A DECADE OF... DUH, I DON'T KNOW

Today, June 1, 2004 marks my ten-year anniversary of living in Los Angeles. Sure, there's been some extended leaves of absence for periodic sabbaticals in New York, Fort Lauderdale, and One Great Summer in Europe, but it's been ten years since I first moved out West with my brother on June 1, 1994. My brother peaked quickly, outearning each of his three college graduate housemates, including myself, while still only eighteen. But after quitting the cush gig following a dispute, he had a rough go of it, selling coupons door-to-door before packing up and moving back to Florida. All that in six months. And those same six months kicked my ass, too. I lived with my brother in a very hot apartment in Hollywood, right down the street from Rock 'n Roll Ralph's while attending a summer program at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts for six weeks. I did not yet have a car. Then, my brother and I moved into a four-bedroom house in Brentwood Glen with two of my friends from college, and I partnered up one of them on the money-making scheme of buying a car at auction and selling it for a profit. But, hindsight being 20/20, the car we bought was a dud and we couldn't sell it. Nevertheless, that crappy 1990 Volkswagon Fox that refused to stay in third gear allowed me to lie about having experience as a waiter to get a job at Country Star Restaurant, a Hard Rock Cafe-type place for country music fans at Universal CityWalk. But, after a month poorly waiting tables in my personal Museum of Hell, I took a bad spill rollerblading around the neighborhood, broke my wrist and busted up my chin. Without health insurance, I hesitated before finally going to see a doctor and paying out of pocket (and debt) to have him put a cast on my right arm past the elbow and leave it there for ten weeks. Bye-bye, rollerblades. Bye-bye, Country Star. I tried taking the Level One class at The Groundlings, but the instructor politely instructed me to take the class over when I got the cast off. So I slipped into a foggy, dopey, bad-movie watching depression for several months before deciding to go home for the holidays to Florida to regroup. I returned in late December and shortly thereafter my brother announced that he was moving back home. On January 5th, the cast was removed from my arm once and for all and a friend/guardian angel I met out here through my college friends got me an interview at Castle Rock, and they gave me the job. Once again, possession of that 1990 Volkswagon Lemon qualified me to perform the functions of the job, namely messengering packages from one end of this massive city to the other during a perpetual rush hour, and sure enough, the Fox eventually died on a Castle Rock run, blowing a head gasket while delivering a package to Rob Reiner's house in Brentwood. I had the car towed to a nearby gas station and the owner of the garage bought the car for something like three hundred bucks. I know I handed over the proceeds to my partner, and I know he really wanted to strike it rich in the car auction business, but I can't really repay him for eating his half of the money so that I could drive this crappy car and try to make a life here. I can thank him though. Deep down in his blackened soul, he knows who he is.

Ultimately, upon fleeing the Hotel California after failing to be discovered while working at the Burbank Airport location of Alamo Rent-a-Car, my brother proved he was not that invested in his Show Biz Dream. Whereas I stayed here to nobly pursue my SBD (Show Biz Dream, not Silent But Deadly) of becoming a filmmaker. Hey, I knew the odds were long when I moved out here. I knew if I didn't get discovered quickly, I'd probably have to work my ass off for a bunch of years to become one of those overnight success stories publicists like to concoct. I knew the shot. And while I haven't exactly outwitted, outlasted, and outplayed, I've endured. I've persevered. Granted, in ten years, I've written only a couple of screenplays and neither of them even got within sniffing distance of what you would call "interest," and really, when you break it down, following a lengthly stint in the Castle Rock Mailroom, instead of movies, I've been working in sitcom television for eight seasons and have yet to land that coveted breakthrough bottom-rung job known as staff writer, but have been making my living as a writers' assistant, though everyone who wants to manages to hear it as as assistant writer -- Dammit, I'm still here. There's no adequate way to summarize or justify what I've been doing here in La-La Land for a full decade. There's no neat 'n easy recap. Hell, I couldn't even remember half of it if I tried, and I bet that's still a good percentage compared to most. However, I have a confession to make, and me being a Jew, you know it's serious.. I Love L.A. I've grown to love this doomed city. Not all of it, but a lot. There are still things about it I despise and will probably never come to terms with -- the traffic, the pollution, the natural disasters, and the Dodgers to name a few -- yet I've learned to live with those things. At least enough to not want to move away. No city is perfect. You have to learn to accept the city for who or what it is. I still don't know who or what L.A. is, but I've accepted L.A. And L.A. has accepted me. Now if I could just get a fuckin' break already...

THE MIGHTY TITANS

Nova wins! The Nova High School baseball team won its first state championship over the Memorial Day weekend.



While that may not mean shit to most of you, I'm pretty amped about it. Nova High School in Davie, Florida happens to be my alma mater and I happened to be on the baseball team for a season and a half during my sophomore and junior years. During my rookie year on the team, aside from the very rare plate appearance (I went 1 for 3 with a single, a RBI, a groundout, and a strikeout), I sat the bench and watched as our outstanding team won the district and sectional championships before blowing a late lead and losing the regional game to crosstown private school powerhouse Cardinal Gibbons. A double-play ball through the legs in the last inning cost our Nova Titans a trip to the Final Four and a chance to play for the state championship. Cardinal Gibbons went on to win the title that year.

In the middle of the next season, I started to get the sense that I was never going to be a starter on the team and I decided to quit. I retired from baseball and joined my buddy David Lazarus in the broadcast booth for the remainder of my high school life. In the years since, I've read and heard that Nova baseball has continued a tradition of excellence, reaching the final four twice, but failing to come away with that elusive state title.



Pat McQuaid, the man who made me run laps for joking around and didn't try to talk me out of quitting is still the team's coach, and now he finally has his state championship after 30 years of trying. McQuaid is an excellent baseball coach who knows the game inside and out, teaches it well, and works his ass off for the program. I'm happy for him and I congratulate him and the rest of this year's Nova Titans -- State Champions.



Looks like the student body hasn't changed all that much since my days at Nova.

THE DAY THE LAUGHTRACK DIED

Apparently, the Big Brother house was ripped up and lifted off the ground by a huge tornado of networks and plunked down right in the middle of Sitcomland, crushing the stale genre and killing it dead. From coast to coast, including a guy named Goodykoontz, the demise of the sitcom dominated the analysis of the upfront presentations from the Big Four and Little Two. Last week in New York, the six broadcast networks announced their schedules for the upcoming year, trotting out their new ponies, and wooing billions of dollars in advertising money. Arguably, the biggest story was how reality television has taken over the airwaves and the sitcom has faded into oblivion. Working on sitcoms for the past eight years has allowed me to see things from the inside out, and I'm afraid I've seen this coming for some time. I may have even written about it here on Piker, I honestly can't remember. Either way, the sitcom is in crisis and here are several reasons why:

1) THE FORMAT IS AS STALE AS THE CRUST ON YOUR UNDERWEAR

Situation comedies have now been around for 50 years. Their heyday has come and gone and come and gone again. Times have changed. Audiences have become more savvy. They've seen just about every sitcom plot imaginable. So have the writers, and so have the network executives. It's a tired medium. Exhausted, in fact.

While shooting on a soundstage offers great control over production and the ability to shoot in front of a live studio audience, the artificial feel it creates visually feels like a vestige of another era. Video games, action movies, and iPods offer visceral experiences the sitcom simply can't compete with. The rhythms of sitcom dialogue are repetitive, dulling the senses, while the plots are predictable and pedestrian. And quite frankly, the ever-present laughtrack is annoying, pandering, and insulting, and never fails to detract from the viewing experience.

2) THE PROCESS IS PREPOSTEROUS

Getting a sitcom on the air is ridiculously hard. You would think that with such a rigorous system in place the best material would naturally come to the surface. It doesn't. The networks don't take enough chances. Fox takes some, but their taste is iffy. The funniest shows on TV are on cable. "Curb Your Enthusiam", "The Office", "The Daily Show," "South Park," "Significant Others", etc. And "Dave Chappelle's Show" might just be the funniest thing anywhere on the dial. I know it's stating the obvious, but you can get away with more on cable. And not only is getting away with more funnier, but not getting away with more handcuffs the networks from delivering a product that will appeal to their desired demographic.

And that's just getting a show on the air. Once you land on the schedule, you're forced to deal with the incessantly meddling presence of network executives in every decision you make. The axiom "Too many cooks in the kitchen" was never more applicable, except of course in an overstaffed restaurant. With only a handful of exceptions, network executives don't have very good creative instincts. It's not that there aren't funny people writing for sitcoms. There are many talented showrunners who simply are not free to communicate their visions to the mass audience because of all the network interference. By far, HBO has taken the best approach to building a comedy brand for it's network. They've done it by hiring good executives and making deals with singularly talented writers, actors, and directors. And the good executives know not to get in the way of the singularly talented creative people. They contribute, but they don't hover, and that leads to creative freedom.

3) THE "SEINFELD" SYNDROME

"Seinfeld" set the bar too high. With it's stated objectives of "no hugs" and "no learning," that wicked show turned the traditional sitcom on its head. And not one has approached the "Seinfeld" stratosphere since in terms of hilarity. "Frasier" and "Friends" snuck in before "Seinfeld" slammed the door shut, and "Everybody Loves Raymond" decided very early on to embrace tradition and make hugging and learning funny in spite of being old-fashioned. Now "Frasier" and "Friends" are done and "Raymond" is about to embark on its farewell tour. After that, all bias aside, the show I worked on last season and will be working on next season will be the funniest traditional sitcom left. And don't think I'm kidding myself, I'm aware that "Will & Grace" is no "Seinfeld."

