HI, MY NAME IS PIKER, AND I AM AN ADDICT

My addiction to reality television has reached its peak. On Monday, I watched "Joe Millionaire", despite my constant complaints to anyone who will listen that the show is truly awful in every way. I tuned in because I thought the damn thing was going to come to a climax and we, the audience, would find out which lame girl the lame dude would choose. I also suspected that there would be a twist on a twist, whereby something else would be revealed to top the disclosure that Joe Millionaire is really Joe Liar, a lowly construction worker (moonlighting as an underwear model). Would Evan select Sarah the former fetish film actress? Or would he pick the neurotic, self-conscious Zora, who seems to have psychically known all along that he was keeping a secret? Well, as it turned out, all that was revealed was just how bad television could be, as the entire hour was devoted to a crappy recap of the previous episodes and a cliffhanger ending. After it was over, I wanted to hang myself over a cliff. I was so upset that I watched it. It ruined my night. Yet, I will still watch it next week for the same reasons that I wanted to watch it this week. But I don't know why. I don't like it. I don't get any pleasure out of it. I hate everyone on the show except the butler. It must be the addiction.

I vowed not to watch "American Idol" beyond the first few audition episodes. I loved laughing at the bad singers and didn't really want to jump on the train when it got rolling toward the top ten. But, I got hooked. It became apparent that this time around would be different, featuring a bunch of people who don't look like the American Idol but can sure sing. So I watched it last night and was proven right. The two best performances were turned in by Ruben, an offensive lineman-sized black man with a sweet voice and a gentle spirit, and Kimberly, an overweight black girl with tons of talent. The rest of the show sucked. The good-looking people couldn't sing, couldn't move, and failed to infuse their performances with the slightest bit of soul. One other such contestant who fit the mold, Frenchie, who was set to appear in one of the next two episodes, will not get her chance to strut her stuff. American Idol kicked Frenchie off the show today. Apparently, she posed nude for a Internet porn site a few years back in order to get the money to pay her tuition at Howard University. Frenchie is an amazing singer and word has it that Simon's production company is going to help her career along. But with all of these skeletons in the closet keeping the folks at The Smoking Gun busy, one has to ask, is anyone at these reality shows doing background checks? The very real possibility exists that they are doing the checks and choosing to use the controversy to boost ratings.

I expect the cultural nadir to be reached tomorrow night with the premiere of "Are You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People".

Thank the TV lord for 24.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

OSCAR ODDS

My secret underworld connection just emailed me the early odds for the Oscar races. I cannot divulge my source or my connection's source, but for the sake of pure fun, let's assume both are credible. Please be advised: This site will not be accepting wagers on the event. These odds are for entertainment purposes only.

BEST PICTURE
Chicago............................................................ -250
The Hours......................................................... +250
Gangs of New York......................................... +450
LOTR: The Two Towers.................................. +800
The Pianist........................................................+1400

BEST DIRECTOR 
Martin Scorsese.............................................. -143
Rob Marshall.................................................... +200
Stephen Daldry................................................ +350
Roman Polanski.............................................. +600
Pedro Almodóvar............................................ +1000

BEST ACTOR
Daniel Day-Lewis............................................ -143
Jack Nicholson................................................ +110
Adrien Brody................................................... +500
Nicolas Cage.................................................. +1000
Michael Caine................................................ +1400

BEST ACTRESS
Nicole Kidman................................................ +100
Julianne Moore............................................... +130
Renée Zellweger............................................ +400
Diane Lane..................................................... +550
Salma Hayek.................................................. +1300

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper.................................................. -200
Ed Harris........................................................ +350
Paul Newman................................................ +400
Christopher Walken...................................... +600
John C. Reilly................................................. +1000

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS  
Meryl Streep.................................................. -125
Catherine Zeta-Jones.................................. +110
Julianne Moore............................................. +500
Kathy Bates.................................................. +700
Queen Latifah............................................... +1600

DON'T THANK THE ACADEMY QUITE YET

The Academy Award nominations are out and my predictions weren't too far off. It seemed like I went four out of five in most categories, but no worse than three out of five. "Gangs of New York" bumped out both "About Schmidt" and "Adaptation", both of which are superior movies. Peter Jackson not being nominated for directing "The Two Towers" is wrong. I didn't see "Talk To Her", but I can't help but feel that the slot belonged to Jackson. A trio of acting nominations for "Adaptation", but, as I predicted, no love for director Spike Jonze. Apparently, the Academy loved everything about "Chicago"... except Richard Gere. Happy to see Nic Cage get the nod. Very surprised that Meryl Streep didn't get in for "The Hours". She was fantastic in the film, as she is in everything. I didn't see Frida, so I can't really comment on Salma taking her spot. But Streep did earn a nomination in the supporting category for "Adaptation" and that gave her a record 13 nominations, pushing her past Katherine Hepburn's 12 noms. Even though I put him in with my heart, I knew in my head that Ray Liotta wouldn't make it, but it stings a bit that John C. Reilly took the spot for "Chicago". Nothing against John C., who's a terrific actor, but I was not a big fan of the "Chicago" and did not think his performance merited a place in the top five. Liotta was robbed. Best Supporting Actress was the one category that I nailed, but it's somewhat tainted by the fact that "Chicago" placed two actresses in the category. The movie is simply overrated. "About Schmidt" and "The Two Towers" both should have been nominated for adapted screenplay. "About a Boy" was a pretty entertaining movie, but doesn't deserve to be honored over "Schmidt" or "Towers". And finally, poor Antwone Fisher, both the man and the movie. No screenplay nom, no nominations at all for the film. But, I loved "Y Tu Mama Tambien" and was pleasantly surprised to see it recognized for Best Original Screenplay.

Apparently, Harvey Weinstein has his name on four of the five Best Picture nominees. David Poland's a little peeved that Harvey held so much sway over the Academy.

No one nomination surprised me all that much. Besides the over-nominated, over-hyped "Chicago" and some sentimental noms for "Gangs of New York", it's a pretty deserving list that's representative of an excellent year in cinema.

OSCAR THE GROUCH

Oscar nominations will be announced tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning for us West Coasters. As big a geek as I am about this stuff, I will not be waking up to hear them read live. I will try to get my eight hours in and then check them when I awake. As is tradition, this being the eve of the Academy Award announcements and all, the nominations for The Golden Rasberry Awards were announced today. There was a lot of crap to choose from, and I don't necessarily agree with some of this year's worst picture selections (I really liked Sweatpants Britney and the action scenes from Episode II), but here are the 2003 Razzies:

WORST PICTURE
The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Crossroads
Pinocchio
Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Swept Away

=================================

On to the good stuff. Prediction time.

BEST PICTURE
The Hours
Chicago
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Pianist
About Schmidt

The Victim: Adaptation

BEST DIRECTOR
Martin Scorsese (Gangs of New York)
Stephen Daldry (The Hours)
Roman Polanski (The Pianist)
Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)
Rob Marshall (Chicago)

The Victim: Spike Jonze (Adaptation)

BEST ACTOR
Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt)
Daniel Day-Lewis (Gangs of New York)
Michael Caine (The Quiet American)
Adrien Brody (The Pianist)
Richard Gere (Chicago)

The Victim: Nicolas Cage (Adaptation)

THE BEST ACTRESS
Nicole Kidman (The Hours)
Julianne Moore (Far From Heaven)
Meryl Streep (The Hours)
Renee Zellweger (Chicago)
Diane Lane (Unfaithful)

The Victim: Salma Hayek (Frida)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper (Adaptation)
Ed Harris (The Hours)
Paul Newman (Road to Perdition)
Christopher Walken (Catch Me If You Can)
Ray Liotta (Narc)

The Victims: Alfred Molina (Frida), Dennis Quaid (Far From Heaven)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kathy Bates (About Schmidt)
Meryl Streep (Adaptation)
Julianne Moore (The Hours)
Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago)
Queen Latifah (Chicago)

The Victim: None

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Adaptation (Charlie and the fictional Donald Kaufman)
The Hours (David Hare)
Chicago (Bill Condon)
About Schmidt (Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor)
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (4 writers)

The Victim: The Pianist (Ronald Harwood)

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Far From Heaven (Todd Haynes)
Gangs of New York (Jay Cocks, Kenneth Lonergan, and Steven Zallian)
Antwone Fisher (Antwone Fisher)
Talk To Her (Pedro Almodovar)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (Nia Vardalos)

The Victim: Y Tu Mama Tambien (Alfonso Cuaron and Carlos Cuaron)

WORKING FOR FOOD

Just downed three free slices of Mulberry Street pizza. I forgot how great it is to have all of your meals provided for you. Of course, the downside is, you have to work for it. But, so far, so good. I've been on set all week and I will freely admit that it's actually kind of stimulating to be working in production again. I've basically been working the 12 noon to 12 midnight shift this week, as we shot exteriors on Main Street in Culver City Wednesday night and have been blocking and shooting since. Tonight, we film in front of a studio audience. But enough about work.

A DAY OF MILESTONES

I knew today was going to be out of the ordinary because it started out with some really great news. For the first time in school history my alma mater, the Florida Gators are #1 in the country! They are currently on the longest winning streak in school history as well, at 14 games. Last week, every team in the top five got upset except for them and it was enough to propel them from 4th to 1st in the latest ESPN/USA and AP polls. If you love charts and graphs and brackets and the NCAA tournament as much as I do, you must check out Bracketology. Now, this might be a prime example of ESPN going overboard, but they really love their college basketball. And so do I.

