tonight. For quite some time, I've been wishing I had a tape consisting of all the ESPN commercials that have been made over the years. Finally, my pack-rat prayers have been answered. I don't know how long it's been up and running, but right there on the ESPN site, you'll find a video archive of almost a hundred hilarious "This Is SportsCenter" spots. Advertising comedy at its finest.

TALKIN' TV

For the twentieth year in a row, The Museum of Television and Radio is holding their William S. Paley Television Festival. During the two-week period, the MoTaR puts on these great panel discussions, where they gather the writers, producers, and cast of a show for a screening and Q & A. Last night, that gorgeous TV critic at Salon must have worn her sexy boots and smooth-talked her way into a packed house at the DGA for "24", because she wrote about the event today. If you want to read about it, come with me, I'll show you where it is...

STRONG ARM TACTICS: TAKE TWO

HBO and the producers of "The Sopranos" are using some muscle on their main muscle-man. The premium cable network fired back at James Gandolfini today, filing a $100 million countersuit against the actor. They claim the nine figure amount represents their potential loss if Gandolfini succeeds in sabotaging the fifth season of the show. Clearly, with both sides going to the mattresses, this feud could get ugly. Hopefully, the heads of the families can have a sit-down and settle this war out of court. Best case scenario finds the off-screen conflict influencing the subtext of the show and adding another juicy layer of on-screen tension.

"THE ELECTRIC KOOL AID ACID TEST ON TOFU"

I'm not sure I can find anyone to argue against the notion that Woody Harrelson is an eccentric. Now we have a documentary film to serve as proof. "Go Further" details Harrelson's 1,700 mile journey by hempseed oil-fueled bus from Seattle to Santa Barbara in the spring of 2001. During the THC trek, Harrelson spoke at several colleges on a range of environmental issues and brought along a support staff of stoners. In fact, Harrelson seems to play second fiddle to his elevated entourage in "Go Further."



One of the devotees on the bus is a former co-worker and acquiantence of mine named Steve Clark. Apparently, Clark eventually and inevitably takes a starring role in the dope documentary. If my experiences with him are any indication, this should prove to be a wilder ride than Mr. Toad's. Of the oodles of outrageous things I've heard him utter, the most quotable line remains: "Are you kidding? I'm doing great. A year ago, I came to town with a Bart Simpson backpack and a hit of acid. Now I have two cats and some furniture." Go as far as you need to go to see "Go Further."

SAFETY DANCE

For you kids going out to party this weekend, take a jacket in case you get cold, always use protection, and remember not to overdose.

STRONG ARM TACTICS

James Gandolfini is suing HBO in an effort to get a raise. It seems out of character to me. I mean, Tony Soprano wouldn't resort to a lawsuit, he would take matters into his own hands. This scares me though. I really need to see one last season of "The Sopranos." Unlike many critics, both professional and casual, I thought this past season was excellent. Will Tony and Carmela really get a divorce? Please, James and HBO, settle this thing amicably and cap this great show off with a season for the ages.

I'M A PIKER, YOU'RE A PIKER

Wouldn't ya like to be a Piker too?

Hello fellow Piker. My name is Johny Piker. I was very excited to stumble across you blog as I am conducting a genealogical study on the Piker family clan. Maybe you know this already, but the name Piker comes from Pike, a Native American tribe from Eastern Missouri (currently Pike county) and our ancestors were a mix of Pike tribe members and French colonialists who settled in the area prior to the Louisianna Purchase.

I am writing you because you might be a long lost Piker clan member and would therefore be very important to my work.

Please call or email me as I am very anxious to speak with you. Hopefully, we can reconnect you with your roots.

Sincerely,

Johny Piker

LAST STOP ON THE TOUR

Folks, if you could bear with me just a little longer... I know it's been a long day, but if you'll follow me once more into the Salon, we have a fine selection of lovely desserts, some port wine, and an outstanding review of the "Matisse Picasso" exhibit at the MoMA in NYC that actually inspires me to go see some art. Tell me, doesn't that self-portrait of Matisse look a lot like Ken Layne?

O YEAH

One of my favorite filmmakers is making another comedy. David O. Russell, director of "Spanking the Monkey," "Flirting With Disaster," and "Three Kings," is at it again. This time he's taking on existentialism in a movie tentatively titled "I Love Huckabee's". Check out that cast!

PUT A SPELL ON ME

Every year I get hooked after watching about a minute and a half of the Scipps Howard National Spelling Bee. I love the poise and personality some of the kids show. The one spelling bee I remember participating in, I got ousted on the word "beautiful," after failing to include the "a." Needless to say, I never spelled it wrong again. When I first heard about the documentary "Spellbound," which follows eight kids on their quest to make it to the national finals, I was really amped to see it. Then I forgot about it. Today I was reminded of it again by David Poland in his Oscar Column for Movie City News. Of course, now I'm beyond amped -- I'm stoked to see it.

DEFINE "CELEBRITY"

Piker's favorite TV critic braved the "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" marathon and lived to write about it. Once again, please follow me into the Salon. Watch your step and keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

AIR YABOS

It's rush week for the Mile High Club. Some doubted it would ever happen, but Hooters Air has taken flight, "servicing" a clientele made up mostly of southern gentlemen golfers on their maiden voyage from Atlanta to Myrtle Beach. Hookers Air can't be far behind.

CLUTCH CARGO GIG

HBO is back in the Jack Black business. The premium channel continues to get in bed with the most talented people around. You would think that somewhere somehow another network would take a cue from Home Box Office and offer complete creative freedom to showrunners and writers with vision.

Jack Black is one of the funniest guys around, and now he's really busy too. JB is teaming with Will Ferrell on a film comedy for New Line Cinema, which besides being my occassional employer is also the studio producing the Tenacious D project. If that weren't enough, JB is also co-starring with Ben Stiller in "Envy", a big summer movie directed by Barry Levinson, and "The School of Rock" for "Dazed and Confused" helmer Richard Linklater, which will be coming out in the fall.

My only fear is that with all of these projects scattered around town, Jack Black will become overexposed to the public at large. However, on a personal level, I'm not too concerned because I think he's hysterical and I'll see just about anything he's in. The more JB the merrier.

TORO, KOBE, AND THE DAVER

I had one of the best meals of my life last night with one of my best friends in the whole wide world. D-Laz was in town for business and treated me to a night at Matsuhisa, Nobu's original restaurant. It was surprisingly easy to get a reservation. Apparently, Mondays are the way to go if you just want to eat the delicious food and not concern yourself with the star-studded crowd. We ate five mouth-watering courses of delicacies -- Toro Tartare, Kobe Beef, Rock Schimp, Scallops, and Yellowtail Sashimi with Jalepeno -- and drank cold sake. I felt like a king.

The Daver and his lovely wife Meg have one of those adorable brand-new babies. Tell me this kid isn't cute. Go ahead. I dare you.

TV'S BEST

Six Feet Under is back to take its rightful place at the apex of television. I've heard a lot of grumbling that people weren't so keen on the season premiere. I thought it was an excellent episode that expertly lays the groundwork for what I'm sure will be another phenomenal season. I'd like to think that I have some insight into the show, but for a true in-depth take on the pride of TV, kindly make your way into the Salon.

GOING TO LANGERADO?

Langerado, the music festival taking its name from one of my screen monikers, put on by my brother's best friend, born out of a company they formed together called South Florida Jams, is going off this weekend. The list of bands reads like a who's who of the jamband world and the event is sure to be something that South Florida has never experienced before. I'm proud of my brother and his best friend for believing in something and building a scene in true grassroots tradition. Kudos.

ARE YOU HOT?, THE SEARCH FOR THE WORLD'S SEXIEST PEOPLE

ROUND TWO

ARE YOU HOT?, THE SEARCH FOR THE WORLD'S SEXIEST PEOPLE

ROUND ONE

OR

KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL

As Frank the Tank (Will Ferrell) said to his wife at the end of a conversation after a funeral in which she asked for a divorce... "Good stuff." There's lots of good stuff in "Old School", which I saw this weekend with My Girl, The Rats, and My Film Geek Friend. We all laughed a lot and had a good time, but as is the case with most film comedies, most of the "good stuff" comes in the first two thirds of the movie. Overall, it's a pretty funny movie. I would say the funniest since "Rat Race". But, with a big brother like "Animal House" to look up to, "Old School" could have and should have been a lot better. It seemed like they could have been more playful with a bunch of the material, both on the page and on the set. In particular, I was disappointed by the gymnastics competition at the end. Will Ferrell's floor exercise was funny, but it seemed restrained and too short. Vince Vaughn hanging on the rings with a cigarette dangling from his lip was a funny visual from the trailer, but it didn't go beyond that. The scene built to the fat fraternity pledge completing a successful vault, but it was nothing. It wasn't a laugh and it wasn't satisfying. The entire sequence felt rushed. In theory, I don't think it's a bad idea to push the movie in the direction of a fraternity competition, but where is the climactic party scene? How could they not throw a bash in the dethroned dean's residence?

