PIKER PICKS: WEEK 11 RESULTS

The flat out funniest response I ever got to the mundane question, "What's up?" was an expressionless "I can't call it." That's the way I feel about picking NFL games these days. After Week 9, the overall record for Piker Picks climbed to a season-high 14 games over .500. Factoring in Week 10 and Week 11, Piker Picks season totals currently stand at 71-66-7, only 5 measly games over the .500 mark. Actually, if you can believe it, last week's 6-10 result was an improvement over the previous two weeks. Truthfully, I don't think it's the Piker staff that has all of a sudden lost its ability to pick games, I think it's the NFL that's gone wacky. Last week wasn't so much about the staggering amount of upsets as much as it was about good teams not covering against bad teams (and the Piker staff's poor guesswork). Cincinnati beating KC was pretty shocking, although you kept wondering how long the Chiefs could go without a letdown. Most surprisingly, it was the Bengals' special teams that got the best of the Chiefs' and was the difference in the game. Also, former overall #1 draft pick Peter Warick broke out with what had to be his best game as a pro, and sent a message to the league that he can't quite be considered a bust yet. The Browns showed up last Sunday, tattooing the can't-compete-on-the-road Cardinals. I'm not exactly sure why, but Kelly Holcombe has become one of my favorite players. Last week's Piker Power Rankings had the Raiders dead last at #32. Maybe they had to hit rock bottom before they got well, because they snapped their losing streak by vanquishing the Vikings in Oakland. Minnesota is now going out of their way to prove to everyone that their 6-0 start was indeed inflated, as they've sprung a major leak and fallen back to Earth and landed with a heavy thud. Oh, and it now looks like the World Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers will not be able to make it to the playoff party after losing to the Green Bay Packers and dropping to 4-6 on the year. And finally, the Dolphins won ugly at home against the Ravens, but hey, at least they won.

WON: Baltimore, Philadelphia, Indianapolis, Green Bay, New England, San Francisco

LOST: Buffalo, Carolina, St. Louis, Kansas City, Arizona, New Orleans, Tennessee, San Diego, Minnesota, Detroit

So, it was a 6-10 week that brought the overall record to 71-66-7. As of press time, it looks as though Piker will be picking alone this week for the first time all season. So, I don't know how quickly I would run to the bookie based on this week's Piker Picks. Then again, you may want to use it as a guide for what not to pick. If anyone decides to bet the opposite of Piker Picks, let me know the results, because we could be on to something here...

PIKER POWER RANKINGS

After Week 11

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. TENNESSEE TITANS (2)

3. CAROLINA PANTHERS (3)

4. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (4)

5. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (5)

6. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (8)

7. ST. LOUIS RAMS (6)

8. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9)

9. DENVER BRONCOS (14)

10. DALLAS COWBOYS (7)

11. MIAMI DOLPHINS (11)

12. GREEN BAY PACKERS (15)

13. BALTIMORE RAVENS (12)

14. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (10)

15. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (17)

16. CINCINNATI BENGALS (19)

17. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (18)

18. TAMPA BAY BUCS (13)

19. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (16)

20. CLEVELAND BROWNS (24)

21. HOUSTON TEXANS (25)

22. NEW YORK GIANTS (20)

23. NEW YORK JETS (21)

24. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (23)

25. BUFFALO BILLS (22)

26. CHICAGO BEARS (28)

27. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (29)

28. ARIZONA CARDINALS (26)

29. DETROIT LIONS (27)

30. ATLANTA FALCONS (31)

31. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (30)

32. OAKLAND RAIDERS (32)

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 11

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

11/16 1:00 PM ET

(3-6) Houston
(4-5) BUFFALO -7

(4-5) Washington
(7-2) CAROLINA -6

(6-3) St. Louis -6
(3-6) CHICAGO

(9-0) Kansas City -6
(4-5) CINCINNATI

(3-6) Arizona
(3-6) CLEVELAND -6

(5-4) Baltimore
(5-4) MIAMI -6

(2-7) Atlanta
(4-5) NEW ORLEANS -8.5

(4-5) N.Y. Giants
(6-3) PHILADELPHIA -3.5

(2-7) Jacksonville
(7-2) TENNESSEE -10

11/16 4:05 PM ET

(2-7) San Diego
(5-4) DENVER -8

(3-6) N.Y. Jets
(7-2) INDIANAPOLIS -6

(6-3) Minnesota -4.5
(2-7) OAKLAND

(3-6) Detroit
(6-3) SEATTLE -10

(4-5) Green Bay
(4-5) TAMPA BAY -4

11/16 8:30 PM ET

(7-2) Dallas
(7-2) NEW ENGLAND -4

11/17 9:00 PM ET

(3-6) Pittsburgh
(4-5) SAN FRANCISCO -4

BINGO!