More charts, different event. This year more than in previous years, handicapping for the Oscars has gotten serious. David Poland, who writes an outstanding column on everything cinema called The Hot Button, also contributes to an excellent site called Movie City News. There you will find a page of extremely well-researched and well-educated Top Ten Rankings for who and what will receive Oscar nominations when they are announced a week from tomorrow. Take special note of the tight races for the fifth spot in Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor. Looking over the list of movies and performances and scripts, I'm reminded of just how good a year it was for movies. But, yet again, it was a dreadful year for straight-up comedies. "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" was such a bloated hit precisely because there was a big fat comedy void in the marketplace. "Austin Powers in Goldmember" was a pretty funny movies and a box-office smash, but beyond those two, there is a stack of duds, like "Undercover Brother" which I watched this weekend, now available on DVD. I'm man enough to admit that the movie that made me laugh the most this year, by far, was "Jackass: The Movie." What more do you need to illustrate the current state of big screen comedy? No need to fear, though. I'm doing something about it. I am working on some things that will have all of you howling and hysterical in the coming years... hopefully.

Today marks the one year anniversary of My Girl and I hanging out.

It's also been one full year since I last worked full-time.

But... I landed a gig today. I'm back in the land of sitcom TV. Truthfully, it was a pretty easy call to make:

A) They needed someone with my specific set of skills and experience.
B) It's only a six week committment.
C) It's a five-minute commute to the studio.
D) They pay me money.

Hooray!

THE NEW SALON -- TIME-SHARE SEMINAR STYLE

Hey, how are you today? Would you like to read some hip and edgy online journalism? Great... Please follow me into the Salon where we have a brief presentation on the new Mercedes E-Class. "The 2003 E-Class is a thrilling combination of the familiar and the unexpected, classic details and new attitude. With more standard features and options than ever before, the 2003 E-Class combines everything you love about Mercedes-Benz with the latest innovations in automotive engineering." We're so sure you're going to love the new 2003 E-Class that we're willing to give you a free day's worth of unlimited access to that hip and edgy journalism you expressed interest in earlier. All you have to do is interact with our multi-window presentation and click through to the end and all those free words can be yours. Of course, we used to offer these same words for free, but we're so excited about the new 2003 E-Class that we're thinking of the opportunity to experience it online as an upgrade to the Salon experience. So, step lively. Right this way. There you go. Have a seat, make yourself comfortable, help yourself to some of the free water we're providing, and enjoy your time with the new 2003 E-Class. When the presentation concludes, just click on Go To Salon Premium and there you'll savor such things as an excerpt from Carina Chocano's brand new book "Do You Love Me Or Am I Just Paranoid?" You'll also find an interview of Ms. Chocano by none other than frequent Salon contributor Heather Havrilesky. And you must read Ms. Havrilesky's latest scathing take on pop culture entitled "New Jack City." Of course, there's so much more in the wonderful world of Salon. As a gift from the fine folks at Mercedes, feel free to read as much as you possibly can in 17 hours. After all, it's free.

YOUNG AMERICANS

I know it might seem as though all I ever write about are television, movies, sports, and the occassional book, and that might be because, for the most part, that's all I pay attention to. Call me shallow, but I no matter how hard I try I can't get into politics and business, I can't sink the hook in. So, this electronic chronicle is very much a representation of me and will continue to be. If you like me or my writing, keep coming back. If you come here expecting me to turn political all of a sudden, don't bother.

In that spirit... I watched the season premiere of "American Idol" last night. Apparently, so did a lot of other people. Last night's and tonight's episodes show the process of auditioning new talent for the show in New York, Miami, Austin, Detroit, and Los Angeles. There is almost nothing funnier than who person who can't sing but thinks they have a great voice. There's an incredible amount of self-delusion going on and thankfully the judges, Simon in particular, seem to enjoy shining a light on it. However, I am vowing not to get hooked on this show like I did during the summer. I will gleefully watch these first few to laugh at all the crazy people with no talent who believe they have what it takes to be pop stars, but that is where my involvement will end. That's it. I'm also finished with that stupid "Joe Millionaire." I flipped to it a few times while mainly watching tennis the other night and regretted it. The guy is a dolt, the girls are lame, the setups are stupid, and the host is a complete idiot. The only element that is mildly interesting is the perspective-spouting butler, but he's not funny enough to get me to watch it again. I probably won't watch again until the secret is revealed to whichever gold digger that's unlucky enough to win the construction worker's heart.

The best thing I've seen on television recently was a tennis match replayed on tape delay earlier this afternoon. My buddy on the east coast had already let slip who won and in what fashion by the time I got to see the match, but it didn't matter. Andy Roddick and Younes El-Aynaoui, The Lleyton Hewitt Slayer, played a classic five-set match that will undoubtedly be remembered as the match of this year's Australian Open. In this particular tournament, players do not play a fifth set tiebreaker. Instead, they keep playing until someone wins by two games. Today, Roddick and El-Aynaoui encountered that very situation and battled like gladiators for two and a half hours, in the fifth set alone! Roddick finally prevailed 21-19 in the deciding set after five hours of high-level tennis. The players met at the net and shook hands and then embraced. Roddick seemed to feel bad that El-Aynaoui lost, or that either of them had to lose. Commentator Mary Carillo summed it up by saying that "in the end, it was the entire sport that won." Rarely do you see two likable guys slugging it out like that, leaving it all on the court, and bringing so much sportsmanship to the proceedings. I think that's why the end was so emotional. Roddick was emotional. El-Aynaoui was emotional, but too tired to show it. The announcers clearly felt the emotion. Even I was emotional. My Girl was crying. It was moving. It was a moment. It was one of those heightened sports moments that transcended the game and became about life. That's why I keep watching sports, hoping each time to catch another of those rare moments. Perhaps there may still be one more left in this tournament if Andy Roddick and Andre Agassi end up meeting in the final...

TENNIS AYNAOUI?

The Golden Globes caused a major conflict in the nine o'clock hour last night. The WB was showing the third episode of my new favorite reality TV show "High School Reunion" and The Deuce (ESPN 2) was airing live Australian Open tennis. Even with some dextrous remote control work, My Girl and I still missed a good portion of "Reunion" which I hope to catch in its entirety when they re-air it on Thursday night. What we did see was quite entertaining, with our favorite "character" The Nerd boxing The Bully and making time with The Homecoming Queen. I need to see the whole episode before I can give a fair and accurate assessment. Things looked bleak in the first half of the ten o'clock hour. Renee Zellweger won, Richard Gere won, and Andy Roddick lost the first two sets to the 25th seed, 20 year-old Russian Mikhail Youzhny. But the tide turned as the clock approached eleven. "The Hours" won Best Picture and Roddick began to mount a comeback. The Golden Globes surprisingly finished on time and generously left the spotlight to tennis. Roddick came all the way back from two sets to love to pull out an improbable victory and stay alive in the tournament, slated to play Lleyton Hewitt in the quarterfinals. But, 18th seed Younes El-Aynaoui had other plans. He served the match of his life and would not let world #1 Hewitt take control of the match. Hewitt won the first set in a tie-breaker, El-Aynaoui won the next in tie-breakers with neither player surrendering a break of serve. Until the fourth set when Hewitt, the hometown favorite, double-faulted on break point and gave El-Aynaoui a window to win the match. And win he did, serving it out and taking the fourth set 6-4, upsetting the best player in the world and disappointing a nation in the process.

I must take leave of this blog presently to retire to the living room where I will watch Andre Agassi play his quarterfinal match against Sebastian Grosjean, the fast Frenchman whose name periodically gets stuck on a loop in my head. Au revoir, pikers.

THE GOLDEN DOZEN

Man, it's 6:30 Monday night and I'm still recovering from The Golden Globes last night. What a night. The glitz, the glamour, the limos, the dresses, the jewelry, the parties... Actually, My Girl and I watched it on her couch while eating Fritos and bean dip followed by Tostitos and salsa con queso con extra queso. I'll tell you, if we hadn't gone to see "The Hours" this weekend before the awards, it would have been a real ho-hum affair. Because, despite what your Baby Boomer parents may claim, "Chicago" is not a great movie. In fact, it was a valiant effort to continue the movie musical revival that the spectacular spectacular "Moulin Rouge" set into motion, but it's frankly pretty boring and, at this point, highly overrated. Predictably and disappointingly, "Chicago" beat out "Adaptation" for Best Comedy/Musical. And, while last night's Golden Globes contained a few peak moments, most notably Meryl Streep's acceptance speech in which she once again showed the world what a class act she is, Larry David's acceptance speech in which he publicly hoped that winning the award would guarantee him sex for the night, and Jack Nicholson's acceptance speech in which he admitted to having taken a valium before the ceremony, Renee Zellweger and Richard Gere's wins for Best Actor/Best Actress in a Comedy/Musical and Chicago's triumph for Best Picture in the same category left a real sour taste in our mouths that no amount of cheese dip was going to eliminate. But "The Hours" saved the day by winning Best Picture in the drama category. Judging from the preview and what little I knew about the film, I went in expecting not to like the chick flick. Now I know not to pre-judge a movie on that basis. Everything about this movie is of the highest quality. The writer expertly adapted what must have been a fantastic book into a flawless script and the director brilliantly brought that script to the screen using all of the resources at hand, including the finest ensemble cast of any movie in recent memory and the best score I've heard in a long time. It is with great confidence that I can agree with the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and proclaim my opinion that "The Hours" is the best film of 2002. Thus, I have incorporated it into my new top ten list, which has now been expanded to twelve and will henceforth be known as The Golden Dozen. After sitting with the list for a week, I decided to make a few adjustments which are reflected in the new list.

