SNOOZEFEST 2003

What a boring week for news.

WE KNOW COMEDY

ABC asserted their strong committment to the unfunny today by picking up a total of 10 shows for next season. In addition to "Alias," "The Bachelor," and "The Bachelorette," the network announced pickups for first-year sitcoms "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter," "Life With Bonnie" and "Less Than Perfect"; second-year sitcoms "According to Jim" and "George Lopez"; and stalwart "My Wife and Kids." And, they showed their equally strong committment to quality hard-hitting programming by renewing "America's Funniest Home Videos."

This just in: Comedy writers say the best way to break into comedy writing is... be funny.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, BUT NOT IN HERE

Nearly two weeks after the "Live From the Blogosphere" panel, the LA Times decided to run a piece on the event, called "Into the Blog". The story is a very basic account of the evening, containing no actual insight "into the blog", and such a narrow perspective, you'd think the bloggers on the panel were the only ones who knew how to type. The only tidbit I liked was the comparison of the "brainy and sexy" Rabbit to Agent Scully. But, honestly, anyone who knows the Rabbit personally, knows that she would whip Scully's ass in a brainy and sexy contest. This article is two dollars short and two weeks too late. It was covered in greater detail and with more flair on a host of blogs during and immediately following the festivities. With this kind of reporting from the LA Times, I think I'll take the advice put forth in the last line of the anemic article:

"Tonight, a community. Tomorrow, an empire. But for now, boot up and read about it on a blog."

Come on, guy.

SAY IT AIN'T SO, JOE

Fox announced plans today to unleash a second installment of mega-hit "Joe Millionaire". This should not come as a shock to anyone. Although logic would dictate that the sly network could only pull of the gigantic prank once, the ratings were just too damned good not to try it again. The finale scored numbers in the same league as the Academy Awards and propeled Fox to a surprise sweeps win in the coveted adults 18-49 demographic. They have to do another one. If they don't, it would be the equivalent of a movie studio failing to make a sequel to a huge summer smash that screamed franchise. It would be like riding Space Mountain for the first time and never going on it again. It would be like going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell at three in the morning after a night of serious partying and only ordering a single beef supreme chalupa.

Now, if they can somehow manage to cast some interesting people, hire a talented editor, and dream up a more clever twist, "Joe Millionaire II" might be worth watching.

THIS IS A NIGHT FOR AMERICANS! AND A DAY FOR DANIEL

After winning the BAFTA award for Best Actor for his role in "Gangs of New York," Oscar front-runner and notorious nutbar Daniel Day-Lewis is giving in. He has agreed to follow up his cutting edge turn as Bill the Butcher with yet another acting gig, a family drama that will be a family affair. His wife, Rebecca Miller, daughter of famed playwright Arthur Miller, co-wrote the script and will direct the Academy Award winner in "Rose and the Snake."

Daniel Day comes clean in a decent Rolling Stone interview.

PUSHING JUNK

I'm in the midst of trying to kick my reality TV habit while network programmers plan a forced overdose. They're like drug dealers handing out free samples, knowing full well that I lack the will power to resist. But am I killing my own career by watching?

PUSHING THE RIGHT BUTTONS

For some time now I've been touting a film column called The Hot Button. This weekend I finally got to meet the man behind the column and I can thankfully report that David Poland is as engaging and entertaining in person as he is on the page. Today's Hot Button contains mentions of both Fox's Master and Commander move and the impromptu bash I sort of co-hosted this weekend. Accompanying David was Movie City News film columnist Ray Pride, who proved to be a veritable font of film knowledge and all-around fun guy. His column, Pride Unprejudiced is now on my must-read list. Newcomers to that list also include Luke Ford, Mickey Kaus, and James Lileks. But I still love my mainstays -- Rabbit Blog, Ken Layne, Matt Welch, Emmanuelle Richard, and Tony Pierce, who were all representing at said bash, styling and profiling as usual.

PUSH IT BACK, PUSH IT BACK, WAY BACK

Thanks to a little release date shuffle, my Master and Commander pick for Best Picture just got a major boost. I'm sure someone at Fox read Piker last week, saw that I thought it had Oscar potential, and decided to better position the film for nominations. Finally, people are starting to pay attention to the Piker.