But Larry David and several other brave comedy pioneers are showing us the way. The future of the network half-hour most definitely rests on the shoulders of the single-camera comedy. Shows like David's "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Sex and the City," "Scrubs," "Arrested Development," and "The Office," have demonstrated how the sitcom can evolve. And evolve it must. Despite the fact that all of the above shows are critically successful, none of them is what you would call a ratings juggernaut or anything close to a cash cow. In fact, not one single camera comedy has proven to be a franchise player. "Malcolm in the Middle" and "Bernie Mac" flirted with Nielson success before leveling out, and they may represent the closest things to single camera network hits. Until a single camera comedy strikes ratings gold and sells into syndication for piles of money, the sitcom's transition from the stale-old traditional format to single camera will not be complete.

THE HEAT IS OFF... FOR NOW

The Dwayne Wade era has officially begun in Miami. The spotlight may have been on rookies LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony during the regular season, but the Heat rookie used the post-season to give the basketball world a glimpse of how bright his star shines. Wade was unstoppable. Even in yesterday's disappointing Game 6 loss to Indiana to end the Miami Heat season, Wade carried the Heat on his rookie shoulders by making one amazing shot after another, just as he willed Marquette to the Final Four a year ago. And all this while no one else on the Heat could find a way a score. Make no mistake about it, the Heat is now Dwayne Wade's team, and will be for a long time.

My hope is that the Heat keep their nucleus intact. Wade, Lamar Odom, and Caron Butler are outstanding young players who gained immeasurable experience in the playoffs. Brian Grant has the heart of a lion and is very valuable to this young team. In my opinion, Rafer Alston has the ability to develop into an excellent backup point guard. However, Eddie Jones must go. He does not have that X-factor that you need from one of your highest paid players. Call it heart. Call it will. Call it clutch. Whatever you want to call it, Eddie Jones doesn't have it. He doesn't carry that confidence that he can step up big when he needs to. He doesn't have that swagger. Keeping him around might actually hold this team back from progressing next season. Instead, I'd like to see the team acquire a point guard to free up Dwayne Wade to play the 2-guard spot. Although talented enough to play the position, Wade is not a natural point guard and can better utilize his scorer's mentality on the wing. And without a doubt, the Heat need to get bigger. Brian Grant is a woefully undersized center. He should be playing power forward, ideally alongside a post-up, shot-blocking center. I know that's a lot to ask for, but that's what this team needs -- a point guard and a center. Those players don't have to be superstars because the Heat has two potential All-Stars in Dwayne Wade and Lamar Odom. And while we're at it, I'd love to see the Heat pick up a couple of veteran guys to come off the bench. Guys with experience who know how to do the little things necessary to help their team win playoff games. The Heat won a lot more playoff games this year than anybody thought they would. Especially after Pat Riley announced right before the season started that he was stepping down as head coach. Stan Van Gundy came in, struggled through an 0-7 start and some growing pains, then eventually got the most out of his talented but inexperienced team, and led them to a first round win in the playoffs. I'm proud to be a Heat fan today. The future is quite bright indeed.

SCORECARD... RADAR GUN... SCALPEL...

Peter Gammons disects the first month of the baseball season like a relentless surgeon with an undying passion for the OR. Besides that first Yankees-Red Sox game of the season, I didn't watch a lick of baseball in April. But, after reading Gammons, I feel like I'm all caught up. Good thing he was on call and not afraid to pick up a double shift.

HOME IS WHERE THE HEAT IS

As a rule, I don't watch much of the NBA regular season. It's long, it's tedious, and the stakes usually aren't that high. This past season, I watched a little bit more than usual because of LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony coming into the league and giving it a much-needed shot of adrenaline. However, when the NBA Playoffs roll around, I start itching and twitching if I miss even one game. I love the intensity and the sense of urgency. There's tension. There's excitement. There's pressure. It's a chess match. It's a war. It's do or die. And never more so than in a Game 7 situation. Tonight is exactly that for the Miami Heat and the New Orleans Hornets. The home team has won each game of the series, and Game 7 is in Miami, where the Heat have won fifteen straight. The Heat earned that advantage by being one game better than the Hornets during the regular season. Now, they have to use it to be one game better than the Hornets in the playoffs. Miami won the first two games of the series on their home floor, the first on a buzzer-beater by rookie sensation Dwayne Wade, and the second in a thirty-point blowout. But the Heat's inexperience and lack of muscle inside showed in two consecutive losses in New Orleans to even the series. In those games, it was readily apparent that the Heat are in fact a tiny team by NBA standards, with an undersized, spazzy Brian Grant at center and rookie Udonis Haslem as his only backup. But, the Heat returned home and squeezed out a Game 5 victory by four points, then were almost run out of the building in Game 6 by the irritating and intimidating Hornets. Desperate to prolong their post-season, the Hornets set out to get inside the young heads of the Heat and for much of the game, they succeeded. P.J. Brown completely outplayed Lamar Odom, outscoring him and dominating him on the boards. Because the Heat are small they need Odom to get in there and rebound, especially on the defensive end. But Brown, who picked up his sportsmanship award during the game, trash-talked and bullied Odom into his worst game of the series. However, the Heat regained some self-respect by attempting a furious comeback at the end that brought them from eighteen down to within four, but no closer. In order to win Game 7 tonight and advance to the second round, the Heat must keep their composure and force the Hornets to play their game on their home court. They definitely need to box out better on the defensive boards and avoid long stretches without a field goal. Baron Davis is going to get his. Besides Davis though, the Heat are younger, faster, and more talented than the rest of the Hornets. Luckily, they seem to remember that in the comforts of their own home.

Let's Go Heat!

GATHERING NO MOSS

Tonight was to have marked the first time a "Written By Barry Langer" credit appeared on a network sitcom. However, as previously reported, CBS cancelled "The Stones" a few weeks ago. Instead of "The Stones," CBS will be rolling the dice for big ratings with a rerun of "Yes, Dear." I suggest you avoid that pitiful excuse for comedy like the plague and head over to Fox for some soapy fun on "The O.C.", which thankfully just received a pick up order for next season. And don't worry, I'm confident that you'll be seeing the "Written By Barry Langer" credit plenty in the future. Then one day... "Created By Barry Langer"

WHO THE HELL BUILT THIS CITY?

Believe me, I'm well aware that I've been slack in my blogging... duties, but a couple of items caught my attention today and I'm bloggin' the hell out of 'em.

The first item is a press release announcing Blender magazine's 50 Worst Songs Ever! The list will be published in Blender's upcoming issue, and will be the basis for a VH1 special called -- I'm not making this up -- 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

The second item is an outstanding photo essay on Rem Koolhaas by Christopher Hawthorne on Slate. I'll admit to possessing only a superficial knowledge of the world of architecture, but it's a subject that fascinates me and I'm always looking to learn more. On instinct, I find Koolhaas' buildings and designs to be dazzling and daring, but I want to have a better understanding of the ideas behind the concepts. On the recommendation of the photo essayist, I'm planning on reading Rem Koolhaas' Delirious New York. Then I'm going to build my own city. But, under no circumstances will I be using rock 'n roll as my foundation.

I BE ILLIN'

I got the flues. And I got it bad. Caught the flu bug from My Girl and have basically been bed-ridden since Friday. Between the two of us, we've gone through nine boxes of Kleenex, two bottles of Dayquil, and a bottle and a half of Nyquil in five days. It's ugly. It's phlegmy. It's mucousy. It's complete lethargy.

While laid up, I've taken advantage of the downtime to catch up on some sitcoms. I must admit, one of my greatest pleasures these days is deleting things off TiVo after I've watched them. We have two TiVo's in our household, with a maximum of 115 hours of storage capacity, yet we're still fighting a losing battle. So, forced by illness to sit still, I watched the entire season to date of "Scrubs". Now, I'm not going to claim that "Scrubs" is the best show on TV, but I have a soft spot for it. I really enjoy the characters and the tone, and it's a great show to watch when you're sick. Despite having to continually lobby to keep saving the episodes, TiVo allowed me to create my own "Scrubs" marathon when I really needed it. So, now I'm up to date and I'm looking forward to Turk and Carla's upcoming wedding.

In addtion to about twelve episodes of "Scrubs," I also watched three episodes of "Arrested Development", which just cracks me up. Quite possibly the funniest show on television right now. It's a shame nobody watches it. Unless you're "The X-Files" eight years ago, 9:30 Sunday night on Fox is not a great place to be. Also, "Arrested Development" is not broad comedy. It's unfamiliar and unique, and if you're going to do that kind of comedy, generally you want to be on HBO or Comedy Central or BBC America or Bravo or some place on the dial where smart, curious people are actually looking for quality stuff. These days, the networks aren't particularly known for breeding hilarity. I just hope Fox shows some patience and sticks with this wickedly funny show until the people show up. On a personal note, I think Buster is my favorite character on the show.

So, if you're scoring at home, that's 12 for "Scrubs," 3 for "Arrested Develepment," and you can add 3 for "Significant Others". Airing on Bravo, this show about four couples in therapy features a gifted group of improvisational actors who do a skillful job of finding truth and humor in portraying seemingly real relationships. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend checking it out. They only made a total of six episodes, and Bravo repeats them frequently, so it won't be difficult to get up to speed if you so desire.

To round out the scorecard, you can chalk up 3 God-awful "Friends" episodes from this season, and 3 funny "Will & Grace" episodes from the current season that I worked on but never saw cut together. Add it all up and you get comedy overload. By the end of it, I couldn't even bring myself to laugh at the things I thought were funny. But, I did manage to mix in a ton a of sports along the way. Watched a very disappointing Yankees-Red Sox game, a special Friday night telecast on Fox. The Yanks were listless and lifeless, playing a poor brand of baseball and not having much fun doing it. They wound up losing three out of four to the detested Red Sox, culminating in yesterday's late inning collapse on Patriots Day. So the Red Sox win Round 1. But I wouldn't write the Yanks off just yet. They have too much payroll and too much talent. I mean, come on, A-Rod's not going to hit .150 for the entire season.