Ellen Pompeo is something special. She sparkled on the screen. She's adorable. But, why wasn't the relationship story worked into the main fraternity arc. It was like a B story that grazed but never quite intersected with the A story. And then she conveniently comes to him at the end, after he's decided to leave the frat life behind, and after she's discovered -- off screen! -- that Craig Kilborn is a prick. I could have told her that after watching one segment of his crappy late-night show. Another subplot which went nowhere fast was Luke Wilson sleeping with the high school girl who turns out to be the daughter of his boss. Where were the stakes in that story? His boss never found out about it, and when push came to shove, Luke stood up to him and told him what was what and where to go, but we never even saw him kowtow to his boss in the first place. No logic. No payoff. No punchline.

Having said all that, I thought there were a lot of strong laughs. Both the casting and the use of music were outstanding. The big party scene and the fraternity rush scene both contained a lot of fun energy and were paced well. The birthday party scene in which Will Ferrell shoots himself in the neck with the tranquilizer gun was hysterical. As was Will Ferrell streaking naked through the streets. His level of committment to comedy is astounding and I really enjoyed seeing him let loose on the big screen. Vince Vaughn was excellent in a part written extremely well for him. This was the best he's come off in a movie since "Swingers". Even as a straight man, Luke Wilson could have been funnier, but he's likable and he didn't hurt the movie. Jeremy Piven as the villian was so-so. His part wasn't written that funny and he didn't seem to find anything to really play with. Had the antagonist role been stronger, I think the main trio would have had to elevate their collective game to another level to defeat him and the plot would have been strengthened. All in all, though, I was pretty satisfied. I've learned to sufficiently lower my expectations in the third act of film comedies. Rarely does a silly comedy build to a third act punchline that is actually funnier than the setup. I laughed enough in the first two thirds of the thing to walk out of the theater thinking it was a funny movie that I would recommend. But, with a more sure-handed presence guiding the comedy, "Old School" could have been one for the ages.

THE END OF ENNUI

Of course, as soon as I go bitching about the lack of exciting news in the world, the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks is captured.

I do love the photo of that bastard on the front of every newspaper in America. Clearly, he's not a morning person. I can just imagine him complaining about his picture in the paper -- "Why couldn't you use the one of me as the sheik? I look so dashing in that one, with the headpiece and the full beard and those cool ass tinted shades. What about the headshot? For allah's sake, you couldn't just use my headshot?!"

SNOOZEFEST 2003

What a boring week for news.

WE KNOW COMEDY

ABC asserted their strong committment to the unfunny today by picking up a total of 10 shows for next season. In addition to "Alias," "The Bachelor," and "The Bachelorette," the network announced pickups for first-year sitcoms "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter," "Life With Bonnie" and "Less Than Perfect"; second-year sitcoms "According to Jim" and "George Lopez"; and stalwart "My Wife and Kids." And, they showed their equally strong committment to quality hard-hitting programming by renewing "America's Funniest Home Videos."

This just in: Comedy writers say the best way to break into comedy writing is... be funny.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, BUT NOT IN HERE

Nearly two weeks after the "Live From the Blogosphere" panel, the LA Times decided to run a piece on the event, called "Into the Blog". The story is a very basic account of the evening, containing no actual insight "into the blog", and such a narrow perspective, you'd think the bloggers on the panel were the only ones who knew how to type. The only tidbit I liked was the comparison of the "brainy and sexy" Rabbit to Agent Scully. But, honestly, anyone who knows the Rabbit personally, knows that she would whip Scully's ass in a brainy and sexy contest. This article is two dollars short and two weeks too late. It was covered in greater detail and with more flair on a host of blogs during and immediately following the festivities. With this kind of reporting from the LA Times, I think I'll take the advice put forth in the last line of the anemic article:

"Tonight, a community. Tomorrow, an empire. But for now, boot up and read about it on a blog."

Come on, guy.

SAY IT AIN'T SO, JOE

Fox announced plans today to unleash a second installment of mega-hit "Joe Millionaire". This should not come as a shock to anyone. Although logic would dictate that the sly network could only pull of the gigantic prank once, the ratings were just too damned good not to try it again. The finale scored numbers in the same league as the Academy Awards and propeled Fox to a surprise sweeps win in the coveted adults 18-49 demographic. They have to do another one. If they don't, it would be the equivalent of a movie studio failing to make a sequel to a huge summer smash that screamed franchise. It would be like riding Space Mountain for the first time and never going on it again. It would be like going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell at three in the morning after a night of serious partying and only ordering a single beef supreme chalupa.

Now, if they can somehow manage to cast some interesting people, hire a talented editor, and dream up a more clever twist, "Joe Millionaire II" might be worth watching.

THIS IS A NIGHT FOR AMERICANS! AND A DAY FOR DANIEL

After winning the BAFTA award for Best Actor for his role in "Gangs of New York," Oscar front-runner and notorious nutbar Daniel Day-Lewis is giving in. He has agreed to follow up his cutting edge turn as Bill the Butcher with yet another acting gig, a family drama that will be a family affair. His wife, Rebecca Miller, daughter of famed playwright Arthur Miller, co-wrote the script and will direct the Academy Award winner in "Rose and the Snake."

Daniel Day comes clean in a decent Rolling Stone interview.

PUSHING JUNK

I'm in the midst of trying to kick my reality TV habit while network programmers plan a forced overdose. They're like drug dealers handing out free samples, knowing full well that I lack the will power to resist. But am I killing my own career by watching?

PUSHING THE RIGHT BUTTONS

For some time now I've been touting a film column called The Hot Button. This weekend I finally got to meet the man behind the column and I can thankfully report that David Poland is as engaging and entertaining in person as he is on the page. Today's Hot Button contains mentions of both Fox's Master and Commander move and the impromptu bash I sort of co-hosted this weekend. Accompanying David was Movie City News film columnist Ray Pride, who proved to be a veritable font of film knowledge and all-around fun guy. His column, Pride Unprejudiced is now on my must-read list. Newcomers to that list also include Luke Ford, Mickey Kaus, and James Lileks. But I still love my mainstays -- Rabbit Blog, Ken Layne, Matt Welch, Emmanuelle Richard, and Tony Pierce, who were all representing at said bash, styling and profiling as usual.

PUSH IT BACK, PUSH IT BACK, WAY BACK

Thanks to a little release date shuffle, my Master and Commander pick for Best Picture just got a major boost. I'm sure someone at Fox read Piker last week, saw that I thought it had Oscar potential, and decided to better position the film for nominations. Finally, people are starting to pay attention to the Piker.

SATURDAY AT THE SALON

HBO debuted a couple of new late-night shows last night -- "Real Time With Bill Maher" and "Da Ali G Show". I was actually working, if you can believe it, and did not get to see them. Thankfully, the resident TV critic at Salon did. Hey, it's Saturday, so sit back, relax, and read it here. Pamper yourself. You deserve it.

THE PRODUCERS GAME

My Film Geek Friend got me to enter a year-long movie geek game this week. The "Producers Game" is like a fantasy league for movies, where you are asked to forecast the upcoming year in film. You are provided a packet of 2003 Sneaks, which lists almost every movie coming out during the year with loglines, participants, distributors, and likely release dates. You are not confined to choosing from the movies that are listed, so if you uncover an omission in your research, you might attain some form of competitive advantage. Just as in sports fantasy leagues, there are some known quantities, but a lot of it is educated guesswork. So, I read through the packet, did some cursory research, meditated, flipped a few coins, then made my picks. Without much in the way of insider information, I found myself choosing to champion certain movies on sheer instinct alone. After all, the prevailing motto in this town amongst cynics is: "Nobody knows anything." Without furthur adieu, here are the categories and my predictions:


Top Ten Box Office Hits
1. The Matrix: Reloaded
2. The Matrix: Revolutions
3. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
4. The Hulk
5. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
6. Bruce Almighty
7. Finding Nemo
8. Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat
9. The Last Samurai
10. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle

Alternate:
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World


Number One Movie of the Summer
My pick: The Matrix: Reloaded
Reason: Groundbreaking effects. Highly anticipated summer sequel.