SATURDAY AT THE SALON

HBO debuted a couple of new late-night shows last night -- "Real Time With Bill Maher" and "Da Ali G Show". I was actually working, if you can believe it, and did not get to see them. Thankfully, the resident TV critic at Salon did. Hey, it's Saturday, so sit back, relax, and read it here. Pamper yourself. You deserve it.

THE PRODUCERS GAME

My Film Geek Friend got me to enter a year-long movie geek game this week. The "Producers Game" is like a fantasy league for movies, where you are asked to forecast the upcoming year in film. You are provided a packet of 2003 Sneaks, which lists almost every movie coming out during the year with loglines, participants, distributors, and likely release dates. You are not confined to choosing from the movies that are listed, so if you uncover an omission in your research, you might attain some form of competitive advantage. Just as in sports fantasy leagues, there are some known quantities, but a lot of it is educated guesswork. So, I read through the packet, did some cursory research, meditated, flipped a few coins, then made my picks. Without much in the way of insider information, I found myself choosing to champion certain movies on sheer instinct alone. After all, the prevailing motto in this town amongst cynics is: "Nobody knows anything." Without furthur adieu, here are the categories and my predictions:


Top Ten Box Office Hits
1. The Matrix: Reloaded
2. The Matrix: Revolutions
3. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
4. The Hulk
5. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
6. Bruce Almighty
7. Finding Nemo
8. Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat
9. The Last Samurai
10. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle

Alternate:
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World


Number One Movie of the Summer
My pick: The Matrix: Reloaded
Reason: Groundbreaking effects. Highly anticipated summer sequel.

Alternate: The Hulk


Number One Christmas Movie
My pick: The Matrix: Revolutions
Reason: Groundbreaking effects. Momentum from Reloaded.

Alternate: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King


Ten Academy Award Nominated Films
(any category acceptable)
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
2. Cold Mountain
3. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
5. The Alamo
6. J.M. Barrie's Neverland
7. Mona Lisa Smile
8. The Matrix: Reloaded
9. The Matrix: Revolutions
10. The Last Samurai

Alternate: Intolerable Cruelty


Five Best Actor/Supporting Actor Nominations
1. Russell Crowe -- Master and Commander
2. Jude Law -- Cold Mountain
3. Philip Seymour Hoffman -- Cold Mountain
4. Jim Carrey -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
5. Dustin Hoffman -- Neverland

Alternate: Cuba Gooding -- Radio


Five Best Actress/Supporting Actress Nominations
1. Julia Roberts -- Mona Lisa Smile
2. Nicole Kidman -- Cold Mountain
3. Kate Winslet -- Neverland
4. Samantha Morton -- In America
5. Gwyneth Paltrow -- Untitled Sylvia Plath Project

Alternate: Keisha Castle-Hughes -- Whale Rider


Best Director Nominations
1. Peter Jackson -- TLOTR: The Return of the King
2. Anthony Minghella -- Cold Mountain
3. Peter Weir -- Master and Commander
4. Andy and Larry Wachowski -- The Matrix: Revolutions
5. Marc Forster -- Neverland

Alternate: Lars Von Trier -- Dogville


Worst Picture Nominated Films (as determined by the Golden Rasberry Awards)
1. From Justin to Kelly
2. The Haunted Mansion
3. Gigli
4. Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
5. Freddy vs. Jason

Alternate: Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights


Best Picture Nominated Films
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
2. Cold Mountain
3. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
4. Neverland
5. Mona Lisa Smile

Alternate: The Alamo


Best Picture
And the winner is: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Reason: Because it's time to annoint Peter Jackson and honor the trilogy.

Alternate: Cold Mountain


You are also encouraged to submit a list of your Top Five Favorite Films of 2002, but that part is optional and doesn't count toward the competition.

