TEMPORARY RELIEF

I just spent the last couple of hours stuffing envelopes. That was a pleasure compared to the task I was assigned earlier in the day. Things are looking up.

I'M IN HELL... TEMPORARILY

This is the worst day of temping I've had so far. My job is to go through this huge stack of contacts and systematically call each starred entry to verify the person's information. Just about every call has some problem or another. The number is disconnected, the person no longer works there, my call cannot be completed as dialed, the office is closed, wrong number, busy signal, hang up, etc. I was instructed to try to establish another contact if the person no longer works there, but most of the time I'm searching for these people through an automated directory. Sometimes I call and they've never even heard of the person I'm looking for. Sometimes they tell me the person hasn't worked there in years. Other times I call and I get the person who inherited the extension of the person I'm looking for and although they're kind of pissed off, they politely tell me that they have no idea who the person is despite periodically getting calls for them. I've only been able to verify a handful of contacts. A few people I contacted have changed addresses A couple of people told me to remove them from the list altogether. The last person I called, clearly not someone at American Express where I was trying to reach, didn't speak any English.

This stack seems endless. I dread every call I make. I can't wait for this day to end. I'm counting the seconds. I miss my life as an unemployed bum.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I WILL SAY
AT MY WORK AND AT MY PLAY

I have been thoroughly entertained as of late. Some sizzling fast-paced television, a bunch of good movies, and lots of exciting sports have kept me happy. Maybe it's a wave of good vibes. Maybe I am easily amused. Maybe I have been enjoying all of this stuff because I have been avoiding the things I really should be doing. Whatever the case may be, this holiday season not only am I thankful for a great girlfriend, fun faithful friends, and a fantastic family, but I am also thankful for quality in cinema, art, music, books, television, sports, cyberspace, travel, architecture, hiking trails, pets, weddings, beach houses, central heat and air conditioning, and a very comfortable bed.

"The Sopranos" episode on Sunday was simply awesome. Quite a rebound from the weak segment a week ago. I have wickedly mixed emotions about the finale. On one hand, I am anxious as hell to see what goes down. There have been so many fuses lit, I can't wait to see which ones explode. On the other hand, I am dreading the emptiness I'm positive I will feel following the 75-minute season ender.

"24" is a show on fire. Kiefer Sutherland continues to blow me away with some of the most astounding acting I've ever seen on television. And, like last season, the show becomes more fun to watch as the plot unravels one hour at a time. I don't know if anyone else has noticed or not, but Elisha Cuthbert, the girl playing Jack Bauer's daughter Kim, has blossomed into a fine young woman. Dennis Haysbert has improved his acting in playing President David Palmer. But it's still hard to buy this presidential regime in light of the great lengths "The West Wing" has gone to in cementing Martin Sheen in my mind as the ultimate Leader of the Free World.

Speaking of Dennis Haysbert... My Girl and I went to see "Far From Heaven" this weekend and we both thought it was outstanding. Actually, "outstanding" was my description. It was sort of my word for the weekend. But My Girl definitely liked it a lot, as evidenced by the fact that she cried at several key points during the movie. The first time, I turned and asked incredulously if she was crying. She get a little mad because she thought I was making fun of her, but I wasn't. I was just surprised that she was crying so early into the movie. I wasn't sure that the movie had earned that much emotion yet. Apparently, it did for My Girl. I thought it was beautiful to look at, full of rich performances, most notably by Julianne Moore, and in all facets, a director's movie. The attention to detail was impressive. From the way the title splashes across the screen to the period costumes and cars to the melodramatic story to the end credits, this movie was a heartfelt homage to the fifties. Kudos to Todd Haynes. And Dennis Haysbert wasn't half bad.

My Girl and I also watched "Harold and Maude" on DVD this weekend. While the movie ranks near the top of my all-time list, My Girl had never seen it before. Well, after she watched it and liked it very much, she remembered that she had seen some of the movie before. She speculated that she tried to watch it in college while under the influence and fell asleep. I love that movie more and more every time I watch it.

I also watched Escape From Alcatraz" on DVD on J-Yoz's strong recommendation. First time I had seen it. I liked the intensity a lot. It's such a straightforward story without much in the way of subplot. Eastwood gets sent to Alcatraz, the Warden's a prick, no one's ever escaped, Eastwood comes up with a plan to escape, gets some help from his buddies, and busts out. However, it is gripping, and I noticed a bunch of little things in the movie that were used later in "The Shawshank Redemption". I think a lot of younger people hold "Shawshank" in such high regard without knowing its lineage. To those people, I would recommend "Alcatraz" and another of my favorites "Stalag 17". I'm wondering, did they close Alcatraz because the real Frank Morris broke out? Did Morris and his buddies escape successfully or did they drown?

MAD SCIENTISTS

Since the beginning of the year, a group of friends of mine have been performing as a comedy troupe called The Ministry of Unknown Science. They are extremely irreverant and snarky and, most importantly, funny. I attended a dress rehearsal of their new "experiment" last night at their headquarters downtown and, as usual, I laughed my ass off. If you want to see them, they are performing this Saturday night at LOSCON 29, which if I heard correctly is L.A.'s largest science fiction convention. If you want to read about them before you see them, follow me... Or you can pick up a copy of the L.A. Weekly when it hits the stands tomorrow. The buzz is just beginning. Jump on this bandwagon before it rolls out of town.

