A CRASH COURSE IN COMEDY

Not much gets me blogging these days, but here I am, so something must be up. I take my comedy very seriously. Even silly comedy. Last night, I ventured out to the Arclight to see "Wedding Crashers." Being a fan of both Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, I knew there would be some big laughs. And there were. However, the movie is sloppy. David Dobkin directed. I never saw his earlier efforts "Clay Pigeons" and "Shanghai Knights," but I suspect I would have been equally as frustrated with his work.

Right off the bat, there's a funny montage of Vaughn and Wilson crashing weddings, but it comes too soon in the movie. The audience needed another few minutes of getting to know Vince and Owen's characters (we already know their personas) before crashing weddings with them. The montage is funny and well-edited, but it's not nearly as satisfying as it should be. And really, that's my main criticism with this movie. Why in the world this thing is two hours long is beyond me. The third act was a mess, with several repeated beats and less laughs then the first two acts. I know that typically happens with a silly comedy when you're trying to wrap up an actual story, but the classic comedies, the ones we never forget, keep us laughing all the way to the end. You could feel the steam seeping out of the film, and consequently, out of the audience, as the story limped toward it's predictable conculsion. And I liked the predictable conclusion! It was cliche, but had a self-awareness about being cliche. It just took too long to get there once we knew where it was going.

I think Will Ferrell is hilarious. But I'm not sure he made me laugh more than once in his surprise cameo. Just like any over-the-top comedian, he needs to be directed.

Although a friend of mine told me I can learn everything I need to know about women from watching "The Notebook," I have yet to see the film. However, I will now, because of the truly adorable Rachel McAdams. I had only seen her play the queen blonde bitch in "Mean Girls," so it took me a scene or two before I recognized her. Once I did, I fell in love with her, right along with Owen's character John. She's cute and hot, not an easy feat to accomplish. And she's smart. It's hard for me to fall for actresses in the movies if there isn't a detectable intelligence behind the eyes. Rachel McAdams has it, and it's going to help make her a gigantic movie star.

Cameron Diaz walked out of the theater behind us, looking gorgeous in that "I'm just a regular girl kind of way." It's the fourth time I've seen her in public, and I've never been disappointed. I just hope she never stars in a movie that David Dobkin directs.

FALLING ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL

Man, it's been a long time since I posted something. Not to say I'm too broken up about it. Occasionally, friends will email me and say that they're appalled by my lack of bloggerly discipline, but I never fooled myself into thinking I was one of those everyday bloggers who wake up in the morning driven to blog. In fact, I'm up right now, but my brain is all mushy and my body is tired, and I can't think of a single interesting thing to say. Haven't had any coffee or food or interaction with the world yet. Just wanted to post something so this Piker thing didn't fully decay and die. Maybe after I get some stimulation, I'll form a thought or two and post again. Who am I kidding? At this rate, my next post should land somewhere around Labor Day.

Drop whatever plans you guys had on Tuesday, May 10th at 9:30 pm, and tune into NBC for an episode of "Will & Grace" with my name on it. I wouldn't go so far as to say I wrote it, but it will say Written By...

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO... ZZZZZ

Here it is Oscar Sunday and there is absolutely no buzz about tonight's Academy Awards. The only true curiosity lies in whether or not Martin Scorsese finally wins a Best Director statuette. Count me among his many fans. I think, like me, many people would like to see him win, but it's hard to root passionately for his good-not-great epic The Aviator. Besides the Aviator/Million Dollar Baby divide for Best Picture and the Scorsese/Eastwood question in Best Director, it feels like the winners are already penciled in. I suppose we could be thrown a curveball or two tonight, but I anticipate the awards will hold true to form. That's why there's very little excitement surrounding this evening's self-congratulatory kudofest. It's also why I'm not even going to bother to post my picks. Don't care. I'm just hoping Chris Rock is funny and offends a few people to keep it interesting.

Checking my Oscar prediction picks from the day before nominations were announced, I'd say my performance was so-so. My picks were solid, but it felt like whenever I zigged, the Academy zagged. In predicting the nominees for the Big Eight categories, I was only perfect in one -- Best Actress -- and had no fewer than three in each category. Overall, I went 29 out of 40. Not bad, not great.

Last week, I turned in my ballot for Producers Game 2005, attempting once again to forecast the upcoming year in movies. Looks to be a really strong year for studio movies. I'll be posting my ballot along with my 2004 wrap-up sometime this week. I know you all can't wait.

Have a glitzy and glamorous evening.

KIRCHNER

Sometimes you meet people who strike you as complete originals. They're usually the best kind of humans, and certainly the most entertaining. My friend Dave Kirchner is just such a person. All I have to do is hear his name mentioned or think about him and I smile or laugh. New York magazine recently did a profile on Kirchner for its real estate section. You have to read this hilarious story. Of course, it's even more funny if you know the guy. Best case scenario is you actually get to meet him and hear him tell the story. I've heard it several times, in great detail, and I doubt I'll ever get tired of it. Enjoy the uniqueness that is Dave Kirchner.