Alternate: The Hulk


Number One Christmas Movie
My pick: The Matrix: Revolutions
Reason: Groundbreaking effects. Momentum from Reloaded.

Alternate: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King


Ten Academy Award Nominated Films
(any category acceptable)
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
2. Cold Mountain
3. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
5. The Alamo
6. J.M. Barrie's Neverland
7. Mona Lisa Smile
8. The Matrix: Reloaded
9. The Matrix: Revolutions
10. The Last Samurai

Alternate: Intolerable Cruelty


Five Best Actor/Supporting Actor Nominations
1. Russell Crowe -- Master and Commander
2. Jude Law -- Cold Mountain
3. Philip Seymour Hoffman -- Cold Mountain
4. Jim Carrey -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
5. Dustin Hoffman -- Neverland

Alternate: Cuba Gooding -- Radio


Five Best Actress/Supporting Actress Nominations
1. Julia Roberts -- Mona Lisa Smile
2. Nicole Kidman -- Cold Mountain
3. Kate Winslet -- Neverland
4. Samantha Morton -- In America
5. Gwyneth Paltrow -- Untitled Sylvia Plath Project

Alternate: Keisha Castle-Hughes -- Whale Rider


Best Director Nominations
1. Peter Jackson -- TLOTR: The Return of the King
2. Anthony Minghella -- Cold Mountain
3. Peter Weir -- Master and Commander
4. Andy and Larry Wachowski -- The Matrix: Revolutions
5. Marc Forster -- Neverland

Alternate: Lars Von Trier -- Dogville


Worst Picture Nominated Films (as determined by the Golden Rasberry Awards)
1. From Justin to Kelly
2. The Haunted Mansion
3. Gigli
4. Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
5. Freddy vs. Jason

Alternate: Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights


Best Picture Nominated Films
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
2. Cold Mountain
3. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
4. Neverland
5. Mona Lisa Smile

Alternate: The Alamo


Best Picture
And the winner is: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Reason: Because it's time to annoint Peter Jackson and honor the trilogy.

Alternate: Cold Mountain


You are also encouraged to submit a list of your Top Five Favorite Films of 2002, but that part is optional and doesn't count toward the competition.

My Top Five Favorite Films of 2002
1. Adaptation
2. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
3. The Hours
4. About Schmidt
5. Y Tu Mama Tambien

OUT OF LEFT FIELD... PIKER IN RIGHT FIELD

REALITY REHAB

I took the first step to breaking my reality television habit on Monday night. Instead of staying home to watch the "Joe Millionaire" finale, I went to see a movie instead. Some might say that's just replacing one addiction with another, but it's progress. I didn't even tape it. Of course, I knew My Girl was recording on TiVo and called her as soon as I got home to find out what had happened. When she told me that Evan had picked Zora and the twist was the show cutting them a check for a million bucks, I was glad I didn't watch it. Everyone I know who did watch it said it was boring. And, having watched most of the previous episodes, that doesn't surprise me much. Counting last week's recap show and the first hour of the final episode featuring the girls yapping about their experience, they took what should have been a one hour finale and stretched it into three hours. Plus, the reunion show next week. But, despite that, the ratings were through the roof, with nearly the same amount of viewers tuning in to the finale as last year's Academy Awards ceremony. I'm taking pride in the fact that I cannot be counted amongst that huge chunk of Americans who can say that they saw the finale of "Joe Millionaire."

Instead, I went to go see "The Pianist" and was engaged, engrossed, even mesmerized by the extremely well-executed WWII movie. Adrien Brody, a personal favorite from "Summer of Sam" and "Liberty Heights," gave a vividly sympathetic performance that was vital to the story, which was strictly told from the title character's point-of-view. It's not an easy movie to stomach, but it grabs you, shakes you, and doesn't let you go. Save for the occassional cough, there was absolutely no noise and no talking during the screening. Of course, the Holocaust is such a solemn and monumentally painful subject that it's hard to gear yourself up to go see movies like this, but "The Pianist" is ultimately a story of survival. Unlike most Jews living in Poland at the time, Wladyslaw Szpilman made it out alive, and it was his autobiography that was the basis for the movie. It's important that these kinds of movies keep getting made to remind us of both the potential for great evil and even greater good that lie within us. And they teach us never to forget. We must never forget. I feel like I did something absolutely worthwhile with my Monday evening by seeing this movie and remembering. It was satisfying. Much more so than feeding my addiction by grasping for a voyeuristic thrill and a cheap fix, then hating myself afterwards.

SLOPPY SECONDS

The Hot Button's passion for "Adaptation" is contagious. I finally got around to reading Poland's scene-by-scene breakdown of the film, publsihed in three parts -- Act I, Act II, Act III -- and I caught the fever. I had to see it again. So, this weekend, I saw "Adaptation" at The Grove for the second time. Poland's take on the movie illuminated a level that I sort of missed when I first saw it. I wouldn't say I missed the level entirely, but I didn't delve into it nearly as deeply as Poland's review does. I loved "Adaptation" the first time, and armed with an added layer of understanding and appreciation, I loved it just as much the second time. I overreacted to "The Hours" and placed it above "Adaptation" on my Golden Dozen List for 2002, but "Adaptation" is unquestionably my favorite movie of the year. I would venture to say it's brilliant, especially the screenplay, which should win the Oscar and give the movie its just due. Chris Cooper will probably take home the little bald gold guy for Best Supporting Actor as well. Those wins would be more than justified, given that the best film of 2002 wasn't even nominated for Best Picture.

Warning: Poland's review may be full of insight, but it's also full of proofreading errors. If you've seen the movie once, you'll be able to navigate your way through the mistakes. For instance, when Poland writes "Charlie is dead," you'll figure out that he meant to write "Donald is dead." I wish he would have proofread the piece carefully, because the errors detract from an otherwise outstanding dissection of a complicated film. I still believe it's a worthwhile read. I'm confident you'll want to see the movie again after reading it, unless you're smarter than me and got the whole thing on the first go-round. If you have not seen "Adaptation" yet, I recommend you see it first before reading the spoiler-filled review. And by all means, go see it, the box office take is still far below what it should be for a movie of this quality.

PENIS MYSTERY SOLVED

Using shrewd deductive reasoning, I have concluded that the web page claiming to contain a picture of my penis was a hoax. The penis in the picture does not belong to me. My girlfriend certainly didn't post it. My mom didn't even send it. Some practical joker/hacker somehow made it appear that the email was coming from my mother, but when questioned, my mother didn't know anything about it. I smelled foul play. When I took a closer look at the penis in question, I realized that the web page had been altered to purposely attribute the sad schlong to me. Following some lengthly research, at long last I unearthed the original page. I'm not sure if this Schiffer fellow was responsible for the hoax or not, but my deepest sympathies go out to him if that is indeed a picture of his pathetic putz.

ROTTEN TO THE CORE

On Friday night, a very good film geek friend and Piker enthusiast convinced My Girl and I to attend a midnight movie at The Nuart. The only thing he told us about "The Apple" was that it's so bad it turns deliciously good. Taking his vague description and obvious excitement on faith, we ventured into West L.A. minutes before midnight. Lo and behold, many many more film geeks got wind of the special screening, the first of this campy musical in 20 years! It was a scene. "Dimented and sad, but social." The massive throng waited patiently and in an orderly fashion, as the line wound its way around the corner. Hurriedly, I dropped My Film Geek Friend and My Girl off at the entrance and desperately searched for a parking spot. After finally finding a legitimate place to leave my car, I rushed to find my crew in line. After scanning the entire length of the line, I still had not found them. Then I realized that was the line for the box office! Another line of movie goobers was making its way around the opposite corner of the theater, all the way down the alley, anxiously waiting for the opportunity to enter and score some seats. Luckily, I found My Film Geek Friend (MFGF) and My Girl in the seat line and was reunited with my crew. Just in time too. Apparently, My Film Geek Friend was so amped up by the scene, he was driving My Girl mad, rapidly ranting how we were part of the beginning of something special... the creation of a new Rocky Horror Picture Show phenomenon. At long last, the line began to move and within moments a big-haired big guy was ripping our ticket stubs. MFGF sprinted into the theater and corraled us some prime seats. A few minutes later, the big-haired big guy was standing on the little stage in front of the screen and counting down the top-drawing midnight movies in the Nuart's history, ramping up to the new #1, "The Apple", with a paid attendence of some 350 nerds. Apparently, the big-haired big guy worked very hard to get people to come see this movie and was astonished at just how successful his campaign had been. "How did you people find out?", asked the curious curator. I don't know how everyone else got there, but I sure know that MFGF was responsible for getting My Girl and I into that theater for what turned out to be an incredible movie experience. I now understand why MFGF did not and could not describe the movie to us beyond "It's so bad it's good." "The Apple" is jaw-droppingly rotten, so much so that you can't help but laugh out loud, shake your head, and ask "What were they thinking?" The answer to that question was provided by an opening reel of trailers by Golan-Globus, the producer-director team responsible for "The Apple" and other such dreck, including "Sword of the Barbarians" and "Schizoid." Their intentions were to collect as many overseas movie-going dollars as possible and nothing more. Little did they know, they were unintentionally creating cult classics in the process.