GOOD SPORTS

I have watched a ton of sports over the years and yet I saw something last night that I've never seen before. Monday Night Football showcased the San Francisco 49ers against the Philadelphia Eagles. Last week, the Eagles superstar quarterback Donovan McNabb broke his ankle on the third play of the game, but somehow managed to limp his way through the rest of the game, throwing four touchdown passes in the process, and leading the Eagles to a big win. However, post-game x-rays revealed the fracture and McNabb will most likely be lost to the Eagles until the playoffs. Enter Koy Detmer. The Eagles backup QB was in the national spotlight last night, making his first start in three years against the west division-leading Niners. Detmer proceeded to play a near-flawless game in helping to stake the Philly boys to a big lead in San Fran. But, destiny had something else in store for Koy Detmer on this night. Late in the third quarter, Detmer dropped back to pass and, as he had done all evening, hung tough in the pocket to complete a 24-yard pass play. But he paid the price, taking a shot to the legs from defensive end Chike Okeafor, who threw him down to the turf. Detmer extended his left arm to brace his fall, and in a moment reminiscent of the famous scene of Joe Thiesman's leg getting bent back and broken on a hit from Lawrence Taylor on Monday Night Football, the quarterback's arm twisted awkwardly under the pressure. When they showed the replay repeatedly, you couldn't help but wince, imagining the pain he must have been in. And Detmer showed his pain too, wildly kicking his legs and flailing as he immediatly grabbed his left arm. The referee was compassionately holding him down with one hand while urgently motioning for the trainer with the other. When the trainers finally set the arm in a makeshift cast, helped Detmer to his feet, and sat him down on the cart to be wheeled off, something amazing happened. In a display of nothing short of love, the entire Eagles roster swarmed Detmer with encouraging words, pats on the head, and pure appreciation. Two weeks in a row the Eagles have witnessed tremendous courage and ability from their top two quarterbacks in the face of adversity, and their leadership has helped define the team character of the Eagles. Koy Detmer is known to be a very popular player on the team, one who knows the offense so well he teaches the coaches a few things. But this went beyond popularity. This went beyond being a good teammate and a likable person. Hell, the 49ers defensive team that was on the field wished Detmer well too. No, this was more than just a moment in a game. This transcended sports.

ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDATE ME, MRS. ROBINSON?

Is there a subtlety to Lorraine Bracco's acting that I'm not getting? Is she some sort of genius and I'm the only one who doesn't see it?

I WISH I COULD JUST FUGGEDABOUTIT

Not that it happens very often, but I was extremely disappointed in "The Sopranos" last night. Granted, I had just watched "Citizen Kane" on DVD right before it started, but last night's episode entitled "Calling All Cars" was weak.

Entirely too much screen time was devoted to the Janice-Bobby Bacala-and-his-kids storyline. We've seen manipulative behavior from Janice before, so there was no jolt of surprise in her sending a haunting anonymous IM to Bobby Jr. in order to more solidly entrench herself in their lives. In fact, it was predictable that she was going to pull a stunt like that and it felt repetitive. The seance with AJ and his little hottie and the Bacala kids was long and uneventful, the scene with Bobby and Janice eating dinner in the mall was all right, but in the end, who really gives a shit about Karen's last ziti? I like the character of Bobby and I usually get a kick out of Janice, but maybe I just don't care enough about the subplot to feel much of anything.

You know what else there was too much of? Lorraine Bracco. To paraphrase James Spader's Steff character from "Pretty in Pink", her acting was, is, and always will be nada. She sucks the life out of every scene she's in and that's quite an accomplishment considering most of her scenes are played against James Gandolfini, who expertly continues to craft one of the most fascinating characters in television history. Melfi's a terrible shrink and Bracco's an abominable actress. Kudos to Tony for ditching the therapy! After sitting through yet another session of Dream Analysis 101 and suffering through the most deliberate delivery in the history of acting, I would've hightailed it out of there a hell of a lot faster than he did.

The most interesting stuff involved the escalating tension between the New Jersey family and the New York family, but there just wasn't enough of it. A short scene with Carmine and Johnny Sack and then an uneventful dinner scene with Little Carmine... That's it? Oh, right, a couple of conversations with Silvio about keeping Florida secret and Paulie Walnuts. Not a memorable scene in the bunch. I'm not saying I don't like where this story is headed, but I do feel as though the moments we saw last night could have been used to lay the groundwork for something that took place in the same episode.

The dream sequences were strange and kind of creepy, but we've seen stranger and creepier from this series. They didn't seem to add up to too much either. Of course, we have to assume their purpose is to set up some big revelation in the last two segments of the season. But that's just it, the whole episode felt like setup. Besides finally eating Karen's fuckin' ziti, Tony cutting the therapy cord was the only concrete thing that occurred. But even that feels unfinished. It was as if the producers needed to stall for a night so they could flood the final two with, what I hope will be, the same intensity as the one where Ralphie got whacked. I guess it boils down to the disappointment of knowing this was one of the final three episodes of an otherwise scintillating season.

No Christoper in rehab... No Adrianna... No Meadow... No Furio-Carmela scenes... No Heshie...

It pains me to admit, but as far as I can remember, last night was the first time I was little bored while watching "The Sopranos."

HAD ENOUGH OF THE FUNNY JEWS?

It seems former boss, Seinfeld alum, and dare I say friend Carol Leifer has been quite busy since we last worked together on "The Ellen Show". Makes me feel lazy. But as always, I wish her the best of luck in all her endeavors. By any chance, you hiring, Carol?

RANK THIS

"Seinfeld"
"The Simpsons"
"All in the Family"
"Cheers"
"Taxi"
"M*A*S*H"
"The Larry Sanders Show"
"I Love Lucy"
"Friends"
"The Wonder Years"
"The Dick Van Dyke Show"
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show"

LANGERADO RIDES AGAIN!

JEWISH COMEDY CONNECTIONS CONTINUED

Now that I've completed "Portnoy's Complaint" at long last, I'm finally getting around to all the reading I've been ignoring in the interim. One of the pieces I had been meaning to read was the article on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" in last week's LA Weekly. Right off the bat, it became clear that I was meant to read these things in a particular order:

LARRY DAVID IS THE PHILIP ROTH OF situation comedy, unafraid to reveal just how devious, petty, annoying, argumentative, selfish, boorish and insensitive he can be.

