SCRUBBING UP

Today is the first day of yet another phase of unemployment. My mission now is to complete a damn good sitcom spec script as soon as possible, pair it with my one existing damn good sitcom spec script to get an agent to take me on as a client, and land a long-awaited staff writing gig. The current vehicle for this meteoric rise... "Scrubs."



In searching for an appropriate show to write, I found the television landscape to be barren and bland. The state of comedy on television is woeful. There are, maybe, a few funny shows. I'm already sitting with a polished spec for "Everybody Loves Raymond", I wrote a "Friends" years ago when that show was still in its prime, "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is hilarious but I feel like the fun is in the improvisation not the writing, "The Office" is fantastic but not yet a known quantity in the industry, "Malcolm in the Middle" is a good one to write but I don't know the show very well, and I like "Will and Grace" but I don't have any desire to write one, unless of course they hired me to. So that leaves "Scrubs," a show I feel comes off as a winning combination of silly and sweet, which fits my voice perfectly. I've read several "Scrubs" scripts, I've watched a handful of episodes on tape, and I've scoured the episode guides to get a sense of the overall arc and fill in any gaps in my knowlege of the show. Now comes the hard part. Brainstorming to find a story I want to tell. Any of you doctors out there have any war stories you want to share?

GLUTEUS ERRONEUS

Although not one person reacted in any way shape or form, I must formally issue a retraction to a prior post. The red bathing-suited basketball booty featured Tuesday on this site does not in fact belong to Salon's Superhot TV Critic. By all accounts, her posterior is even more spectacular than that! I, for one, thought it was obvious who the derriere in the photo belonged to, but for those of you who failed to identify that unmistakable bottom, it's none other than Bathing Suit Britney. Now Britney is certainly not in need of any sort of makeover, but I was in desperate needed of a segueway, so without further adieu, I proudly direct you to an article on "Extreme Makeover" written by the woman with the greatest ass-et in television criticism. If that isn't titillating enough, maybe the lesbian kiss on "All My Children" is hot enough for ya.

STONED STUPID

What may be the world's worst pot smoker has been found in Carlsbad, New Mexico. Eighteen year-old Robin Loftin was appearing in magistrate court on Tuesday facing charges of driving with a suspended license and failure to renew his registration. As the judge entered the courtroom, Loftin removed his hat and a joint fell out and hit the floor. Needless to say, that pissed off the judge, who immediately cited the stoner for contempt of court and sent him to a detention center. Loftin, mental midget that he is, just served ten days in jail in March for a marijuana-related charge. Apparently, a cop witnessed the moron hiding his bong in a cabinet at a party. Is this guy an idiot or what?

REALITY TV: THE MOVIE



In true voyeuristic fashion, I indulged my curiosity and attended a special screening of "The Real Cancun" this evening. Out... of... control. Wild and fun and flawed, "Cancun" left my head swirling with images and is forcing me to confront my true feelings on the whole reality television craze, which has obviously now set its sights on the big screen. I'm still sorting it all out and will try to formulate an overall opinion overnight with the intention of shedding some light on the seemingly superficial yet inconspicuously complicated subject matter.

BOOMTOWN FRATS

That Superhot Salon TV Critic is at it yet again with two brand spanking new columns. In "The Real World" With Beer Bongs, she rips into the pack mentality of the frat boys on MTV's "Fraternity Life," but ultimately and surprisingly gives the Greeks the benefit of the doubt. In Reinventing the McDrama, she does yeoman's work in helping to contribute to the rapidly-growing buzz over "Boomtown" and lays heavy praise on writer/creator Graham Yost, all the while presenting an airtight case for NBC to renew the show for a second season.

Oh, and I think I may have found the only known picture on the net of that Superhot Salon TV Critic's ass.

YEAH!

Wow. Got a chance to see The Yeah Yeah Yeahs at the Henry Fonda Theater on Friday night. That's what I call a power trio. Guitarist Nick Zinner and drummer Brian Chase generate a tidal wave of sound and lead singer Karen O surfs the crest. From the moment she strutted out on stage -- picking straws out of her cleavage, putting them in her mouth, then spitting them out -- O owned the joint. She mesmerized the edgy youngish crowd with her writhing and prancing and bending over and a voice alernating between a lioness' roar and blues babe's bawl. Brash and trashy one minute, cute and playful the next, she made it so you couldn't take your eyes off her for one second. Already billed as the next Chrissie Hynde, for a few brief flashes, when she turned her back to the audience, or hopped around on one foot, or flirted with danger by swinging the mike around wildly, she opened a door into the past and reflected Jim Morrison. I echoed the sentiments of a new friend of mine who went to the show with us, when he said "Everyone there either wanted to be her or sleep with her and some wanted both." He stated out loud something I felt for a nanosecond but instantly buried deep down, "I never understood why people wanted to touch something a rock star just sweated on, but when she put that hat on her head then tossed it into the crowd, I understood. I wanted to touch the hat." I too wanted to touch the hat. Karen O made everyone want a piece of her and Friday night they were lucky to get it in such an intimate setting. The newly revamped and reopened Henry Fonda Theater, a Hollywood Blvd. remnant from Old Hollywood, offered concert-goers the opportunity to view the show in a variety of ways -- down and dirty on the floor in front of the stage, civilized and comfortable from the theater seats on the mezzanine level, or with a drink in one hand and a smoke in the other on the outdoor deck with the show projected onto a giant wall. Some great indie rock acts passing through there these days and after Friday night, the Henry Ford now ranks among my favorite venues in LA.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs have a hit single on the British charts, a brand new album on Interscope Records set for release a week from tomorrow, and the swell of the Brooklyn buzz fueling their rise. The sky might not even be the limit. Yeah.