THE GOLDEN DOZEN

1. The Hours
2. Adaptation
3. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
4. About Schmidt
5. Y Tu Mama Tambien
6. The Rules of Attraction
7. Catch Me If You Can
8. Far From Heaven
9. The Bourne Identity
10. Narc
11. Igby Goes Down
12. Antwone Fisher

*I have yet to see "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind", "The 25th Hour", and "The Pianist" which could potentially alter the final ranking and order of The Golden Dozen

BACK IN INACTION

Back from lunch.

So, today I've learned that this blog flourishes when: a) I'm on the clock. b) I don't have a lot to do. c) I have a computer sitting in front of me. After all, after posting twice in two weeks, this is my second post today!

Since I was last in the Piker flow, I have absorbed seemingly infinite amounts of filmed and televised entertainment. Before I get to the rundown, I must mention that I did manage to read a book over the holidays. A book that was given to me as a gift by a very talented comedy writer back in 1996, my first year working in television. A book that has been recommended to me at least twenty times since and one that I've had in my Must Read stack the entire time -- A Confederacy of Dunces. Thankfully, I was not disappointed. John Kennedy Toole's Pulitzer Prize-winning novel made me laugh out loud many times and a few passages even had me cracking up, which is no small feat from a novel. The literally and figuratively larger-than-life main character of Ignatius J. Reilly is as hilarious as he is ridiculous and serves as the perfect conduit for a truly imaginative and unique voice in literature. A voice that was sadly silenced well before its time.

Now back to the really geeky stuff. High School Reunion continues to entertain me to no end. I can't even pinpoint exactly why I like it so much, I just get this giddy feeling while I'm watching it and I can't wait to see what happens next and who winds up with who. Of course, I'm in this mode of consuming reality television in the massive quantities that the networks are feeding it in. The funniest show on TV right now just might be "The Osbournes." I laugh heartily every single time I watch that show. As far as I can recall, this might be the first time a reality TV show was actually the funniest show on TV. Last week, in addition to "Reunion" I watched "The Bachelorette" and "The Surreal Life", and now I'm hooked on both of them. The only place where I actually drew the line and stopped watching was "Celebrity Mole: Hawaii." That show's just pathetic. If I have to look for a real job, then The Down Syndrome Baldwin should too. I liked the reversal of theme on "The Bachelorette." While the formula of featuring 25 relatively good-looking women is a more obvious ratings gimmick, watching 25 dudes vie for the attention of one hot babe actually makes for better television. I'm anxious to see which of the generic studs survives the next round of cuts. And "The Surreal Life"... I mean, I have no particular insight or enlightening pop culture perspective on this thing that's going to get you to watch it if you're not immediately intrigued by the premise of Emmanuel Lewis, Corey Feldman, Gabrielle Carteris (Andrea from 90210), Vince Neil, Jeri from Survivor, Brande Roderick (playmate), and MC Hammer sharing a house in the Hills for ten days. You just have to watch it. Tonight, "Joe Millionaire". Fox's tricked-ya spin on "The Bachelor" topped all of them in the ratings when it premiered last week. I'm planning on checking it out once and not watching it after that. At least that's the plan. Of course, I'm easily susceptible to getting hooked on the stuff. My TV drug of choice these days remains 24. In the absence of "Six Feet Under" and "The Sopranos", it has climbed to the top rung of the TV quality ladder. I know, I know. I should be getting paid to watch all of this TV. Maybe I'll put up a Pay Pal donation link on this site so you guys can pay me to watch TV so you don't have to. At the very least I should get a free TiVo.

On to the movies. Last week I went to an advance screening of "Narc" and did not expect to like it nearly as much as I did. Extremely well-made movie with some stellar performances by Ray Liotta and Jason Patric. Individually, those two haven't been this good in a long time. And they've never been as good together! I liked it so much that I went home and made an adjustment to my geekier-than-thou 2002 Top Ten List in progress. I'll post what I have here, but there's an accompanying list of movies that I missed that could potentially upset the balance. Maybe I like movies more than the average Joe Millionaire, but I find it hard to confine my list to ten films. Note: I had to make an additional documentary list because I saw so many that I liked last year.

THE TOP TEN

1. Adaptation
2. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
3. The Rules of Attraction
4. Y Tu Mama Tambien
5. Catch Me If You Can
6. About Schmidt
7. Far From Heaven
8. The Bourne Identity
9. Igby Goes Down
10. Narc

*Narc bumped "Gangs of New York" out of the Top Ten. I watched "Antwone Fisher" last night on tape and must confess to shedding a tear, so that film should be placed on the honorable mention edge of The Top Ten as well.

POTENTIAL TOP TEN SPOILERS

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Secretary
The Pianist
The 25th Hour
The Hours
Roger Dodger
Spirited Away

BEST DOCUMENTARIES
(in no particular order)

Bowling For Columbine
Dogtown and Z-Boys
Comedian
The Kid Stays in the Picture
Space Station (IMAX)
Scratch
Jackass: The Movie


MOVIES I LIKED THAT DIDN'T CRACK THE TOP TEN

24 Party People
About A Boy
Road To Perdition
Punch-Drunk Love
Spiderman
Minority Report
Moonlight Mile
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Austin Powers III
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (the action scenes)

BACK IN THE PRATTLE AGAIN

I'm back. Back in L.A. Even back at work. Back at New Line today for the first time in over a month. Back temping for a living. Back to mindlessly and meaninglessly filling seats one day at a time for an insulting wage. Back to reality.

I have obviously been neglectful in maintaining the high level of quality and consistency you devoted readers of Piker have come to expect. I'd like to say that I'm committed to returning this stellar self-publication to prominence, but I'm not sure that my heart is in it. I mean, even I am starting to get bored with my own online journal. I may continue as is and just post when I feel like it, but I would also consider a radical change in format and/or content. Anybody have any ideas?

Back with more later.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Welcome back, Pikers! Here we are in a happy new year. Could this possibly be the last year for human existence? Lots of crazy shit going on in the world, kind of makes me wonder... I think I'm going to take a cue from Jim Morrison: "I'm gonna get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames. All right. All right."

My new year's resolutions: Be more ambitious. Make a lot of money. Be more selfish. Say no more often. Get a job. Grow up.

I firmly believe I can accomplish all of those things by year's end. If anybody cares to aid me in achieving these goals, I welcome your help with open arms.

So far this year, I've already suffered some devastating loses by my favorite sports teams. The Dolphins, The Gators, and The Canes all ended their seasons in disaster. I'm still losing sleep over the Dolphins collapse at New England and that pass interference call in the end zone that ripped back to back national championships out of the Canes' hands. But, it's only a game, right? It hurts in the moment, but you move on. At least you try to move on. The key is to stop dreaming about it.

I have yet to see any movies this year, but I did see a slew of movies in the last few weeks of 2002. My year-end movie summary will be coming soon. However, in the new year, I have already discovered my new favorite show -- High School Reunion. Tune in Sundays at 9pm on the WB. And look for the replay of the series premiere on Thursday night at 8pm, to be followed by the premiere of The Surreal Life. Two phenomenal reality TV premises. I'm severely hooked on "Reunion" already, fascinated by the ways people change and don't change in the ten years following high school. Bullies and crushes and archetypes and stereotypes. You may not know these individual people, but you certainly know their types. Of course, I'm a sucker for all things nostalgiac, so this show is right in sweet spot. I already grow weepy thinking about the glory days of 2002.

I really hope this isn't the last year for humans because I'm having a great time.

THE PIKER HAS LANDED!

Boy, do I feel neglectful. I spent so much time and energy cultivating Piker this year and here I am just pissing it all away. Although it is no excuse, this week has been one of transition. My Girl and I flew down here to South Florida on Tuesday and have been adjusting ever since. Neither one of us are feeling particularly well physically, so the adjustment has been fairly difficult. Fort Lauderdale is nice and warm yet rainy. Hardly feels like Christmas, but then again, being a South Florida Jew, I've never known what Christmas has felt like anyway. Nice to spend time with the folks and my brother and grandmother though. I hope to see some local friends soon and I am anxiously awaiting this weekend's arrival of Henry (Don't Call Me Hank) Lazarus from the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Oh yeah, and I'm looking forward to seeing his parents too. Also, my Godfather and #2 Godmother and Godsister are coming down and we'll be spending our traditional North Miami Beach Christmas with them -- a movie followed by a wild goose chase to find a restaurant that's open and not that crowded and that everyone doesn't hate. I'm dreaming of a sunny and humid Christmas...

Some quick thoughts on entertainment:

ABOUT SCHMIDT - sad movie done with a lot of finesse and at a high level of quality. Once again, Nicholson provides another reason why he's almost everyone's favorite actor. And, if for no other reason, you have to see the movie because Kathy Bates gets naked.

24 - still pretty riveting, but growing increasingly difficult to explain the back story and subplots to new viewers.

SURVIVOR - crapola. For the second straight season, the finale has features two unlikable finalists. Good casting in Brian the used car salesman turned millionaire and Jake the 61-year old Southern gentleman and Erin the fake-boobed hottie who defied the stereotype, but other than that, I'm starting to think that either the applicant pool is extremely weak to yield the people who wind up on the show, or this show has just grown stale and boring and should vote itself off my television.