News from the "craziest thing you've ever heard" desk...

This past weekend, one of my greatest friends in the whole wide world left a message for me to call him back as soon as possible. As soon as I called him, he said, "Guess what?" I said, "You won the lottery." He replied, "No. But close. My parents did." One of my favorite families on the planet hit the jackpot as sole winners of the Florida lottery and a cool $15 million. My friend's Dad -- who happens to be a terrific guy and one of the funniest people I know -- played the same twenty sets of numbers he's been playing every week for God knows how long. Sunday morning, he plugged the numbers into his custom-made lotto spreadsheet and Bam! -- one ticket had six matches. He called his wife into the room -- who is also a wonderful woman and a riot in her own right -- and told her they just won the lottery. She dryly fired back, "Yeah right, you win the lottery every week." He assured her this was no joke and they called up their son and daughter -- who are honestly two of my closest friends -- to tell them the big news. Did I happen to mention that these are four of my all-time favorite people?

Congratulations! It couldn't happen to a nicer family.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 10 RESULTS

We're through the looking glass here, people. Up is down. Down is up. Black is white. White is black.

- Kevin Costner as Jim Garrison in Oliver Stone's "JFK"

Few things made sense in the NFL this past weekend. The (1-7) Jacksonville Jaguars shocked the (7-1) Indianapolis Colts. The (1-7) San Diego Chargers upset the (6-2) Minnesota Vikings. The (1-7) Atlanta Falcons upended the (4-4) New York Giants in the Meadowlands. On their home turf, Tampa Bay's once-dominating defense allowed Carolina quarterback Jake Del Homme to lead his team down the field for the winning touchdown in the last two minutes and gave the Panthers a sweep of the regular season series over the Bucs. And take a long look below at just who is now the worst team in football -- last year's AFC Champion Oakland Raiders. What the f**k is going on here? This was easily the nuttiest week in the NFL so far, and I've already made that claim several times this season.

At least there were some things that held true to form -- KC remained undefeated by beating up on the disappointing Browns, Pittsburgh got back on the winning track by taking care of Arizona, Steve Spurrier pulled a ball play out of his ass to rescue the Redskins' reeling season and help bring the high-flying Seahawks back down to Earth, and the Miami Dolphins proved yet again that you can't count on them to block anyone or beat anyone after November 1st.

As far as Piker's Picks are concerned... we're in trouble. Not only did the Warner Bros. pull the plug on "The Stones," in effect they pulled their financing for Piker's crack staff of expert prognosticators. Last week, using a reduced staff of three, Piker suffered through it's worst football weekend yet with a 3-8-3 mark. The oddsmakers had a hell of a week, nailing the exact spread on three games after totaling four for the season heading into Week 10. Granted, this was without a doubt the most difficult week to handicap, what with all the upsets and such, but now Piker stares into the face of Week 11 armed only with his own football instincts. No staff. No discussion. Nothing. Just Piker and the Pigskin. Actually, that sounds like a pretty catchy title to an "Undersized Guy Comes Off the Bench to Lead His Team to Victory" Thanksgiving movie...

WON: Kansas City, Atlanta, Tennessee

LOST: Tampa Bay, Houston, Indianapolis, Arizona, Seattle, Minnesota, Baltimore, Green Bay

PUSHED: Chicago, Dallas, N.Y. Jets

Piker's record for the season took a giant leap backwards this week and now stands at: 65-56-7.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 10

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. TENNESSEE TITANS (3)

3. CAROLINA PANTHERS (6)

4. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (4)

5. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2)

6. ST. LOUIS RAMS (9)

7. DALLAS COWBOYS (11)

8. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (12)

9. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (7)

10. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (5)

11. MIAMI DOLPHINS (8)

12. BALTIMORE RAVENS (15)

13. TAMPA BAY BUCS (10)

14. DENVER BRONCOS (14)

15. GREEN BAY PACKERS (13)

16. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (20)

17. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (17)

18. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (18)

19. CINCINNATI BENGALS (21)

20. NEW YORK GIANTS (16)

21. NEW YORK JETS (22)

22. BUFFALO BILLS (19)

23. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (27)

24. CLEVELAND BROWNS (23)

25. HOUSTON TEXANS (24)

26. ARIZONA CARDINALS (26)

27. DETROIT LIONS (28)

28. CHICAGO BEARS (25)

29. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (30)

30. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (31)

31. ATLANTA FALCONS (32)

32. OAKLAND RAIDERS (29)

420

I came across an extremely valuable piece of information at a dinner party last night. Apparently, the maximum weekly amount of unemployment in California is going up to $420 in January 2004. I mean... did they not consider the connotation of 420? In honor of the pay hike, I'm holding off on filing my claim until the beginning of January and then I'm going to smoke out at 4:20 while collecting my paycheck of $420, and I'm going to do it 420 times. Of course, that would bleed into 2005 and then things would be all screwed up because of inconsistency of the numeral 5 in 2005 instead of the 4 in 2004 and it would mean that I would have been unemployed for over a year. I really can't afford to do that again.

