OL' PIKER'S STORY HOUR

EXT. PORCH OF A RUNDOWN CABIN - DAY

An aging Piker sits in his rocking chair, whittling a piece of wood into the shape of a remote control.

OL' PIKER

Back in the summer of 2002, My Girl and I weren't working all that much and had lots of free time. You can bet we enjoyed our time too. And how. We played a lot. We ate a lot. And we laughed a lot. And... We traveled all over this great land of ours. We traveled to weddings. We traveled to funerals. We took trips with friends. We attended family reunions. We did it all. But, wherever we went, we never missed a single installment of "American Idol."

Ol' Piker's head tilts back. He begins to snore immediately. After a moment, he snaps back awake.

OL' PIKER

Back then, things were much simpler. Wait, where was I...? That's right, I was telling the tale of "American Idol." I don't quite remember what I wanted to say about it in the first place, but I think it might've been something about how this little crappy throwaway summer show hosted by two clowns featuring a bunch of youngsters who couldn't sing worth a darn suddenly turned into this runaway smash hit. It all happened so fast, it made my head spin. That show put a spell on me. I kept watching it even though I swear to you I hated that program. I mean, it was god-awful. But I could not look away.

Using all his strength, Ol' Piker manages to stand up out of the rocking chair. As soon as he does, the whole chair collapses behind him.

OL' PIKER

In fact, it wasn't until I ran across this magical article on one of those old-fashioned webzines that the whole "American Idol" conundrum made any sense to me.

Ol' Piker scratches his head. After a beat, he sniffs his fingers.

OL' PIKER

At least I think it did...