The Jewish comedy chain is taking on a certain clarity for me now. I know Philip Roth didn't invent Jewish humor. Far from it. From Vaudeville to the Catskills to the Friars Club, Jewish comedians have fueled American comedy for over a century. But I believe I can now pinpoint a seachange in the history. Lenny Bruce ushered in a new era of Jewish humor that is much darker in tone and content. Philip Roth built on what Lenny Bruce had started, Woody Allen pushed it even farther, and now Larry David has taken it to yet another level. As the Weekly article colorfully states:

Larry is a one-man universe of bad karma, a human banana peel

I actually have a personal anecdote about a real-life encounter with the eccentric Curb creator and Seinfeld co-creator that illustrates why his show is simply a heightened version of his friction-filled day-to-day existence. In February of 1999, Columbia Pictures was celebrating its 75th anniversary with a film festival at The Cineramadome. "Lawrence of Arabia" was the opening film, it was only running for the first two nights, and I had never seen the classic. So, despite the fact that I didn't have a car at the time, I vowed not to let the opportunity pass me by. I hopped in a cab and had the driver drop me off in front of The Dome. I anxiously walked up to the box office only to discover the show was sold out. Now what? As I was prone to do at the time, I lit up a cigarette and milled outside the theater hoping against hope that I would find some way in or they would release more seats or something. Puffing away, who do I spot but Larry David also milling about outside the glass doors. Somehow I instinctually gleaned from his body language that he was caught in the same predicament I was, only he most likely had a car to make his escape in. As he paced by me, I casually said "Hey, can't you pull some stings and get us some seats?" He grimaced and shrugged and I pushed it a little more: "Just tell them who you are and I bet they let us right in." He said he didn't feel right doing it and I, having nothing to lose, kept nudging: "Then slip 'em a twenty." Larry scoffed, "No, it's too embarrassing." Although I was broke and couldn't even afford to own a car, I countered: "I'll do it." Larry perked up: "Really? You'll do it?" I said "Yeah, I'll do it." He considered it for a moment, then neurotically backed off: "No, we can't do that. We'll get caught." Barry: "We won't get caught" Larry: "No, I can't do it. You do it if you want to, but I can't." Larry strolled away, but stayed in the immediate area, purposefully peering inside. Minutes later, he wandered back over to me and engaged me in a little chit-chat. "So, what do you do? You a writer?" I told him we knew a lot of the same people because I used to work at Castle Rock and I worked in sitcoms and yada, yada, yada... we had established a rapport. We wished each other luck on getting in and that was that. Or so I thought. A few moments later, I see the usher escorting a handicapped person and their companion inside through one of the secondary glass doors. Right behind them, Larry David, sneaking in under the pretense of accompanying the handicapped person. Classic George Costanza. Emboldened by Larry's enterprising delinquency, I decided to make a play of my own. Without a ticket, I approached the usher at the main entrance and pleaded my case. "The box office is sold out and my friends are inside with ticket for me. Can I go in and find them?" After some additional coaxing and desperate facial contortions, the head stickler usher called over a subservient usher named Mario to escort me into the theater to find my friends. As Mario walked me in, I whispered: "Even if I can't find my friends, will you let me stay for the movie?" Under his breath, Mario replied: "Yeah, that guy's a dick anyway." We walked into the The Dome and almost immediately passed Larry David in the walkway between the front section and the balcony. I said, "Larry, hey, you got in?" Larry shot back, "Hey, you did too." Apparently, Mario thought that Larry was the friend I was looking for and left me alone. I asked Larry if he found his friends, he said he hadn't but he was staying for the movie anyway. I found a seat in the balcony, the lights dimmed, and pleased as punch with myself, I watched the first half of "Lawrence of Arabia." At intermission, I saw Larry once again, approached him and queried: "So, what do you think?" "You know, I couldn't sit through the whole thing when I was a teenager and I can't sit through the whole thing now. I'm taking off. I'm going home." Shocked and amused that he went to such great lengths to sneak into a movie that he couldn't even sit through, I laughed and gave him some shit. After a few more minutes of chatting, Larry asked me my name again and wished me luck as a writer. We shook hands, Larry threw his signature scarf around his neck and left the building. I returned to my balcony seat and watched the second half of the 217-minute masterpiece. Still riding the high from my very own Seinfeldian episode, I walked all the way back to my apartment on Formosa from The Cineramadome.

KVETCHFEST

I finished reading Philip Roth's 1967 classic "Portnoy's Complaint" this morning. It very well might be the funniest book I've ever read. The sexually-charged novel about a man in his thirties relating his life story to a psychiatrist is not only a highly influential work in the realm of modern Jewish humor, but the experts consider it one of the century's hundred best novels. Frankly, it surprises me that "Portnoy's" made the Board's list, considering the book is filled with some deeply dark sexual material. But it's a pleasant surprise, as I have no objections to this book being recognized as legendary. I found the neurotic revelations to be both courageous and hysterical, an obvious forefunner to the comedy of Woody Allen and "Seinfeld". I rarely laugh out loud while reading, but this book cracked me up on many occasions and even contained something most comedies fail to deliver, a formidably funny punch line.

