A DAY IN THE LIFE OF PIKER

I read the blog today, oh boy

I'm not sure if you people know this or not, but Piker doesn't have the greatest work ethic in the world. Even when Piker is working, Piker is not really working that hard. But today, Piker was and is still... working. Notice how Piker has now taken to referring to itself in the third person? Anyway, Piker transitioned from "Watching Ellie" (which premieres this Tuesday, April 15) to a pilot called "Rubbing Charlie." So now Piker is involved with both watching Ellie and rubbing Charlie. Wait a second...

So, this is actually the first break Piker has had today. Piker got a call on the supersecret Pikerphone while driving to work. Apparently, Piker's Boss needed Piker, but when Piker got here, Piker's Boss didn't need Piker anymore. As it turned out, Piker's Boss became confused when looking at yesterday's draft and thinking it was today's draft. In the interim, someone handed Piker's Boss today's draft and the confusion was cleared up before Piker could navigate the morning rush hour traffic and park the Pikermobile. But, ever since Piker walked through the door, Piker has been working. Piker's Boss needed to make a last minute change to the script, so Piker had to type that up and distribute it to the proper parties. Then Piker sat in on the table read, at which Piker laughed out loud a few times and was overall quite entertained. Then Piker had to sit in the corner and commit to paper everything that was said while the network gave notes to Piker's Boss. Then Piker moved slightly closer to the table after the network folks took off and the studio people took their turn at giving notes to Piker's Boss, but Piker still had to record every word that was uttered. After that, Piker had to quickly type up the notes and hand them out to Piker's Boss and the visiting writers who were helping out Piker's Boss. Then Piker sat in on the several-hours-long yet fairly amusing writers meeting and once again took down everything that everybody said. (Note: During that time there was a slight break for lunch, at which the writers ate some fancy Italian food while Piker suffered through a meal of bulk-ordered Panda Express.) After the writers had gone through the entire script, Piker's Boss let them go and Piker sat down to type up all the notes from the several-hours-long writers meeting. After having a colleague proofread the typed-up notes, Piker then handed said notes to Piker's Boss. Since that time, Piker has been attempting to complete the process of clearing the character names with the research and legal departments and filling in on the phones when Piker's co-workers were too swamped to pick it up. Otherwise, it's not really Piker's job to answer phones. But, that's the kind of piker that Piker is. And right now, Piker is a piker on hold, waiting for Piker's Boss to communicate when the script changes will be done, whether tonight or sometime this weekend. Exactly when that will happen is any piker's guess.

I'd love to turn you on...

CAN'T CATCH HIM

Premiere magazine's 2003 Power List is out and Steven Spielberg is #1. Spielberg was #6 last year, but took over the top spot after directing two hits this past year with "Minority Report" and "Catch Me If You Can." The Power List issue hits newsstands on Monday, but you wouldn't know anything about The List is you visited the lame Premiere site. Though I conducted a fairly thorough search, I was unable to locate the entire list anywhere. But through various articles, I was able to put together a list of 20 confirmed spots.

#1 - Steven Spielberg
#13 - Tom Hanks
#14 - Tom Cruise
#15 - Mel Gibson
#16 - Julia Roberts
#18 - Brian Grazer
#19 - Jerry Bruckheimer
#20 - Peter Jackson
#21 - M. Night Shyamalan
#26 - Ron Howard
#27 - Andy and Larry Wachowski
#28 - Denzel Washington
#31 - Nicole Kidman
#32 - Reese Witherspoon
#47 - Jennifer Lopez
#63 - Renee Zellweger
#74 - Jack Nicholson
#96 - Halle Berry
#98 - Colin Ferrell
#99 - Kate Hudson

Where's Piker?

I AM NOT A RAGBAG!

Entry: miser
Function: noun
Definition: hoarder
Concept: financial entity
Source: Roget's Interactive Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.0.0)
Copyright © 2003 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Synonyms: Shylock, cheapskate, churl, curmudgeon, glutton, harpy, hoarder, hog, hunks, misanthrope, misanthropist, moneygrubber, muckworm, niggard, penny pincher, pig, piker, pinchfist, pinchpenny, screw, scrimp, scrooge, skinflint, stiff, tightwad

Entry: vagabond
Function: noun
Definition: wanderer
Concept: unsocial entity
Source: Roget's Interactive Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.0.0)
Copyright © 2003 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Synonyms: arab, beachcomber, beggar, bum, deadbeat, derelict, down-and-out, drifter, floater, gypsy, hobo, idler, itinerant, loafer, migrant, nomad, outcast, piker, ragbag, rascal, road agent, rogue, rolling stone, rover, stiff, stray, street arab, stumblebum, tramp, transient, traveller, vagrant, wayfarer

EVERYBODY LOVES A CRITIC

Salon must really love their new TV and entertainment correspondent. They've run a piece of hers nearly every day this week. Today, she raves about "Everybody Loves Raymond" and interviews the show's creator Phil Rosenthal. If you haven't been following these Salon links and clicking through the quick ad they force you to view for total access, you should start doing so. Not only is her writing insightful and entertaining, but she'll save you a whole lot of wasteful channel surfing time. If you let her.