Besides baseball, I also watched some playoff hockey and portions of each of the opening round games in the NBA playoffs. The only game I was truly invested in was the Miami Heat game. I've been a Heat fan since they were born, having attended the first ever regular season Heat game -- a twenty-point loss to the Clippers. I was excited to see them back in the playoffs for the first time in a while, and they've got a really young, athletic, and exciting team. True to form, they took control of the game against the New Orleans Hornets, only to show their youth and inexperience in a horrendous scoring drought down the stretch. The Hornets came all the way back from a 12-point fourth quarter deficit to tie the game in the final minute. It took a driving, curling, twisting clutch play by Miami rookie phenom Dwayne Wade to win the game with one second left on the clock. Unbelievably frustrating to watch them squander the lead with such inept play, then tremendously exciting to see them pull it out in such dramatic fashion.

All this from the comfort of my own bed. Armed only with the TiVo remote. And some Dayquil, and a few mugs of Cold Care tea, and a bag of Halls Mentho-Lyptus cough drops, and an endless stream of Kleenex with Aloe...

NOT SO GOOD FRIDAY

The Stones? Cancelled.
The party at our house tonight? Cancelled.
My subscription to the Restoration Hardware catalog? Cancelled.

With little fanfare, "The Stones" was taken off the air by CBS on Tuesday. The episode I wrote for the show, my first to be produced, was scheduled to air on April 21. Suffice it to say, it will not be airing on April 21, and is unlikely to ever see the Judith Light of day. I can't say I'm shocked. The show never got off the ground creatively, failing to match the quality of the pilot (which was "pretty good" to begin with), and the ratings reflected that. I would have liked to have seen a credit read "Written By Barry Langer" on the TeeVee, but I'll have my day. Just wrapped the season on "Will & Grace" and now I'm going to make a run at finally getting staffed on a sitcom for next season. Anybody want to hire a funny guy with two great specs and over a 100 episodes of writers room and production experience?

THE END OF MARCH, BUT NOT THE MADNESS

I've been really slack on blogging the NCAA Tourney this year. Let's fact it, I've been really slack on blogging anything. I'm not much of a blogger anymore. My workday is full and efficient and I share a community comuter with the rest of the office, so I'm not very connected to my online life. However, we begin filming the season finale of Will & Grace this evening and my cush gig here will be ending next week. So, that means that if I so desire, I will have the time to blog in the near future. But, in all honesty, I'm not that into it anymore. I know some people have been incredibly loyal readers (or at least they've come by to check to see if I posted anything knew, even though most days I haven't), but most of the time I feel like I'm really just doing it for myself. Does anyone really care what I have to say about the NCAA Tourney? I'm not sure. But I'm also not sure I care. I once thought of this site as an place to exercise my writing. I have to get back to thinking of it that way. I'm going to start now.

On this final day of one of my favorite months, I find myself looking forward to a phenomenal Final Four and looking back on an exciting tournament. Last weekend in particular offered two excellent games and one for the ages. Duke/Xavier was a tight contest throughout and played at a very high level, with Luol Deng coming up with two huge plays down the stretch to secure the victory for Duke and send them to antoher Final Four. Georgia Tech/Kansas was a much scrappier game, but equally as competitive and gripping. Surprisingly, Kansas failed to utilize their star Wayne Simian when it mattered and Georgia Tech pulled it out to make two ACC teams in the Final Four. UConn blew out Alabama with a flawless performance which suggested that the Huskies could take it all. And then there was St. Joseph's/Oklahoma State. What a game. Cleanly played by a collection of talented players and several legitimate stars. John Lucas stepped up and hit two huge shots after a horrible shooting spell in the first half. Jameer Nelson showed great body control and a deep knowledge of the game in carrying his undersized team as far as they could go. Both teams played unyielding defense and left it all on the court, showing so much combined heart that the end of game had a heavy sadness that one team had to lose. And what a shame that Jameer's college career had to end that way, with his fallback jumper to tie it falling short at the buzzer. Heartbreaking. I expect Oklahoma State to beat Georgia Tech soundly and advance to the Final Game against the winner of the Duke/UConn game. I'd give a slight edge to UConn in matchups, but something tells me it's going to be Duke and OK State in the final. We'll see how it plays out.

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE MAD

The tourney is underway. All in all, while there were a few upsets, there were not a lot of surprises on the first day of madness.

Everybody picked Manhattan to upset my alma mater Florida. After reaching number one earlier in the season, only to lose twice that same week, the Gators never really recovered. Later in the season, solid swingman/point forward Christian Drejer defected to play pro ball in Spain, and left Florida a bit thin. Anthony Roberson and Matt Walsh can light it up, but neither of them are the type of players who can carry a team, and they lacked the talent inside. David Lee is an okay inside player who won't dominate anyone, and the other guys are average big men. Overall, they didn't have a leader and didn't play with a lot of confidence, getting blown out three times this season by conference rival Kentucky. Very disappointing. I like Billy Donovan, but Gator fans are calling into question his ability to get the best out of his talent after Florida was upset today in the first round for the second time in four years. The other two years, the Gators lost in the second round, and have failed to advance to the second week of NCAA play since they went to the final game against Michigan State in 2000.

Nevada upset Michigan State, but I have to admit I picked that game and I bet a lot of other people did too. The Spartans played too tough an out-of-conference schedule early in the season and struggled just to get back to respectability from then on. They looked like they had control of the game, but Nevada made a run and took it over late and appeared to be the better team. Tom Izzo will not be happy with his underachieving team after being thrilled by his overachieving tourney run last year.

Speaking of underachieving, the Arizona Wildcats had a season to forget. Once an early season favorite, the Cats played themselves down to a number nine seed, then couldn't knock off number eight seed Seton Hall in Round One. The Pirates, coached by former Knick Louis Orr, outplayed Lute Olsen's team down the stretch with fundamentally sound basketball and more heart. And to think, I actually got excited when Florida beat the Wildcats in a great game at the beginning of the season. That win certainly doesn't mean much now.

My second favorite team, the DePaul Blue Demons played the tightest game of the day, finally defeating longtime rival, the Dayton Flyers in double overtime. Exciting game. Great to see the Blue Demons back in the tourney and into the second round. Now their coach gets a shot at his mentor Jim Calhoun and the Connecticut Huskies. And with the Gators out, at least I still have a team close to my heart to root for.

I'm pulling for St. Joseph's and Gonzaga to go far into the tournament and prove that smaller school, "mid-majors", can play the favorites and hold their own against the big bullies of the major conferences. I'm also looking forward to the weekend when I can actually sit down and watch games all day. Today, all I got to see was the end of Nevada's upset over Michigan State and Arizona's weak finish in losing to Seton Hall and the conclusion of DePaul's slugfest win over Dayton. But still, it's tourney time. My basketball blood is pumping and I'm finding hard to think about anything else.

I tend to rely on ESPN.com, Dickie V, and Andy Katz during the tournament, because they love college basketball more than any other news source, and because I started watching college b-ball on the cable station when ESPN was born and I was eight years old. That's how a Jewish kid from South Florida came to adopt a Roman Catholic school in Chicago as his early favorite team.

We are... DePaul! Go Blue Demons!

THE MADNESS

Any self-respecting loyal reader of Piker knows that I quickly become obsessed with the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. It is, without question, my favorite sporting event. Unfortunately, all thoughts of a Will & Grace office pool have evaporated, and the games begin tomorrow morning at 9 am PST. Thus, I'm going to post my picks here to serve as an official record of my predicted bracket.

I'm going to assume that any college B-ball fan has already gone elsewhere to print out a blank bracket, so I'm not going to bother linking to one. I wish I had the time and the know-how to post my completed bracket to this site, but alas, I do not. So, I am simply going to list my picks below. Oh, and by the way, I'm refusing to give up the old names of the regions, so you'll see both in the headers.

WINNERS -- ROUND 1

MIDWEST (St. Louis)

(1) Kentucky
(8) Washington
(12) Pacific
(4) Kansas
(6) Boston College
(3) Georgia Tech
(10) Nevada
(2) Gonzaga

EAST (East Rutherford)

(1) St. Joseph's
(9) Charlotte
(5) Florida
(4) Wake Forest
(6) Wisconsin
(3) Pittsburgh
(10) South Carolina
(2) Oklahoma State

SOUTH (Atlanta)

(1) Duke
(9) Arizona
(5) Illinois
(13) ETSU
(6) North Carolina
(3) Texas
(7) Xavier
(2) Mississippi State

WEST (Phoenix)

(1) Stanford
(8) Alabama
(5) Syracuse
(4) Maryland
(11) Western Michigan
(14) LA Lafayette
(7) DePaul
(2) UConn


THE SWEET SIXTEEN

MIDWEST

(1) Kentucky
(4) Kansas
(3) Georgia Tech
(2) Gonzaga

EAST

(1) St. Joe's
(4) Wake Forest
(3) Pitt
(2) OK State

SOUTH

(1) Duke
(13) ETSU
(6) NC
(2) Mississippi St.

WEST

(1) Stanford
(4) Maryland
(11) Western Michigan
(2) UConn


THE ELITE EIGHT

MIDWEST

(1) Kentucky
(3) Georgia Tech

EAST

(1) St. Joe's
(2) OK State

SOUTH

(1) Duke
(2) Mississippi St.

WEST

(1) Stanford
(2) UConn


THE FINAL FOUR

(1) Kentucky -- MIDWEST
(2) OK State -- EAST
(2) Mississippi State - SOUTH
(1) Stanford -- WEST


THE FINAL GAME

(1) Kentucky
(1) Stanford


THE NATIONAL CHAMPION

(1) Stanford


Let the games begin.

Hello Pikers,

I've been profiled! If you are interested... You can hear a summary of my career and work life in four
short minutes. All you have to do is follow the link
below and scroll down to near the bottom of the page. There you will find the headline: A Day in the Life:Writer's Assistant, "Will and Grace." Simply click and listen.

Note: Depending on your computer setup, it'll either
start downloading or begin playing right away.

Hope you like.