CHATTER

Doughty: hey dude
Langerado: tsup...
Doughty: not much, been busy
Doughty: you working same place as last week?
Langerado: yeah. today's the last of it.
Langerado: but, the guy i'm working for called me into his office before the end of work last night and told me how much he likes me and wants to help me out
Doughty: sweet, just remember to ask for the money up front
Langerado: right-o
Doughty: how funny was the Curb finale?
Langerado: i thought it was all right
Langerado: that show doesn't make me laugh that much
Doughty: "You fucking car-wash cunt, I had a dentist appt"
Langerado: i don't find jeff's wife funny
Doughty: you are telling me that you didn't laugh when she walked in as Cheryl was cursing and she went off?
Langerado: too much of a coincidence
Langerado: not organic
Doughty: every episode is like that...completely inorganic
Doughty: always stupid, but always funny
Langerado: i don't love it
Langerado: i want to love it more than i do
Doughty: better than any other sitcom
Langerado: i'm usually left kind of disappointed
Langerado: i watched "raymond" last night for the first time in a season or so -- worst one i've ever seen
Langerado: watched "mind of a married man" on sunday after curb -- could not believe how bad it was
Doughty: that show lost me after about the second one
Langerado: state of comedy on television is dreadful
Langerado: i think this may have been the first "mind of" that i watched in full
Doughty: so this guy gonna hook you up?
Langerado: not necessarily
Langerado: just said he would if he could
Langerado: nice guy
Langerado: very encouraging about writing and the like
Langerado: hey, i had this crazy dream last night about a huge birthday party thrown in my honor
Doughty: and...
Langerado: the dream didn't seem that imporant. what was important was that my eyes popped open at 6:20 to end the dream and while trying to get back to sleep I couldn't shake the feeling that i should get back to acting
Doughty: back to?
Langerado: well, i originally came out here to take acting classes...
Langerado: i continued with the groundlings until i had to give up the class to work in the mailroom at castle rock
Langerado: i've been away from it ever since
Langerado: when i say back to, i mean the idea of acting for a living
Doughty: sounds like a screenplay
Langerado: how so?
Doughty: like a character in a script
Doughty: tossed and turned through the Hollywood carousel
Langerado: maybe i'm too close to it
Langerado: give me an arc
Langerado: or don't...
Doughty: gets lost in the near-miss writing/producing gigs...lands in a dead-end asst position, only to be cast as an out of work srcreenwriter in a perfectly cast spot, finally finds some contentment -- working-class actor
Langerado: not too bad
Doughty: eh
Doughty: you hear anything about Adaptation?
Langerado: buzzing like crazy
Doughty: that's good right?
Langerado: i think it's going to be a great one
Langerado: did you say you loved "igby goes down"?
Doughty: Being John Mal director?
Doughty: liked
Langerado: spike jonze
Doughty: right
Langerado: and writer -- charlie kaufman
Doughty: he did Adaptation?
Langerado: both
Langerado: writer comes off a big hit and is hired by studio to do adapt a book into a screenplay. writer can't do it, winds up writing himself into the screenplay.
Doughty: you think of Shelly Duval song yet?
Langerado: story becomes writer trying to adapt book instead of the book turned into a movie
Langerado: i told you i never recorded it in my brain in the first place
Langerado: i thought igby was pretty awesome
Langerado: snappy dialogue, great cast
Langerado: at the beginning, the tone reminded me of "harold and maude"
Doughty: gave it a 1+
Langerado: that's 3.249999 stars, right?
Doughty: can range from 3 - 3.49999
Langerado: pi?
Doughty: would place it at 3.2
Langerado: igby>pi
Doughty: touch more
Doughty: Mark Cuban on ESPN radio, pretty funny
Langerado: funny because he's legit funny or because he's ridiculous?
Doughty: trying to hold on to gains for day
Doughty: legit
Langerado: isn't that what you try to do every day?
Doughty: no sometimes I am trying to fight out of hole
Langerado: called into office -- chat later
Langerado: peace
Langerado: love ya
Doughty: back atcha

I’S OF THE WORLD

I feel cultured today. And it’s not just the juiced vegetables and fruit smoothie I had for breakfast this morning. The theme for this past weekend was perspective. Various seemingly unrelated activities conspired to remind me of the existential context in which I live my life.

The first lesson in perspective came Friday night while watching “Dancing Outlaw”. Apparently, this 1991 short film about tap dancing hillbilly Jesco White is a cult classic. Previously, I had never seen nor heard of the infamous hick flick. Growing up in South Florida didn’t offer too many opportunities to experience real backwoods folk, and even though I went to school in Gainesville, life revolved around the college and my relatively sheltered experience was extended. Shortly after my Gator tenure came to an end, I moved to Los Angeles. Thus, I am admittedly unfamiliar with the ways of the hayseed. Frankly, the extreme brand of bumpkin freaks me out. It’s so foreign to me. So unlike the existence I’ve known. And while I appreciated “Dancing Outlaw” as a bizarre and entertaining documentary, when confronted with such a pointed portrayal of the reddest of rednecks, I cringed and squirmed and my eyes got heavy. But, for the sake of cultural awareness, I vow to give it another look, with open eyes and an open mind.

“Igby Goes Down” continued the cultural lesson. The bittersweet story of a prep school malcontent provided a glimpse into the world of the rich and dysfunctional. Being neither rich nor particularly dysfunctional, once again I found myself a stranger in a strange story. Poor Igby receives no love from his mother or brother and the only member of his family capable of showing any affection, his father, cracks under the pressure of his weighty life and goes insane. After getting booted out of numerous prep schools and escaping from military school, Igby lands a gig working for his prototypically successful godfather (a polished and slick Jeff Goldblum) in New York City. While in New York, Igby encounters an array of apathetic characters who perpetuate the feeling that nobody gives a shit about him. During the course of the film, Igby gets his ass kicked on three separate occasions and is betrayed in one way or another by almost every character in the film. Aided by a stellar performance by Kieran Culkin, I couldn’t help but feel for Igby. It’s as if you, as an audience member, are responsible for giving him the affection that everyone in his world refuses him. The movie is filled with no less than eight excellent performances by the likes of Claire Danes, Jared Harris, Amanda Peet, Ryan Phillippe, Bill Pullman, and Susan Sarandon, in addition to those previously mentioned. Clearly, these actors were directed well, as no single performance stands outside the story, and it didn’t hurt that they had some really sharp dialogue to work with. It’s a testament to the movie's effectiveness that I left the theater with such compassion for a spoiled little rich kid.