24/6

"24" rebounded in a big way last night. I thought last week's episode was weak, a placeholder segment that felt like it was running in place, and not even on a treadmill. But the show returned to form this week. I enjoyed the smoky gunfight and the developing bond between Kiefer and Cate. And what a great ending. Almost Yoda-like. "In-side......."

But, even when "24" is at its peak, it is still only the second best show currently airing original episodes. I missed the "Six Feet Under" episode that aired on Sunday, but I thankfully I caught it last night. "SFU" consistently operates at the very highest level and continues to display more insight into relationships than most super-therapists. That initial atom-splitting spark of new love is in the room with Claire and Russell in every scene, complete with artistic awkwardness and the ongoing mystery as to Russell's ultimate sexuality. The budding friendship which could turn into something more between Ruth and her new housemate Arthur is highly original and weird and infinitely amusing. Their scenes contain more laughs than the majority of sitcoms on television nowadays. Not much David and Keith this week, but the one scene of them chatting in bed about the girls they used to sleep with made me laugh and cringe and admire the writing and the acting and the reality of it all. The Nate and Lisa stuff was simply inspired, with their passive-aggressive banter finally boiling over on their private walk in the woods during a camping trip. Claire de-virginized Russell, Ruth and Arthur scampered out of the room after accidentally catching a moment of porn on the tube, David and Keith routinely popped in some porn before bed, and Nate and Lisa were forced to compare their sex life to that of their frisky friends. In this episode, sex was under every rock, and then finally, on top of one.

FROM SESAME STREET TO THE STRIP

Who says Salon's resident television critic doesn't have range? On Monday, she celebrated the premiere of the 34th season of the ageless wonder that is PBS' "Sesame Street." Then on Tuesday, she reviewed Lucky the new Vegas-based John Corbett comedy on FX. I'm betting she goes for the kids show over the gamblefest.

CHAMPS A L'ORANGE

After 27 years of coaching Syracuse basketball, Jim Boeheim finally has his national championship. And a snazzy new hat.



After 1 year of playing college basketball, Carmelo Anthony lead his team to a national championship, made the All-America team, and established himself as a can't-miss pro prospect. I see no reason why he should return for another season. He has nothing left to prove at this level. And that big smile is going to land him some major endorsement contracts.



So another phenomenal NCAA Tournament comes to an end. One more shining moment. Now I actually have to go back to living my life. To quote Bill Murray as John Winger from "Stripes" after he lost his job, his car, and his girlfriend, "And then depression set in..."

THE FINAL GAME

[2] Kansas vs [3] Syracuse
9:18 PM ET New Orleans, LA

Kansas and Syracuse meet tonight in the Final Two after the Jayhawks smelted the Golden Eagles and the Orangemen hooked the 'Horns in the semis. All but one of the ESPN Experts are picking Kansas in tonight's final. Maybe this is my heart talking because I want to see Jim Boehiem get his first national championship before Roy Williams, but I think Kansas played to perfection against Marquette and won't be able to duplicate the performance against Syracuse. While Texas didn't have anybody to stop Carmelo Anthony, Keith Langford will be given the task this evening. But, I'm with Andy Katz in wondering if anybody in college basketball can stop that manchild. With all those talented freshmen and sophomores, what if Syracuse wins tonight and everyone comes back next year? Could they possibly join the list of College Basketball's Greatest Teams?

Pick: Syracuse

JUMPIN' JETER

Pending a second opinion by world-renown orthopedist Dr. James Andrews, Derek Jeter will not need surgery on his dislocated left shoulder. Fantastic news for Yankee fans the world over!

FINAL FOUR FEVER

Dick Clark vs. Walter Cronkite. Bob Dole vs. Chris Farley. Confused? Check out this fact sheet for the Final Four teams for an explanation.

"AMERICAN IDOL": THE VIDEO GAME

Coming this fall, PC and PlayStation 2 gamers will be able to create, train, and control characters to compete in the video game version of "American Idol". Players have to hit a combination of buttons to make the video performers dance and sing before they submit themselves to commentary and criticism from judges Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell, just like on the TV version of "American Idol". From the description, it sounds to me like a combination of The Sims and Dance Dance Revolution U.S.A.

