Tuesday, April 17, 2007


The following was written between 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM:

Last night, the once venerable "24" hit a nadir for the season and possibly the series. The thrill is gone, the fun is gone, now it's just plain lame.

First off, Audrey's not worth it. Jack's going to trade his life for Audrey's? Please, like Audrey is more valuable to the US and A than the greatest counterterrorist in the history of counterterrorism. Laughable. How many times has Audrey saved the fuckin' universe? And -- and this is a big one -- she's not hot. I mean, if Jack Bauer was going after some supersmart Betty who was a fraction as cool as he is, then maybe I can buy the motivation for his character to take that big a risk. But, come on, Jack, don't even think about ending it all over Audrey. Look at it this way, Jack... tomorrow's another really shitty day. More suspects to interrogate in cruel and imaginative ways. More no-win situations for you to somehow manage to snag victory from the jaws of defeat. More carrying on your techno-erotic love affair with Chloe. The sun may not come out tomorrow, Jack, but you can bet your bottom dollar there'll be some serious terrorism. Audrey won't be able to stop any of it. But you can. And you will. Just let her go, man. Why don't you take out that nice girl who works for the VP? Try her on for size. Or maybe go out with Connie Britton again. She sure is looking good these days...

Secondly... nice pratfall, President Palmer. The Velveeta people are on line 2, wanting to know if you're all right. Ugh, and the Vice President is standing there in the viewing box watching the speech while holding his letter of resignation. It reminded me of a recent late night snack I prepared for myself in which I melted three different kinds of cheese together to see what would happen. Why would the guy take questions? It violates the first rule of comedy and Presidential Addresses -- Get in late, get out early. Wayne held it together perfectly for a handful of comforting words to the nation and there's no question that should have been it. The audacity to open the floor to questions when his health is failing and there are an infinite number of details about the day's events that he could never in a million years talk to the press about. Just friggin' ridiculous.

Lastly, Ricky Schroeder sucks. He was cute as a button in The Champ and Silver Spoons. (I still don't know if I watched that show for him or because his house had a video arcade and a rideable toy train running through the living room.) He's in over his head, like he was on NYPD Blue. Oh wait, was that Zack from Saved By the Bell? Anyway, I don't believe for a millisecond that little Ricky Schroeder is going to push Jack Motherf-ing Bauer around.

The whole show just made me nauseous. Like they suckered us in with five and a half years of roller coasters and then wouldn't let us get off that stupid pirate ship ride that just goes back and forth and back and forth, threatening to flip all the way over but never actually doing so. And, of course, it's all in the name of continuing to sell us the same goods and services they've been shoving down our throats since Dennis Hopper tried out a crappy Czechoslovakian accent in his short stint as the bad guy. Thank God TiVo makes that all go away...

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