Piker

PIKER PARTICIPATES IN PRODUCERS GAME

The Producers Game is the movie equivalent of Fantasy Baseball. The player speculates on the box office hits and the Academy Award nominations for the upcoming year. This is the second year in a row I've played the game. Last year's game, which ends tonight, was a great exercise and a real learning experience. The aptly titled game forces you to put yourself in the shoes of the executives and creatives who play the game for a living. Last February, I correctly predicted that The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and Master And Commander: The Far Side of the World would both be nominated for Best Picture. Conversely, I also predicted Mona Lisa Smile, Cold Mountain, and J.M. Barrie's Neverland would also be nominated. My best pick, which was honored as the Clutch Pick of the Year and one of the clutchest of all time, was Keisha Castle-Hughes for Best Actress. I don't know how, I don't know why, but somehow in my research I had a hunch that it would happen. But, a lot of people picked LOTR: TROTK to win Best Picture, so even if it does, I'm going to lose the game. Doesn't matter. I love the game and yesterday (five days after it was due) I sat down to do my picks for the 2004 season. Again, I loved the process of familiarizing myself with the Sneaks (a list of every movie set to be released), release schedules, prestige, budgets, etc. in order to be properly informed when making my selections. And without further adieu, my selections (and a little treat at the end):

1. TOP TEN HITS OF THE YEAR (2 points each)
For movies released between: 2/23/04 - 1/2/05


1. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban



2. Spider-Man 2



3. Shrek 2



4. I, Robot



5. Catwoman



6. The Incredibles



7. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow



8. Troy



9. Van Helsing



10. Anchorman



Alternate: The Day After Tomorrow



2. THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE OF THE SUMMER (3 points)



My pick: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban



Reason: The surest of the sure things.



Alternate: Spider-Man 2



3. THE NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS MOVIE (3 points) For movies released between: The first week of November and New Years Weekend.




My pick: The Incredibles



Reason: Positioning. An early November release date gives it a chance to pick up steam before Thanksgiving and run all the way through the holidays.



Alternate: Meet the Fockers



4. TEN ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATED FILMS (maximum 2 points each) All nominated categories are acceptable.



1. The Aviator



2. Alexander



3. Closer



4. J.M. Barrie's Neverland



5. Spanglish



6. An Unfinished Life



7. The Terminal



8. The Incredibles



9. Shark Tale



10. Vanity Fair



Alternate: The Brothers Grimm



5. BEST ACTOR/SUPPORTING ACTOR NOMINATIONS (Name the actor and the film. Each worth 3 points + bonus point if your pick actually wins)



1. Tom Hanks - The Terminal



2. Leonardo DiCaprio - The Aviator



3. Jude Law - Closer



4. Dustin Hoffman - J.M. Barrie's Neverland



5. Liam Neeson - Kinsey



Alternate: Daniel Day-Lewis - Rose and the Snake



6. BEST ACTRESS/SUPPORTING ACTRESS NOMINATIONS (Name the actress and the film. Each worth 3 points + bonus point if your pick actually wins)



1. Reese Witherspoon - Vanity Fair



2. Kate Winslet - J.M. Barrie's Neverland



3. Gwyneth Paltrow - Proof



4. Lauren Bacall - Birth



5. Meryl Streep - The Manchurian Candidate



Alternate: Anne Reid - The Mother



7. BEST DIRECTOR NOMINATIONS (Name the director and the film. Each worth 3 points + bonus point if your pick actually wins)



1. Martin Scorsese - The Aviator



2. Oliver Stone - Alexander



3. Mike Nichols - Closer



4. James L. Brooks - Spanglish



5. Terry Gilliam - The Brothers Grimm



Alternate: Lasse Hallstrom - An Unfinished Life



8. WORST PICTURE NOMINATED FILMS As determined by the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation. (Each worth 3 points + bonus point if your pick actually wins)



1. Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed



2. The Chronicles of Riddick



3. Son of the Mask



4. Alien vs. Predator



5. Catwoman



Alternate: New York Minute



9. BEST PICTURE NOMINATED FILMS (each worth 5 points)



1. The Aviator



2. Alexander



3. Closer



4. J.M. Barrie's Neverland



5. Spanglish



Alternate: An Unfinished Life



10. BEST PICTURE (worth 30 points)



And the winner is: The Aviator



Reason: It's going to come down to Scorsese vs. Stone. Stone has won before, Scorsese hasn't. Scorsese takes home his first Best Picture.



Alternate: Alexander



2004 Films I'm Most Excited About (Aside from some of those mentioned above.)



1. The Life Aquatic - Wes Anderson directs Bill Murray as a Jacques Cousteau-like oceanographer on the trail of a mythical beast.



2. I Heart Huckabee's - Team of detectives helps clients with their existential issues. David O. Russell (Flirting With Disaster, Three Kings,) directs Jason Schwartzman, Jude Law, Naomi Watts Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin, Mark Wahlberg, and Isabelle Huppert.



3. Kill Bill: Volume 2 - Revenge-minded Uma Thurman continues her quest but must still dispatch Michael Madsen and Daryl Hannah before she gets to Bill (David Carradine). Quentin Tarrantino directs.



4. The Ringer - Johnny Knoxville (Jackass) stars in this this Farrelly Brothers-produced enterprise about a man desperate enough to try to fix the Special Olympics.



5. Soul Plane - You are now free to dance about the cabin, on a new black-owned airline packed with funky amenities. Kevin Hart, Method Man, Tom Arnold, and Snoop Dogg star.



6. Garfield - The comic strip cat sounds a lot like Bill Murray as the lazy feline makes his computer-generated film debut.



7. Untitled Dodgeball Comedy - Habitues of a neighborhood gym suit up for a Dodgeball match to save their haven from a giant fitness center. Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller star.



8. Wimbledon - Journeyman tennis pro Paul Bettany hits a hot streak, profesionally and romantically, winning matches and wooing U.S. Star Kirsten Dunst, at the presitgious All-England championship.



9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Writer Charlie Kaufman and Director Michael Gondry cook up a memory-erasing procedure that leads to desperate mind games for estranged couple Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet.



10. The Bourne Supremecy - Matt Damon is back as the assassin in the sequel to The Bourne Identity.

PIKER PICKS: THE OSCARS

I'm a creature of habit. And I've become accustomed to the Academy Awards contributing to March Madness year after year, working in tandem with the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament to make March my favorite month that doesn't contain my birthday. But, here we are on Leap Day, hanging out with the security guard assigned to us to make sure we don't lose or damage all that expensive jewelry we've been loaned for this evening's Big Event. I love the Oscars. It's not so much the ceremony that gives me so much pleasure as the handicapping. Tonight marks the culmination of an Oscar tracking process that began last year at this time when I entered a little handicapping venture called The Producers Game. (More on The Producers Game later.)

Before I make my predictions, I must credit David Poland, who practically makes his living charting the ups and downs of Oscar season, with any inside knowledge I might have in the matter. And away we go...

BEST ACTOR - LEADING

Sean Penn - Mystic River
Although I'm secretly rooting for Bill Murray.

BEST ACTRESS - LEADING

Charlize Theron - Monster

BEST ACTOR - SUPPORTING

Tim Robbins - Mystic River

BEST ACTRESS - SUPPORTING

Shohreh Aghdashloo - House of Sand and Fog
But really I'll be happy with anyone but Zellweger.

BEST DIRECTOR

Peter Jackson - The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

BEST SCREENPLAY - ADAPTED

Mystic River

BEST SCREENPLAY - ORIGINAL

Lost in Translation

And finally...

BEST PICTURE

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Enjoy the festivities, but you know, don't take it too seriously. I mean, really, it's still about losing yourself to another world in a darkened theater to get some distance from reality and gain some perspective on the human condition.

Ciao.

OSCAR IS NOT SO GROUCHY

You know, after reading over the list of nominations a bunch of times, I really don't have that many complaints. As always, you don't get everything you want. So, naturally, I'm disappointed in a few things. "In America" should have gotten that fifth Best Picture slot over "Seabiscuit" and Jim Sheridan could have been nominated for Best Director. And I wanted to see Scarlett Johansson nominated for "Lost in Translation." But, besides that, I think the Academy did an admirable job. Loved the mulitiple nominations for "Lost in Translation" and "City of God." Ecstatic about Bill Murray. Happy for "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King", which capped off what will be rememberd as the best trilogy ever when all is said and done. And, on that note, I'm done. Gotta go to the show with the Will and Grace and the Jack and Karen.

LONG TIME, NO POST

Yeah, I know, I'm a piker. I've been neglecting this site in a major way for some time now. Just cut me some slack, man. My life has changed, my routine is completely different... I've changed. So, if you pikers are still checking here for new stuff, that means that you've missed me, or at least you've missed my writing. That's a good sign. To be honest, I've missed my writing.

As usual, I don't have much time to post anything in depth. But, I do want to list a few things I've been enjoying recently:

-- Attended the Second Annual Grilled Cheese International at Theory Labs this weekend. What a fantastic event. I mean, it's a competition to see who can make the best grilled cheese. There were two categories: Missionary and Kama Sutra. Missionary meant you just make a standard grilled cheese and Kama Sutra meant you can get as funky as you want as long as the thing was still at least sixty percent cheese. Lots of cheese. Lots of fun.

-- Watched the Men's Snowboarding Super Pipe Finals of The X Games last night. My favorite boarder Danny Kass finished second even though he did not perform his patented Kass-a-Roll maneuver. This has got to be the coolest sport on the planet. The aerials these guys pull off are incredible to watch, the participants are as colorful as can be, and the whole vibe is just flat out stoked.

-- Obviously, if you've been reading Piker at all in the last few months, you know I've been following the NFL season extremely closely. So, naturally, I'm psyched for Super Bowl XXXVIII this coming Sunday. Most likely, I'll be attending Nitrous Bowl IV, the Super Bowl party where I met My Girl two years ago. But, there's a groundswell for a sea change this year, and Nitrous Bowl could very well morph into something a little different, say Shroom Bowl I...