ALL-AMERICAN

The Associated Press announced their AP All-America Team today. David West of Xavier was the leading vote-getter and the only one from the preseason All-America team to be named to the postseason team. Hollis Price was sixth in the voting, Carmelo Anthony was seventh. Only three underclassman out of the fifteen players on the three All-America teams. Each team in the Final Four is represented by at least one player, three on the First Team, one on the Second Team, one on the Third Team.

FIRST TEAM

David West, Xavier, senior
Nick Collison, Kansas, senior
Josh Howard, Wake Forest, senior
Dwayne Wade, Marquette, junior
T.J. Ford, Texas, sophomore

SECOND TEAM

Hollis Price, Oklahoma, senior
Kyle Korver, Creighton, senior
Troy Bell, Boston College, senior
Jason Gardner, Arizona, senior
Carmelo Anthony, Syracuse, freshman

THIRD TEAM

Brian Cook, Illinois, senior
Reece Gaines, Louisville, senior
Kirk Hinrich, Kansas, senior
Keith Bogans, Kentucky, senior
Ron Slay, Tennessee, senior

"AMERICAN LIFE"

Pop diva and Material Girl Madonna made the difficult decision to pull her new video "American Life" before it aired here in America. The video, scheduled to premiere tomorrow on VH1, had already aired in Germany, but on Monday, Madonna issued the following statement:

"I have decided not to release my new video. It was filmed before the war started and I do not believe it is appropriate to air it at this time. Due to the volatile state of the world and out of sensitivity and respect to the armed forces, who I support and pray for, I do not want to risk offending anyone who might misinterpret the meaning of this video."

My absolute favorite writer for Salon currently has a cover story on the subject entitled "The Madonna Video You Can't See." Read it.

You want to see the video?

B-BALL BUSINESS

Some mid-week hoops news. The Matt Doherty Era is over in Carolina. The Tarheels' head coach resigned after three seasons. Speculation on who will succeed him has unearthed a distinguished and accomplished list of potential candidates -- including Kansas coach Roy Williams, Stanford coach Mike Montgomery, Utah coach Rick Majerus, Oklahoma coach Kelvin Sampson, and Milwaukee Bucks coach George Karl. Dickie V weighs in. Meanwhile, it looks like a done deal here in LA. It is expected that Pittsburgh head coach Ben Howland will be introduced as the new coach of the UCLA Bruins as early as tomorrow. And finally... Dominique Wilkins, the Human Highlight Film himself, interviewed for the vacant head coaching job at Georgia.

It's an All-Big East final in the NIT with Georgetown and St. John's meeting in The Garden for the title.

Andy Katz on why the tournament is so special.

BLOGGIN' BASEBALL

The 2003 baseball season is officially underway and Peter Gammons believes that after seeing the Angles and the Twins battling it out in the ALCS and then the Angels winning the World Series over the Giants last year, most of the teams in the league can hold out some legitimate hope of reaching the postseason this year.



The Yankees won their opener yesterday 8-4 over the Blue Jays, but it was a costly win, as the Yanks lost superstar shortstop Derek Jeter to a dislocated shoulder on a freak play at third. They're optimistically saying he should be out six weeks. The Bronx Bombers took it out on the Blue Jays today, pounding them 10-1.



With their exorbitant payroll, the Yankees have to expect to get back to the playoffs. But, according to ESPN's expert predictions, the Oakland A's are the team to beat. Of their 27 experts, 11 think the A's will be champs, 4 think it'll be the Red Sox, 3 votes each for the Yankees and Diamondbacks, 2 votes each for the Giants and Cardinals, one guy picks the Astros, and one guy picks the Twins. So, out of all those experts, no one thinks the Angels will repeat?

AND THEN THERE WERE FOUR

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

The Elite 8 has not been kind to #1 seeds thus far. Yesterday, the Marquette Golden Eagles continued their improbable and impressive run by soundly defeating tournament favorite Kentucky and booking their trip to New Orleans for the Final Four. Make no mistake, this was the biggest upset of the tournament, but what was more surprising was the manner in which they did it. The Golden Eagles never even let Kentucky get a whiff of a comeback in the second half, leading by as many as 22 points and winning by 14 in snapping Kentucky's 26-game win streak. Dwayne Wade turned in the best individual performance of the tourney, recording a triple-double (29 points, 11 rebounds, 11 assists) in addition to 4 blocks, 1 steal, and a bunch of monster dunks. Usually, when a team gets such an oustanding contribution from its star, the star tends to overshadow the team a bit, but this was unquestionably the best team effort in any game of this tournament. Marquette has made a believer out of me. I now think they can win it all.