What I can afford to do is set myself up right for an indefinite hiatus, which begins as soon as I finish this post and leave the studio lot. Three things will help me accomplish this goal:

1) DirecTV, including all the movie channels and the NFL Sunday Ticket
2) PlayStation 2, which I purchased last night, along with the combo pack of greatest hits -- Grand Theft Auto III and Vice City
3) iPod, preferably the middle one with a 7000 song capacity

And there you have it -- the keys to a successful stretch of unemployment. I'm also toying with the idea of attempting to write a script every six weeks. That would total 8 pieces for 2004 and a headstart on #1 for 2005. But, with all that TV, video games, and music, who has time to write?

Finally, Piker would like to give a special birthday shout-out to J-Yoz. The Piker staff desperately tried to acquire the Paris Hilton Sex Video to send to The Wizard of Yoz as a b-day gift, but as it turns out, Piker doesn't have the pull. Instead, Piker is making up a T-shirt that says: "I Clicked On PIKER.BLOGSPOT.COM And All I Got Was This Crappy Birthday Shout-Out." Wear it in good health, my friend.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 10

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


11/9 1:00 PM ET

(4-4) Tampa Bay -3
(6-2) CAROLINA

(3-5) Houston
(3-5) CINCINNATI -5

(3-5) Chicago
(2-6) DETROIT -2

(7-1) Indianapolis -6.5
(1-7) JACKSONVILLE

(3-5) Cleveland
(8-0) KANSAS CITY -9.5

(1-7) Atlanta
(4-4) N.Y. GIANTS -10.5

(3-5) Arizona
(2-6) PITTSBURGH -7

(5-3) Miami
(6-2) TENNESSEE -5

(6-2) Seattle -3
(3-5) WASHINGTON

11/9 4:05 PM ET

(6-2) Minnesota -5.5
(1-7) SAN DIEGO

(4-4) Buffalo
(6-2) DALLAS -4

(2-6) N.Y. Jets -3
(2-6) OAKLAND

11/9 8:30 PM ET

(5-3) Baltimore
(5-3) ST. LOUIS -7

11/10 9:00 PM ET

(5-3) Philadelphia
(4-4) GREEN BAY -4.5

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 9

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2)

3. TENNESSEE TITANS (3)

4. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (6)

5. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (4)

6. CAROLINA PANTHERS (5)

7. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (10)

8. MIAMI DOLPHINS (7)

9. ST. LOUIS RAMS (8)

10. TAMPA BAY BUCS (9)

11. DALLAS COWBOYS (12)

12. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (13)

13. GREEN BAY PACKERS (14)

14. DENVER BRONCOS (11)

15. BALTIMORE RAVENS (15)

16. NEW YORK GIANTS (16)

17. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (19)

18. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (21)

19. BUFFALO BILLS (18)

20. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (17)

21. CINCINNATI BENGALS (20)

22. NEW YORK JETS (22)

23. CLEVELAND BROWNS (23)

24. HOUSTON TEXANS (26)

25. CHICAGO BEARS (27)

26. ARIZONA CARDINALS (28)

27. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (24)

28. DETROIT LIONS (31)

29. OAKLAND RAIDERS (25)

30. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (29)

31. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (30)

32. ATLANTA FALCONS (32)

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 9 RESULTS

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Piker's editor-in-chief finally moved home offices this past weekend, shedding the shabby Palms Palace in Culver City-adjacent for a California Bungalow-ish fixer with amazing potential in the grooviest small town in LA -- Eagle Rock. Thus, the head of the acclaimed Piker staff didn't have a whole lot of time to watch football on Sunday. However, Piker saw enough to conclude that the participants in Super Bowl XXXVII are now shells of their former world-beating selves. Undoubtedly, this has been an incredibly unpredictable, topsy-turvy first half of the 2003 NFL season, but the Pewter & Black losing at home to the schizoid Saints and the Silver & Black getting pounded by the lowly Lions? To quote the great Slim Pickens from Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles -- "What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? You guys are all dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!" Will the Chiefs lose a game this season? I asked Super Tight End Tony Gonzalez that very same question when I ran into him on the studio lot last week. He replied, "I hope so." Based on that little nugget, I'm sure you're wishing I transcribed the entire interview, but alas, My Girl has been hogging the transcribing device lately and the rest of my dialogue with Tony G will remain a mystery to the perennial perusers of Piker. My gut feeling is the Chiefs will go 15-1 or 14-2 and defeat a battered and bruised NFC winner to be named later in Super Bowl XXXVIII. Sadly, the only shot the Dolphins have of reaching The Big One is if the Piker staff bulked up and replaced the porous group of mammoth mammals Miami has hired to protect their tandem of mediocre quarterbacks.