-- Eagle Rock and Pasadena, Los Angeles. My Girl and I have been living together in Eagle Rock for the past three months. I have fallen hard for our little small town within a big city and I'm loving living there. I have also come to dig on Pasadena, where My Girl and I seem to gravitate to every weekend. Whether it be for the great restaurants like Yujean Kang's or the great shopping at Paseo Colorado or movies at the Academy 6, we're feeling blessed to live one exit down from this amazing city within a city.

-- The Academy Award Nominations and the Golden Globe Awards. As a ceremony, the Golden Globes was rather ho-hum, although My Girl and I had a great time watching it, but for the most part I got the feeling the awards went to the right people. "24" was kind of a shocking win. "Six Feet Under" should have won. And Anthony LaPaglia winning for Best Actor was questionable. Actually, Kiefer Sutherland should have won that one. I'm going to do a full rundown of the Academy Award noms either later tonight or tomorrow.

I'm writing again. Check back for frequent updates, pikers.

PIKER PLAYOFF PICKS

Here we are at halftime of the Carolina-St. Louis game with the Panthers leading 10-9. Obviously, Piker missed the deadline to pick this game, but for what it's worth, Carolina getting 7 points would have been the pick. But, that point is moot.

Last week, Piker went 3-1 in his playoffs picks. However, the one loss was a bad one. Piker picked Denver +3 against Indy, but would have lost that game even if it was Denver +30. What an embarrassing loss for Denver. After dominating the Colts in Indianapolis two weeks earlier, the Broncos just couldn't do a single thing right. Indy come out playing with a lot of emotion and Denver never got into the game. Peyton got his first playoff win and poor Mike Shanahan still doesn't have a playoff win since John Elway retired after winning two straight Super Bowls.

On to this week's picks before Piker misses any more deadlines. Whenever Piker has picked against New England this season, Piker's been burned, but....

1/10 4:30 PM ET
OFF THE BOARD

Carolina
ST. LOUIS -7

1/10 8:15 PM ET

Tennessee
NEW ENGLAND -6

1/11 1:00 PM ET

Indianapolis
KANSAS CITY -3

1/11 4:45 PM ET

Green Bay
PHILADELPHIA -5.5

PIKER PLAYOFF PICKS

1/3/04 4:30 PM ET

Tennessee -1.5
BALTIMORE

1/3/04 8:00 PM ET

Dallas
CAROLINA -3

1/4/04 1:00 PM ET

Seattle
GREEN BAY -7.5

1/4/04 4:30 PM ET

Denver
INDIANAPOLIS -3

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 17 RESULTS

So close. Piker pined to end the 2003 NFL season with a record 20 games over .500. Piker fell one game short, going 9-7 in the final week of the regular season to finish with a 125-107-8 record. However, Piker is pleased as punch that this season-long experiment resulted in a winning record. If Piker had placed bets on every regular season game after Week 1, provided it was the same amount of money on each game, Piker would have won money over the course of the season. That impresses Piker, precisely because it's un-Piker-like.

WON: New England, Atlanta, Cleveland, Houston, Kansas City, New Orleans, Tennessee, Green Bay, Arizona

LOST: San Francicso, Washington, St. Louis, Miami, N.Y. Giants, Oakland, Baltimore

Just as Piker did, Piker's Miami Dolphins came up one game short as well. They finished 10-6 on the year and missed the playoffs for the second straight season. They are the first NFL team in 10 years to win 10 games in the regular season and fail to qualify for the post-season. But, it's inexusable. The Dolphins simply failed to play up to their talent level. They lost close games at home that they had chances to win. They turned the ball over at deciding moments in games. They rarely dominated the line of scrimmage. They didn't use Ricky Williams like the superstar that he is. They didn't make big defensive plays at the end of games. And besides an ugly 9-6 win over Baltimore and a thrilling Thanksgiving Day victory over Dallas, they failes to beat playoff teams. Then they decided to retain Dave Wannestadt. That did not make Piker happy. Piker does not believe that Dave Wannestadt can lead the Dolphins to the Super Bowl. And Piker does not believe that Jay Fiedler can lead the Dolphins to the Super Bowl. On those notes, Piker believes that Jay Fiedler will not be the Dolphins starting QB at the beginning of next season and Piker believes that Dave Wannestadt will not make it through the 2004 season as the head coach of the Miami Dolphins. And, unless the Dolphins find their own Jack McKeon miracle in Miami, they will not win the Super Bowl next season.

THE KING OF RINGS

Piker intended to live at the movie theater this holiday season. It hasn't quite worked out that way, but Piker has seen two movies. The first was Bad Santa, which had its funny moments but was ultimately unsatisfying and nothing special. Yesterday, Piker saw The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. It too had its funny moments, but was ultimately one of the most satisfying and special movies Piker has even seen. Piker actually shed tears in the third Act. The trilogy as a whole was such a powerful experience. What amazed Piker most was the combination of technical mastery of the visual world of Tolkien's books and the sterling storytelling structure that leads to a highly emotional experience. Peter Jackson obviously deserves much of the credit as director of this massive undertaking. The Lord of the Rings trilogy is so humongus in scope and so technical and complicated that what may get lost in talking about these films is Jackson's work with the actors. He elicits so many great acting performances, both large and small, and accomplishes the elusive cohesion that every director strives for, where every part serves the whole. In fact, every last detail on that screen displays the work of a master filmmaker getting the very best work out of hundreds and hundreds of people who participated in mounting this epic series. Not since the first Star Wars trilogy has such a saga captured the imagination of a movie-going generation.

I first read "The Hobbit" in seventh grade. Tolkien's world was etched in my little Piker brain, but for some reason, I never read The Lord of the Rings trilogy of books. In a way, I'm glad. It allowed me to view the movies with fresh eyes and that child-like sense of wonder of what would happen next. Now that I've seen the entire trilogy up on that big screen, I'm ready to tackle the series of books. In fact, I'm more psyched than ever to read them.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 17

12/27 1:30 PM ET

Buffalo
NEW ENGLAND -9

12/27 5:00 PM ET

Seattle
SAN FRANCISCO -2.5

12/27 8:30 PM ET

Philadelphia -8
WASHINGTON

12/28 1:00 PM ET

Jacksonville
ATLANTA -3

Cleveland
CINCINNATI -7.5

St. Louis -10
DETROIT

Indianapolis -7
HOUSTON

Chicago
KANSAS CITY -9.5

N.Y Jets
MIAMI -4

Dallas -1.5
NEW ORLEANS

Tampa Bay
TENNESSEE -7

12/28 4:05 PM ET

Minnesota -7.5
ARIZONA

Carolina -5
N.Y. GIANTS

Denver
GREEN BAY -6.5

Oakland
SAN DIEGO -4

12/28 8:30 PM ET

Pittsburgh
BALTIMORE -7.5

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 16 RESULTS

Piker's three-week streak of going 10-6 was snapped last week with a ho-hum bah humbug 8-8 mark. Starting last Saturday, Piker struggled to keep his head above water, as Minnesota blindsided Kansas City and friggin' New England stymied Chad Pennington drive after drive. New England impresses Piker to no end. They are the type of team Piker wishes his fickle Phins could be. They're tough at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball, they force turnovers and don't make many mistakes themselves, they play smart, they play with heart, and they find ways to win. The Pats did the same things two years ago that they've done this year, and two years ago they won the Super Bowl. Piker doesn't think there's any question they can do it again, but the AFC is packed this season. Despite getting blown out by Minnesota last week and flailing a bit in December, KC is a damn good football team that could take the conference. Ditto for Indianapolis, which was dominated Sunday night by Denver. The Broncos are dangerous right now. They're playing their best football of the year when it matters most. If Clinton Portis can get healthy for the playoffs, that team could take the conference as well. But Piker's Pick is the Tennessee Titans. Picked 'em at the beginning of the year, sticking with 'em now. Air McNair is the McMan and Jeff Fischer has really earned my respect over the years. That being said, Piker half-expects the Pats to continue to beat the odds by beating everyone else.

Parity also exists in the NFC title chase, but on paper it seems much clearer. St. Louis and Philly are the class of the conference and Piker anticipates them matching up for the right to play for the Silver Ball. Carolina has already overachieved and doesn't seem like they have quite enough to win on the road in a second-round playoff game. Ditto for Dallas. And whichever two out of Minnesota, Green Bay, or Seattle make it in, Piker doesn't think they'll last long. Although, Brett Favre proved once again Monday night that the man is magic. He is what sports heroes are all about.

So, all in all, we could be looking at a repeat matchup of one of the best Super Bowls ever -- The Rams and The Titans. Maybe the Titans can get that extra yard and actually win this time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Piker knows, this is all moot because Teddy Bruschi and Willie McGinest and Tom Brady and Bill Belichek won't let the Patriots lose to anybody.

WON: Atlanta, Miami, Baltimore, Washington, St. Louis, Pittsburgh, Seattle, Green Bay

LOST: Kansas City, N.Y. Jets, Carolina, Jacksonville, N.Y. Giants, Tennessee, Philadelphia, Indianapolis

The season total for Piker Picks is now 116-100-8. With 16 games left in the season, Piker is now assured of at least a .500 finish and .500 would mean losing every single game this week. Another 10-6 week would mean Piker would finish 20 games over .500 and that would please Piker almost as much as the Ricky Williams jersey Piker received for Christmas.