Thank God this week has finally arrived to replenish the theaters with movies I actually want to see. The last couple of weeks, you'd look at the listings in the mulitplexes and find twenty movies that you didn't give a hoot about -- Adam Sandler's 8 Crazy Nights, Die Another Day, Harry Potter, Treasure Planet, Maid in Manhattan, etc. Now I'm psyched to see Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Gangs of New York, Catch Me If You Can, The Antwone Fischer Story, and even Chicago.

I'm hoping to grow some patience, grin and bear the dial up connection found in Piker's Fort Lauderdale headquarters, and post more often while I'm down here. If I can't manage to do that, I wish everyone a wildly happy holiday season.

SOMEBODY STOP THIS THING BEFORE SOMEONE GETS KILLED

I saw "Rocky V" in the theater. It was a mistake. So was the greenlight that sent that project into motion. I plead with MGM to leave sleeping southpaws where they lie and abandon the idea of bringing a 50-plus Rocky out of retirement and back into the ring . Rocky should have hung up the gloves after defeating Drago and winning over a hostile Moscow crowd. Sure, it was heavy-handed, but "IV" was a lot of fun and the climactic fight scene at the end had me up and out of my chair just like that first fight against Apollo Creed did. The first four movies were Rocky quality, "V" was crap. Its existence insults the franchise almost as much as "Godfather III" does in its parallel gangster universe. "V" felt desperate. The writing was weak, the acting was wooden, the whole thing stunk like the gym where Mickey first taught Balboa how to box. I dread the thought of "Rocky VI." The once proud franchise has already gone one round past the point where it should have thrown in the towel, I beg and plead for it not to get up off the canvas wobbly-legged and cross-eyed and insist, "I can go on. Don't stop it. This fight ain't over." I'm calling it right now. It's over. TKO. To accurately communicate my true feelings about making another Rocky movie, I'll have to paraphrase a heartless Ivan Drago after he knocked Apollo unconscious in the ring, "If it dies, it dies."

DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS

I guess it's officially too late for me to become a wunderkind. I'm past the age of thirty, I have yet to accomplish anything of any significance, and nobody's wondering how I could be this good at such a young age. My story is in direct contrast to the one on display last night when ESPN2 televised a regular season high school basketball game and sent Dick Vitale and Bill Walton to cover it. The attraction: LeBron James. The result: An awesome display of precocious and unselfish bastketball by "The Next Jordan" in a twenty-point upset win over the number one ranked high school team in the country. The Hype had already begun, last night kicked it into high gear. LeBron is clearly a man amongst boys and I agreed with the announcers as they encouraged him to pass go, head directly to the NBA, and collect his $200 million. He has the body, he has the game, and he has the charisma to be an endorsement darling. Why should he risk an injury in college that could prevent him from ever even reaching the pros? Why shouldn't he collect a legitimate paycheck while learning the game? Vitale and Walton also stressed that young LeBron should get an education. He'll have every opportunity to get a degree if he so desires. And for a change, Walton actually said something that I liked... He insisted that the decision is LeBron's. No one should force LeBron into going pro or push LeBron into enrolling at a university. It's LeBron's life and LeBron's future. And the future for LeBron is more than bright, it's flat out blinding.

MY FAVORITE WEEKEND

sloth - n 1: a disinclination to work or exert yourself [syn: slothfulness] 2: any of several slow-moving arboreal mammals of South and Central America; they hang from branches back downward and feed on leaves and fruits [syn: tree sloth] 3: apathy and inactivity in the practice of virtue (personified as one of the deadly sins) [syn: laziness, acedia]

I watched a lot of things this past weekend. The list is embarrassing. I'm not feeling particularly well and I don't have the energy to comment on each of the things I watched, but I probably will anyway.

First off, I saw "Adaptation." It is easily the most inventive movie of the year. I loved it. I want to see it again. I want to see it win awards. Someday I want to own it DVD.
"
On video, I watched "Changing Lanes," "Y Tu Mama Tambien," and "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." I did not care for "Changing Lanes" or for its two protagonists and would not recommend it. I really liked "Y Tu Mama Tambien" and would list it among my favorite movies of the year. "Hedwig" I had seen before and enjoyed it as much the second time as the first.

I watched a boatload of E! Entertainment Television, including multiple episodes of "The Anna Nicole Smith Show," "The Howard Stern Show," and E! True Hollywood Story. The E!THS on "Baywatch" was highly addicting. I learned that David Hasselhoff's ego is equal in size to the combined mass of every fake breast that ever appeared on that show. To paraphrase Kit The Talking Car's partner on "Knight Rider": "I realized there was so much more I wanted to do. I mean, I was always a theater guy. And musical theater at that. I have this huge voice." Speaking of ego, I watched the E! True Hollywood Story on William Shatner as well. E! is like televised crack.

I watched an incredible amount of football, both college and pro. Miami vs. Virginia Tech, Washington State vs. UCLA, and some of Georgia vs. Arkansas on Saturday. Atlanta vs. Tampa Bay, New England vs. Buffalo, San Diego vs. Oakland, and Minnesota vs. Green Bay on Sunday. But it wasn't until last night when the Dolphins beat up on the Bears that I actually got some sports-watching satisfaction. Ricky Williams is the man. A very fast and powerful man who may give the Dolphins a legitimate chance to take the wide-open AFC.

I watched "Saturday Night Live," hosted by Robert De Niro with Norah Jones as the musical guest. It stunk. The writing was total shit, De Niro clearly hadn't rehearsed or glanced at his lines beforehand, Norah Jones was boring, and after it was over I really wanted to give up on the show. There was one very funny episode this season and the rest of it has been forgettable tripe.

And finally, I watched the season four finale of "The Sopranos." I thought it was great. Emotional, smart, and twisty, while culminating several of the season's story lines and setting up others for next season. I'm not in the business of playing the spoiler, so I won't go into detail in case either of you reading this hasn't seen it yet. I think the season as a whole wasn't quite as good as the first two seasons, but, unlike the feeling I had after the season three finale, I was satisfied. The biggest mistake the show made was sitting on the sidelines for 18 months while "Six Feet Under" took over as the best show on television.

That's all I've got. I gave more than I thought I had. Now I have to go eat some dinner before "24" starts.

TEMPORARY RELIEF

I just spent the last couple of hours stuffing envelopes. That was a pleasure compared to the task I was assigned earlier in the day. Things are looking up.

I'M IN HELL... TEMPORARILY

This is the worst day of temping I've had so far. My job is to go through this huge stack of contacts and systematically call each starred entry to verify the person's information. Just about every call has some problem or another. The number is disconnected, the person no longer works there, my call cannot be completed as dialed, the office is closed, wrong number, busy signal, hang up, etc. I was instructed to try to establish another contact if the person no longer works there, but most of the time I'm searching for these people through an automated directory. Sometimes I call and they've never even heard of the person I'm looking for. Sometimes they tell me the person hasn't worked there in years. Other times I call and I get the person who inherited the extension of the person I'm looking for and although they're kind of pissed off, they politely tell me that they have no idea who the person is despite periodically getting calls for them. I've only been able to verify a handful of contacts. A few people I contacted have changed addresses A couple of people told me to remove them from the list altogether. The last person I called, clearly not someone at American Express where I was trying to reach, didn't speak any English.

This stack seems endless. I dread every call I make. I can't wait for this day to end. I'm counting the seconds. I miss my life as an unemployed bum.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I WILL SAY
AT MY WORK AND AT MY PLAY

I have been thoroughly entertained as of late. Some sizzling fast-paced television, a bunch of good movies, and lots of exciting sports have kept me happy. Maybe it's a wave of good vibes. Maybe I am easily amused. Maybe I have been enjoying all of this stuff because I have been avoiding the things I really should be doing. Whatever the case may be, this holiday season not only am I thankful for a great girlfriend, fun faithful friends, and a fantastic family, but I am also thankful for quality in cinema, art, music, books, television, sports, cyberspace, travel, architecture, hiking trails, pets, weddings, beach houses, central heat and air conditioning, and a very comfortable bed.

"The Sopranos" episode on Sunday was simply awesome. Quite a rebound from the weak segment a week ago. I have wickedly mixed emotions about the finale. On one hand, I am anxious as hell to see what goes down. There have been so many fuses lit, I can't wait to see which ones explode. On the other hand, I am dreading the emptiness I'm positive I will feel following the 75-minute season ender.

"24" is a show on fire. Kiefer Sutherland continues to blow me away with some of the most astounding acting I've ever seen on television. And, like last season, the show becomes more fun to watch as the plot unravels one hour at a time. I don't know if anyone else has noticed or not, but Elisha Cuthbert, the girl playing Jack Bauer's daughter Kim, has blossomed into a fine young woman. Dennis Haysbert has improved his acting in playing President David Palmer. But it's still hard to buy this presidential regime in light of the great lengths "The West Wing" has gone to in cementing Martin Sheen in my mind as the ultimate Leader of the Free World.

Speaking of Dennis Haysbert... My Girl and I went to see "Far From Heaven" this weekend and we both thought it was outstanding. Actually, "outstanding" was my description. It was sort of my word for the weekend. But My Girl definitely liked it a lot, as evidenced by the fact that she cried at several key points during the movie. The first time, I turned and asked incredulously if she was crying. She get a little mad because she thought I was making fun of her, but I wasn't. I was just surprised that she was crying so early into the movie. I wasn't sure that the movie had earned that much emotion yet. Apparently, it did for My Girl. I thought it was beautiful to look at, full of rich performances, most notably by Julianne Moore, and in all facets, a director's movie. The attention to detail was impressive. From the way the title splashes across the screen to the period costumes and cars to the melodramatic story to the end credits, this movie was a heartfelt homage to the fifties. Kudos to Todd Haynes. And Dennis Haysbert wasn't half bad.