HOT AS HELL

As predicted on this site several days ago, reality TV bottomed out with the debut of "Are You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People." Frankly, I felt a little sick to my stomach after watching the show, like I had done something bad. And I didn't even get to see "Countdown to Hotness," the one hour lead-in to the premiere, which chronicled the audition process. For a well-articulated, professionally-restrained review of this brutally awful show, step lively into the Salon. When they ask you if you want to read the rest of the article, click the Free Day Pass access link, if you're not already a subscribing member.

It's nice to know that America still has its priorities straight, as "Survivor: Amazon" clobbered "Are You Hot?" in the Nielson ratings. The premiere numbers for the latest installment of the fading franchise seemed to indicate that the granddaddy of the current reality TV craze is not dead yet. Personally, I don't have much interest in watching the show anymore. In fact, after suffering through "Are You Hot?" I don't have much interest in watching any reality TV anymore. But, I do have to tune in for the finales of "Joe Millionaire" and "The Bachelorette" this week, if for nothing else than a sense of completion. And, My Girl did just get TiVo...

A TASTY GROOVE: COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

Tenacious D is selling out. In the best way, of course. New Line Cinema has struck a deal with The D to make a feature film and I have a feeling my friend and former housemate Richard Brener had something to do with it. As a matter of fact, when we lived together with three other friends in a giant gaudy house in the Fairfax District, I used to walk down to Largo's on Monday nights for Alternative Comedy night. Frequently, JB and KG would close out the night with one of their hilarious sets. Some nights, I was one of five or six people left in the bar to see it. It's one of the few things I can say I was in on before it blew up. Jack Black is one of the funniest guys working in Hollywood these days and we are in desperate need of some funny film comedies. I'm hoping this one will deliver.

I've also gotten my hopes up that Old School will force me to bust a gut. 'Cause, lord knows, my gut needs a bustin'.

HEY, THAT'S NOT MY PENIS!

My mom sent me this link and asked if my girlfriend posted it.

HI, MY NAME IS PIKER, AND I AM AN ADDICT

My addiction to reality television has reached its peak. On Monday, I watched "Joe Millionaire", despite my constant complaints to anyone who will listen that the show is truly awful in every way. I tuned in because I thought the damn thing was going to come to a climax and we, the audience, would find out which lame girl the lame dude would choose. I also suspected that there would be a twist on a twist, whereby something else would be revealed to top the disclosure that Joe Millionaire is really Joe Liar, a lowly construction worker (moonlighting as an underwear model). Would Evan select Sarah the former fetish film actress? Or would he pick the neurotic, self-conscious Zora, who seems to have psychically known all along that he was keeping a secret? Well, as it turned out, all that was revealed was just how bad television could be, as the entire hour was devoted to a crappy recap of the previous episodes and a cliffhanger ending. After it was over, I wanted to hang myself over a cliff. I was so upset that I watched it. It ruined my night. Yet, I will still watch it next week for the same reasons that I wanted to watch it this week. But I don't know why. I don't like it. I don't get any pleasure out of it. I hate everyone on the show except the butler. It must be the addiction.

I vowed not to watch "American Idol" beyond the first few audition episodes. I loved laughing at the bad singers and didn't really want to jump on the train when it got rolling toward the top ten. But, I got hooked. It became apparent that this time around would be different, featuring a bunch of people who don't look like the American Idol but can sure sing. So I watched it last night and was proven right. The two best performances were turned in by Ruben, an offensive lineman-sized black man with a sweet voice and a gentle spirit, and Kimberly, an overweight black girl with tons of talent. The rest of the show sucked. The good-looking people couldn't sing, couldn't move, and failed to infuse their performances with the slightest bit of soul. One other such contestant who fit the mold, Frenchie, who was set to appear in one of the next two episodes, will not get her chance to strut her stuff. American Idol kicked Frenchie off the show today. Apparently, she posed nude for a Internet porn site a few years back in order to get the money to pay her tuition at Howard University. Frenchie is an amazing singer and word has it that Simon's production company is going to help her career along. But with all of these skeletons in the closet keeping the folks at The Smoking Gun busy, one has to ask, is anyone at these reality shows doing background checks? The very real possibility exists that they are doing the checks and choosing to use the controversy to boost ratings.

I expect the cultural nadir to be reached tomorrow night with the premiere of "Are You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People".

Thank the TV lord for 24.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

OSCAR ODDS

My secret underworld connection just emailed me the early odds for the Oscar races. I cannot divulge my source or my connection's source, but for the sake of pure fun, let's assume both are credible. Please be advised: This site will not be accepting wagers on the event. These odds are for entertainment purposes only.

BEST PICTURE
Chicago............................................................ -250
The Hours......................................................... +250
Gangs of New York......................................... +450
LOTR: The Two Towers.................................. +800
The Pianist........................................................+1400

BEST DIRECTOR 
Martin Scorsese.............................................. -143
Rob Marshall.................................................... +200
Stephen Daldry................................................ +350
Roman Polanski.............................................. +600
Pedro Almodóvar............................................ +1000

BEST ACTOR
Daniel Day-Lewis............................................ -143
Jack Nicholson................................................ +110
Adrien Brody................................................... +500
Nicolas Cage.................................................. +1000
Michael Caine................................................ +1400

BEST ACTRESS
Nicole Kidman................................................ +100
Julianne Moore............................................... +130
Renée Zellweger............................................ +400
Diane Lane..................................................... +550
Salma Hayek.................................................. +1300

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper.................................................. -200
Ed Harris........................................................ +350
Paul Newman................................................ +400
Christopher Walken...................................... +600
John C. Reilly................................................. +1000

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS  
Meryl Streep.................................................. -125
Catherine Zeta-Jones.................................. +110
Julianne Moore............................................. +500
Kathy Bates.................................................. +700
Queen Latifah............................................... +1600

DON'T THANK THE ACADEMY QUITE YET

The Academy Award nominations are out and my predictions weren't too far off. It seemed like I went four out of five in most categories, but no worse than three out of five. "Gangs of New York" bumped out both "About Schmidt" and "Adaptation", both of which are superior movies. Peter Jackson not being nominated for directing "The Two Towers" is wrong. I didn't see "Talk To Her", but I can't help but feel that the slot belonged to Jackson. A trio of acting nominations for "Adaptation", but, as I predicted, no love for director Spike Jonze. Apparently, the Academy loved everything about "Chicago"... except Richard Gere. Happy to see Nic Cage get the nod. Very surprised that Meryl Streep didn't get in for "The Hours". She was fantastic in the film, as she is in everything. I didn't see Frida, so I can't really comment on Salma taking her spot. But Streep did earn a nomination in the supporting category for "Adaptation" and that gave her a record 13 nominations, pushing her past Katherine Hepburn's 12 noms. Even though I put him in with my heart, I knew in my head that Ray Liotta wouldn't make it, but it stings a bit that John C. Reilly took the spot for "Chicago". Nothing against John C., who's a terrific actor, but I was not a big fan of the "Chicago" and did not think his performance merited a place in the top five. Liotta was robbed. Best Supporting Actress was the one category that I nailed, but it's somewhat tainted by the fact that "Chicago" placed two actresses in the category. The movie is simply overrated. "About Schmidt" and "The Two Towers" both should have been nominated for adapted screenplay. "About a Boy" was a pretty entertaining movie, but doesn't deserve to be honored over "Schmidt" or "Towers". And finally, poor Antwone Fisher, both the man and the movie. No screenplay nom, no nominations at all for the film. But, I loved "Y Tu Mama Tambien" and was pleasantly surprised to see it recognized for Best Original Screenplay.