OSCAR EVE

Tis the night before nominations. Oscar takes center stage in the wee hours of the West Coast morning tomorrow. I've been rather obsessed with the race for the Academy Awards the past few years. I honestly don't know why. Scratching the surface, the answer could have something to do with my innate love of listmaking. Digger a little deeper, it could be related to an unyielding quest to take the temperature of the cultural zeitgeist. Drilling to the core, the chase for a coveted Academy Award nomination represents something real within me that longs for the ultimate recognition from the industry I'm attempting to ply my trade in.

Geekily, I've been keeping a running list of my predictions for Best Picture since the middle of November. The list has evolved as I've seen more of the movies and as buzz has shifted. We'll begin with my current Oscar Eve educated guesses:

BEST PICTURE PICKS
1/24/05

THE AVIATOR
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
SIDEWAYS
FINDING NEVERLAND
HOTEL RWANDA

Stiffed: ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

For over a month, my picks went unchanged. From 12/7/05 to 1/13/05, RAY was the choice for the last slot, but that was before I saw HOTEL RWANDA, which was unquestionably the more powerful movie of the two. I think the Academy will agree.

From 11/30/04 to 12/7/05, I believed PHANTOM OF THE OPERA was close to a lock, and FINDING NEVERLAND would knock out RAY from the final nomination.

And finally, from 11/19/04 to 11/30/04, before MILLION DOLLAR BABY made a strong move to the inside, my picks looked like this:

THE AVIATOR
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
SIDEWAYS
FINDING NEVERLAND
KINSEY


My predictions for the rest of the major categories:

BEST DIRECTOR

MARTIN SCORSESE - The Aviator
CLINT EASTWOOD - Million Dollar Baby
ALEXANDER PAYNE - Sideways
MARC FORSTER - Finding Neverland
MICHAEL MANN - Collateral

Stiffed: MICHAEL GONDRY - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind


BEST ACTOR

JAMIE FOXX - Ray
LEONARDO DICAPRIO - The Aviator
PAUL GIAMATTI - Sideways
JAVIER BARDEM - The Sea Inside
DON CHEADLE - Hotel Rwanda

Stiffed: JOHNNY DEPP - Finding Neverland, CLINT EASTWOOD - Million Dollar Baby


BEST ACTRESS

HILARY SWANK - Million Dollar Baby
IMELDA STAUNTON - Vera Drake
ANNETTE BENING - Being Julia
KATE WINSLET - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
CATALINA SANDRINO MORENO - Maria Full of Grace

Stiffed: No one


BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

THOMAS HAYDEN CHURCH - Sideways
MORGAN FREEMAN - Million Dollar Baby
CLIVE OWEN - Closer
PETER SARSGAARD - Kinsey
FREDDIE HIGHMORE - Finding Neverland

Stiffed: JAMIE FOXX - Collateral


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

CATE BLANCHETT - The Aviator
VIRGINIA MADSEN - Sideways
NATALIE PORTMAN - Closer
LAURA LINNEY - Kinsey
MERYL STREEP - The Manchurian Candidate

Stiffed: SOPHIE OKONEDO - Hotel Rwanda, KATE WINSLET - Finding Neverland


BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

CHARLIE KAUFMAN - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
JOHN LOGAN - The Aviator
BILL CONDON - Kinsey
PEDRO ALMODOVAR - Bad Education
BRAD BIRD - The Incredibles


BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

ALEXANDER PAYNE & JIM TAYLOR - Sideways
PAUL HAGGIS - Million Dollar Baby
DAVID MAGEE - Finding Neverland
PATRICK MARBER - Closer
JOSE RIVERA - The Motorcycle Diaries


The chase ends tomorrow morning. I'm actually relieved. My mind can stop working on the speculation of nominations and move on to more important matters. I always find that after the nominations are announced, I lose interest until the week leading up to awards when I have to make my Oscar Pool picks.

YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST, FOLKS!

The hottest couple in the world -- Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston -- are officially over! Their publicist confirmed they took at trip to Splitsville and never came back. Reading over the article, I was surprised to learn that they originally met on a blind date. That reminded me that I had a blind date scheduled for this evening, but it was canceled on account of rain. Oh, what might have been...

So, now that Brad and Jen are done, the most important question has got to be... Who is now the hottest couple in the world? Could it be Anna Kournivova and Enrique Iglesias? Nah. Physcially, they're certainly on fire, but she doesn't even play tennis anymore and I'm not sure what the hell he does besides her. Nick and Jessica are lame. J-Lo's hot, but Marc Anthony's not. J-Garner is hot, but Affleck has certainly seen his better days. SJP and Matthew Broderick? Pleeease... Could be Jude Law and Siena Miller. Could be Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. If somebody pinned me down and forced me to submit my ballot right now, I suppose I'd have to cast my vote for Derek Jeter and Scarlett Johansson. But maybe, just maybe, the hottest couple in the world is now Flav-O-Flav and Brigette Nielson.

YEAR NEW HAPPY

Everything has just gone completely goofy in 2005. What the hell is going on? Are you guys freaking out too? I mean, it was as if one moment we were counting down -- backwards, I might add -- and then all of a sudden -- bam! -- just like that, it's a new year. Everything changed in an instant. Black is white. White is black. !upside-down is world The