WON: CHICAGO, DALLAS, HOUSTON, N.Y. GIANTS, CINCINNATI, PHILADELPHIA, NEW ENGLAND

LOST: OAKLAND, MIAMI, TAMPA BAY, PITTSBURGH, ST. LOUIS, MINNESOTA

PUSHED: BALTIMORE

Week 9 wasn't kind to the Piker peops, as the group posted a 7-6-1 mark. Our season stats now stand at: 62-48-4. Just about halfway to the coveted record of 25 games over .500. Previously, Piker promised to buy a round of drinks for all loyal followers of this frivolous site if the Piker staff hit that magic mark, but now Piker will revise the reward to a free beef supreme Chalupa from Taco Bell. Viva El Piker!

INSIDER INFORMATION

The word has not hit the streets yet, so let me be the first to tell you that the plug has been pulled on "The Stones." Three episodes short of our order for 13, production has ceased. CBS has said they will air at least six episodes of the show in the Wednesday 9:30 PM slot starting in March. That means after a week or so of wrap, once again I find myself out of a job. But, this time, I'm armed with a produced episode in my assault on the sleazy world of talent representation. I must find an agent immediately. However, I am willing to finish out the season as a script coordinator/writers' assistant, if I cannot land a staff writing position. So, my bank account is about to get a lot lighter, but my hours are about to get a lot better...

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 9

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


11/2 1:00 PM ET

(1-6) Jacksonville
(4-3) BALTIMORE -7

(1-6) San Diego
(2-5) CHICAGO -2.5

(3-4) Washington
(5-2) DALLAS -4.5

(2-5) Oakland -3
(1-6) DETROIT

(6-1) Carolina -6.5
(2-5) HOUSTON

(6-1) Indianapolis
(5-2) MIAMI -3

(3-4) N.Y. Giants -2.5
(2-5) N.Y. JETS

(3-5) New Orleans
(4-3) TAMPA BAY -8

11/2 4:05 PM ET

(3-4) Cincinnati -3
(2-5) ARIZONA

(2-5) Pittsburgh
(5-2) SEATTLE -4.5

(4-3) Philadelphia -4.5
(1-6) ATLANTA

(5-2) St. Louis -4
(3-5) SAN FRANCISCO

11/2 8:30 PM ET

(3-4) Green Bay
(6-1) MINNESOTA -4.5

11/3 9:00 PM ET

(6-2) New England
(5-3) DENVER -2.5

AUTHOR, AUTHOR!

Finally. Last night, "The Stones" digitally recorded the first sitcom episode to bear my great name. After almost 7 seasons, I finally have a produced episode! Entitled "She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister," the segment featured guest star Wendie Malick (still stunning) playing Barbara's (Judith Light) formerly fat sister. I'll mercifully spare you the rest of the details. The important thing is: It's in the can, I'm proud of myself, and I'm getting paid. I want to thank My Girl and My Friends for coming out to support me. I'll respect My Girl's privacy and not name her by name, but I will publicly thank Sam Linsky and Jeff Bye for braving the entire four hour marathon taping, Alvarez Wortham and Jeremy Rezumna for showing up for the last few scenes and partying afterwards, David Spancer and Dan Tobin for walking over from their respective shows on the lot to pay their respects, and Cory Goodman for making it to the all-important after-party. Plus, a big fat thank you to all of my relatively new friends on "The Stones" who buoyed my spirit during a fairly trying experience. The best feedback I got came from one of the writers who said, "No matter what happened during the production week or how many of your words remained in the shooting script, you earned this credit." I agree with him -- I did earn the credit. It was still a classy thing to say and a really nice thing to hear. Hopefully, this will prove to be the first of many produced episodes in my television career. Best case scenario would have the rest of the episodes read: Created by Barry Langer. A Piker Production.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 8 RESULTS

