FROM HERO TO ZERO IN 135 SECONDS FLAT

I believe Alec Baldwin is a comedic genius. Of course he's funny on "30 Rock", he's supposed to be funny. That show desperately needs him to be funny. Otherwise, it might collapse under the weight of the one-note antics of Tracy Morgan. But I find Alec Baldwin to be especially funny when playing drama. Besides Emperor Palpatine, no one in the known universe relishes his own capacity for evil like Alec Baldwin. Two prime examples will undoubtedly illustrate my point:



and...



I had the honor and distinct pleasure to work with Baldwin (henceforth in this post, Baldwin will refer to Alec only, not his lesser kin) on a couple episodes of "Will & Grace". As always, he was dead on with his deadpan, never begging for a laugh, and, perhaps to the surprise of many, he was also a perfect gentleman. When I was a lowly peon toiling in the mailroom of Castle Rock Entertainment, Baldwin had an overall deal and an office at the Beverly Hills headquarters. Again, he was never less than cordial and even gave each of the mailroom guys a bottle of nice wine and a personally-signed card for Christmas. Thus, I felt the old adage of "never meet your heroes" didn't apply to Baldwin. After hearing the now-infamous phone message to his daughter, my first instinct was to thank my lucky stars that I'm not his kid. Then I listened to the message again, and while I don't condone that brand of parenting, I have to admit it made me laugh a little bit. I knew I shouldn't, but he's just that damn funny.

While we're on the subject, I suppose I should remind the seven of you reading this to watch an all-new episode of "Heroes" this evening. I like the show, but can't say I love it. It sits on my TiVo all week long, starts to feel like a chore, then I watch it and enjoy it. Don't really know why I'm not all in on that show.

And I should take this opportunity to plug perhaps the greatest hero I've ever had. Though they call them hoagies, La Spada's in Ft. Lauderdale has mastered the art of the submarine sandwich. For starters, the bread is perfect. Then they layer on the meat which is sliced fresh right in front of you, pile on as many fixins as you desire, then add another layer of meat! Crazy, right? But they don't stop there... They take the knife and perform a delicate procedure called a "tuck under", whereby the top layer of meat is tucked under the bottom layer to create a unified sandwich. You can't believe how good the whole thing goes down. Here's the kicker: Since the airlines decided to cut costs by not feeding us real food on the plane, I try to pack a delicious meal for myself and call it a mile high feast. When I asked the fine folks at La Spada's if there was any way they could keep the sandwich from getting soggy while I flew cross-country, they knew just what I needed... The Fisherman's Drop. Before laying down the first layer of meat, they place a piece of wax paper on top of the bread and build the hero from there. When it comes time to eat, say halfway through my Delta Song flight when I'm watching the E! True Hollywood Story of The Hilton Sisters for the umpteenth time, I politely request a Canada Dry Ginger Ale from the stewardess, take out my sub, carefully remove the wax paper, and -- Voila! The Fisherman's Drop!

In an attempt to find some kind of cohesion to all this, I turn to Bowie:

I
I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins
Like the dolphins can swim
Though nothing
Though nothing will keep us together
We can beat them
Forever and ever
Oh we can be heroes
Just for one day

I
I will be king
And you
You will be queen
Though nothing
Will drive them away
We can heroes
Just for one day
We can be us
Just for one day

I
I remember I remember
Standing
By the wall by the wall
The guns
Shot about our heads all about our heads
And we kissed
As though
Nothing could fall nothing could fall
And the shame
Was on the other side
Oh we can beat them
Forever and ever
We can be heroes
Just for one day

We can be heroes
We can be heroes
We can be heroes
Just for one day

All right, maybe that didn't tie everything together the way I thought it would, but that is one incredible song...