Apparently, Harvey Weinstein has his name on four of the five Best Picture nominees. David Poland's a little peeved that Harvey held so much sway over the Academy.

No one nomination surprised me all that much. Besides the over-nominated, over-hyped "Chicago" and some sentimental noms for "Gangs of New York", it's a pretty deserving list that's representative of an excellent year in cinema.

OSCAR THE GROUCH

Oscar nominations will be announced tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning for us West Coasters. As big a geek as I am about this stuff, I will not be waking up to hear them read live. I will try to get my eight hours in and then check them when I awake. As is tradition, this being the eve of the Academy Award announcements and all, the nominations for The Golden Rasberry Awards were announced today. There was a lot of crap to choose from, and I don't necessarily agree with some of this year's worst picture selections (I really liked Sweatpants Britney and the action scenes from Episode II), but here are the 2003 Razzies:

WORST PICTURE
The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Crossroads
Pinocchio
Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Swept Away

=================================

On to the good stuff. Prediction time.

BEST PICTURE
The Hours
Chicago
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Pianist
About Schmidt

The Victim: Adaptation

BEST DIRECTOR
Martin Scorsese (Gangs of New York)
Stephen Daldry (The Hours)
Roman Polanski (The Pianist)
Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)
Rob Marshall (Chicago)

The Victim: Spike Jonze (Adaptation)

BEST ACTOR
Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt)
Daniel Day-Lewis (Gangs of New York)
Michael Caine (The Quiet American)
Adrien Brody (The Pianist)
Richard Gere (Chicago)

The Victim: Nicolas Cage (Adaptation)

THE BEST ACTRESS
Nicole Kidman (The Hours)
Julianne Moore (Far From Heaven)
Meryl Streep (The Hours)
Renee Zellweger (Chicago)
Diane Lane (Unfaithful)

The Victim: Salma Hayek (Frida)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper (Adaptation)
Ed Harris (The Hours)
Paul Newman (Road to Perdition)
Christopher Walken (Catch Me If You Can)
Ray Liotta (Narc)

The Victims: Alfred Molina (Frida), Dennis Quaid (Far From Heaven)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kathy Bates (About Schmidt)
Meryl Streep (Adaptation)
Julianne Moore (The Hours)
Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago)
Queen Latifah (Chicago)

The Victim: None

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Adaptation (Charlie and the fictional Donald Kaufman)
The Hours (David Hare)
Chicago (Bill Condon)
About Schmidt (Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor)
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (4 writers)

The Victim: The Pianist (Ronald Harwood)

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Far From Heaven (Todd Haynes)
Gangs of New York (Jay Cocks, Kenneth Lonergan, and Steven Zallian)
Antwone Fisher (Antwone Fisher)
Talk To Her (Pedro Almodovar)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (Nia Vardalos)

The Victim: Y Tu Mama Tambien (Alfonso Cuaron and Carlos Cuaron)

WORKING FOR FOOD

Just downed three free slices of Mulberry Street pizza. I forgot how great it is to have all of your meals provided for you. Of course, the downside is, you have to work for it. But, so far, so good. I've been on set all week and I will freely admit that it's actually kind of stimulating to be working in production again. I've basically been working the 12 noon to 12 midnight shift this week, as we shot exteriors on Main Street in Culver City Wednesday night and have been blocking and shooting since. Tonight, we film in front of a studio audience. But enough about work.

A DAY OF MILESTONES

I knew today was going to be out of the ordinary because it started out with some really great news. For the first time in school history my alma mater, the Florida Gators are #1 in the country! They are currently on the longest winning streak in school history as well, at 14 games. Last week, every team in the top five got upset except for them and it was enough to propel them from 4th to 1st in the latest ESPN/USA and AP polls. If you love charts and graphs and brackets and the NCAA tournament as much as I do, you must check out Bracketology. Now, this might be a prime example of ESPN going overboard, but they really love their college basketball. And so do I.

More charts, different event. This year more than in previous years, handicapping for the Oscars has gotten serious. David Poland, who writes an outstanding column on everything cinema called The Hot Button, also contributes to an excellent site called Movie City News. There you will find a page of extremely well-researched and well-educated Top Ten Rankings for who and what will receive Oscar nominations when they are announced a week from tomorrow. Take special note of the tight races for the fifth spot in Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor. Looking over the list of movies and performances and scripts, I'm reminded of just how good a year it was for movies. But, yet again, it was a dreadful year for straight-up comedies. "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" was such a bloated hit precisely because there was a big fat comedy void in the marketplace. "Austin Powers in Goldmember" was a pretty funny movies and a box-office smash, but beyond those two, there is a stack of duds, like "Undercover Brother" which I watched this weekend, now available on DVD. I'm man enough to admit that the movie that made me laugh the most this year, by far, was "Jackass: The Movie." What more do you need to illustrate the current state of big screen comedy? No need to fear, though. I'm doing something about it. I am working on some things that will have all of you howling and hysterical in the coming years... hopefully.

Today marks the one year anniversary of My Girl and I hanging out.

It's also been one full year since I last worked full-time.

But... I landed a gig today. I'm back in the land of sitcom TV. Truthfully, it was a pretty easy call to make:

A) They needed someone with my specific set of skills and experience.
B) It's only a six week committment.
C) It's a five-minute commute to the studio.
D) They pay me money.

Hooray!

THE NEW SALON -- TIME-SHARE SEMINAR STYLE

Hey, how are you today? Would you like to read some hip and edgy online journalism? Great... Please follow me into the Salon where we have a brief presentation on the new Mercedes E-Class. "The 2003 E-Class is a thrilling combination of the familiar and the unexpected, classic details and new attitude. With more standard features and options than ever before, the 2003 E-Class combines everything you love about Mercedes-Benz with the latest innovations in automotive engineering." We're so sure you're going to love the new 2003 E-Class that we're willing to give you a free day's worth of unlimited access to that hip and edgy journalism you expressed interest in earlier. All you have to do is interact with our multi-window presentation and click through to the end and all those free words can be yours. Of course, we used to offer these same words for free, but we're so excited about the new 2003 E-Class that we're thinking of the opportunity to experience it online as an upgrade to the Salon experience. So, step lively. Right this way. There you go. Have a seat, make yourself comfortable, help yourself to some of the free water we're providing, and enjoy your time with the new 2003 E-Class. When the presentation concludes, just click on Go To Salon Premium and there you'll savor such things as an excerpt from Carina Chocano's brand new book "Do You Love Me Or Am I Just Paranoid?" You'll also find an interview of Ms. Chocano by none other than frequent Salon contributor Heather Havrilesky. And you must read Ms. Havrilesky's latest scathing take on pop culture entitled "New Jack City." Of course, there's so much more in the wonderful world of Salon. As a gift from the fine folks at Mercedes, feel free to read as much as you possibly can in 17 hours. After all, it's free.

YOUNG AMERICANS

I know it might seem as though all I ever write about are television, movies, sports, and the occassional book, and that might be because, for the most part, that's all I pay attention to. Call me shallow, but I no matter how hard I try I can't get into politics and business, I can't sink the hook in. So, this electronic chronicle is very much a representation of me and will continue to be. If you like me or my writing, keep coming back. If you come here expecting me to turn political all of a sudden, don't bother.

In that spirit... I watched the season premiere of "American Idol" last night. Apparently, so did a lot of other people. Last night's and tonight's episodes show the process of auditioning new talent for the show in New York, Miami, Austin, Detroit, and Los Angeles. There is almost nothing funnier than who person who can't sing but thinks they have a great voice. There's an incredible amount of self-delusion going on and thankfully the judges, Simon in particular, seem to enjoy shining a light on it. However, I am vowing not to get hooked on this show like I did during the summer. I will gleefully watch these first few to laugh at all the crazy people with no talent who believe they have what it takes to be pop stars, but that is where my involvement will end. That's it. I'm also finished with that stupid "Joe Millionaire." I flipped to it a few times while mainly watching tennis the other night and regretted it. The guy is a dolt, the girls are lame, the setups are stupid, and the host is a complete idiot. The only element that is mildly interesting is the perspective-spouting butler, but he's not funny enough to get me to watch it again. I probably won't watch again until the secret is revealed to whichever gold digger that's unlucky enough to win the construction worker's heart.