Late late Saturday night, after watching a horrendous episode of Saturday Night Live, My Girl and I stumbled upon an unexpected gem. PBS had signed off for the night and instead of turning into a pumpkin, it became The Discovery Channel, which was rerunning special entitled “Deadliest Job in the World”. It turns out the deadliest job in the world is crab fishing in the Bering Sea during one of the worst storms in eighteen years. Hellish conditions, off-the-charts risk factors, eighteen-hour days, weeks without sleep, and an ever-present threat of death combine to crown this job the champion of shitty jobs. But hey, the money’s good. You want to talk about perspective -- I’m sitting here answering phones for a handful of dollars per hour and I’m thrilled, now that I’ve seen the extreme alternative. Granted, you have to be a thrill seeker to even sign up for the gig in the first place, but some of the behavior these guys were displaying, I don’t know… Forty-foot waves crash down on them, eighty-mile-an-hour winds toss them around, and heavy rains pelt them in the face, while these ultra-rugged macho men stand on the deck trying to maneuver these large cages of bait and crabs in and out of the water. I understand that time is money, but for godsakes, take a break until the storm passes. Time and money don’t really factor into things when you’re dead, do they?

Yesterday was a full day of complete cultural immersion. My Girl, Young Goodman Brown, and I went downtown to the MOCA at California Plaza. Before we entered the museum, we strolled down the street to take in the Frank Gehry-designed Walt Disney Concert Hall, still under construction but nearly complete and fully spectacular. Right off the bat, the museum bested expectations. The permanent collection starts with an exhibit called "Conversations" which is structured as a dialogue between several contemporary artists, including Robert Rauschenberg and Jasper Johns. In my humble opinion, Johns' painting "Map" was the highlight of the exhibit. After disappearing for some time, Young Goodman Brown came back to retrieve us and make us skip ahead to this surreal section where an entire room was dedicated to a work called "Proposal For Monument at Frienship Park, FL". The facade of a wood cabin and it's porch has rocking lawn chairs where you can sit and sift through an extensive collection of southern rock records and then play them on turntables. Of course, being the DJ and all, Young Goodman Brown had to do a little scratchin'. Seconds after he turned to me and said, "Look, man, I'm scratching," the security guard purposefully walked over and stuttered "You can't do that." YGB apologized, but I think he underestimated how much it bothered the stuttering security guard, whose every utterance sounds like a scratched record. In the same room is a bunch of fake rocks and a trash receptacle in the middle with speakers planted inside to play the southern rock records. The most intriguing exhibit was a collection of photographic works by Thomas Struth. There were perspective pictures of roads and cityscapes, stunning shots of nature, and ironic images of people in museums looking at great works of art. While browsing through the exhibit, My Girl wished out loud that there was a movie made up of great shots of buildings and nature set to music. Young Goodman Brown said "There is and tonight's the last night it's showing at The Egyptian Theater. It's called "Baraka".

"Baraka" is breathtaking. The film contains some of the greatest cinematography you will ever see and it's larger than life in 70mm. I know this may be a cop out, but I find the experience incredibly difficult to describe. Shot in 24 countries, the film is like a visual tour of the world, its peoples, and its cultures, and it's quite overwhelming. Suffice it to say that My Girl got exactly what she wanted.

In addition to feeling cultured, I feel well-rounded and literate. I feel like I'm a part of the world. I feel whole. How long can I make it last?

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF LISTY McLISTERSON

Doughty: Qiuz Show / Cape Fear / American Beauty / Being John Malkovich / Eight Men Out / Midnight Run
Langerado: gimme a sec, i'll nail this one
Langerado: 1. American Beauty
Langerado: 2. Midnight Run
Langerado: 3. Being John Malkovich
Langerado: 4. Eight Men Out
Langerado: 5. Cape Fear
Langerado: 6. Quiz Show
Langerado: love the top four
Langerado: like the bottom two
Doughty: similar, but I have one major difference
Doughty: 1. Am Beaut
Doughty: 2. Cape Fear
Doughty: 3. Mid Run
Doughty: 4. Being
Doughty: 5. Eight
Doughty: 6. Quiz
Langerado: you love the cape fear?
Doughty: what's not to love?
Doughty: a movie that has you sympathizing/rooting for a sicko
Doughty: Nolte's finest hour
Langerado: i liked it a lot, i just wouldn't put it that high on that particular list
Langerado: coun-se-lor
Langerado: did you see that clip with the fox news guy screwing up?
Doughty: where he says "blow job"?
Doughty: heard on Howard I think
Doughty: that what you're talking about?
Langerado: yes, that's the one
Langerado: you want me to forward it
Langerado: it's a huge file
Doughty: nah, don't have much room on pc at home
Langerado: cool that
Doughty: true that
Doughty: one more list eh?
Langerado: sure, i've got time for one more before lunch
Doughty: should we venture into "3" territory?
Langerado: whatever you like
Langerado: what were the other ones?
Doughty: 2's except for Overboard, dr det list
Doughty: ok we go to the big boys...
Langerado: midnight run a 2?
Langerado: american beauty a 2?
Doughty: that means 3.5 out of 4
Langerado: lil
Doughty: right, agreed both are strong 3.5's
Langerado: lol
Langerado: lal
Langerado: okay, your system is fucked up and needs to be revised
Doughty: 4-star reserved for all timers
Langerado: fine. but things need to be clearer
Langerado: 2 means 3 and a half stars
Langerado: i don't use math for a living
Langerado: or anything else for that matter
Doughty: doesn't seem so tough
Doughty: yes 2 means 3.5
Langerado: unnecessarily confusing
Langerado: 1 means 4 stars
Langerado: 2 means 3.5 stars
Doughty: no 3 does
Langerado: 3 means 3 stars
Doughty: other way
Langerado: there is no 4
Doughty: 3 is highest rating
Doughty: jeesh
Doughty: you forget that I know you are no dummy in the math world
Doughty: as much as you'd like to be an English freak and nothing about math makes sense
Doughty: can't fool old friends, amigo
Langerado: okay, so 3 is 4 stars
Langerado: 2 is 3.5 stars
Langerado: 1 is 3 stars
Doughty: right, with the caveat that the 1's have two ratings
Doughty: 1 and 1+
Doughty: guess which is higher
Langerado: 1+ is a 5 star movie
Langerado: top of the heap -- all time great
Langerado: a number one
Langerado: plus
Doughty: no
Langerado: 1+ is a 3.25 star
Doughty: yes
Doughty: whew
Doughty: we'll tackle some 3's
Langerado: okay, i just got the okay to go to lunch, so hit me with one more list
Doughty: Goodfellas / Close Encounters / JFK / Manchurian Candidate / Raging Bull / Schindler's List / Wall Street
Langerado: wow
Langerado: big hitters
Doughty: see the difference?
Langerado: yeah
Doughty: and I left out the real heavys
Langerado: 1. Raging Bull
Langerado: 2. Schindler's List
Langerado: 3. Manchurian Candidate
Langerado: 4. Close Encounters
Langerado: 5. Goodfellas
Langerado: 6. JFK
Langerado: 7. Wall Street
Doughty: 1. Schindler
Doughty: 2. Raging
Doughty: 3. Goodfellas
Doughty: 4. Manchurian
Doughty: 5. WallSt
Doughty: 6. JFK
Doughty: 7. CLose Encounters
Langerado: tough list, man
Doughty: not too far off from each other
Langerado: not too far at all
Doughty: wall st last huh?
Langerado: relative to the others -- but i still love the movie
Doughty: ok pikage
Langerado: going to grab a philly cheese steak now
Doughty: have a good weekend
Langerado: u2, buddy
Doughty: adios