Crazy eights. The Chiefs are 8-0 and King of the Mountain right now. They are the only undefeated team left in the NFL after the Giants turned their schizophrenic season around in a hurry by handing the Vikings their first loss of the season in the Homerdome. San Fran is another Jeckyll and Hyde team, routing the Bucs one week and then losing to the lowly Cardinals the next. Cincinnati brought Seattle back down to Earth. Tampa did the same to Dallas, shutting them out in typical Buccaneer fashion. New England got a break when Cleveland decided to sleep in on Sunday and then the generous Browns even let the Pats kick a late field goal to cover the spread by a half point. Julius Peppers stepped up in OT to make damn sure the for-real Panthers didn't lose to the Saints. The Eagles and the Jets played a very entertaining game, with both teams seeming like they're on the rise. The Broncos desperately need Jake the Snake back to have any shot at the playoffs. The Bears proved they don't suck as bad as the Lions. When Mike Vick returns for Atlanta, Detroit will be the worst team in the league. Jacksonville sucks, Pittsburgh sucks, Buffalo sucks, and San Diego sucks. The Phins handily dispatched the Chargers on Monday night in what may have been the only "free admission" game in the modern era of the NFL. Things are starting to shake down. There are a ton of crappy to mediocre teams in the league, but the cream of the crop gives me hope for a phenomenal postseason.

The Piker staff went 9-5 for a the week. Not too shabby.

WON: Baltimore, Chicago, Tennessee, New England, Carolina, St. Louis, Tampa Bay, Houston, Miami

LOST: Seattle, Minnesota, San Francisco, N.Y. Jets, Buffalo

Piker's season mark now stands at: 55-42-3. When we get to 25 games over .500, drinks are on us.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 8

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3)

3. TENNESSEE TITANS (4)

4. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2)

5. CAROLINA PANTHERS (5)

6. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (6)

7. MIAMI DOLPHINS (7)

8. ST. LOUIS RAMS (10)

9. TAMPA BAY BUCS (11)

10. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (8)

11. DENVER BRONCOS (9)

12. DALLAS COWBOYS (12)

13. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (15)

14. GREEN BAY PACKERS (13)

15. BALTIMORE RAVENS (18)

16. NEW YORK GIANTS (23)

17. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (17)

18. BUFFALO BILLS (14)

19. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (16)

20. CINCINNATI BENGALS (22)

21. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (21)

22. NEW YORK JETS (24)

23. CLEVELAND BROWNS (19)

24. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (20)

25. OAKLAND RAIDERS (25)

26. HOUSTON TEXANS (26)

27. CHICAGO BEARS (29)

28. ARIZONA CARDINALS (31)

29. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (28)

30. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (27)

31. DETROIT LIONS (30)

32. ATLANTA FALCONS (32)

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 8

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


10/26 1:00 PM EST

(5-2) Denver
(3-3) BALTIMORE -2

(1-5) Detroit
(1-5) CHICAGO -3

(5-1) Seattle -1.5
(2-4) CINCINNATI

(5-2) Tennessee -3.5
(1-5) JACKSONVILLE

(2-4) N.Y. Giants
(6-0) MINNESOTA -5.5

(3-4) Cleveland
(5-2) NEW ENGLAND -5.5

(5-1) Carolina
(3-4) NEW ORLEANS -2

(4-2) St. Louis
(2-4) PITTSBURGH -1.5

(5-1) Dallas
(3-3) TAMPA BAY -6.5

10/26 4:05 PM EST

(3-4) San Francisco -6.5
(1-5) ARIZONA

10/26 4:15 PM EST

(2-4) Houston
(5-1) INDIANAPOLIS -13

(2-4) N.Y. Jets
(3-3) PHILADELPHIA -3

10/26 8:30 PM EST

(4-3) Buffalo
(7-0) KANSAS CITY -6.5

10/27 9:00 PM EST

(4-2) Miami -3
(1-5) SAN DIEGO

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 7 RESULTS

Craps... Piker had a 7-7 record in Week 7. Still can't figure out the teams from Ohio. Piker bet against the Bengals and with the Browns and got burned by both of them. Kelly Holcombe is a winner, but the Browns simply cannot stop the run, which makes them the most unpredictable team in the league from week to week. Then there's the Bengals, who are actually kinda tough for a 2-4 team. The Bills and Niners have a Jeckyl and Hyde thing going on as well. Tennessee finally seems like they're playing up to their capability, ending Carolina's undefeated run at 5. And "Oh no, Olindo!" I don't care if the Marlins are in the World Series and you have to kick off second base to bang a field goal through the friggin' uprights, you hit one of the two game winners at the end of regulation and the beginning of overtime. Terrible loss for the Phins at home. Besides the Marlins, it was not a good week overall for the Florida teams, as the Bucs lost on the road to level their record at 3-3. The Super Bowl champs are not only vulnerable, they're flat out beatable. If the Super Bowl were today, the matchup would be unquestionable -- the only two undefeated teams left -- Chiefs vs. Vikings. Congrats to San Diego for being the last team in the league to get their first win of the season. And kudos to Piker's own Johnny Silbs, whose 12-2 record was the single week high for the season.