Oh, and by the way, the Dolphins suck for not making the playoffs again. With all that talent, there's just no excuse. This prompts Piker to repeat his Miami mantra: Wannestadt Must Walk, Ricky Must Run.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 16

12/20 1:30 PM ET

Atlanta
TAMPA BAY -8.5

12/20 5:00 PM ET

Kansas City -3
MINNESOTA

12/20 8:30 PM ET

New England -3
N.Y. JETS

12/21 1:00 PM ET

Miami
BUFFALO -2

Baltimore -3
CLEVELAND

Washington
CHICAGO -4.5

Cincinnati
ST. LOUIS -7

Detroit
CAROLINA -9

New Orleans
JACKSONVILLE -2

N.Y. Giants
DALLAS -10.5

Tennessee -6
HOUSTON

12/21 4:05 PM ET

San Diego
PITTSBURGH -6

San Francisco
PHILADELPHIA -7.5

Arizona
SEATTLE -14

12/21 8:30 PM ET

Denver
INDIANAPOLIS -5

12/22 9:00 PM ET

Green Bay -4.5
OAKLAND

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 15 RESULTS

For the third straight week, Piker prognosticated on his own, and for the third straight week Piker achieved a 10-6 record. Consistent, if unspectacular. The season mark currently stands at 108-92-8. After sitting out Week 1 with a variety of disorganization and psychosomatic injuries, Piker is shooting for a 130-win season, while attempting to keep losses under 100. Those are pretty lofty goals and in all likelihood Piker will probably fall short. Just like Piker's beloved (and behated) Miami Dolphins. The December descent has struck the warm-weather Dolphins once again and it is now highly doubtful they'll be receiving an invitation to the NFL's Playoff Party. In all honesty, they don't deserve it. Underachievers need scapegoats. Count Piker among the humidity-laden fair-weather fans of South Florida in calling for the extra large head of one Dave Wannstedt. And as much as Piker enjoys the fact that his favorite football team is quarterbacked by a Long Island Jew who attended the same high school as Piker's mother, Piker knows in his pigskin heart that the Dolphins will never contend for a Super Bowl title with Jay Fiedler at the helm. While we're playing the blame game... Norv Turner has done an awful job calling plays this season, failing to take advantage of his best offensive player. Why he's not buying into Run, Ricky, Run and insisting on finding creative ways to get Ricky the ball in the open field is a baffling mystery to me. In addition, the 'Phins desperately need to upgrade an undersized and undertalented offensive line and acquire a defensive philosophy that utilizes their team speed and great athletes to cause problems for opposing offenses. With all of these lingering issues, the Dolphins just aren't good enough to beat the better teams in the league. Piker is sick and tired of getting fooled into thinking otherwise by their early season performances year in and year out. Wannstedt Must Walk and Ricky Must Run.

"I AM A GOLDEN GOD"

The 2003 Golden Globe Nominations are out. As the loyalist of loyal Piker enthusiasts know, Piker loves to handicap the Oscars. I'm not sure why this is a favorite pastime, but it is. So, in that spirit, before I make my preliminary predictions, you can check out the full list of nominees and catch up on David Poland's Oscar Rankings.

PIKER'S EARLY OSCAR PREDICTIONS

BEST PICTURE

1. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
2. Cold Mountain
3. Mystic River
4. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
5. In America

Snub: Lost in Translation

BEST DIRECTOR

1. Peter Jackson - LOTR: Return of the King
2. Anthony Minghella - Cold Mountain
3. Clint Eastwood - Mystic River
4. Jim Sheridan - In America
5. Peter Weir - Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

Snub: Sofia Coppola - Lost in Translation

BEST ACTOR

1. Sean Penn - Mystic River
2. Ben Kingsley - House of Sand and Fog
3. Jude Law - Cold Mountain
4. Russell Crowe - Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
5. Bill Murray - Lost in Translation

Snubs: Tom Cruise - The Last Samurai, Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean

BEST ACTRESS

1. Charlize Theron - Monster
2. Nicole Kidman - Cold Mountain
3. Naomi Watts - 21 Grams
4. Samantha Morton - In America
5. Gwyneth Paltrow - Sylvia

Snubs: Jennifer Connelly - House of Sand and Fog, Diane Keaton - Something's Gotta Give

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

1. Benecio Del Toro - 21 Grams
2. Ken Watanabe - The Last Samurai
3. Tim Robbins - Mystic River
4. Albert Finney - Big Fish
5. Alec Baldwin - The Cooler

Snubs: Sean Astin, Sir Ian McKellan - LOTR: Return of the King, Djimon Honsou - In America

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

1. Scarlet Johansson - Lost in Translation
2. Renee Zellweger - Cold Mountain
3. Marcia Gay Harden - Mystic River
4. Holly Hunter - Thirteen
5. Shohreh Aghdashloo - House of Sand and Fog

Snub: Hope Davis - American Splendor

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

1. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
2. Cold Mountain
3. Mystic River
4. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
5. Big Fish

Snubs: American Splendor, House of Sand and Fog

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

1. Lost in Translation
2. In America
3. 21 Grams
4. Love Actually
5. Dirty Pretty Things

Snub: The Last Samurai


All right, that's about all the juice I've got right now. It's late (at least on East Coast time it is) and I've got a big giant day tomorrow. Real quick -- I think Lord of the Rings: Return of the King will win Best Picture and Peter Jackson will win Best Director, I'll go with Poland's Picks of Sean Penn for Best Actor and Charlize Theron for Best Actress, Albert Finney for Best Supporting Actor and Scarlett Johansson for Best Supporting Actress, Lord of the Rings for Best Adapted and Lost in Translation for Best Original Screenplay. This year will feature three Belles of the Ball: Charlize Theron, Scarlett Johansson, and Sofia Coppola, but only one King: Peter Jackson.

I think it's possible I might be starting to get a wee bit amped.

IN THROUGH THE OUT DOOR

Right now, I'm not sure if I'm coming or going. The long and short of it:

Spent a whirlwind weekend in San Francisco, flew back to Los Angeles on Sunday night to have people over for the Survivor Finale, started work on Will & Grace on Monday and Tuesday, then flew to Durham, North Carolina on Wednesday for the holidays.

SAN FRANCISCO

Flew out of Burbank on Southwest, which I must say was an all-around hassle-free trip. Rented a car and drove into the city to eat some phenomenal Chinese food at Brandy Ho's. Checked into the Fairmont Hotel, courtesy of Salon, who was flying My Girl up so she can attend the their Holiday Party. So, attend we did. The affair was held at a swank apartment in Alta Plaza, next to Pacific Heights. Great view of the bay and the Golden Gate Bridge, beautful and tasteful Asian art all over the apartment, a few decent trays of hors d'oeuvres, and some truly interesting and fun people. The party was winding down kind of early, way before the people were actually winding down, so My Girl and I held an impromptu after-party in our hotel room at the Fairmont. And we partied like Internet rock stars. One would have thought it was the halcyon days of 1999, what with all the gusto and fervor with which we threw down. David Talbot, the CEO and an honorable gentleman and scholar to boot, insisted we stay at the Fairmont for the entire weekend, but My Girl would have nothing of it. Instead, we checked out and drove to Our Fantastic Friend's fantastic apartment in an industrial building off Divisidero. Needless to say, Our Fantastic Friend is a fantastic guy with fantastic friends who always treats us with the utmost hospitailty. I mean, the guy gives up his bed for us when we come to town... A real mensch, which incidentally was a recent answer in the Sunday NY Times crossword puzzle. And so Our Fantastic Friend introduced us to his Fantastic Friends and took us to an art opening, a hip-hop party in Oakland, a party at an old school bar that triple-booked parties that night (including a Santa Party and a Hat Party), and a late-night party in Bernall Heights (which didn't end until we took a cab back to Our Fantastic Friend's fantastic apartment at 5:30 in the morning). We slept a couple of hours and then caught an 11:30 am flight back to Burbank.

Backtracking slightly -- We also managed to have dinner with another couple whose wedding we attended last year in Marin County. Their first baby is due to arrive any minute. And we spent some quality time with one of my good friends from LA who relocated to Pacific Heights and is now married to a helluva guy, who I met for the first time, and has the most gorgeous and special eight and half-month old baby girl named India. They're teaching her sign language and trying at all costs to avoid ever having to say the word "no" to her. I love that.

SURVIVOR

I'm so glad Johnny Fuckhead nee Fair Play didn't win. I hate that guy. I know he wanted me to hate him, but that only adds to the overall amount that I hate him. I'm glad Sandra won. Out of all the yahoos left, Sanda was by far the most likable. Besides aligning with Rupert, Sandra didn't seem to play the game all that well, but judging by recent winners, you really don't have to. In fact, if you win too many challenges, you get voted out in the middle somewhere, and if you scheme too much, you make it to the final three before getting voted out. I have to admit I'm kind of psyched for the all-star edition.

WILL & GRACE

I finally got a job on a hit show. It's like a foreign world to me. Things run so smoothly. The writers are efficient and, with the exception of show night, don't work past 7:30. The actors are talented and hit their lines and have fun doing it. The stories work, the scenes work, and the jokes work. The director is great, the crew is great, and the show has money to spend and is generous with it. I had the misfortune of starting work when the holiday gift-giving was full on and everyone was getting piles of presents except me. Not that I thought I deserved gifts after working on the show for a couple of hours, but it's weird when everyone is cashing in and you're left out in the cold. However, I did get to enjoy one gift. Megan treated the people on the show to a taco truck on Tuesday and hired a mariachi band to play during lunch. I had the surreal feeling that this is the kind of stuff I had been missing all these years working on first-year sitcoms that never got out of the gate. Looks like I'll be having myself some fun on this show, and I won't have to give up my social life to do so.

DURHAM

Well, we're home for the holidays. My Girl's Home, actually. We flew in Wednesday night, getting picked up by Super Shuttle at our house in Eagle Rock at 9:30 am PST and arriving at Raleigh/Durham at 10:30 EST. Long, long day. But, I really like My Girl's Family a lot and they're extremely welcoming to me, so there isn't any weirdness. In fact, Babs (My Mom) and Norms (My Gram) are flying up tomorrow to spend the weekend here and meet My Girl's Fam. All parties involved are very easy to get along with, so I'm sure everything will go swimmingly. This holiday break, besides hanging out with My Girl and our families, I plan to do an immense amount of reading, movie viewing, and PlayStation 2 playing. Maybe I'll squeeze in a little shopping and perhaps, if the gods smile on me, some writing while I'm at.