ETC., ETC., ETC.

Doughty: rank em:
Langerado: go
Doughty: worldcom, sprint, at&t, mci, pacwest, verizon
Langerado: this isn't my genre, but i'm going for it anyway
Langerado: 1. AT&T 2. Verizon 3. WorldCom 4. Sprint 5. MCI 6. PacWest
Doughty: Worldcom has to be last -- bankrupcy
Langerado: sorry
Langerado: what about the rest of the order
Doughty: Freckles, Dimples, Beauty Mark, Bedroom Eyes
Langerado: well, i know you'd have to rank freckles #1
Doughty: rest was swell
Doughty: actually last
Langerado: i'd say...
Langerado: 1. Bedroom Eyes
Langerado: 2. Beauty Mark
Langerado: 3. Dimples
Langerado: 4. Freckles
Doughty: right on the mark
Doughty: you watch 24?
Langerado: no
Doughty: wing?
Langerado: had a busy night
Langerado: no
Doughty: boococky?
Langerado: wrote with jeff bye for a couple of hours, then hung out with alvarez and my friend drea who is moving back to brazil next month
Doughty: back in a bit
Langerado: giddyap

THE LIST IS LIFE

JODIE: hi ! how are you
Langerado: good. how are you, jod?
JODIE: great!
Langerado: well, that sounds good. why so great?
JODIE: going out for dinner tonight w/ chaunce (he's on howard stern a lot) ya know of him?
JODIE: he's kind of a piker
JODIE: loving Calvin kleain
JODIE: klein..oops
Langerado: how long you been there now/
JODIE: a month...getting so much free clothes!!!!!
JODIE: just came home today w/ 2 jackets
JODIE: what's going on with you?
Langerado: not too much. temping at New Line today.
Langerado: it's been very inconsistent though
Langerado: this is the first day this week i'm working
JODIE: oh
JODIE: yikes!
Langerado: kind of hard to establish a regular schedule
JODIE: how is your "lady"???
Langerado: but, i've been writing and running and i feel like i'm moving forward
Langerado: she's pretty good -- a little stressed about making a living while she's writing her novel
JODIE: forward is better than backwards
Langerado: yup
JODIE: going to see Rules of Attraction on your recomendation
Langerado: i hope you can handle it
JODIE: you see 8 mile yet? it was pretty good
JODIE: oh i just heard that you haen't seen Reg for a dream yet
JODIE: requiem
Langerado: i have not seen requiem. i meant to see it in the theaters, but i didn't, and i haven't really watned to rent it since
Langerado: but i did see 8 mile and thought it was pretty good
JODIE: i love emenim's cd
Langerado: i never liked his music, but that song from the movie is pretty damn good
JODIE: i'm sorry mama
JODIE: rank these albums
Langerado: go
JODIE: outfield play ball
pretty in pink
brian adams..summer of 69
some kind of wonderful
bat out of hell
surfer rosa
JODIE: as per jace
Langerado: some kind of wonderful soundtrack?
JODIE: true that
Langerado: and is summer of '69 the name of the album?
JODIE: c'mon...don't be a piker
Langerado: seriously
JODIE: i think it is
JODIE: go on Amazon
Langerado: the album is called "Reckless"
JODIE: you still at work?
Langerado: ok, here we go...
JODIE: oh yeah
JODIE: ok
Langerado: yeah, still at work, it's only 4:15
Langerado: 1. Pretty In Pink
Langerado: 2. Surfer Rosa
Langerado: 3. Bat Out of Hell
Langerado: 4. Reckless
Langerado: 5. Play Ball
Langerado: 6. Some Kind of Wonderful
JODIE: correct
JODIE: good going
Langerado: really? is that actually the RIGHT answer?
JODIE: yes nice job
JODIE: look it up
Langerado: i'm confused now
JODIE: look in the Almanac
Langerado: in order of quality, right?
Langerado: isn't that subjective?
JODIE: quality yes
Langerado: give me more
JODIE: ok
Langerado: but, be warned, i may publish this conversation on the blog
JODIE: be right back on doughty acct
Langerado: is this jodie or jason?
JODIE signed off at 4:20:36 PM.