The best thing I've seen on television recently was a tennis match replayed on tape delay earlier this afternoon. My buddy on the east coast had already let slip who won and in what fashion by the time I got to see the match, but it didn't matter. Andy Roddick and Younes El-Aynaoui, The Lleyton Hewitt Slayer, played a classic five-set match that will undoubtedly be remembered as the match of this year's Australian Open. In this particular tournament, players do not play a fifth set tiebreaker. Instead, they keep playing until someone wins by two games. Today, Roddick and El-Aynaoui encountered that very situation and battled like gladiators for two and a half hours, in the fifth set alone! Roddick finally prevailed 21-19 in the deciding set after five hours of high-level tennis. The players met at the net and shook hands and then embraced. Roddick seemed to feel bad that El-Aynaoui lost, or that either of them had to lose. Commentator Mary Carillo summed it up by saying that "in the end, it was the entire sport that won." Rarely do you see two likable guys slugging it out like that, leaving it all on the court, and bringing so much sportsmanship to the proceedings. I think that's why the end was so emotional. Roddick was emotional. El-Aynaoui was emotional, but too tired to show it. The announcers clearly felt the emotion. Even I was emotional. My Girl was crying. It was moving. It was a moment. It was one of those heightened sports moments that transcended the game and became about life. That's why I keep watching sports, hoping each time to catch another of those rare moments. Perhaps there may still be one more left in this tournament if Andy Roddick and Andre Agassi end up meeting in the final...

TENNIS AYNAOUI?

The Golden Globes caused a major conflict in the nine o'clock hour last night. The WB was showing the third episode of my new favorite reality TV show "High School Reunion" and The Deuce (ESPN 2) was airing live Australian Open tennis. Even with some dextrous remote control work, My Girl and I still missed a good portion of "Reunion" which I hope to catch in its entirety when they re-air it on Thursday night. What we did see was quite entertaining, with our favorite "character" The Nerd boxing The Bully and making time with The Homecoming Queen. I need to see the whole episode before I can give a fair and accurate assessment. Things looked bleak in the first half of the ten o'clock hour. Renee Zellweger won, Richard Gere won, and Andy Roddick lost the first two sets to the 25th seed, 20 year-old Russian Mikhail Youzhny. But the tide turned as the clock approached eleven. "The Hours" won Best Picture and Roddick began to mount a comeback. The Golden Globes surprisingly finished on time and generously left the spotlight to tennis. Roddick came all the way back from two sets to love to pull out an improbable victory and stay alive in the tournament, slated to play Lleyton Hewitt in the quarterfinals. But, 18th seed Younes El-Aynaoui had other plans. He served the match of his life and would not let world #1 Hewitt take control of the match. Hewitt won the first set in a tie-breaker, El-Aynaoui won the next in tie-breakers with neither player surrendering a break of serve. Until the fourth set when Hewitt, the hometown favorite, double-faulted on break point and gave El-Aynaoui a window to win the match. And win he did, serving it out and taking the fourth set 6-4, upsetting the best player in the world and disappointing a nation in the process.

I must take leave of this blog presently to retire to the living room where I will watch Andre Agassi play his quarterfinal match against Sebastian Grosjean, the fast Frenchman whose name periodically gets stuck on a loop in my head. Au revoir, pikers.

THE GOLDEN DOZEN

Man, it's 6:30 Monday night and I'm still recovering from The Golden Globes last night. What a night. The glitz, the glamour, the limos, the dresses, the jewelry, the parties... Actually, My Girl and I watched it on her couch while eating Fritos and bean dip followed by Tostitos and salsa con queso con extra queso. I'll tell you, if we hadn't gone to see "The Hours" this weekend before the awards, it would have been a real ho-hum affair. Because, despite what your Baby Boomer parents may claim, "Chicago" is not a great movie. In fact, it was a valiant effort to continue the movie musical revival that the spectacular spectacular "Moulin Rouge" set into motion, but it's frankly pretty boring and, at this point, highly overrated. Predictably and disappointingly, "Chicago" beat out "Adaptation" for Best Comedy/Musical. And, while last night's Golden Globes contained a few peak moments, most notably Meryl Streep's acceptance speech in which she once again showed the world what a class act she is, Larry David's acceptance speech in which he publicly hoped that winning the award would guarantee him sex for the night, and Jack Nicholson's acceptance speech in which he admitted to having taken a valium before the ceremony, Renee Zellweger and Richard Gere's wins for Best Actor/Best Actress in a Comedy/Musical and Chicago's triumph for Best Picture in the same category left a real sour taste in our mouths that no amount of cheese dip was going to eliminate. But "The Hours" saved the day by winning Best Picture in the drama category. Judging from the preview and what little I knew about the film, I went in expecting not to like the chick flick. Now I know not to pre-judge a movie on that basis. Everything about this movie is of the highest quality. The writer expertly adapted what must have been a fantastic book into a flawless script and the director brilliantly brought that script to the screen using all of the resources at hand, including the finest ensemble cast of any movie in recent memory and the best score I've heard in a long time. It is with great confidence that I can agree with the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and proclaim my opinion that "The Hours" is the best film of 2002. Thus, I have incorporated it into my new top ten list, which has now been expanded to twelve and will henceforth be known as The Golden Dozen. After sitting with the list for a week, I decided to make a few adjustments which are reflected in the new list.

THE GOLDEN DOZEN

1. The Hours
2. Adaptation
3. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
4. About Schmidt
5. Y Tu Mama Tambien
6. The Rules of Attraction
7. Catch Me If You Can
8. Far From Heaven
9. The Bourne Identity
10. Narc
11. Igby Goes Down
12. Antwone Fisher

*I have yet to see "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind", "The 25th Hour", and "The Pianist" which could potentially alter the final ranking and order of The Golden Dozen

BACK IN INACTION

Back from lunch.

So, today I've learned that this blog flourishes when: a) I'm on the clock. b) I don't have a lot to do. c) I have a computer sitting in front of me. After all, after posting twice in two weeks, this is my second post today!

Since I was last in the Piker flow, I have absorbed seemingly infinite amounts of filmed and televised entertainment. Before I get to the rundown, I must mention that I did manage to read a book over the holidays. A book that was given to me as a gift by a very talented comedy writer back in 1996, my first year working in television. A book that has been recommended to me at least twenty times since and one that I've had in my Must Read stack the entire time -- A Confederacy of Dunces. Thankfully, I was not disappointed. John Kennedy Toole's Pulitzer Prize-winning novel made me laugh out loud many times and a few passages even had me cracking up, which is no small feat from a novel. The literally and figuratively larger-than-life main character of Ignatius J. Reilly is as hilarious as he is ridiculous and serves as the perfect conduit for a truly imaginative and unique voice in literature. A voice that was sadly silenced well before its time.

Now back to the really geeky stuff. High School Reunion continues to entertain me to no end. I can't even pinpoint exactly why I like it so much, I just get this giddy feeling while I'm watching it and I can't wait to see what happens next and who winds up with who. Of course, I'm in this mode of consuming reality television in the massive quantities that the networks are feeding it in. The funniest show on TV right now just might be "The Osbournes." I laugh heartily every single time I watch that show. As far as I can recall, this might be the first time a reality TV show was actually the funniest show on TV. Last week, in addition to "Reunion" I watched "The Bachelorette" and "The Surreal Life", and now I'm hooked on both of them. The only place where I actually drew the line and stopped watching was "Celebrity Mole: Hawaii." That show's just pathetic. If I have to look for a real job, then The Down Syndrome Baldwin should too. I liked the reversal of theme on "The Bachelorette." While the formula of featuring 25 relatively good-looking women is a more obvious ratings gimmick, watching 25 dudes vie for the attention of one hot babe actually makes for better television. I'm anxious to see which of the generic studs survives the next round of cuts. And "The Surreal Life"... I mean, I have no particular insight or enlightening pop culture perspective on this thing that's going to get you to watch it if you're not immediately intrigued by the premise of Emmanuel Lewis, Corey Feldman, Gabrielle Carteris (Andrea from 90210), Vince Neil, Jeri from Survivor, Brande Roderick (playmate), and MC Hammer sharing a house in the Hills for ten days. You just have to watch it. Tonight, "Joe Millionaire". Fox's tricked-ya spin on "The Bachelor" topped all of them in the ratings when it premiered last week. I'm planning on checking it out once and not watching it after that. At least that's the plan. Of course, I'm easily susceptible to getting hooked on the stuff. My TV drug of choice these days remains 24. In the absence of "Six Feet Under" and "The Sopranos", it has climbed to the top rung of the TV quality ladder. I know, I know. I should be getting paid to watch all of this TV. Maybe I'll put up a Pay Pal donation link on this site so you guys can pay me to watch TV so you don't have to. At the very least I should get a free TiVo.