And in the West Region, the news wasn't much better for #1 seed Arizona. In a game of streaks and spurts, the Kansas Jayhawks atoned for an embarrassing collapse against Arizona during the regular season and achieved their revenge by eliminating the Wildcats in the Elite 8 and cutting down the nets as the winner of the tough West bracket. Kirk Hinrich showed up and had a great game, scoring 28 points, playing inspired defense, and lending his team confidence and senior leadership. It was a fantastic game that I really didn't want to see end. I wanted Jason Gardner to knock down the clutch three as time was running out to send the game into OT, so we could see some more brilliant basketball. So, Roy Williams and Kansas go back to the Final Four for the second straight year and Williams gets yet another shot at his first national championship. But, now they have to deal with the mighty Golden Eagles...

To continue the trend, #3 seed Syracuse is up by ten over #1 seed Oklahoma at the half. The Orangemen are essentially playing in front of a home crowd and have stymied the Sooners so far with their tenacious zone D. Oklahoma is tough though. They went to the Final Four last year, they played in the most difficult conference in America, and they have a star who wants the ball at the end in Hollis Price. This one is going to get a lot closer, but I think 'Cuse will hold on for the upset.

But, the run of knocking out the #1 seed will end in the South, where the Texas Longhorns will beat the Michigan State Spartans in front of a whole bunch of Texans in San Antonio. Michigan State's lack of a true point guard led to a disastrous collapse against Maryland and almost cost them the game. But they survived another day to face Texas, which boasts the best point guard in America in T.J. Ford. And guard play will be the difference in this game as the Spartans attempt to lure the Longhorns into an ugly physical battle, with big guys banging inside and clogging the middle and guys crashing to the floor to scramble for loose balls. Look for T.J. to have a big game and the 'Horns to head for N'awlins.

Pick: Texas

THE ELITE

THE MIDWEST

[3] Marquette vs. [1] Kentucky
{In Progress} Minneapolis, MN

Marquette is up by 19 at the half! Complete shocker. I suppose it's too late to make a pick on this game, but I'm guessing Kentucky will make a run at some point and get back into it. Marquette is so well-coached and solid, I really doubt they're going to let it slip away.

THE WEST

[1] Arizona vs. [2] Kansas
7:05 PM ET Anaheim, CA

The rematch. Kansas wants revenge for letting a huge halftime lead evaporate in a regular season loss to Arizona in Kansas. Both teams are talented as hell, but Arizona is definitely deeper. Nick Collison is coming off the best performance of his career and may need to duplicate it, and get help from Kirk Hinrich if Kansas is going to knock off the #1 seed and advance to the Final Four for the second straight year. My gut feeling is, Arizona has too much firepower and too many options on offense.

Pick: Arizona

On a programming note, CBS sucks. Last night, they screwed up their coverage so badly I was screaming at the TV. In both sets of games, they failed to switch over to or Look-In on close ballgames that were going on during their featured games. First, while we were watching early second half action in the Texas-Connecticut game, Butler was cutting into Oklahoma's lead and making it a game. By the time CBS got around to switching over, we saw Butler have a bad sequence with a minute or so left and the game was over. There were only two games going on at the time! That piker network couldn't even make us feel as if we were a part of both games. Completely dropped the ball. Then, they did it again. During halftime of the Michigan State-Maryland game, the Syracuse-Auburn game was coming down to the end. After a long series of commercials, we went back to the studio for first half analysis of the Spartans and Terrapins, ignoring the other game that was close and getting closer. Then another series of commercials, then back to the Michigan State-Maryland game for some on-court commentary. When we finally checked in with the Syracuse-Auburn game there was less than a minute left and Auburn was scrambling to tie it up. I'm glad we got to see the end and catch the excitement of that game, but why weren't we involved with it all along? It was as if CBS had never covered the event before and was learning on the job. Horrible inefficiency. Extremely frustrating. I can't wait until this current contract expires and ESPN hopefully will take over the gig and do it up right. We need Dickie V and Fowler and, well, I could do without Digger, but my point is, ESPN understands the sports viewer and CBS obviously has no clue. Pikers.