Doughty: yo
Doughty: jodie now
Langerado: was that jason?
Langerado: or you?
Doughty: jace is looking through cd's
Doughty: it was jcae
Doughty: now jodie
Langerado: you guys are out of your minds
Doughty: he'll bwe right back..mking lists
Doughty: he is crazy list boy
Langerado: no kidding
Doughty: lists are EVERYWHERE
Doughty: sports rankings, movies, cd's
Langerado: typing LOL is extremely cheesy, but i just laughed out loud
Doughty: just for fun he writes lists
Doughty: lists by his bedside, on the coffe table, in the kitchen (no not in the kitchen..)
Doughty: bye bar..getting in trouble
Langerado: bye jod, thanks for making me laugh
Doughty: Nevermind
Blood Sugar Sex Magic
Nothing Shocking
Achtung Baby
Siamese Dreams
Ten
Live Through This
Langerado: 1. Nothing Shocking
Langerado: 2. Achtung Baby
Langerado: 3. Nevermind
Langerado: 4. Siamese Dreams
Langerado: 5. Blood Sugar Sex Magic
Langerado: 6. Ten
Langerado: 7. Live Through This
Doughty: wrong, thx for playing
Langerado: WRONG?
Doughty: 1. Nevermind
Doughty: 2. Nothing Shocking
Doughty: 3. Siamese Dreams
Doughty: 4. Blood Sugar
Doughty: 5. Live Through This
Doughty: 6. Achtung
Doughty: 7. Ten
Doughty: as much as I hate that murderer C Love -- that album is good
Doughty: hell it was written by Kurt Cobain and Billy Corgan
Doughty: Elizabeth
Bugsy
Eyes Wide Shut
Glengarry Glen Ross
Malcolm X
Saturday Night Fever
Taxi Driver
Thirteen Days...all "2" rated movies from THE list
Langerado: 1. Taxi Driver
Langerado: 2. Glengarry Glen Ross
Langerado: 3. Malcolm X
Langerado: 4. Bugsy
Langerado: 5. Thirteen Days
Langerado: sorry, scratch that
Langerado: 5. Saturday Night Fever
Langerado: 6. Thirteen Days
Langerado: 7. Elizabeth
Langerado: 8. Eyes Wide Shut
Doughty: 1. Sat Night Fever
2. Taxi Driver
3. Bugsy
4. Eyes Wide Shut
5. Glengarry
6. Malcolm X
7. Elizabeth
8. 13 Days
Doughty: interesting
Doughty: Saturday Night Fever pretty low
Doughty: admittedly I like Eyes Wide Shut more than most
Doughty: let's try some 1+'s shall we
Doughty: Sexy Beast
This Boy's Life
Trainspotting
Remember the Titans
Slums of Bev Hills
You Can Count on Me
Election
Doughty: there?
Doughty signed off at 4:53:14 PM.

AND THE DEAD SHALL RISE!

CINEMANIA

At long last, it's that time of the year again. Typically, the last two months of the year contain more quality movies than the rest of the year combined. This year seems to be dutifully following the pattern. I've seen four films in the last week and, in one way or another, I enjoyed them all. That's not to say that they were all great movies, but I found something to like in each of them.

Jackass: The Movie
I haven't laughed that much in a movie theater in a long long time and I've definitely never cringed as much. These guys are easily the most balls-out group of friends around. Most of the stunts and pranks they pull off are things only idiots would try. But these guys really aren't idiots. They're actually quite adept at coming up with schemes to push people's buttons, shock others (and often themselves), as well as challenge the notion that something simply cannot be done. Although I'm defending these lunatics by claiming they're not idiots, I'll call a spade a spade: They are out of their friggin' minds. I was talking about the movie with a fellow film buff and he said it felt like he was watching it in his basement with a group of rowdy friends. The audience audibly reacts in every conceivable way -- howling, screeching, yelling, shrieking, doubling-over, gagging -- and can't help turning to the person sitting next to them and asking "Did you see that?" The film buff said it's the only movie he's ever gone to see where his cell phone rang and he answered it, confident that carrying on a conversation wouldn't bother anyone.

Punch-Drunk Love
I like this movie. I use the present tense because the more I sit with it, the more I like it. It's original in that Paul Thomas Anderson way where the supernatural is present in every day life. It features a unexpectedly layered performance by Adam Sandler as Barry Egan. The movie has Philip Seymour Hoffman and Emily Watson, a couple of actors who are always at the top of their game. The amazing scene with Barry's overbearing and overwhelming sisters all together under one roof is all the character development you need to know why the guy is the way he is. The film, like all of PTA's work, is beautifully shot with incredible music and has that unique element of spontaniety that leaves you with no real clue as to what's going to happen next.

8 Mile
Not a great movie, but a pretty damn good one. Eminem is great in the movie because of two things: he has an abundance of charisma and he was directed extremely well. I flipped over Curtis Hanson's last two movies, LA Confidential and Wonder Boys. What's on the screen reads as a good performance because Hanson did an outstanding job of asking Eminem to do what he was capable of doing and nothing more. The controversial rapper was able to draw on the considerable star quality he already had rather than struggle with the transition to a new medium by having to craft a part like some sort of method actor. And he came out of it smelling like a rose instead of wilting like a half-talented pop star with only handful of acting classes under his belt. I don't even like his music, but "Lose Yourself", the big hit single off the soundtrack, is catchy as hell and accurately frames the movie. The storyline is basic and there are some weak spots, namely a couple of the friends characters and most of Kim Basinger's dialogue, but like Eminem himself, the movie is constantly engaging and forces you to keep watching.

The Rules of Attraction
Brutal, merciless, dazzling. A must see for anybody who loves stylish filmmaking and doesn't require a main character to identify with and root for. Scenes rewind themselves, montages are shown in fast forward, and the entire movie turns out to be a sort of wicked flashback. One character is in love with another character who is in love with somebody else who is in love with yet another. The movie has sex, drugs, and 80s tunes to spare and is by far the most visceral of the three Bret Easton Ellis adaptations. It's a shame this movie was given a wide release and is now considered a bomb because it was never meant for the masses. Lion's Gate should have marketed "The Rules of Attraction" as an art-house film and released it that way so it could generate some buzz instead of being considered a flop. Because now the onus is on the DVD and video release to attract the audience that should have seen this movie in the theater.