In case this is my last post of the year, (I'm not saying it will be, but just in case), I want to thank the six of you for your loyal readership and wish all of you pikers a Happy Hannukah, a Merry Christmas, and a Damn Good New Year.

Peace. We out.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 15

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

12/14 1:00 PM ET

Minnesota -1.5
CHICAGO

San Francisco
CINCINNATI -2.5

Atlanta
INDIANAPOLIS -7.5

Detroit
KANSAS CITY -14

Jacksonville
NEW ENGLAND -7

Pittsburgh
N.Y. JETS -3

Seattle
ST. LOUIS -7

Houston
TAMPA BAY -6.5

Buffalo
TENNESSEE -6.5

12/14 4:05 ET

Cleveland
DENVER -10.5

Baltimore
OAKLAND -6.5

Dallas
WASHINGTON Pick 'em

Carolina -6.5
ARIZONA

Green Bay -5
SAN DIEGO

12/14 8:30 PM ET

N.Y. Giants
NEW ORLEANS -7

12/15 9:00 PM ET

Philadelphia
MIAMI -1.5

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 14 RESULTS

Late at night. Flying out in the morning. Piker not have much time to type.

Piker not happy about Dolphin game. Piker not feel good about Jay Fiedler right now. Piker not pleased with offensive line.

PIker not shocked by anything in Week 14. Piker kind of surprised about Denver over K.C. and Indy over Tennessee.

Piker go 10-6 in Week 14. Piker overall record for the year now 98-86-8.

WON: Baltimore, San Diego, Green Bay, Washington, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, New England, Atlanta, St. Louis

LOST: Houston, Seattle, New Orleans, Tennessee, N.Y. Jets, Kansas City

PIKER POWER RANKINGS

After Week 14

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (2)

2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3)

3. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

4. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (5)

5. TENNESSEE TITANS (4)

6. ST. LOUIS RAMS (6)

7. CAROLINA PANTHERS (7)

8. DENVER BRONCOS (13)

9. MIAMI DOLPHINS (8)

10. BALTIMORE RAVENS (11)

11. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (14)

12. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9)

13. DALLAS COWBOYS (10)

14. CINCINNATI BENGALS (12)

15. GREEN BAY PACKERS (15)

16. TAMPA BAY BUCS (18)

17. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (19)

18. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (16)

19. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (21)

20. BUFFALO BILLS (23)

21. NEW YORK JETS (17)

22. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (24)

23. CHICAGO BEARS (22)

24. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (28)

25. HOUSTON TEXANS (20)

26. ATLANTA FALCONS (31)

27. NEW YORK GIANTS (27)

28. CLEVELAND BROWNS (26)

29. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (32)

30. DETROIT LIONS (25)

31. OAKLAND RAIDERS (29)

32. ARIZONA CARDINALS (30)

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 14

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

12/7 1:00 PM ET

(7-5) Cincinnati
(7-5) BALTIMORE -3.5

(2-10) San Diego
(4-8) DETROIT -3

(5-7) Chicago
(6-6) GREEN BAY -7

(5-7) Houston
(3-9) JACKSONVILLE -6

(8-4) Seattle
(7-5) MINNESOTA -1.5

(5-7) Tampa Bay
(6-6) NEW ORLEANS -2

(4-8) Washington
(4-8) N.Y. GIANTS -3

(8-4) Dallas
(9-3) PHILADELPHIA -5.5

(3-9) Oakland
(4-8) PITTSBURGH -5.5

(9-3) Indianapolis
(9-3) TENNESSEE -3.5

12/7 4:15 PM ET

(3-9) Arizona
(5-7) SAN FRANCISCO -10

(5-7) N.Y. Jets
(5-7) BUFFALO -3

(11-1) Kansas City
(7-5) DENVER -2.5

(8-4) Miami
(10-2) NEW ENGLAND -3

12/7 8:30 PM ET

(8-4) Carolina -1
(2-10) ATLANTA

12/8 9:00 PM ET

(9-3) St. Louis -4.5
(4-8) CLEVELAND

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 13 RESULTS

The dust cleared and started to settle in Week 13 of the NFL season. Team records now serve as a solid indicator of how good these teams actually are and how good they can be. Not too many surprises this past weekend. Jacksonville beating Tampa Bay on Sunday night was an upset, but it was one that you felt coming. Tampa is lost and so is their season. Byron Leftwich is a stud and will be an NFL star for a long time. The Jets upsetting the Titans on Monday night was another mild surprise, considering the Titans were bound to lose a game somewhere along the line and the Jets have gotten a lot better since Chad Pennington returned from injury. Other than that, you had the Thanksgiving Day games -- the Lions are always unpredictable and scary on T-Giving and the Packers should have been better prepared, and the Dolphins played their best game of the season in exposing the Cowboys as a team that probably won't get very far in the playoffs, should they make it.

The 'Phins victory was the giddiest romp the Dol-Phans have had to cheer about in quite some time and marks the easiest win they've had all year. Now it's December and everyone's just waiting for the football men from South Florida to freeze up and choke again. The D has to hold fast, Fiedler's gotta stay hot, and Ricky's gotta keep running. Oh, and I told you Chris Chambers was a breakout wideout waiting to happen.

Steve Spurrier is in trouble. After losing to the Saints at home, the Redskins fell to 4-8 and sealed a .500 or worse season. Either the team isn't buying into the former Florida Gator coach's methods, or Spurrier's personality is just not suitable to impose on an NFL franchise. Despite the fact that I hate the Redskins, I still can't help rooting for the old ball coach.

All of a sudden the Ravens have an offense. Alexander Wright is playing pretty well and that team is catching fire at the right time. Meanwhile, the Eagles have been streaking along and came up with a big win at Carolina. If they beat Dallas this weekend, which they should, Philly will be considered the favorite coming out of the NFC. But then there are the Rams -- They're back...

WON: Detroit, Miami, Baltimore, Chicago, Houston, New England, Cincinnati, St. Louis, Seattle, N.Y. Jets

LOST: Carolina, N.Y. Giants, Washington, Oakland, Kansas City, Tampa Bay

Piker picked on his own last week and pulled out the best numbers in recent weeks. 10-6 for the week and should have been 11-5, if not for that meaningless very last second of the game touchdown fucking Flutie threw to cover the spread against the Chiefs. Fucking Flutie...

After the 10-6 Week 13, the season total is all crazy eights: 88-80-8.

PIKER POWER RANKINGS

After Week 13

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (3)

3. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (4)

4. TENNESSEE TITANS (2)

5. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (6)

6. ST. LOUIS RAMS (8)

7. CAROLINA PANTHERS (5)

8. MIAMI DOLPHINS (10)

9. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9)

10. DALLAS COWBOYS (7)

11. BALTIMORE RAVENS (12)

12. CINCINNATI BENGALS (14)

13. DENVER BRONCOS (15)

14. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (13)

15. GREEN BAY PACKERS (11)

16. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (18)

17. NEW YORK JETS (20)

18. TAMPA BAY BUCS (16)

19. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (17)

20. HOUSTON TEXANS (21)

21. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (19)

22. CHICAGO BEARS (23)

23. BUFFALO BILLS (26)

24. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (22)

25. DETROIT LIONS (29)

26. CLEVELAND BROWNS (24)

27. NEW YORK GIANTS (25)

28. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (30)

29. OAKLAND RAIDERS (28)

30. ARIZONA CARDINALS (27)

31. ATLANTA FALCONS (31)

32. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (32)

HANDI-PIKER

It's been said that's it is easier to balance the California state budget than it is tame a wild piker. Well, while Governor Ahhnold and his peops are still working on solving the budget crisis in between sets of bench presses and squats, this Piker is in the process of becoming domesticated. This past weekend, Piker and My Girl took a trip down to the local Lowe's and bought a lawn mower. Piker proceeded to put the machine together and mow his first lawn. That's right, Piker had never mowed the lawn before. To be fair, Piker never once saw his Dad mow a lawn either and therefore was never taught how to mow a lawn. And then, in college, while pledging a predominantly Jewish fraternity, Piker sat back with the rest of his pledge class and watched as the ultra-hardworking non-Jew mowed the front lawn of the fraternity house with a full-length cast on his broken leg. But things have changed now. Piker is now in the market for a quality edging-device so the lawn can be done right.

As if that wasn't enough to accomplish in a weekend, Piker sacrificed the first three and half quarters of the Sunday football games -- despite the still-relatively-new access to DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket -- to do some yardwork. And Piker isn't talking about digging up some little holes to plant some pretty flowers or anything. Piker is talking about wielding a sledgehammer to demolish an unwanted concrete pathway running below the porch and to break up a circular brick-walled planter. Piker even borrowed a pry bar from the neighbor and used it to help remove the sidewalk-like pathway. Piker sheared some geraniums and dug up the roots to clear out space for new beautiful things to be planted in its place. Oh, that's right, Piker did some shit this weekend.