MARATHON MAN

Will Ferrell is running a marathon today. And it's not just any old marathon he's running, it's the Boston Marathon. If you've seen the funnyman on "Saturday Night Live" in the past, all too willing to showcase his spare tire and pudgy ass, it may be a bit of a stretch to imagine Ferrell in marathon running shape. But he's in it -- weighing a svelt 195 pounds on his now lanky 6-foot-3 body. Ferrell and his wife Viveca ran the New York City Marathon in 2001, finishing in just over five hours. Then the two went on to run the Stockholm Marathon, where Ferrell completed the race in just under four and a half hours. Then in November, Ferrell finished a half marathon in about one hour and forty-five minutes. This is no joke. The slapsticky comedian takes his running very seriously, employing a running coach and the latest technology to improve his time and study the craft of running. Today he's aiming to finish the legendary Boston run in under four hours.

I ran for the first time in a long while this weekend, trying to kickstart a health kick and whip my fat ass into some sort of shape. Last year, during my running heyday, I had two ten-mile runs. If I can find the discipline to take my running to another level, perhaps I'll follow in Ferrell's footsteps...

UPDATE: He did it! Ferrell broke four hours and outlasted Endurance Elvis.

NETFLIX NET LOSS

I'm no expert at reading into quarterly reports, but I always find it intriguing when a company announcing it's losing money is taken as a positive sign. Netlix, my preferred online DVD rental service, reported earnings today and the news was good. For the quarter, the company had a net loss of $4.5 million, or 20 cents a share. That compared to a net loss of $4.5 million in the first quarter last year, but a loss of $2.20 a share. What confuses me is the profit figure of $31,000. How can a company operate at a net loss and make a profit? All that doesn't sound so good on the surface, but the numbers show that the company is showing outstanding growth at a faster rate than expected. I'm a huge fan of the service, which allows me to rent 3 movies at a time from my online rental queue, and I can rent as many movies as I want for 20 bucks a month. The postage is paid and the turnaround is a lightning fast three days. I'm catching up on all kinds of old movies -- foreign films, musicals, classics, new releases -- and I always have something on hand that I want to watch. The best part is that since I've been using Netflix I haven't set foot in a Blockbuster Video store. Take that, you evil corporate bastards!

PEOPLE REALLY ARE WATCHING ELLIE



This may not be common knowledge, but through six seasons of sitcom television I have yet to work on a show that made it to its second season. Technically, this is the second season of "Watching Ellie", but they've only produced a total of 19 episodes, so it's as if they've only done one real season. After assisting the writing staffs of "Boston Common", "Alright Already", "Maggie Winters", "Sugar Hill", "Battery Park", and "The Ellen Show", I may actually have a shot of working on a returning show. Last night was the season premiere of "Watching Ellie" and America was indeed watching. The show finished second in its time slot to one of my favorites, "24", and retained 88% of its lead-in audience, which was a Museum of Television and Radio special honoring the funniest women in comedy. Next week, the show will stay in its regular time slot at 9:30pm on Tuesday, but it will be preceeded by "Frasier", which is slumping badly this season and dying a slow death. Hopefully, people will continue to watch "Ellie" and I won't have to struggle with my employment search next season. Maybe I'll actually be given a shot as a baby writer...

WET HOT BUTTON AMERICAN SUMMER

Over at The Hot Button, internet film columnist extraodinaire David Poland has put together his Big Summer Movie Preview before escaping for a spring fling in Bermuda. He's pretty confident that this is going to be a blockbuster summer in terms of quality and box office. I'm hoping he's right.