WON: New Orleans, Tennessee, Dallas, Minnesota, Philadelphia, St. Louis, Kansas City

LOST: Baltimore, Cleveland, Miami, Houston, Washington, Tampa Bay, Seattle

Piker's season mark now stands at: 46-37-3. After Week 8, Piker will present a special segment, projecting the final records of each of the teams in the NFL. Until then, enjoy my dream World Series -- Yanks and Marlins -- and, in keeping with the theme, let's hope it goes 7 games.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 7

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2)

3. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (4)

4. TENNESSEE TITANS (9)

5. CAROLINA PANTHERS (3)

6. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (8)

7. MIAMI DOLPHINS (5)

8. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (10)

9. DENVER BRONCOS (7)

10. ST. LOUIS RAMS (11)

11. TAMPA BAY BUCS (6)

12. DALLAS COWBOYS (13)

13. GREEN BAY PACKERS (12)

14. BUFFALO BILLS (17)

15. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (16)

16. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (20)

17. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (14)

18. BALTIMORE RAVENS (15)

19. CLEVELAND BROWNS (18)

20. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (19)

21. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (25)

22. CINCINNATI BENGALS (23)

23. NEW YORK GIANTS (21)

24. NEW YORK JETS (26)

25. OAKLAND RAIDERS (22)

26. HOUSTON TEXANS (24)

27. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (32)

28. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (28)

29. CHICAGO BEARS (30)

30. DETROIT LIONS (27)

31. ARIZONA CARDINALS (31)

32. ATLANTA FALCONS (29)

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 7

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


10/19 1:00 PM EST

(2-4) New Orleans -1.5
(1-5) ATLANTA

(4-2) Tennessee
(5-0) CAROLINA -1.5

(3-2) Baltimore -2
(1-4) CINCINNATI

(0-5) San Diego
(3-3) CLEVELAND -5

(4-1) Dallas -3
(1-4) DETROIT

(4-2) New England
(4-1) MIAMI -5

(5-1) Denver
(5-0) MINNESOTA -3.5

(2-3) Philadelphia
(2-3) N.Y. GIANTS -3

(3-3) Green Bay
(3-2) ST. LOUIS -3.5

10/19 4:05 PM EST

(1-4) N.Y. Jets -3
(2-3) HOUSTON

10/19 4:15 PM EST

(3-3) Washington
(3-3) BUFFALO -3

(3-2) Tampa Bay -3.5
(2-4) SAN FRANCISCO

(1-4) Chicago
(4-1) SEATTLE -11

10/20 9:00 PM EST

(6-0) Kansas City -3.5
(2-4) OAKLAND

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 6 RESULTS

It is not yet apparent whether the Piker staff is improving in its ability to pick games or NFL teams are starting to show their true colors. Piker kicked some gridiron ass this weekend, going 10-4 against the spread. One of our unaminous picks, Philadelphia, lost to Dallas and let us down in a big way, showing that they are currently not a very good football team. Thus far, Donovan McNabb has failed to silence the critics. Is Dallas for real? If you look at their schedule so far, it's been soft and they haven't really faced a big test yet. The 'Boys are likely to go to 5-1 after Week 7, as they are on the road at lowly Detroit. After that, Dallas has six games in a row against opponents with .500 records or better, including Tampa Bay, New England, Carolina, and Miami. But, looking down the road, it's not unthinkable that the Cowboys can get into the playoffs with a 10-6 mark. The Carolina Panthers are for real. They hung tough and beat the Colts in OT at Indy and earned themselves a spot in the league's Top 5. KC is definitely for real. Another Alcoa Fantastic Finish in OT at Lambeau. The Pack let that game slip away, but they're still in the top half of the NFL. When you glance at this week's Piker Power Rankings, take note of the fact that there really are only 15 or so teams playing well right now. And if you make it all the way down to the bottom of the list, check out how many truly pathetic teams are celler dwelling. The J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets are on the board after blowing out the sinking Bills. Huge AFC East matchup this weekend between the Dolphins and the Patriots. Winner takes control of the division.

WON: Cleveland, Carolina, Miami, New England, New Orleans, Tennessee, Tampa Bay, Baltimore, San Francisco, St. Louis

LOST: Philadelphia, Green Bay, Denver, Buffalo

Posting a 10-4 record for Week 6 brings Piker's season tally to 39-30-3. Not too shabby.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 6

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3)

3. CAROLINA PANTHERS (6)

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2)

5. MIAMI DOLPHINS (4)

6. TAMPA BAY BUCS (7)

7. DENVER BRONCOS (5)

8. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (8)

9. TENNESSEE TITANS (9)

10. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (13)

11. ST. LOUIS RAMS (14)

12. GREEN BAY PACKERS (15)

13. DALLAS COWBOYS (17)

14. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (11)