My Girl and I also watched "Harold and Maude" on DVD this weekend. While the movie ranks near the top of my all-time list, My Girl had never seen it before. Well, after she watched it and liked it very much, she remembered that she had seen some of the movie before. She speculated that she tried to watch it in college while under the influence and fell asleep. I love that movie more and more every time I watch it.

I also watched Escape From Alcatraz" on DVD on J-Yoz's strong recommendation. First time I had seen it. I liked the intensity a lot. It's such a straightforward story without much in the way of subplot. Eastwood gets sent to Alcatraz, the Warden's a prick, no one's ever escaped, Eastwood comes up with a plan to escape, gets some help from his buddies, and busts out. However, it is gripping, and I noticed a bunch of little things in the movie that were used later in "The Shawshank Redemption". I think a lot of younger people hold "Shawshank" in such high regard without knowing its lineage. To those people, I would recommend "Alcatraz" and another of my favorites "Stalag 17". I'm wondering, did they close Alcatraz because the real Frank Morris broke out? Did Morris and his buddies escape successfully or did they drown?

MAD SCIENTISTS

Since the beginning of the year, a group of friends of mine have been performing as a comedy troupe called The Ministry of Unknown Science. They are extremely irreverant and snarky and, most importantly, funny. I attended a dress rehearsal of their new "experiment" last night at their headquarters downtown and, as usual, I laughed my ass off. If you want to see them, they are performing this Saturday night at LOSCON 29, which if I heard correctly is L.A.'s largest science fiction convention. If you want to read about them before you see them, follow me... Or you can pick up a copy of the L.A. Weekly when it hits the stands tomorrow. The buzz is just beginning. Jump on this bandwagon before it rolls out of town.

GOOD SPORTS

I have watched a ton of sports over the years and yet I saw something last night that I've never seen before. Monday Night Football showcased the San Francisco 49ers against the Philadelphia Eagles. Last week, the Eagles superstar quarterback Donovan McNabb broke his ankle on the third play of the game, but somehow managed to limp his way through the rest of the game, throwing four touchdown passes in the process, and leading the Eagles to a big win. However, post-game x-rays revealed the fracture and McNabb will most likely be lost to the Eagles until the playoffs. Enter Koy Detmer. The Eagles backup QB was in the national spotlight last night, making his first start in three years against the west division-leading Niners. Detmer proceeded to play a near-flawless game in helping to stake the Philly boys to a big lead in San Fran. But, destiny had something else in store for Koy Detmer on this night. Late in the third quarter, Detmer dropped back to pass and, as he had done all evening, hung tough in the pocket to complete a 24-yard pass play. But he paid the price, taking a shot to the legs from defensive end Chike Okeafor, who threw him down to the turf. Detmer extended his left arm to brace his fall, and in a moment reminiscent of the famous scene of Joe Thiesman's leg getting bent back and broken on a hit from Lawrence Taylor on Monday Night Football, the quarterback's arm twisted awkwardly under the pressure. When they showed the replay repeatedly, you couldn't help but wince, imagining the pain he must have been in. And Detmer showed his pain too, wildly kicking his legs and flailing as he immediatly grabbed his left arm. The referee was compassionately holding him down with one hand while urgently motioning for the trainer with the other. When the trainers finally set the arm in a makeshift cast, helped Detmer to his feet, and sat him down on the cart to be wheeled off, something amazing happened. In a display of nothing short of love, the entire Eagles roster swarmed Detmer with encouraging words, pats on the head, and pure appreciation. Two weeks in a row the Eagles have witnessed tremendous courage and ability from their top two quarterbacks in the face of adversity, and their leadership has helped define the team character of the Eagles. Koy Detmer is known to be a very popular player on the team, one who knows the offense so well he teaches the coaches a few things. But this went beyond popularity. This went beyond being a good teammate and a likable person. Hell, the 49ers defensive team that was on the field wished Detmer well too. No, this was more than just a moment in a game. This transcended sports.

ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDATE ME, MRS. ROBINSON?

Is there a subtlety to Lorraine Bracco's acting that I'm not getting? Is she some sort of genius and I'm the only one who doesn't see it?

I WISH I COULD JUST FUGGEDABOUTIT

Not that it happens very often, but I was extremely disappointed in "The Sopranos" last night. Granted, I had just watched "Citizen Kane" on DVD right before it started, but last night's episode entitled "Calling All Cars" was weak.

Entirely too much screen time was devoted to the Janice-Bobby Bacala-and-his-kids storyline. We've seen manipulative behavior from Janice before, so there was no jolt of surprise in her sending a haunting anonymous IM to Bobby Jr. in order to more solidly entrench herself in their lives. In fact, it was predictable that she was going to pull a stunt like that and it felt repetitive. The seance with AJ and his little hottie and the Bacala kids was long and uneventful, the scene with Bobby and Janice eating dinner in the mall was all right, but in the end, who really gives a shit about Karen's last ziti? I like the character of Bobby and I usually get a kick out of Janice, but maybe I just don't care enough about the subplot to feel much of anything.

You know what else there was too much of? Lorraine Bracco. To paraphrase James Spader's Steff character from "Pretty in Pink", her acting was, is, and always will be nada. She sucks the life out of every scene she's in and that's quite an accomplishment considering most of her scenes are played against James Gandolfini, who expertly continues to craft one of the most fascinating characters in television history. Melfi's a terrible shrink and Bracco's an abominable actress. Kudos to Tony for ditching the therapy! After sitting through yet another session of Dream Analysis 101 and suffering through the most deliberate delivery in the history of acting, I would've hightailed it out of there a hell of a lot faster than he did.

The most interesting stuff involved the escalating tension between the New Jersey family and the New York family, but there just wasn't enough of it. A short scene with Carmine and Johnny Sack and then an uneventful dinner scene with Little Carmine... That's it? Oh, right, a couple of conversations with Silvio about keeping Florida secret and Paulie Walnuts. Not a memorable scene in the bunch. I'm not saying I don't like where this story is headed, but I do feel as though the moments we saw last night could have been used to lay the groundwork for something that took place in the same episode.

The dream sequences were strange and kind of creepy, but we've seen stranger and creepier from this series. They didn't seem to add up to too much either. Of course, we have to assume their purpose is to set up some big revelation in the last two segments of the season. But that's just it, the whole episode felt like setup. Besides finally eating Karen's fuckin' ziti, Tony cutting the therapy cord was the only concrete thing that occurred. But even that feels unfinished. It was as if the producers needed to stall for a night so they could flood the final two with, what I hope will be, the same intensity as the one where Ralphie got whacked. I guess it boils down to the disappointment of knowing this was one of the final three episodes of an otherwise scintillating season.

No Christoper in rehab... No Adrianna... No Meadow... No Furio-Carmela scenes... No Heshie...

It pains me to admit, but as far as I can remember, last night was the first time I was little bored while watching "The Sopranos."

HAD ENOUGH OF THE FUNNY JEWS?

It seems former boss, Seinfeld alum, and dare I say friend Carol Leifer has been quite busy since we last worked together on "The Ellen Show". Makes me feel lazy. But as always, I wish her the best of luck in all her endeavors. By any chance, you hiring, Carol?

RANK THIS

"Seinfeld"
"The Simpsons"
"All in the Family"
"Cheers"
"Taxi"
"M*A*S*H"
"The Larry Sanders Show"
"I Love Lucy"
"Friends"
"The Wonder Years"
"The Dick Van Dyke Show"
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show"

LANGERADO RIDES AGAIN!

JEWISH COMEDY CONNECTIONS CONTINUED

Now that I've completed "Portnoy's Complaint" at long last, I'm finally getting around to all the reading I've been ignoring in the interim. One of the pieces I had been meaning to read was the article on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" in last week's LA Weekly. Right off the bat, it became clear that I was meant to read these things in a particular order:

LARRY DAVID IS THE PHILIP ROTH OF situation comedy, unafraid to reveal just how devious, petty, annoying, argumentative, selfish, boorish and insensitive he can be.

The Jewish comedy chain is taking on a certain clarity for me now. I know Philip Roth didn't invent Jewish humor. Far from it. From Vaudeville to the Catskills to the Friars Club, Jewish comedians have fueled American comedy for over a century. But I believe I can now pinpoint a seachange in the history. Lenny Bruce ushered in a new era of Jewish humor that is much darker in tone and content. Philip Roth built on what Lenny Bruce had started, Woody Allen pushed it even farther, and now Larry David has taken it to yet another level. As the Weekly article colorfully states:

Larry is a one-man universe of bad karma, a human banana peel

I actually have a personal anecdote about a real-life encounter with the eccentric Curb creator and Seinfeld co-creator that illustrates why his show is simply a heightened version of his friction-filled day-to-day existence. In February of 1999, Columbia Pictures was celebrating its 75th anniversary with a film festival at The Cineramadome. "Lawrence of Arabia" was the opening film, it was only running for the first two nights, and I had never seen the classic. So, despite the fact that I didn't have a car at the time, I vowed not to let the opportunity pass me by. I hopped in a cab and had the driver drop me off in front of The Dome. I anxiously walked up to the box office only to discover the show was sold out. Now what? As I was prone to do at the time, I lit up a cigarette and milled outside the theater hoping against hope that I would find some way in or they would release more seats or something. Puffing away, who do I spot but Larry David also milling about outside the glass doors. Somehow I instinctually gleaned from his body language that he was caught in the same predicament I was, only he most likely had a car to make his escape in. As he paced by me, I casually said "Hey, can't you pull some stings and get us some seats?" He grimaced and shrugged and I pushed it a little more: "Just tell them who you are and I bet they let us right in." He said he didn't feel right doing it and I, having nothing to lose, kept nudging: "Then slip 'em a twenty." Larry scoffed, "No, it's too embarrassing." Although I was broke and couldn't even afford to own a car, I countered: "I'll do it." Larry perked up: "Really? You'll do it?" I said "Yeah, I'll do it." He considered it for a moment, then neurotically backed off: "No, we can't do that. We'll get caught." Barry: "We won't get caught" Larry: "No, I can't do it. You do it if you want to, but I can't." Larry strolled away, but stayed in the immediate area, purposefully peering inside. Minutes later, he wandered back over to me and engaged me in a little chit-chat. "So, what do you do? You a writer?" I told him we knew a lot of the same people because I used to work at Castle Rock and I worked in sitcoms and yada, yada, yada... we had established a rapport. We wished each other luck on getting in and that was that. Or so I thought. A few moments later, I see the usher escorting a handicapped person and their companion inside through one of the secondary glass doors. Right behind them, Larry David, sneaking in under the pretense of accompanying the handicapped person. Classic George Costanza. Emboldened by Larry's enterprising delinquency, I decided to make a play of my own. Without a ticket, I approached the usher at the main entrance and pleaded my case. "The box office is sold out and my friends are inside with ticket for me. Can I go in and find them?" After some additional coaxing and desperate facial contortions, the head stickler usher called over a subservient usher named Mario to escort me into the theater to find my friends. As Mario walked me in, I whispered: "Even if I can't find my friends, will you let me stay for the movie?" Under his breath, Mario replied: "Yeah, that guy's a dick anyway." We walked into the The Dome and almost immediately passed Larry David in the walkway between the front section and the balcony. I said, "Larry, hey, you got in?" Larry shot back, "Hey, you did too." Apparently, Mario thought that Larry was the friend I was looking for and left me alone. I asked Larry if he found his friends, he said he hadn't but he was staying for the movie anyway. I found a seat in the balcony, the lights dimmed, and pleased as punch with myself, I watched the first half of "Lawrence of Arabia." At intermission, I saw Larry once again, approached him and queried: "So, what do you think?" "You know, I couldn't sit through the whole thing when I was a teenager and I can't sit through the whole thing now. I'm taking off. I'm going home." Shocked and amused that he went to such great lengths to sneak into a movie that he couldn't even sit through, I laughed and gave him some shit. After a few more minutes of chatting, Larry asked me my name again and wished me luck as a writer. We shook hands, Larry threw his signature scarf around his neck and left the building. I returned to my balcony seat and watched the second half of the 217-minute masterpiece. Still riding the high from my very own Seinfeldian episode, I walked all the way back to my apartment on Formosa from The Cineramadome.

KVETCHFEST

I finished reading Philip Roth's 1967 classic "Portnoy's Complaint" this morning. It very well might be the funniest book I've ever read. The sexually-charged novel about a man in his thirties relating his life story to a psychiatrist is not only a highly influential work in the realm of modern Jewish humor, but the experts consider it one of the century's hundred best novels. Frankly, it surprises me that "Portnoy's" made the Board's list, considering the book is filled with some deeply dark sexual material. But it's a pleasant surprise, as I have no objections to this book being recognized as legendary. I found the neurotic revelations to be both courageous and hysterical, an obvious forefunner to the comedy of Woody Allen and "Seinfeld". I rarely laugh out loud while reading, but this book cracked me up on many occasions and even contained something most comedies fail to deliver, a formidably funny punch line.

CHATTER

Doughty: hey dude
Langerado: tsup...
Doughty: not much, been busy
Doughty: you working same place as last week?
Langerado: yeah. today's the last of it.
Langerado: but, the guy i'm working for called me into his office before the end of work last night and told me how much he likes me and wants to help me out
Doughty: sweet, just remember to ask for the money up front
Langerado: right-o
Doughty: how funny was the Curb finale?
Langerado: i thought it was all right
Langerado: that show doesn't make me laugh that much
Doughty: "You fucking car-wash cunt, I had a dentist appt"
Langerado: i don't find jeff's wife funny
Doughty: you are telling me that you didn't laugh when she walked in as Cheryl was cursing and she went off?
Langerado: too much of a coincidence
Langerado: not organic
Doughty: every episode is like that...completely inorganic
Doughty: always stupid, but always funny
Langerado: i don't love it
Langerado: i want to love it more than i do
Doughty: better than any other sitcom
Langerado: i'm usually left kind of disappointed
Langerado: i watched "raymond" last night for the first time in a season or so -- worst one i've ever seen
Langerado: watched "mind of a married man" on sunday after curb -- could not believe how bad it was
Doughty: that show lost me after about the second one
Langerado: state of comedy on television is dreadful
Langerado: i think this may have been the first "mind of" that i watched in full
Doughty: so this guy gonna hook you up?
Langerado: not necessarily
Langerado: just said he would if he could
Langerado: nice guy
Langerado: very encouraging about writing and the like
Langerado: hey, i had this crazy dream last night about a huge birthday party thrown in my honor
Doughty: and...
Langerado: the dream didn't seem that imporant. what was important was that my eyes popped open at 6:20 to end the dream and while trying to get back to sleep I couldn't shake the feeling that i should get back to acting
Doughty: back to?
Langerado: well, i originally came out here to take acting classes...
Langerado: i continued with the groundlings until i had to give up the class to work in the mailroom at castle rock
Langerado: i've been away from it ever since
Langerado: when i say back to, i mean the idea of acting for a living
Doughty: sounds like a screenplay
Langerado: how so?
Doughty: like a character in a script
Doughty: tossed and turned through the Hollywood carousel
Langerado: maybe i'm too close to it
Langerado: give me an arc
Langerado: or don't...
Doughty: gets lost in the near-miss writing/producing gigs...lands in a dead-end asst position, only to be cast as an out of work srcreenwriter in a perfectly cast spot, finally finds some contentment -- working-class actor
Langerado: not too bad
Doughty: eh
Doughty: you hear anything about Adaptation?
Langerado: buzzing like crazy
Doughty: that's good right?
Langerado: i think it's going to be a great one
Langerado: did you say you loved "igby goes down"?
Doughty: Being John Mal director?
Doughty: liked
Langerado: spike jonze
Doughty: right
Langerado: and writer -- charlie kaufman
Doughty: he did Adaptation?
Langerado: both
Langerado: writer comes off a big hit and is hired by studio to do adapt a book into a screenplay. writer can't do it, winds up writing himself into the screenplay.
Doughty: you think of Shelly Duval song yet?
Langerado: story becomes writer trying to adapt book instead of the book turned into a movie
Langerado: i told you i never recorded it in my brain in the first place
Langerado: i thought igby was pretty awesome
Langerado: snappy dialogue, great cast
Langerado: at the beginning, the tone reminded me of "harold and maude"
Doughty: gave it a 1+
Langerado: that's 3.249999 stars, right?
Doughty: can range from 3 - 3.49999
Langerado: pi?
Doughty: would place it at 3.2
Langerado: igby>pi
Doughty: touch more
Doughty: Mark Cuban on ESPN radio, pretty funny
Langerado: funny because he's legit funny or because he's ridiculous?
Doughty: trying to hold on to gains for day
Doughty: legit
Langerado: isn't that what you try to do every day?
Doughty: no sometimes I am trying to fight out of hole
Langerado: called into office -- chat later
Langerado: peace
Langerado: love ya
Doughty: back atcha

I’S OF THE WORLD

I feel cultured today. And it’s not just the juiced vegetables and fruit smoothie I had for breakfast this morning. The theme for this past weekend was perspective. Various seemingly unrelated activities conspired to remind me of the existential context in which I live my life.

The first lesson in perspective came Friday night while watching “Dancing Outlaw”. Apparently, this 1991 short film about tap dancing hillbilly Jesco White is a cult classic. Previously, I had never seen nor heard of the infamous hick flick. Growing up in South Florida didn’t offer too many opportunities to experience real backwoods folk, and even though I went to school in Gainesville, life revolved around the college and my relatively sheltered experience was extended. Shortly after my Gator tenure came to an end, I moved to Los Angeles. Thus, I am admittedly unfamiliar with the ways of the hayseed. Frankly, the extreme brand of bumpkin freaks me out. It’s so foreign to me. So unlike the existence I’ve known. And while I appreciated “Dancing Outlaw” as a bizarre and entertaining documentary, when confronted with such a pointed portrayal of the reddest of rednecks, I cringed and squirmed and my eyes got heavy. But, for the sake of cultural awareness, I vow to give it another look, with open eyes and an open mind.

“Igby Goes Down” continued the cultural lesson. The bittersweet story of a prep school malcontent provided a glimpse into the world of the rich and dysfunctional. Being neither rich nor particularly dysfunctional, once again I found myself a stranger in a strange story. Poor Igby receives no love from his mother or brother and the only member of his family capable of showing any affection, his father, cracks under the pressure of his weighty life and goes insane. After getting booted out of numerous prep schools and escaping from military school, Igby lands a gig working for his prototypically successful godfather (a polished and slick Jeff Goldblum) in New York City. While in New York, Igby encounters an array of apathetic characters who perpetuate the feeling that nobody gives a shit about him. During the course of the film, Igby gets his ass kicked on three separate occasions and is betrayed in one way or another by almost every character in the film. Aided by a stellar performance by Kieran Culkin, I couldn’t help but feel for Igby. It’s as if you, as an audience member, are responsible for giving him the affection that everyone in his world refuses him. The movie is filled with no less than eight excellent performances by the likes of Claire Danes, Jared Harris, Amanda Peet, Ryan Phillippe, Bill Pullman, and Susan Sarandon, in addition to those previously mentioned. Clearly, these actors were directed well, as no single performance stands outside the story, and it didn’t hurt that they had some really sharp dialogue to work with. It’s a testament to the movie's effectiveness that I left the theater with such compassion for a spoiled little rich kid.