ROY'S NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE

As Brenda so eloquently stated on "Six Feet Under" last night, "Timing is everything in life." Three years ago, Roy Williams was offered the job as head basketball coach at North Carolina, his alma mater, replacing the retiring Bill Guthridge. Guthridge had succeeded the legendary Dean Smith, Williams' mentor, just a couple of years earlier. Back then, the timing wasn't right for Roy Williams, as he declined the offer and stayed at Kansas. In the three-year span since, Williams led Kansas to two Final Fours, this year and last, but failed to win his elusive first national championship both times. The timing must be right now, because Roy Williams broke the news to his Jayhawk players today that he's leaving Kansas to seize a second golden opportunity to click his heels and return home as the coach of the North Carolina Tarheels.

And somewhere, Matt Doherty is feeling like an even bigger asshole than he already was...

MILLER GENUINE DAFT

Salon's outstanding television correspondent gets a little fired up about Dennis Miller's HBO special "The Raw Feed", which aired live this Saturday night. In her article entitled "Dennis the Menace", the astute critic lambasts Miller's latest stand-up performance and dissects his reference-laden brand of humor. If you came here looking for beer and thought the title was a typo, your Miller Time awaits here...

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF PIKER

I read the blog today, oh boy

I'm not sure if you people know this or not, but Piker doesn't have the greatest work ethic in the world. Even when Piker is working, Piker is not really working that hard. But today, Piker was and is still... working. Notice how Piker has now taken to referring to itself in the third person? Anyway, Piker transitioned from "Watching Ellie" (which premieres this Tuesday, April 15) to a pilot called "Rubbing Charlie." So now Piker is involved with both watching Ellie and rubbing Charlie. Wait a second...

So, this is actually the first break Piker has had today. Piker got a call on the supersecret Pikerphone while driving to work. Apparently, Piker's Boss needed Piker, but when Piker got here, Piker's Boss didn't need Piker anymore. As it turned out, Piker's Boss became confused when looking at yesterday's draft and thinking it was today's draft. In the interim, someone handed Piker's Boss today's draft and the confusion was cleared up before Piker could navigate the morning rush hour traffic and park the Pikermobile. But, ever since Piker walked through the door, Piker has been working. Piker's Boss needed to make a last minute change to the script, so Piker had to type that up and distribute it to the proper parties. Then Piker sat in on the table read, at which Piker laughed out loud a few times and was overall quite entertained. Then Piker had to sit in the corner and commit to paper everything that was said while the network gave notes to Piker's Boss. Then Piker moved slightly closer to the table after the network folks took off and the studio people took their turn at giving notes to Piker's Boss, but Piker still had to record every word that was uttered. After that, Piker had to quickly type up the notes and hand them out to Piker's Boss and the visiting writers who were helping out Piker's Boss. Then Piker sat in on the several-hours-long yet fairly amusing writers meeting and once again took down everything that everybody said. (Note: During that time there was a slight break for lunch, at which the writers ate some fancy Italian food while Piker suffered through a meal of bulk-ordered Panda Express.) After the writers had gone through the entire script, Piker's Boss let them go and Piker sat down to type up all the notes from the several-hours-long writers meeting. After having a colleague proofread the typed-up notes, Piker then handed said notes to Piker's Boss. Since that time, Piker has been attempting to complete the process of clearing the character names with the research and legal departments and filling in on the phones when Piker's co-workers were too swamped to pick it up. Otherwise, it's not really Piker's job to answer phones. But, that's the kind of piker that Piker is. And right now, Piker is a piker on hold, waiting for Piker's Boss to communicate when the script changes will be done, whether tonight or sometime this weekend. Exactly when that will happen is any piker's guess.

I'd love to turn you on...

CAN'T CATCH HIM

Premiere magazine's 2003 Power List is out and Steven Spielberg is #1. Spielberg was #6 last year, but took over the top spot after directing two hits this past year with "Minority Report" and "Catch Me If You Can." The Power List issue hits newsstands on Monday, but you wouldn't know anything about The List is you visited the lame Premiere site. Though I conducted a fairly thorough search, I was unable to locate the entire list anywhere. But through various articles, I was able to put together a list of 20 confirmed spots.

#1 - Steven Spielberg
#13 - Tom Hanks
#14 - Tom Cruise
#15 - Mel Gibson
#16 - Julia Roberts
#18 - Brian Grazer
#19 - Jerry Bruckheimer
#20 - Peter Jackson
#21 - M. Night Shyamalan
#26 - Ron Howard
#27 - Andy and Larry Wachowski
#28 - Denzel Washington
#31 - Nicole Kidman
#32 - Reese Witherspoon
#47 - Jennifer Lopez
#63 - Renee Zellweger
#74 - Jack Nicholson
#96 - Halle Berry
#98 - Colin Ferrell
#99 - Kate Hudson

Where's Piker?

I AM NOT A RAGBAG!