Now, Piker is not sure about his, but the whole weekend could have been a reaction to spending the previous week with My Girl, My Girl's Brother, and My Girl's Mom (who was in from out of town and staying with us for the week). That family's extreme work ethic shone a giant spotlight on Piker's slug-like nature. Those one or two readers who do not know Piker personally must be told that Piker essentially has an allergy to work. There are times when Piker swallows a pill akin to Claritin and suffers through a freelance job here and there, but if all work and no play make Johnny a dull boy, let's just say Piker is anything but dull. So, Piker pitched in a bit as My Girl and My Girl's Mom painted the living room, dining room, and kitchen last week while My Girl's Brother took the heavy oak front door off its hinges, stripped all the paint off, filled in some of the wood, sanded it, and prepared it to be varnished. Oh, and My Girl's Brother also used spackle and wood filler to repair the crumbling archway separating our living room and dining room, then painted it. And then he came back yesterday to help us out by removing some bushes, assessing our sprinkler situation, and starting work on installing cable boxes in the wall to hide the wires running all over the house. My Girl's Brother is obviously a nice guy who is very unselfish and enjoys working on houses and stuff. He also happens to own the greatest mutt I've ever met named Tool. Tool is a highly alert animal who listens when you talk to him, has an impressive vocabulary, and obeys his master. Also, Tool prefers the company of humans to other dogs, loves to rip and shred empty cardboard boxes, sleeps under the covers, and has a slightly better work ethic than Piker. In order to avoid any misunderstanding, Piker must clarify a few things. For one, Piker is very appreciative of the generosity, hard work, and pleasant demeanor found in My Girl's Family, greatly admires their collective work ethic, and likes spending time with them. Secondly, Piker actually enjoyed accomplishing so much this weekend. Breaking up a sidewalk and brick wall with a sledgehammer, while tiring, is a lot of fun. And mowing the grass, like watching the Dolphins rout the Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day, gave Piker a tremendous feeling of satisfaction and pride.

As I type, hardwood floors are being installed in our living room and dining room, and much more work remains on the house. Piker is determined to continue to defy his suburban Jewish aversion to doing work usually reserved for goyim. Work still remains Piker's least favorite word in the English language (trabajo is Piker's least favorite word in Spanish), however, slowly but surely Piker is learning that a healthy sweat from hard work only serves to enhance the relaxation of watching football, chilling to tunes on the iPod, and playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on the PlayStation. It's not so much that Piker is changing his nature, so much as it is Piker maturing a bit and becoming a real adult.

PIKER'S POLITICAL POWER RANKINGS

Democratic Candidates for President

1. Howard Dean

2. General Wesley K. Clark

3. Representative Dick Gephardt

4. Senator John Kerry

5. Senator John Edwards

6. Reverend Al Sharpton

7. Carol Moseley Braun

8. Senator Joe Lieberman

9. Representative Dennis Kucinich


PIKER'S PERSONAL FAVORITES

1. General Wesley K. Clark

2. Howard Dean

3. Senator John Edwards

4. Reverend Al Sharpton

5. Carol Moseley Braun

6. Senator Joe Lieberman

7. Representative Dennis Kucinich

8. Representative Dick Gephardt

9. Senator John Kerry

POLITICAL PIKER

Citing deep-seated skepticism and a general distrust for government after watching the news a few times and seeing the movie "JFK," Piker has never kept too close an eye on politics, much preferring any type of sports arena to the political arena. However, Piker has been reading Salon and Slate of late, partially due to a vested interest in the former, but mainly because of a newfound genuine curiosity for politics. It started with the recall election circus and has now segued neatly into the Battle for the White House. Granted, Piker is still a newbie when it comes to this stuff, armed with only a superficial knowledge of the issues and the history of the participants. But, Piker is in the game now and it'll just be a matter of time before the gaps are filled in. As a matter of fact, Piker watched the Democratic Candidates for President debate in Iowa on Monday. Enjoyed it too. The Reverend Al Sharpton was clearly the most entertaining of the group, without coming off like a radical lunatic. I'm not sure the same can be said for Representative Dennis Kucinich though. The debate was lively and spirited and almost all of the candidates had good showings, except Senator Joe Lieberman, who wasn't invited to the debate. Senator John Kerry and Representative Dick Gephardt acted as a tag team in going after frontrunner Howard Dean, but Dean held his own and probably garnered some sympathy from the two-pronged attack. Senator John Edwards was upbeat and positive and left a favorable impression, as did Carol Moseley Braun. But, my favorite candidate remains General Wesley K. Clark. The man makes me feel safe. I want him on that wall. I need him on that wall.

In case you missed it, a full transcript of the debate can be found here. For some insightful and incisive commentary and criticism, visit Slate's henchmen Saletan and Kaus.

Below, you will find the first installment of a brand new segment that Piker hopes to continue right up until the Democratic National Convention. Please be advised that Piker is a piker and doesn't know that much about any of this stuff, but Piker has good instincts and boasts of recognizing the star quality of one Bill Clinton at around this same point in the process back in the day. Take it for what it's worth.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 13

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

11/27 12:30 PM ET

Green Bay -6.5
DETROIT

11/27 4:05 PM ET

Miami
DALLAS -3

11/30 1:00 PM ET

San Francisco
BALTIMORE -3

Philadelphia
CAROLINA -1.5

Arizona
CHICAGO -4.5

Atlanta
HOUSTON -3

New England
INDIANAPOLIS -4

Buffalo
N.Y. GIANTS -3.5

Cincinnati
PITTSBURGH -3

Minnesota
ST. LOUIS -6

11/30 4:05 PM ET

New Orleans
WASHINGTON -1.5

Denver -3
OAKLAND

Kansas City -7
SAN DIEGO

Cleveland
SEATTLE -5.5

11/30 8:30 PM ET

Tampa Bay -3.5
JACKSONVILLE

12/1 9:00 PM ET

Tennessee -1
N.Y. JETS

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 12 RESULTS

Well, the Dolphins have my attention again. Not that I stopped following at any point during the season -- they just started to bore me. Brian Griese looked like the savior in his first start as a Dolphin against the Chargers a few weeks ago. Of course, the Chargers can do that to just about anyone. But, since that wildfire game that was played in Tempe instead of San Diego, Griese has proven that he lacks eyes in the back of his head or any kind of instinct for what's going on around him in the pocket. Also, the guy's not the great leader his father was plus he tends to throw a lot of interceptions. For those reasons and others, Jay Fiedler is the guy in Miami. The irony is, the Dolphins probably can't win a Super Bowl with him, but then again, they can't win without him. The Long Island Jew with Dumbo ears came in off the bench and ignited the Dolphin offense, rediscovering stud wideout Chris Chambers, which took some pressure off the not-so-good-at-run-blocking offensive line and allowed Ricky to run, Ricky, run. You know, it seems like the pieces are there for the Dolphins to put some points on the board. Ricky is a phenomenal back, Chambers has the potential to be a superstar receiver, and Randy McMichael is already an outstanding tight end. Yet the Dolphins rarely seem to control the line of scrimmage or make big plays when they need to against good teams. They did on Sunday night against the Redskins and the bastards gave me some hope that they can actually make the playoffs and maybe even win a round before bowing out to the better teams in the AFC.

The AFC playoff picture is, in fact, quite clear at the moment. KC will win the West, New England will win the East, one of Indy or Tennessee will win the South and the other is guaranteed one of the two Wild Card spots, and Baltimore and Cincy will battle it out for the North. The Dolphins should be the other Wild Card. Of course, they are the Dolphins and could still find a way to hand their playoff spot to the Ravens/Bengals loser or the undeserving Broncos. How could the Broncos lose to the Bears in Denver late in the season? Atrocious. Shameful.

The NFC playoff picture is slightly muddier, but not too messy. Carolina will win the South. Minnesota and Green Bay will fight to the finish in the North, with the winner moving on and the loser going home for the holidays. St. Louis looks to have the inside track to take the West, with Seattle earning a Wild Card. And Dallas or Philly will win the East while the other one takes the second Wild Card.

The AFC doesn't even have any longshots at this point. Faint hope remains in the NFC for the defending champion Buccaneers, the Niners, and the Saints. But the odds are slim and none, and slim is heading for the locker room with a high ankle sprain.

As for the Week 12 Picks, Piker has to take his hat off to the oddsmakers. Mid to late season NFL games are out of control and seemingly unpredictable, and yet these Vegas guys are setting spreads with pinpoint accuracy. 7 games this week had final scores within one point of the spread. 7 games! Piker went 3-3-1 in those games. Baltimore covered by a half point, Indy and Buffalo pushed, Carolina was a point short, Minnesota was a half point short after giving up a meaningless touchdown at the end, the Jets were a point short, and both Tennessee and Tampa Bay covered by a half point each. Only four games finished over a touchdown off the spread, and you can really tell the upsets by these numbers -- Cleveland failed to cover by ten points and Denver failed to cover by nineteen and a half points, while Philly covered by an extra seven and a half points and Kansas City failed to cover by eight points. I know this isn't news, but the oddsmakers' proficiency is what makes it so difficult to pick these games. I'm in awe.

WON: Baltimore, Green Bay, Houston, Philadelphia, Arizona, Tennessee, Tampa Bay

LOST: Cleveland, Carolina, Minnesota, N.Y. Jets, Denver, Kansas City, San Diego, Miami

PUSHED: Indianapolis

So, Piker's weekly record was yet again sub-par and sub-.500 at 7-8-1. The season total sits precariously at 78-74-8. If the downward trend continues, Piker may soon have to start dipping into the grocery budget to continue the season-long experiment. But, hey, that's what Pikers do.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 12

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. TENNESSEE TITANS (2)

3. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (4)

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (5)

5. CAROLINA PANTHERS (3)

6. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (6)

7. DALLAS COWBOYS (10)

8. ST. LOUIS RAMS (7)

9. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (8)

10. MIAMI DOLPHINS (11)

11. GREEN BAY PACKERS (12)

12. BALTIMORE RAVENS (13)

13. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (14)

14. CINCINNATI BENGALS (16)

15. DENVER BRONCOS (9)

16. TAMPA BAY BUCS (18)

17. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (15)

18. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (17)

19. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (19)

20. NEW YORK JETS (23)

21. HOUSTON TEXANS (21)

22. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (24)

23. CHICAGO BEARS (26)

24. CLEVELAND BROWNS (20)

25. NEW YORK GIANTS (22)

26. BUFFALO BILLS (25)

27. ARIZONA CARDINALS (28)

28. OAKLAND RAIDERS (32)

29. DETROIT LIONS (29)

30. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (27)

31. ATLANTA FALCONS (30)

32. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (31)