My Top Five Favorite Films of 2002
1. Adaptation
2. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
3. The Hours
4. About Schmidt
5. Y Tu Mama Tambien

OUT OF LEFT FIELD... PIKER IN RIGHT FIELD

REALITY REHAB

I took the first step to breaking my reality television habit on Monday night. Instead of staying home to watch the "Joe Millionaire" finale, I went to see a movie instead. Some might say that's just replacing one addiction with another, but it's progress. I didn't even tape it. Of course, I knew My Girl was recording on TiVo and called her as soon as I got home to find out what had happened. When she told me that Evan had picked Zora and the twist was the show cutting them a check for a million bucks, I was glad I didn't watch it. Everyone I know who did watch it said it was boring. And, having watched most of the previous episodes, that doesn't surprise me much. Counting last week's recap show and the first hour of the final episode featuring the girls yapping about their experience, they took what should have been a one hour finale and stretched it into three hours. Plus, the reunion show next week. But, despite that, the ratings were through the roof, with nearly the same amount of viewers tuning in to the finale as last year's Academy Awards ceremony. I'm taking pride in the fact that I cannot be counted amongst that huge chunk of Americans who can say that they saw the finale of "Joe Millionaire."

Instead, I went to go see "The Pianist" and was engaged, engrossed, even mesmerized by the extremely well-executed WWII movie. Adrien Brody, a personal favorite from "Summer of Sam" and "Liberty Heights," gave a vividly sympathetic performance that was vital to the story, which was strictly told from the title character's point-of-view. It's not an easy movie to stomach, but it grabs you, shakes you, and doesn't let you go. Save for the occassional cough, there was absolutely no noise and no talking during the screening. Of course, the Holocaust is such a solemn and monumentally painful subject that it's hard to gear yourself up to go see movies like this, but "The Pianist" is ultimately a story of survival. Unlike most Jews living in Poland at the time, Wladyslaw Szpilman made it out alive, and it was his autobiography that was the basis for the movie. It's important that these kinds of movies keep getting made to remind us of both the potential for great evil and even greater good that lie within us. And they teach us never to forget. We must never forget. I feel like I did something absolutely worthwhile with my Monday evening by seeing this movie and remembering. It was satisfying. Much more so than feeding my addiction by grasping for a voyeuristic thrill and a cheap fix, then hating myself afterwards.

SLOPPY SECONDS

The Hot Button's passion for "Adaptation" is contagious. I finally got around to reading Poland's scene-by-scene breakdown of the film, publsihed in three parts -- Act I, Act II, Act III -- and I caught the fever. I had to see it again. So, this weekend, I saw "Adaptation" at The Grove for the second time. Poland's take on the movie illuminated a level that I sort of missed when I first saw it. I wouldn't say I missed the level entirely, but I didn't delve into it nearly as deeply as Poland's review does. I loved "Adaptation" the first time, and armed with an added layer of understanding and appreciation, I loved it just as much the second time. I overreacted to "The Hours" and placed it above "Adaptation" on my Golden Dozen List for 2002, but "Adaptation" is unquestionably my favorite movie of the year. I would venture to say it's brilliant, especially the screenplay, which should win the Oscar and give the movie its just due. Chris Cooper will probably take home the little bald gold guy for Best Supporting Actor as well. Those wins would be more than justified, given that the best film of 2002 wasn't even nominated for Best Picture.

Warning: Poland's review may be full of insight, but it's also full of proofreading errors. If you've seen the movie once, you'll be able to navigate your way through the mistakes. For instance, when Poland writes "Charlie is dead," you'll figure out that he meant to write "Donald is dead." I wish he would have proofread the piece carefully, because the errors detract from an otherwise outstanding dissection of a complicated film. I still believe it's a worthwhile read. I'm confident you'll want to see the movie again after reading it, unless you're smarter than me and got the whole thing on the first go-round. If you have not seen "Adaptation" yet, I recommend you see it first before reading the spoiler-filled review. And by all means, go see it, the box office take is still far below what it should be for a movie of this quality.

PENIS MYSTERY SOLVED

Using shrewd deductive reasoning, I have concluded that the web page claiming to contain a picture of my penis was a hoax. The penis in the picture does not belong to me. My girlfriend certainly didn't post it. My mom didn't even send it. Some practical joker/hacker somehow made it appear that the email was coming from my mother, but when questioned, my mother didn't know anything about it. I smelled foul play. When I took a closer look at the penis in question, I realized that the web page had been altered to purposely attribute the sad schlong to me. Following some lengthly research, at long last I unearthed the original page. I'm not sure if this Schiffer fellow was responsible for the hoax or not, but my deepest sympathies go out to him if that is indeed a picture of his pathetic putz.