On to the movies. Last week I went to an advance screening of "Narc" and did not expect to like it nearly as much as I did. Extremely well-made movie with some stellar performances by Ray Liotta and Jason Patric. Individually, those two haven't been this good in a long time. And they've never been as good together! I liked it so much that I went home and made an adjustment to my geekier-than-thou 2002 Top Ten List in progress. I'll post what I have here, but there's an accompanying list of movies that I missed that could potentially upset the balance. Maybe I like movies more than the average Joe Millionaire, but I find it hard to confine my list to ten films. Note: I had to make an additional documentary list because I saw so many that I liked last year.

THE TOP TEN

1. Adaptation
2. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
3. The Rules of Attraction
4. Y Tu Mama Tambien
5. Catch Me If You Can
6. About Schmidt
7. Far From Heaven
8. The Bourne Identity
9. Igby Goes Down
10. Narc

*Narc bumped "Gangs of New York" out of the Top Ten. I watched "Antwone Fisher" last night on tape and must confess to shedding a tear, so that film should be placed on the honorable mention edge of The Top Ten as well.

POTENTIAL TOP TEN SPOILERS

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Secretary
The Pianist
The 25th Hour
The Hours
Roger Dodger
Spirited Away

BEST DOCUMENTARIES
(in no particular order)

Bowling For Columbine
Dogtown and Z-Boys
Comedian
The Kid Stays in the Picture
Space Station (IMAX)
Scratch
Jackass: The Movie


MOVIES I LIKED THAT DIDN'T CRACK THE TOP TEN

24 Party People
About A Boy
Road To Perdition
Punch-Drunk Love
Spiderman
Minority Report
Moonlight Mile
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Austin Powers III
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (the action scenes)

BACK IN THE PRATTLE AGAIN

I'm back. Back in L.A. Even back at work. Back at New Line today for the first time in over a month. Back temping for a living. Back to mindlessly and meaninglessly filling seats one day at a time for an insulting wage. Back to reality.

I have obviously been neglectful in maintaining the high level of quality and consistency you devoted readers of Piker have come to expect. I'd like to say that I'm committed to returning this stellar self-publication to prominence, but I'm not sure that my heart is in it. I mean, even I am starting to get bored with my own online journal. I may continue as is and just post when I feel like it, but I would also consider a radical change in format and/or content. Anybody have any ideas?

Back with more later.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Welcome back, Pikers! Here we are in a happy new year. Could this possibly be the last year for human existence? Lots of crazy shit going on in the world, kind of makes me wonder... I think I'm going to take a cue from Jim Morrison: "I'm gonna get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames. All right. All right."

My new year's resolutions: Be more ambitious. Make a lot of money. Be more selfish. Say no more often. Get a job. Grow up.

I firmly believe I can accomplish all of those things by year's end. If anybody cares to aid me in achieving these goals, I welcome your help with open arms.

So far this year, I've already suffered some devastating loses by my favorite sports teams. The Dolphins, The Gators, and The Canes all ended their seasons in disaster. I'm still losing sleep over the Dolphins collapse at New England and that pass interference call in the end zone that ripped back to back national championships out of the Canes' hands. But, it's only a game, right? It hurts in the moment, but you move on. At least you try to move on. The key is to stop dreaming about it.

I have yet to see any movies this year, but I did see a slew of movies in the last few weeks of 2002. My year-end movie summary will be coming soon. However, in the new year, I have already discovered my new favorite show -- High School Reunion. Tune in Sundays at 9pm on the WB. And look for the replay of the series premiere on Thursday night at 8pm, to be followed by the premiere of The Surreal Life. Two phenomenal reality TV premises. I'm severely hooked on "Reunion" already, fascinated by the ways people change and don't change in the ten years following high school. Bullies and crushes and archetypes and stereotypes. You may not know these individual people, but you certainly know their types. Of course, I'm a sucker for all things nostalgiac, so this show is right in sweet spot. I already grow weepy thinking about the glory days of 2002.

I really hope this isn't the last year for humans because I'm having a great time.

THE PIKER HAS LANDED!

Boy, do I feel neglectful. I spent so much time and energy cultivating Piker this year and here I am just pissing it all away. Although it is no excuse, this week has been one of transition. My Girl and I flew down here to South Florida on Tuesday and have been adjusting ever since. Neither one of us are feeling particularly well physically, so the adjustment has been fairly difficult. Fort Lauderdale is nice and warm yet rainy. Hardly feels like Christmas, but then again, being a South Florida Jew, I've never known what Christmas has felt like anyway. Nice to spend time with the folks and my brother and grandmother though. I hope to see some local friends soon and I am anxiously awaiting this weekend's arrival of Henry (Don't Call Me Hank) Lazarus from the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Oh yeah, and I'm looking forward to seeing his parents too. Also, my Godfather and #2 Godmother and Godsister are coming down and we'll be spending our traditional North Miami Beach Christmas with them -- a movie followed by a wild goose chase to find a restaurant that's open and not that crowded and that everyone doesn't hate. I'm dreaming of a sunny and humid Christmas...

Some quick thoughts on entertainment:

ABOUT SCHMIDT - sad movie done with a lot of finesse and at a high level of quality. Once again, Nicholson provides another reason why he's almost everyone's favorite actor. And, if for no other reason, you have to see the movie because Kathy Bates gets naked.

24 - still pretty riveting, but growing increasingly difficult to explain the back story and subplots to new viewers.

SURVIVOR - crapola. For the second straight season, the finale has features two unlikable finalists. Good casting in Brian the used car salesman turned millionaire and Jake the 61-year old Southern gentleman and Erin the fake-boobed hottie who defied the stereotype, but other than that, I'm starting to think that either the applicant pool is extremely weak to yield the people who wind up on the show, or this show has just grown stale and boring and should vote itself off my television.

Thank God this week has finally arrived to replenish the theaters with movies I actually want to see. The last couple of weeks, you'd look at the listings in the mulitplexes and find twenty movies that you didn't give a hoot about -- Adam Sandler's 8 Crazy Nights, Die Another Day, Harry Potter, Treasure Planet, Maid in Manhattan, etc. Now I'm psyched to see Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Gangs of New York, Catch Me If You Can, The Antwone Fischer Story, and even Chicago.

I'm hoping to grow some patience, grin and bear the dial up connection found in Piker's Fort Lauderdale headquarters, and post more often while I'm down here. If I can't manage to do that, I wish everyone a wildly happy holiday season.

SOMEBODY STOP THIS THING BEFORE SOMEONE GETS KILLED

I saw "Rocky V" in the theater. It was a mistake. So was the greenlight that sent that project into motion. I plead with MGM to leave sleeping southpaws where they lie and abandon the idea of bringing a 50-plus Rocky out of retirement and back into the ring . Rocky should have hung up the gloves after defeating Drago and winning over a hostile Moscow crowd. Sure, it was heavy-handed, but "IV" was a lot of fun and the climactic fight scene at the end had me up and out of my chair just like that first fight against Apollo Creed did. The first four movies were Rocky quality, "V" was crap. Its existence insults the franchise almost as much as "Godfather III" does in its parallel gangster universe. "V" felt desperate. The writing was weak, the acting was wooden, the whole thing stunk like the gym where Mickey first taught Balboa how to box. I dread the thought of "Rocky VI." The once proud franchise has already gone one round past the point where it should have thrown in the towel, I beg and plead for it not to get up off the canvas wobbly-legged and cross-eyed and insist, "I can go on. Don't stop it. This fight ain't over." I'm calling it right now. It's over. TKO. To accurately communicate my true feelings about making another Rocky movie, I'll have to paraphrase a heartless Ivan Drago after he knocked Apollo unconscious in the ring, "If it dies, it dies."

DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS

I guess it's officially too late for me to become a wunderkind. I'm past the age of thirty, I have yet to accomplish anything of any significance, and nobody's wondering how I could be this good at such a young age. My story is in direct contrast to the one on display last night when ESPN2 televised a regular season high school basketball game and sent Dick Vitale and Bill Walton to cover it. The attraction: LeBron James. The result: An awesome display of precocious and unselfish bastketball by "The Next Jordan" in a twenty-point upset win over the number one ranked high school team in the country. The Hype had already begun, last night kicked it into high gear. LeBron is clearly a man amongst boys and I agreed with the announcers as they encouraged him to pass go, head directly to the NBA, and collect his $200 million. He has the body, he has the game, and he has the charisma to be an endorsement darling. Why should he risk an injury in college that could prevent him from ever even reaching the pros? Why shouldn't he collect a legitimate paycheck while learning the game? Vitale and Walton also stressed that young LeBron should get an education. He'll have every opportunity to get a degree if he so desires. And for a change, Walton actually said something that I liked... He insisted that the decision is LeBron's. No one should force LeBron into going pro or push LeBron into enrolling at a university. It's LeBron's life and LeBron's future. And the future for LeBron is more than bright, it's flat out blinding.

MY FAVORITE WEEKEND

sloth - n 1: a disinclination to work or exert yourself [syn: slothfulness] 2: any of several slow-moving arboreal mammals of South and Central America; they hang from branches back downward and feed on leaves and fruits [syn: tree sloth] 3: apathy and inactivity in the practice of virtue (personified as one of the deadly sins) [syn: laziness, acedia]

I watched a lot of things this past weekend. The list is embarrassing. I'm not feeling particularly well and I don't have the energy to comment on each of the things I watched, but I probably will anyway.

First off, I saw "Adaptation." It is easily the most inventive movie of the year. I loved it. I want to see it again. I want to see it win awards. Someday I want to own it DVD.
"
On video, I watched "Changing Lanes," "Y Tu Mama Tambien," and "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." I did not care for "Changing Lanes" or for its two protagonists and would not recommend it. I really liked "Y Tu Mama Tambien" and would list it among my favorite movies of the year. "Hedwig" I had seen before and enjoyed it as much the second time as the first.

I watched a boatload of E! Entertainment Television, including multiple episodes of "The Anna Nicole Smith Show," "The Howard Stern Show," and E! True Hollywood Story. The E!THS on "Baywatch" was highly addicting. I learned that David Hasselhoff's ego is equal in size to the combined mass of every fake breast that ever appeared on that show. To paraphrase Kit The Talking Car's partner on "Knight Rider": "I realized there was so much more I wanted to do. I mean, I was always a theater guy. And musical theater at that. I have this huge voice." Speaking of ego, I watched the E! True Hollywood Story on William Shatner as well. E! is like televised crack.

I watched an incredible amount of football, both college and pro. Miami vs. Virginia Tech, Washington State vs. UCLA, and some of Georgia vs. Arkansas on Saturday. Atlanta vs. Tampa Bay, New England vs. Buffalo, San Diego vs. Oakland, and Minnesota vs. Green Bay on Sunday. But it wasn't until last night when the Dolphins beat up on the Bears that I actually got some sports-watching satisfaction. Ricky Williams is the man. A very fast and powerful man who may give the Dolphins a legitimate chance to take the wide-open AFC.

I watched "Saturday Night Live," hosted by Robert De Niro with Norah Jones as the musical guest. It stunk. The writing was total shit, De Niro clearly hadn't rehearsed or glanced at his lines beforehand, Norah Jones was boring, and after it was over I really wanted to give up on the show. There was one very funny episode this season and the rest of it has been forgettable tripe.

And finally, I watched the season four finale of "The Sopranos." I thought it was great. Emotional, smart, and twisty, while culminating several of the season's story lines and setting up others for next season. I'm not in the business of playing the spoiler, so I won't go into detail in case either of you reading this hasn't seen it yet. I think the season as a whole wasn't quite as good as the first two seasons, but, unlike the feeling I had after the season three finale, I was satisfied. The biggest mistake the show made was sitting on the sidelines for 18 months while "Six Feet Under" took over as the best show on television.

That's all I've got. I gave more than I thought I had. Now I have to go eat some dinner before "24" starts.

TEMPORARY RELIEF

I just spent the last couple of hours stuffing envelopes. That was a pleasure compared to the task I was assigned earlier in the day. Things are looking up.

I'M IN HELL... TEMPORARILY

This is the worst day of temping I've had so far. My job is to go through this huge stack of contacts and systematically call each starred entry to verify the person's information. Just about every call has some problem or another. The number is disconnected, the person no longer works there, my call cannot be completed as dialed, the office is closed, wrong number, busy signal, hang up, etc. I was instructed to try to establish another contact if the person no longer works there, but most of the time I'm searching for these people through an automated directory. Sometimes I call and they've never even heard of the person I'm looking for. Sometimes they tell me the person hasn't worked there in years. Other times I call and I get the person who inherited the extension of the person I'm looking for and although they're kind of pissed off, they politely tell me that they have no idea who the person is despite periodically getting calls for them. I've only been able to verify a handful of contacts. A few people I contacted have changed addresses A couple of people told me to remove them from the list altogether. The last person I called, clearly not someone at American Express where I was trying to reach, didn't speak any English.

This stack seems endless. I dread every call I make. I can't wait for this day to end. I'm counting the seconds. I miss my life as an unemployed bum.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I WILL SAY
AT MY WORK AND AT MY PLAY

I have been thoroughly entertained as of late. Some sizzling fast-paced television, a bunch of good movies, and lots of exciting sports have kept me happy. Maybe it's a wave of good vibes. Maybe I am easily amused. Maybe I have been enjoying all of this stuff because I have been avoiding the things I really should be doing. Whatever the case may be, this holiday season not only am I thankful for a great girlfriend, fun faithful friends, and a fantastic family, but I am also thankful for quality in cinema, art, music, books, television, sports, cyberspace, travel, architecture, hiking trails, pets, weddings, beach houses, central heat and air conditioning, and a very comfortable bed.

"The Sopranos" episode on Sunday was simply awesome. Quite a rebound from the weak segment a week ago. I have wickedly mixed emotions about the finale. On one hand, I am anxious as hell to see what goes down. There have been so many fuses lit, I can't wait to see which ones explode. On the other hand, I am dreading the emptiness I'm positive I will feel following the 75-minute season ender.

"24" is a show on fire. Kiefer Sutherland continues to blow me away with some of the most astounding acting I've ever seen on television. And, like last season, the show becomes more fun to watch as the plot unravels one hour at a time. I don't know if anyone else has noticed or not, but Elisha Cuthbert, the girl playing Jack Bauer's daughter Kim, has blossomed into a fine young woman. Dennis Haysbert has improved his acting in playing President David Palmer. But it's still hard to buy this presidential regime in light of the great lengths "The West Wing" has gone to in cementing Martin Sheen in my mind as the ultimate Leader of the Free World.

Speaking of Dennis Haysbert... My Girl and I went to see "Far From Heaven" this weekend and we both thought it was outstanding. Actually, "outstanding" was my description. It was sort of my word for the weekend. But My Girl definitely liked it a lot, as evidenced by the fact that she cried at several key points during the movie. The first time, I turned and asked incredulously if she was crying. She get a little mad because she thought I was making fun of her, but I wasn't. I was just surprised that she was crying so early into the movie. I wasn't sure that the movie had earned that much emotion yet. Apparently, it did for My Girl. I thought it was beautiful to look at, full of rich performances, most notably by Julianne Moore, and in all facets, a director's movie. The attention to detail was impressive. From the way the title splashes across the screen to the period costumes and cars to the melodramatic story to the end credits, this movie was a heartfelt homage to the fifties. Kudos to Todd Haynes. And Dennis Haysbert wasn't half bad.

My Girl and I also watched "Harold and Maude" on DVD this weekend. While the movie ranks near the top of my all-time list, My Girl had never seen it before. Well, after she watched it and liked it very much, she remembered that she had seen some of the movie before. She speculated that she tried to watch it in college while under the influence and fell asleep. I love that movie more and more every time I watch it.

I also watched Escape From Alcatraz" on DVD on J-Yoz's strong recommendation. First time I had seen it. I liked the intensity a lot. It's such a straightforward story without much in the way of subplot. Eastwood gets sent to Alcatraz, the Warden's a prick, no one's ever escaped, Eastwood comes up with a plan to escape, gets some help from his buddies, and busts out. However, it is gripping, and I noticed a bunch of little things in the movie that were used later in "The Shawshank Redemption". I think a lot of younger people hold "Shawshank" in such high regard without knowing its lineage. To those people, I would recommend "Alcatraz" and another of my favorites "Stalag 17". I'm wondering, did they close Alcatraz because the real Frank Morris broke out? Did Morris and his buddies escape successfully or did they drown?