RUN, RICKY, RUN... UR... BURN, RICKY, BURN
Dear Ricky Williams,
What it do? In light of your latest positive drug test, I felt compelled to drop you a line. I think it's become pretty clear by now that you're never going to be the dominant running back you once were for my beloved Miami Dolphins. And you know what... that's okay. You had your day in the sun, and you were a beast. I'm sorry those prime years didn't lead to a Super Bowl, but you led the league in rushing and you showed the world your special talent. Now it's time to give up. Why come back to be half the player you once were? What's the point? As far as priorities go, you've made it clear that smokin' the ganja is higher on the list than carrying the football as the workhorse back for an NFL team. I don't blame you. You and I have both seen what happens to running backs with long careers... they can't walk after they retire! So I say ditch the pigskin and concentrate on the herb.
If your desire to get back into the league is about money, you've got to let it go. Get a job, dude. There are plenty of jobs out there that don't test for the kush. You've got a college education and some skills, it shouldn't be that hard to find work. A regular job will allow you to get casual when the mood strikes and give you a little walking around money. I mean, I sincerely hope you have some cash left from your NFL days. If not, you could be screwed. Because the kind is not cheap, and I know you don't want to be smoking the MexiBud with seeds and stems and whatnot. If you've spent every last dollar, Tyson-style, then by all means, apply for reinstatement with the league in September. Just don't plan on being a Dolphin.
By the way, when I was going out with this girl a few years ago, her family got me one of your Dolphin jerseys for Christmas. It was the greatest Christmas present this Jew has ever gotten. So I'll always have my little piece of your glorious days in a Dolphin uniform. Don't ruin that memory by returning to the league as a mediocre backup just to make some green to purchase some green. Don't do it, man.
Burn one down for me.