ROTTEN TO THE CORE

On Friday night, a very good film geek friend and Piker enthusiast convinced My Girl and I to attend a midnight movie at The Nuart. The only thing he told us about "The Apple" was that it's so bad it turns deliciously good. Taking his vague description and obvious excitement on faith, we ventured into West L.A. minutes before midnight. Lo and behold, many many more film geeks got wind of the special screening, the first of this campy musical in 20 years! It was a scene. "Dimented and sad, but social." The massive throng waited patiently and in an orderly fashion, as the line wound its way around the corner. Hurriedly, I dropped My Film Geek Friend and My Girl off at the entrance and desperately searched for a parking spot. After finally finding a legitimate place to leave my car, I rushed to find my crew in line. After scanning the entire length of the line, I still had not found them. Then I realized that was the line for the box office! Another line of movie goobers was making its way around the opposite corner of the theater, all the way down the alley, anxiously waiting for the opportunity to enter and score some seats. Luckily, I found My Film Geek Friend (MFGF) and My Girl in the seat line and was reunited with my crew. Just in time too. Apparently, My Film Geek Friend was so amped up by the scene, he was driving My Girl mad, rapidly ranting how we were part of the beginning of something special... the creation of a new Rocky Horror Picture Show phenomenon. At long last, the line began to move and within moments a big-haired big guy was ripping our ticket stubs. MFGF sprinted into the theater and corraled us some prime seats. A few minutes later, the big-haired big guy was standing on the little stage in front of the screen and counting down the top-drawing midnight movies in the Nuart's history, ramping up to the new #1, "The Apple", with a paid attendence of some 350 nerds. Apparently, the big-haired big guy worked very hard to get people to come see this movie and was astonished at just how successful his campaign had been. "How did you people find out?", asked the curious curator. I don't know how everyone else got there, but I sure know that MFGF was responsible for getting My Girl and I into that theater for what turned out to be an incredible movie experience. I now understand why MFGF did not and could not describe the movie to us beyond "It's so bad it's good." "The Apple" is jaw-droppingly rotten, so much so that you can't help but laugh out loud, shake your head, and ask "What were they thinking?" The answer to that question was provided by an opening reel of trailers by Golan-Globus, the producer-director team responsible for "The Apple" and other such dreck, including "Sword of the Barbarians" and "Schizoid." Their intentions were to collect as many overseas movie-going dollars as possible and nothing more. Little did they know, they were unintentionally creating cult classics in the process.

HOT AS HELL

As predicted on this site several days ago, reality TV bottomed out with the debut of "Are You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People." Frankly, I felt a little sick to my stomach after watching the show, like I had done something bad. And I didn't even get to see "Countdown to Hotness," the one hour lead-in to the premiere, which chronicled the audition process. For a well-articulated, professionally-restrained review of this brutally awful show, step lively into the Salon. When they ask you if you want to read the rest of the article, click the Free Day Pass access link, if you're not already a subscribing member.

It's nice to know that America still has its priorities straight, as "Survivor: Amazon" clobbered "Are You Hot?" in the Nielson ratings. The premiere numbers for the latest installment of the fading franchise seemed to indicate that the granddaddy of the current reality TV craze is not dead yet. Personally, I don't have much interest in watching the show anymore. In fact, after suffering through "Are You Hot?" I don't have much interest in watching any reality TV anymore. But, I do have to tune in for the finales of "Joe Millionaire" and "The Bachelorette" this week, if for nothing else than a sense of completion. And, My Girl did just get TiVo...

A TASTY GROOVE: COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

Tenacious D is selling out. In the best way, of course. New Line Cinema has struck a deal with The D to make a feature film and I have a feeling my friend and former housemate Richard Brener had something to do with it. As a matter of fact, when we lived together with three other friends in a giant gaudy house in the Fairfax District, I used to walk down to Largo's on Monday nights for Alternative Comedy night. Frequently, JB and KG would close out the night with one of their hilarious sets. Some nights, I was one of five or six people left in the bar to see it. It's one of the few things I can say I was in on before it blew up. Jack Black is one of the funniest guys working in Hollywood these days and we are in desperate need of some funny film comedies. I'm hoping this one will deliver.