CRAZY EIGHTS

Three more exciting basketball games last night. Oklahoma let Butler back in the game late, but Ebi Ere was on fire and the Sooners never really let us believe that they could get beaten by the Bulldogs. Besides that, the other games seemed to follow a similar pattern. Texas had control until T.J. Ford got into foul trouble with over ten minutes left and Connecticut went on a run to make it a great game. Brandon Mouton hit some big shots for Texas and Ford sank some clutch free throws in the final minute to barely escape the Huskies. In like fashion, Michigan State had complete control of their game until Maryland started putting on the full court press and really rattled the point guard-challenged Spartans. In the end, it was a freshman, Paul Davis, who scored Michigan State's last six points, including the eventual game winner, and the Terps senior guard Steve Blake who missed a potential game-winning three at the buzzer. And in yet another squeaker, Syracuse led most of the game, but Auburn nailed four threes in the final minute and a half to pull within one point. The game appeared to be over after the last three went in, but the refs reviewed it and put three tenths of a second back on the clock. The Orangemen inbounded and the game was over, but if there were thirty seconds left in that game instead of three tenths, the Tigers could have pulled the upset.

DANCIN' ON THE CEILING

Three excellent games last night. Wisconsin scared the living crap out of Kentucky. After losing star guard Keith Bogans to a high ankle sprain in the first half, the Wildcats needed a big effort from the rest of their squad to hold off the pesky Badgers. If Bogans can't go on Saturday, the Marquette Golden Eagles could be headed to the Final Four. That's right, Marquette could be headed to the Final Four! The Golden Eagles broke the game open in the second half, then held off a furious comeback from Pittsburgh to advance to the next round. With three minutes left, the Panthers came roaring back and cut a ten-point deficit to one, but Marquette got a huge hoop from its stud Dwayne Wade with 23 seconds left and sank their free throws down the stretch for the victory. Marquette and Kentucky have played more often than any other matchup in tournament history.

In the only non-competitive game of the evening, Arizona blew out Notre Dame to take its rightful place in the Elite 8. I didn't get to see much of the game because CBS did the right thing by sticking with the Kentucky-Wisconsin nail-biter rather than switching to the Wildcats' destruction over the Fighting Irish. Arizona will take on Kansas in the next round, after the Jayhawks defeated the Duke Blue Devils in a game that lived up to its billing. There were a ton of lead changes, great defense, great coaching, and lots of heart. Unforunately for Duke, freshman marksman J.J. Redick was ice cold. He went 2 for 16 from the field, 1 of 11 from behind the arc, to finish with five points. Every time Duke built a lead, they failed to deliver the knockout punch. If one or two of Redick's treys would have fallen, it could have given Duke the momentum to close it out. In a parallel situation, Kansas got a horrible game from its senior guard Kirk Hinrich, who shot 1 of 9 from the field and 0 for 5 from three-point land. But Nick Collison was tough. The senior forward had the game of his life, scoring 33 points and 18 rebounds, while displaying his oustanding hands, footwork, and touch around the basket, in addition to some courageous stamina. So, while Duke regroups for next season with a slew of returning youngsters, Kansas gets its rematch against Arizona in what should be one helluva game.

Check out Dickie V for a higher energy look at last night's Sweet Sixteen games.

The games start in a half hour and I still have to drive crosstown, so in the interest of time, I'm going to refer you to Andy Katz for a breakdown of tonight's matchups and give you my picks.

THE SOUTH

[5] Connecticut (23-9) vs. [1] Texas (24-6)
7:27 PM ET San Antonio, TX

Texas is essentially playing in front of a home crowd and T.J. Ford was just named ESPN player of the year. Hook 'em, Horns!

Pick: Texas

[6] Maryland (21-9) vs. [7] Michigan State (21-12)
9:57 PM ET San Antonio, TX

This is a great matchup. Maryland is still riding the magic of their buzzer-beating opening round victory over UNC Wilmington and Michigan State just flat-out embarrassed my alma mater Florida in the second round. Using the old adage, of I'm going with the team that beat my team...

Pick: Michigan State

THE EAST

[1] Oklahoma (25-6) vs. [12] Butler (27-5)
7:10 PM ET Albany, NY

I refure to get burned by the Bulldogs again! I think they have a legitimate chance to beat the Sooners, I'm rooting for them, and I'd rather pick them and be wrong than underestimate them one more time.

Pick: Butler

[3] Syracuse (26-5) vs. [10] Auburn (22-11)
9:40 PM ET Albany, NY

Auburn has proven beyond a reasonable doubt that they belong in this tournament, upsetting Saint Joseph's and Wake Forest in the first two rounds. Syracuse looked great in their second half comeback against Oklahoma State in the second round. Carmelo Anthony is a thoroughbred and I love that Gerry McNamara. Plus, they're practically playing in their own backyard.

Pick: Syracuse