Four movies in a week and I liked them all. But, none of them were as good as last night's episode of "The Sopranos".

There are still a multitude of must-see movies in current release and coming soon. Here's my updated list:

NOW PLAYING

Igby Goes Down
Secretary
Far From Heaven
Spirited Away
Auto Focus
Roger Dodger
Bowling For Columbine

COMING SOON

Adaptation
Catch Me If You Can
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
About Schmidt
Gangs of New York
Chicago
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
The Antwone Fischer Story
Narc
The 25th Hour

DUST BUNNIES BE GONE

Television is doing some serious sweeping right about now. The first week of the fall sweeps has been chock full of quality programming. Granted, I have stopped sampling the rather large crop of first-year shows and solidified my viewing schedule by watching shows I know I like, but those shows are currently operating at a very high level.

Saturday Night Live was actually funny this past week with Eric McCormack hosting and Jay-Z as the musical guest. The cold opening with Darrell Hammond as Rudy Guiliani taping his endorsements for the election had a brilliant punchline and set the tone for a particularly irreverant episode. A spoof of "The Bachelor" provided some solid laughs, and I cracked up at a fake commercial for ABC's Tuesday night lineup which features Bonnie Hunt, Jim Belushi, and John Ritter, dubbed "Last Chance Tuesdays." My favorite bit of the night was a skit with three couples playing Celebrity, a game which I've played several times recently with friends whereby everyone writes the names of celebrities and fictional characters down on slips of paper and puts them in a bowl. The couples then take turns giving and receiving, a la "$25,000 Pyramid" and unselfish foreplay, trying to get their partner to say the name of the celebrity. My Girl and I have played twice in the last month or so with the same group of people, but neither one of us had any idea that the game was known outside this little circle. The SNL skit acutely captured the nuances of people's behavior while playing the game, eventually amping up the unavoidable competitiveness for great comedic effect. Both of Jay-Z's performances were excellent, the first one a duet with Lenny Kravitz, the second one a duet with Beyonce Knowles with Lenny on guitar. I was only marginally familiar with Mr. Z's music and was thus highly impressed by the talented rapper. Eric McCormack did a good job, with his best work coming in a courtroom sketch in which he silently played a defendant who keeps interrupting the witness by sounding a bullhorn, pissing off the judge, who was played by Will Forte, an SNL newcomer who I know from my sitcom days.

Sunday night was a tremendous night of television. "The Sopranos" episode entitled "Mergers and Acquisitions" was an outstanding one after a subpar effort last week, appropriately titled "Watching Too Much Television." Carmela strikes back after finding a female fingernail in the house and correctly assuming that Tony is having an affair. Tony hesitates to commit to the affair beyond a one-night stand because he feels like the woman is tainted goods for having slept with Ralph. But the more Tony investigates whether or not the woman slept with Ralph (she claims she didn't), the more it becomes apparent that Ralphie is a hardcore sexual deviant. "Curb Your Enthusiasm" followed "The Sopranos" with its funniest episode of the season, called "Krazee-Eyez Killa". The title character refers to Wanda's professional rapper fiance, who Larry interacts with at a barbecue. In what may be the most hysterical exhange in the show's history, Krazee-Eyez Killa reads Larry some rap lyrics he wrote that morning and asks for Larry's opinion. Larry suggests Killa change a "motherfucker" to "bitch," and the unlikely pair forge a bond, with Killa asking Larry, "Are you my nigga?" Krazee-Eyez confides in Larry that he loves eating girls out and can't get enough, despite the fact that he's engaged, and makes Larry promise not to tell Wanda. In another storyline, Larry tries to replace a sports jacket he wore while filming an earlier scene in the Scorsese movie. Having no idea the jacket was a part of the movie wardrobe, Cheryl threw the jacket out, and now Larry needs it to wear while filming more scenes. In another outrageous scene, Larry goes down to Mitchell's on Melrose to acquire another jacket and miraculously finds an identical one. But, he pisses off the anal retentive store owner, who then refuses to sell him the jacket. Once again, Larry has a stroke of luck when he finds another identical jacket in Krazee-Eyez Killa's closet while taking a tour of his house. At the end of the hilarious scene, Killa gives him the jacket. Larry is so excited he asks Killa, "Are you my caucasian?" Wanda finds out that Killa is cheating on him, even though Larry told Cheryl and Cheryl did not repeat it to Wanda. Krazee-Eyez assumes Larry spilled the beans to Wanda and comes over to the house enraged. Larry tries to hide upstairs, but Killa hears him stepping on bubble wrap and calls him out. Larry insists he didn't say anything, but Krazee-Eyez Killa doesn't believe him and demands Larry give him the jacket back. Seemingly unfazed, Larry performs oral sex on Cheryl and gets a pubic hair stuck in his throat. Larry shows up on the set of the Scorsese movie without the jacket he needs to wear, but the wardrobe woman bails him out by having a backup. Martin Scorsese is left muttering "This guy's gonna kill me. How many more scenes we got with him?" In the middle of filming his scene in the movie, Larry again gags and chokes on the pubic hair.

Instead of recapping Tuesday night's episode of "24" in detail, I just want to comment that the pace continues to be relentless. Kiefer continues to carry the show on his back, but seems to have more help this season. Now that we've been to hell and back with Palmer and Kim on Day 1, there isn't as much of a lull when we leave Kiefer to check in on the secondary plot lines. Apparently, I'm not the only one who feels the show has improved.

Last night Democrats got their fictional revenge for Tuesday night's beating by electing Jed Bartlett to another four years as POTUS on "The West Wing".

I missed "American Dreams" on Sunday night, probably because I started to get bored with the show and my desire to watch it has waned. I still think it's a great premise, but the execution feels soft. However, it appears NBC has great confidence in the freshman show.

There's much more to life than TV though. That's why I badly need TiVO.

Birthday shout out to the most passionate and loyal TV viewer I know and a best friend since fourth grade, J-Yoz. Happy Birthday, Wizard of Yoz!