I've also gotten my hopes up that Old School will force me to bust a gut. 'Cause, lord knows, my gut needs a bustin'.

HEY, THAT'S NOT MY PENIS!

My mom sent me this link and asked if my girlfriend posted it.

HI, MY NAME IS PIKER, AND I AM AN ADDICT

My addiction to reality television has reached its peak. On Monday, I watched "Joe Millionaire", despite my constant complaints to anyone who will listen that the show is truly awful in every way. I tuned in because I thought the damn thing was going to come to a climax and we, the audience, would find out which lame girl the lame dude would choose. I also suspected that there would be a twist on a twist, whereby something else would be revealed to top the disclosure that Joe Millionaire is really Joe Liar, a lowly construction worker (moonlighting as an underwear model). Would Evan select Sarah the former fetish film actress? Or would he pick the neurotic, self-conscious Zora, who seems to have psychically known all along that he was keeping a secret? Well, as it turned out, all that was revealed was just how bad television could be, as the entire hour was devoted to a crappy recap of the previous episodes and a cliffhanger ending. After it was over, I wanted to hang myself over a cliff. I was so upset that I watched it. It ruined my night. Yet, I will still watch it next week for the same reasons that I wanted to watch it this week. But I don't know why. I don't like it. I don't get any pleasure out of it. I hate everyone on the show except the butler. It must be the addiction.

I vowed not to watch "American Idol" beyond the first few audition episodes. I loved laughing at the bad singers and didn't really want to jump on the train when it got rolling toward the top ten. But, I got hooked. It became apparent that this time around would be different, featuring a bunch of people who don't look like the American Idol but can sure sing. So I watched it last night and was proven right. The two best performances were turned in by Ruben, an offensive lineman-sized black man with a sweet voice and a gentle spirit, and Kimberly, an overweight black girl with tons of talent. The rest of the show sucked. The good-looking people couldn't sing, couldn't move, and failed to infuse their performances with the slightest bit of soul. One other such contestant who fit the mold, Frenchie, who was set to appear in one of the next two episodes, will not get her chance to strut her stuff. American Idol kicked Frenchie off the show today. Apparently, she posed nude for a Internet porn site a few years back in order to get the money to pay her tuition at Howard University. Frenchie is an amazing singer and word has it that Simon's production company is going to help her career along. But with all of these skeletons in the closet keeping the folks at The Smoking Gun busy, one has to ask, is anyone at these reality shows doing background checks? The very real possibility exists that they are doing the checks and choosing to use the controversy to boost ratings.

I expect the cultural nadir to be reached tomorrow night with the premiere of "Are You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People".

Thank the TV lord for 24.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

OSCAR ODDS

My secret underworld connection just emailed me the early odds for the Oscar races. I cannot divulge my source or my connection's source, but for the sake of pure fun, let's assume both are credible. Please be advised: This site will not be accepting wagers on the event. These odds are for entertainment purposes only.

BEST PICTURE
Chicago............................................................ -250
The Hours......................................................... +250
Gangs of New York......................................... +450
LOTR: The Two Towers.................................. +800
The Pianist........................................................+1400

BEST DIRECTOR 
Martin Scorsese.............................................. -143
Rob Marshall.................................................... +200
Stephen Daldry................................................ +350
Roman Polanski.............................................. +600
Pedro Almodóvar............................................ +1000

BEST ACTOR
Daniel Day-Lewis............................................ -143
Jack Nicholson................................................ +110
Adrien Brody................................................... +500
Nicolas Cage.................................................. +1000
Michael Caine................................................ +1400

BEST ACTRESS
Nicole Kidman................................................ +100
Julianne Moore............................................... +130
Renée Zellweger............................................ +400
Diane Lane..................................................... +550
Salma Hayek.................................................. +1300

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper.................................................. -200
Ed Harris........................................................ +350
Paul Newman................................................ +400
Christopher Walken...................................... +600
John C. Reilly................................................. +1000

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS  
Meryl Streep.................................................. -125
Catherine Zeta-Jones.................................. +110
Julianne Moore............................................. +500
Kathy Bates.................................................. +700
Queen Latifah............................................... +1600