Entry: miser
Function: noun
Definition: hoarder
Concept: financial entity
Source: Roget's Interactive Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.0.0)
Copyright © 2003 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Synonyms: Shylock, cheapskate, churl, curmudgeon, glutton, harpy, hoarder, hog, hunks, misanthrope, misanthropist, moneygrubber, muckworm, niggard, penny pincher, pig, piker, pinchfist, pinchpenny, screw, scrimp, scrooge, skinflint, stiff, tightwad

Entry: vagabond
Function: noun
Definition: wanderer
Concept: unsocial entity
Source: Roget's Interactive Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.0.0)
Copyright © 2003 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Synonyms: arab, beachcomber, beggar, bum, deadbeat, derelict, down-and-out, drifter, floater, gypsy, hobo, idler, itinerant, loafer, migrant, nomad, outcast, piker, ragbag, rascal, road agent, rogue, rolling stone, rover, stiff, stray, street arab, stumblebum, tramp, transient, traveller, vagrant, wayfarer

EVERYBODY LOVES A CRITIC

Salon must really love their new TV and entertainment correspondent. They've run a piece of hers nearly every day this week. Today, she raves about "Everybody Loves Raymond" and interviews the show's creator Phil Rosenthal. If you haven't been following these Salon links and clicking through the quick ad they force you to view for total access, you should start doing so. Not only is her writing insightful and entertaining, but she'll save you a whole lot of wasteful channel surfing time. If you let her.

24/6

"24" rebounded in a big way last night. I thought last week's episode was weak, a placeholder segment that felt like it was running in place, and not even on a treadmill. But the show returned to form this week. I enjoyed the smoky gunfight and the developing bond between Kiefer and Cate. And what a great ending. Almost Yoda-like. "In-side......."

But, even when "24" is at its peak, it is still only the second best show currently airing original episodes. I missed the "Six Feet Under" episode that aired on Sunday, but I thankfully I caught it last night. "SFU" consistently operates at the very highest level and continues to display more insight into relationships than most super-therapists. That initial atom-splitting spark of new love is in the room with Claire and Russell in every scene, complete with artistic awkwardness and the ongoing mystery as to Russell's ultimate sexuality. The budding friendship which could turn into something more between Ruth and her new housemate Arthur is highly original and weird and infinitely amusing. Their scenes contain more laughs than the majority of sitcoms on television nowadays. Not much David and Keith this week, but the one scene of them chatting in bed about the girls they used to sleep with made me laugh and cringe and admire the writing and the acting and the reality of it all. The Nate and Lisa stuff was simply inspired, with their passive-aggressive banter finally boiling over on their private walk in the woods during a camping trip. Claire de-virginized Russell, Ruth and Arthur scampered out of the room after accidentally catching a moment of porn on the tube, David and Keith routinely popped in some porn before bed, and Nate and Lisa were forced to compare their sex life to that of their frisky friends. In this episode, sex was under every rock, and then finally, on top of one.

FROM SESAME STREET TO THE STRIP

Who says Salon's resident television critic doesn't have range? On Monday, she celebrated the premiere of the 34th season of the ageless wonder that is PBS' "Sesame Street." Then on Tuesday, she reviewed Lucky the new Vegas-based John Corbett comedy on FX. I'm betting she goes for the kids show over the gamblefest.

CHAMPS A L'ORANGE

After 27 years of coaching Syracuse basketball, Jim Boeheim finally has his national championship. And a snazzy new hat.



After 1 year of playing college basketball, Carmelo Anthony lead his team to a national championship, made the All-America team, and established himself as a can't-miss pro prospect. I see no reason why he should return for another season. He has nothing left to prove at this level. And that big smile is going to land him some major endorsement contracts.



So another phenomenal NCAA Tournament comes to an end. One more shining moment. Now I actually have to go back to living my life. To quote Bill Murray as John Winger from "Stripes" after he lost his job, his car, and his girlfriend, "And then depression set in..."

THE FINAL GAME

[2] Kansas vs [3] Syracuse
9:18 PM ET New Orleans, LA

Kansas and Syracuse meet tonight in the Final Two after the Jayhawks smelted the Golden Eagles and the Orangemen hooked the 'Horns in the semis. All but one of the ESPN Experts are picking Kansas in tonight's final. Maybe this is my heart talking because I want to see Jim Boehiem get his first national championship before Roy Williams, but I think Kansas played to perfection against Marquette and won't be able to duplicate the performance against Syracuse. While Texas didn't have anybody to stop Carmelo Anthony, Keith Langford will be given the task this evening. But, I'm with Andy Katz in wondering if anybody in college basketball can stop that manchild. With all those talented freshmen and sophomores, what if Syracuse wins tonight and everyone comes back next year? Could they possibly join the list of College Basketball's Greatest Teams?

Pick: Syracuse