Late late Saturday night, after watching a horrendous episode of Saturday Night Live, My Girl and I stumbled upon an unexpected gem. PBS had signed off for the night and instead of turning into a pumpkin, it became The Discovery Channel, which was rerunning special entitled “Deadliest Job in the World”. It turns out the deadliest job in the world is crab fishing in the Bering Sea during one of the worst storms in eighteen years. Hellish conditions, off-the-charts risk factors, eighteen-hour days, weeks without sleep, and an ever-present threat of death combine to crown this job the champion of shitty jobs. But hey, the money’s good. You want to talk about perspective -- I’m sitting here answering phones for a handful of dollars per hour and I’m thrilled, now that I’ve seen the extreme alternative. Granted, you have to be a thrill seeker to even sign up for the gig in the first place, but some of the behavior these guys were displaying, I don’t know… Forty-foot waves crash down on them, eighty-mile-an-hour winds toss them around, and heavy rains pelt them in the face, while these ultra-rugged macho men stand on the deck trying to maneuver these large cages of bait and crabs in and out of the water. I understand that time is money, but for godsakes, take a break until the storm passes. Time and money don’t really factor into things when you’re dead, do they?

Yesterday was a full day of complete cultural immersion. My Girl, Young Goodman Brown, and I went downtown to the MOCA at California Plaza. Before we entered the museum, we strolled down the street to take in the Frank Gehry-designed Walt Disney Concert Hall, still under construction but nearly complete and fully spectacular. Right off the bat, the museum bested expectations. The permanent collection starts with an exhibit called "Conversations" which is structured as a dialogue between several contemporary artists, including Robert Rauschenberg and Jasper Johns. In my humble opinion, Johns' painting "Map" was the highlight of the exhibit. After disappearing for some time, Young Goodman Brown came back to retrieve us and make us skip ahead to this surreal section where an entire room was dedicated to a work called "Proposal For Monument at Frienship Park, FL". The facade of a wood cabin and it's porch has rocking lawn chairs where you can sit and sift through an extensive collection of southern rock records and then play them on turntables. Of course, being the DJ and all, Young Goodman Brown had to do a little scratchin'. Seconds after he turned to me and said, "Look, man, I'm scratching," the security guard purposefully walked over and stuttered "You can't do that." YGB apologized, but I think he underestimated how much it bothered the stuttering security guard, whose every utterance sounds like a scratched record. In the same room is a bunch of fake rocks and a trash receptacle in the middle with speakers planted inside to play the southern rock records. The most intriguing exhibit was a collection of photographic works by Thomas Struth. There were perspective pictures of roads and cityscapes, stunning shots of nature, and ironic images of people in museums looking at great works of art. While browsing through the exhibit, My Girl wished out loud that there was a movie made up of great shots of buildings and nature set to music. Young Goodman Brown said "There is and tonight's the last night it's showing at The Egyptian Theater. It's called "Baraka".

"Baraka" is breathtaking. The film contains some of the greatest cinematography you will ever see and it's larger than life in 70mm. I know this may be a cop out, but I find the experience incredibly difficult to describe. Shot in 24 countries, the film is like a visual tour of the world, its peoples, and its cultures, and it's quite overwhelming. Suffice it to say that My Girl got exactly what she wanted.

In addition to feeling cultured, I feel well-rounded and literate. I feel like I'm a part of the world. I feel whole. How long can I make it last?

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF LISTY McLISTERSON

Doughty: Qiuz Show / Cape Fear / American Beauty / Being John Malkovich / Eight Men Out / Midnight Run
Langerado: gimme a sec, i'll nail this one
Langerado: 1. American Beauty
Langerado: 2. Midnight Run
Langerado: 3. Being John Malkovich
Langerado: 4. Eight Men Out
Langerado: 5. Cape Fear
Langerado: 6. Quiz Show
Langerado: love the top four
Langerado: like the bottom two
Doughty: similar, but I have one major difference
Doughty: 1. Am Beaut
Doughty: 2. Cape Fear
Doughty: 3. Mid Run
Doughty: 4. Being
Doughty: 5. Eight
Doughty: 6. Quiz
Langerado: you love the cape fear?
Doughty: what's not to love?
Doughty: a movie that has you sympathizing/rooting for a sicko
Doughty: Nolte's finest hour
Langerado: i liked it a lot, i just wouldn't put it that high on that particular list
Langerado: coun-se-lor
Langerado: did you see that clip with the fox news guy screwing up?
Doughty: where he says "blow job"?
Doughty: heard on Howard I think
Doughty: that what you're talking about?
Langerado: yes, that's the one
Langerado: you want me to forward it
Langerado: it's a huge file
Doughty: nah, don't have much room on pc at home
Langerado: cool that
Doughty: true that
Doughty: one more list eh?
Langerado: sure, i've got time for one more before lunch
Doughty: should we venture into "3" territory?
Langerado: whatever you like
Langerado: what were the other ones?
Doughty: 2's except for Overboard, dr det list
Doughty: ok we go to the big boys...
Langerado: midnight run a 2?
Langerado: american beauty a 2?
Doughty: that means 3.5 out of 4
Langerado: lil
Doughty: right, agreed both are strong 3.5's
Langerado: lol
Langerado: lal
Langerado: okay, your system is fucked up and needs to be revised
Doughty: 4-star reserved for all timers
Langerado: fine. but things need to be clearer
Langerado: 2 means 3 and a half stars
Langerado: i don't use math for a living
Langerado: or anything else for that matter
Doughty: doesn't seem so tough
Doughty: yes 2 means 3.5
Langerado: unnecessarily confusing
Langerado: 1 means 4 stars
Langerado: 2 means 3.5 stars
Doughty: no 3 does
Langerado: 3 means 3 stars
Doughty: other way
Langerado: there is no 4
Doughty: 3 is highest rating
Doughty: jeesh
Doughty: you forget that I know you are no dummy in the math world
Doughty: as much as you'd like to be an English freak and nothing about math makes sense
Doughty: can't fool old friends, amigo
Langerado: okay, so 3 is 4 stars
Langerado: 2 is 3.5 stars
Langerado: 1 is 3 stars
Doughty: right, with the caveat that the 1's have two ratings
Doughty: 1 and 1+
Doughty: guess which is higher
Langerado: 1+ is a 5 star movie
Langerado: top of the heap -- all time great
Langerado: a number one
Langerado: plus
Doughty: no
Langerado: 1+ is a 3.25 star
Doughty: yes
Doughty: whew
Doughty: we'll tackle some 3's
Langerado: okay, i just got the okay to go to lunch, so hit me with one more list
Doughty: Goodfellas / Close Encounters / JFK / Manchurian Candidate / Raging Bull / Schindler's List / Wall Street
Langerado: wow
Langerado: big hitters
Doughty: see the difference?
Langerado: yeah
Doughty: and I left out the real heavys
Langerado: 1. Raging Bull
Langerado: 2. Schindler's List
Langerado: 3. Manchurian Candidate
Langerado: 4. Close Encounters
Langerado: 5. Goodfellas
Langerado: 6. JFK
Langerado: 7. Wall Street
Doughty: 1. Schindler
Doughty: 2. Raging
Doughty: 3. Goodfellas
Doughty: 4. Manchurian
Doughty: 5. WallSt
Doughty: 6. JFK
Doughty: 7. CLose Encounters
Langerado: tough list, man
Doughty: not too far off from each other
Langerado: not too far at all
Doughty: wall st last huh?
Langerado: relative to the others -- but i still love the movie
Doughty: ok pikage
Langerado: going to grab a philly cheese steak now
Doughty: have a good weekend
Langerado: u2, buddy
Doughty: adios

ETC., ETC., ETC.

Doughty: rank em:
Langerado: go
Doughty: worldcom, sprint, at&t, mci, pacwest, verizon
Langerado: this isn't my genre, but i'm going for it anyway
Langerado: 1. AT&T 2. Verizon 3. WorldCom 4. Sprint 5. MCI 6. PacWest
Doughty: Worldcom has to be last -- bankrupcy
Langerado: sorry
Langerado: what about the rest of the order
Doughty: Freckles, Dimples, Beauty Mark, Bedroom Eyes
Langerado: well, i know you'd have to rank freckles #1
Doughty: rest was swell
Doughty: actually last
Langerado: i'd say...
Langerado: 1. Bedroom Eyes
Langerado: 2. Beauty Mark
Langerado: 3. Dimples
Langerado: 4. Freckles
Doughty: right on the mark
Doughty: you watch 24?
Langerado: no
Doughty: wing?
Langerado: had a busy night
Langerado: no
Doughty: boococky?
Langerado: wrote with jeff bye for a couple of hours, then hung out with alvarez and my friend drea who is moving back to brazil next month
Doughty: back in a bit
Langerado: giddyap

THE LIST IS LIFE

JODIE: hi ! how are you
Langerado: good. how are you, jod?
JODIE: great!
Langerado: well, that sounds good. why so great?
JODIE: going out for dinner tonight w/ chaunce (he's on howard stern a lot) ya know of him?
JODIE: he's kind of a piker
JODIE: loving Calvin kleain
JODIE: klein..oops
Langerado: how long you been there now/
JODIE: a month...getting so much free clothes!!!!!
JODIE: just came home today w/ 2 jackets
JODIE: what's going on with you?
Langerado: not too much. temping at New Line today.
Langerado: it's been very inconsistent though
Langerado: this is the first day this week i'm working
JODIE: oh
JODIE: yikes!
Langerado: kind of hard to establish a regular schedule
JODIE: how is your "lady"???
Langerado: but, i've been writing and running and i feel like i'm moving forward
Langerado: she's pretty good -- a little stressed about making a living while she's writing her novel
JODIE: forward is better than backwards
Langerado: yup
JODIE: going to see Rules of Attraction on your recomendation
Langerado: i hope you can handle it
JODIE: you see 8 mile yet? it was pretty good
JODIE: oh i just heard that you haen't seen Reg for a dream yet
JODIE: requiem
Langerado: i have not seen requiem. i meant to see it in the theaters, but i didn't, and i haven't really watned to rent it since
Langerado: but i did see 8 mile and thought it was pretty good
JODIE: i love emenim's cd
Langerado: i never liked his music, but that song from the movie is pretty damn good
JODIE: i'm sorry mama
JODIE: rank these albums
Langerado: go
JODIE: outfield play ball
pretty in pink
brian adams..summer of 69
some kind of wonderful
bat out of hell
surfer rosa
JODIE: as per jace
Langerado: some kind of wonderful soundtrack?
JODIE: true that
Langerado: and is summer of '69 the name of the album?
JODIE: c'mon...don't be a piker
Langerado: seriously
JODIE: i think it is
JODIE: go on Amazon
Langerado: the album is called "Reckless"
JODIE: you still at work?
Langerado: ok, here we go...
JODIE: oh yeah
JODIE: ok
Langerado: yeah, still at work, it's only 4:15
Langerado: 1. Pretty In Pink
Langerado: 2. Surfer Rosa
Langerado: 3. Bat Out of Hell
Langerado: 4. Reckless
Langerado: 5. Play Ball
Langerado: 6. Some Kind of Wonderful
JODIE: correct
JODIE: good going
Langerado: really? is that actually the RIGHT answer?
JODIE: yes nice job
JODIE: look it up
Langerado: i'm confused now
JODIE: look in the Almanac
Langerado: in order of quality, right?
Langerado: isn't that subjective?
JODIE: quality yes
Langerado: give me more
JODIE: ok
Langerado: but, be warned, i may publish this conversation on the blog
JODIE: be right back on doughty acct
Langerado: is this jodie or jason?
JODIE signed off at 4:20:36 PM.

Doughty: yo
Doughty: jodie now
Langerado: was that jason?
Langerado: or you?
Doughty: jace is looking through cd's
Doughty: it was jcae
Doughty: now jodie
Langerado: you guys are out of your minds
Doughty: he'll bwe right back..mking lists
Doughty: he is crazy list boy
Langerado: no kidding
Doughty: lists are EVERYWHERE
Doughty: sports rankings, movies, cd's
Langerado: typing LOL is extremely cheesy, but i just laughed out loud
Doughty: just for fun he writes lists
Doughty: lists by his bedside, on the coffe table, in the kitchen (no not in the kitchen..)
Doughty: bye bar..getting in trouble
Langerado: bye jod, thanks for making me laugh
Doughty: Nevermind
Blood Sugar Sex Magic
Nothing Shocking
Achtung Baby
Siamese Dreams
Ten
Live Through This
Langerado: 1. Nothing Shocking
Langerado: 2. Achtung Baby
Langerado: 3. Nevermind
Langerado: 4. Siamese Dreams
Langerado: 5. Blood Sugar Sex Magic
Langerado: 6. Ten
Langerado: 7. Live Through This
Doughty: wrong, thx for playing
Langerado: WRONG?
Doughty: 1. Nevermind
Doughty: 2. Nothing Shocking
Doughty: 3. Siamese Dreams
Doughty: 4. Blood Sugar
Doughty: 5. Live Through This
Doughty: 6. Achtung
Doughty: 7. Ten
Doughty: as much as I hate that murderer C Love -- that album is good
Doughty: hell it was written by Kurt Cobain and Billy Corgan
Doughty: Elizabeth
Bugsy
Eyes Wide Shut
Glengarry Glen Ross
Malcolm X
Saturday Night Fever
Taxi Driver
Thirteen Days...all "2" rated movies from THE list
Langerado: 1. Taxi Driver
Langerado: 2. Glengarry Glen Ross
Langerado: 3. Malcolm X
Langerado: 4. Bugsy
Langerado: 5. Thirteen Days
Langerado: sorry, scratch that
Langerado: 5. Saturday Night Fever
Langerado: 6. Thirteen Days
Langerado: 7. Elizabeth
Langerado: 8. Eyes Wide Shut
Doughty: 1. Sat Night Fever
2. Taxi Driver
3. Bugsy
4. Eyes Wide Shut
5. Glengarry
6. Malcolm X
7. Elizabeth
8. 13 Days
Doughty: interesting
Doughty: Saturday Night Fever pretty low
Doughty: admittedly I like Eyes Wide Shut more than most
Doughty: let's try some 1+'s shall we
Doughty: Sexy Beast
This Boy's Life
Trainspotting
Remember the Titans
Slums of Bev Hills
You Can Count on Me
Election
Doughty: there?
Doughty signed off at 4:53:14 PM.

AND THE DEAD SHALL RISE!

CINEMANIA

At long last, it's that time of the year again. Typically, the last two months of the year contain more quality movies than the rest of the year combined. This year seems to be dutifully following the pattern. I've seen four films in the last week and, in one way or another, I enjoyed them all. That's not to say that they were all great movies, but I found something to like in each of them.

Jackass: The Movie
I haven't laughed that much in a movie theater in a long long time and I've definitely never cringed as much. These guys are easily the most balls-out group of friends around. Most of the stunts and pranks they pull off are things only idiots would try. But these guys really aren't idiots. They're actually quite adept at coming up with schemes to push people's buttons, shock others (and often themselves), as well as challenge the notion that something simply cannot be done. Although I'm defending these lunatics by claiming they're not idiots, I'll call a spade a spade: They are out of their friggin' minds. I was talking about the movie with a fellow film buff and he said it felt like he was watching it in his basement with a group of rowdy friends. The audience audibly reacts in every conceivable way -- howling, screeching, yelling, shrieking, doubling-over, gagging -- and can't help turning to the person sitting next to them and asking "Did you see that?" The film buff said it's the only movie he's ever gone to see where his cell phone rang and he answered it, confident that carrying on a conversation wouldn't bother anyone.

Punch-Drunk Love
I like this movie. I use the present tense because the more I sit with it, the more I like it. It's original in that Paul Thomas Anderson way where the supernatural is present in every day life. It features a unexpectedly layered performance by Adam Sandler as Barry Egan. The movie has Philip Seymour Hoffman and Emily Watson, a couple of actors who are always at the top of their game. The amazing scene with Barry's overbearing and overwhelming sisters all together under one roof is all the character development you need to know why the guy is the way he is. The film, like all of PTA's work, is beautifully shot with incredible music and has that unique element of spontaniety that leaves you with no real clue as to what's going to happen next.

8 Mile
Not a great movie, but a pretty damn good one. Eminem is great in the movie because of two things: he has an abundance of charisma and he was directed extremely well. I flipped over Curtis Hanson's last two movies, LA Confidential and Wonder Boys. What's on the screen reads as a good performance because Hanson did an outstanding job of asking Eminem to do what he was capable of doing and nothing more. The controversial rapper was able to draw on the considerable star quality he already had rather than struggle with the transition to a new medium by having to craft a part like some sort of method actor. And he came out of it smelling like a rose instead of wilting like a half-talented pop star with only handful of acting classes under his belt. I don't even like his music, but "Lose Yourself", the big hit single off the soundtrack, is catchy as hell and accurately frames the movie. The storyline is basic and there are some weak spots, namely a couple of the friends characters and most of Kim Basinger's dialogue, but like Eminem himself, the movie is constantly engaging and forces you to keep watching.

The Rules of Attraction
Brutal, merciless, dazzling. A must see for anybody who loves stylish filmmaking and doesn't require a main character to identify with and root for. Scenes rewind themselves, montages are shown in fast forward, and the entire movie turns out to be a sort of wicked flashback. One character is in love with another character who is in love with somebody else who is in love with yet another. The movie has sex, drugs, and 80s tunes to spare and is by far the most visceral of the three Bret Easton Ellis adaptations. It's a shame this movie was given a wide release and is now considered a bomb because it was never meant for the masses. Lion's Gate should have marketed "The Rules of Attraction" as an art-house film and released it that way so it could generate some buzz instead of being considered a flop. Because now the onus is on the DVD and video release to attract the audience that should have seen this movie in the theater.

Four movies in a week and I liked them all. But, none of them were as good as last night's episode of "The Sopranos".

There are still a multitude of must-see movies in current release and coming soon. Here's my updated list:

NOW PLAYING

Igby Goes Down
Secretary
Far From Heaven
Spirited Away
Auto Focus
Roger Dodger
Bowling For Columbine

COMING SOON

Adaptation
Catch Me If You Can
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
About Schmidt
Gangs of New York
Chicago
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
The Antwone Fischer Story
Narc
The 25th Hour