15. BALTIMORE RAVENS (16)

16. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (10)

17. BUFFALO BILLS (12)

18. CLEVELAND BROWNS (22)

19. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (19)

20. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (20)

21. NEW YORK GIANTS (18)

22. OAKLAND RAIDERS (21)

23. CINCINNATI BENGALS (24)

24. HOUSTON TEXANS (23)

25. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (28)

26. NEW YORK JETS (31)

27. DETROIT LIONS (25)

28. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (27)

29. ATLANTA FALCONS (26)

30. CHICAGO BEARS (29)

31. ARIZONA CARDINALS (30)

32. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (32)

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 6

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


10/12 1:00 PM EST

Oakland
CLEVELAND -3

Philadephia
DALLAS -1

Kansas City
GREEN BAY -1.5

Carolina
INDIANAPOLIS -5

Miami -3
JACKSONVILLE

N.Y. Giants
NEW ENGLAND -2.5

Chicago
NEW ORLEANS -5.5

Houston
TENNESSEE -10

Tampa Bay -3
Washington

10/12 4:15 PM EST

Baltimore -5.5
ARIZONA

Pittsburgh
DENVER -6.5

Buffalo -3
N.Y. JETS

10/12 8:30 PM EST

San Francisco
SEATTLE -3.5

10/13 9:00 PM EST

Atlanta
ST. LOUIS -11

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

After Week 5

(Rank Last Week in Parentheses)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1)

2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (4)

3. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (5)

4. MIAMI DOLPHINS (6)

5. DENVER BRONCOS (3)

6. CAROLINA PANTHERS (9)

7. TAMPA BAY BUCS (2)

8. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (14)

9. TENNESSEE TITANS (7)

10. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (17)

11. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (10)

12. BUFFALO BILLS (11)

13. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (8)

14. ST. LOUIS RAMS (16)

15. GREEN BAY PACKERS (19)

16. BALTIMORE RAVENS (15)

17. DALLAS COWBOYS (20)

18. NEW YORK GIANTS (13)

19. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (12)

20. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (21)

21. OAKLAND RAIDERS (18)

22. CLEVELAND BROWNS (26)

23. HOUSTON TEXANS (22)

24. CINCINNATI BENGALS (25)

25. DETROIT LIONS (24)

26. ATLANTA FALCONS (23)

27. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (31)

28. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (27)

29. CHICAGO BEARS (32)

30. ARIZONA CARDINALS (28)

31. NEW YORK JETS (30)

32. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (29)

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 5 RESULTS

It was a miserable week for the pack of Piker prognosticators. Going into the staff meeting, our four resident "experts" were split on 7 of the 14 games. After much deliberation and debate, the deadlocks were broken and a consensus agreed upon. In those 7 games, our record wound up 1-6-1. The staff could come to a unanimous decision on only two games. Lost both of 'em. Overall, Piker went 5-8-1 against the spread in Week 5, to bleed into the red for the first time. (On a personal side note: I was the only one on solid ground with an 8-5-1 record for the weekend.) Altogether, Piker's record for the season teeters on the edge of .500 at 29-26-3. Well, at least the Dolphins looked good in soundly defeating the New York football Giants, the Monday night matchup contained a phenomenal and improbable comeback -- one that definitely would have been featured on Alcoa's Fantastic Finishes segment back in the day -- and that punt return by KC's Dante Hall may have been the best I've ever seen.

WON: Minnesota, Dallas, Miami, Jacksonville, Washington

LOST: Buffalo, Carolina, Oakland, Seattle, Kansas City, Tennessee, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay

PUSHED: San Francisco

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 5

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


10/5 1:00 PM EST

Minnesota -4.5
ATLANTA

Cincinnati
BUFFALO -8

New Orleans
CAROLINA -6.5

Oakland -4
CHICAGO

Arizona
DALLAS -7

Seattle
GREEN BAY -2

Denver
KANSAS CITY -3

Tennessee -1
NEW ENGLAND

Miami Pick 'em
N.Y. GIANTS

10/5 4:05 PM EST

San Diego
JACKSONVILLE -3

10/5 4:15 PM EST

Washington
PHILADELPHIA -5.5

Detroit
SAN FRANCISCO -7

10/5 8:30 PM EST

Cleveland
PITTSBURGH -7

10/6 9:00 PM EST

Indianapolis
TAMPA BAY -4

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

(After Week 4)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

2. TAMPA BAY BUCS

3. DENVER BRONCOS

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

5. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

6. MIAMI DOLPHINS

7. TENNESSEE TITANS

8. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

9. CAROLINA PANTHERS

10. WASHINGTON REDSKINS

11. BUFFALO BILLS

12. PITTSBURGH STEELERS

13. NEW YORK GIANTS

14. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

15. BALTIMORE RAVENS

16. ST. LOUIS RAMS

17. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

18. OAKLAND RAIDERS

19. GREEN BAY PACKERS

20. DALLAS COWBOYS

21. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

22. HOUSTON TEXANS

23. ATLANTA FALCONS

24. DETROIT LIONS

25. CINCINNATI BENGALS

26. CLEVELAND BROWNS

27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

28. ARIZONA CARDINALS

29. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

30. NEW YORK JETS

31. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

32. CHICAGO BEARS

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 4 RESULTS

Piker was in serious danger of losing some theoretical cash, but thanks to the Green Bay Packers covering against the Chicago Bears, Piker's crack staff of football experts avoided dipping under the .500 mark for the week. With Piker's beloved Miami Dolphins sitting on the sidelines on Sunday, coupled with the fact that Piker had to work on Sunday, Piker was not able to see any of the games. However, Piker saw all the highlights on SportsCenter and PrimeTime and is keenly aware of what's happening in the NFL. What's happening is it's damn near impossible to pick games with any consistency. Buffalo looked like the best team in the league a couple of weeks ago, now they've lost two straight and when it's all said and done, they might not even make the playoffs. Cleveland lost to Cincy at home, the Steelers lost to the Titans at home, the Ravens couldn't hang with the Chiefs, Detroit hung in with Denver, the Chargers should have beaten the Raiders, and the Jets flat out suck. In the end, Piker went 7-6-1 for in Week 4. It broke down like this:

WON: Houston, Minnesota, St. Louis, Carolina, Dallas, Indianapolis, Green Bay

LOST: Buffalo, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Oakland, Denver

PUSHED: Washington

Piker's overall record for the year now stands at 24-18-2. If it gets any worse, we're going to have to haul the jug full of change down to the supermarket and give the CoinStar seven cents on the dollar for some cold hard cash.

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 4

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

9/28 1:00 PM ET

Philadelphia
BUFFALO -3

Cincinnati
CLEVELAND -4.5

Jacksonville -3
HOUSTON

San Francisco
MINNESOTA Pick 'em

Tennessee
PITTSBURGH -3

Arizona
ST. LOUIS -10.5

New England
WASHINGTON -3

9/28 4:05 PM ET

Kansas City -3
BALTIMORE

San Diego
OAKLAND -7

9/28 4:15 PM ET

Atlanta
CAROLINA -6

Detroit
DENVER -12.5

Dallas
N.Y. JETS -3

9/28 8:30 PM ET

Indianapolis -2
NEW ORLEANS

9/29 9:00 PM ET

Green Bay -4
CHICAGO

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 3 RESULTS

The mighty Miami Dolphins finally showed their true Aqua and Orange colors on Sunday night, riding a heroic performance by Ricky Williams and a dominant defense to a resounding victory over the previously undefeated Buffalo Bills. Williams was the consummate workhorse, carrying 42 times for 153 yards and a late, game-clinching touchdown that wasn't signaled until the replay officials concluded that his knee was never down and his forward progress was never stopped. The Dolphin D came up big all night, stymying Drew Bledsoe and the high-powered Bills offense all night until a meaningless drive at the end of the game. The only points Miami allowed came on an interception return for a touchdown that was third receiver James McKnight's fault more than it was Jay Fiedler's. Now the Dolphins can be counted among the best teams in the NFL, most of which reside in the AFC at the moment. (See Piker's Power Rankings Below)

Piker picked pretty profoundly this past week, going 9 and 5 against the spread. On a strange, but not particularly difficult Sunday wager-wise, all the favorites covered in the early games, then all the dogs covered except San Diego in the afternoon. Then the favorites took over again, with Miami covering the three points on Sunday night and Denver easily covering the five points on Monday night.

WON: Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Indianapolis, Tennessee, St. Louis, N.Y. Giants, Cleveland, Miami

LOST: Detroit, N.Y. Jets, Green Bay, San Diego, Oakland

Piker's overall record for the season now stands at: 17-12-1. Not successful enough to give up the day job, but respectable enough to buy a stack of CD's at Amoeba or Aron's.

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

(After Week 3)

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

2. TAMPA BAY BUCS

3. DENVER BRONCOS

4. MIAMI DOLPHINS

5. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

6. BUFFALO BILLS

7. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

8. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

9. TENNESSEE TITANS

10. PITTSBURGH STEELERS

11. CAROLINA PANTHERS

12. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

13. NEW YORK GIANTS

14. BALTIMORE RAVENS

15. WASHINGTON REDSKINS

16. OAKLAND RAIDERS

17. ST. LOUIS RAMS

18. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

19. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

20. ATLANTA FALCONS

21. CLEVELAND BROWNS

22. GREEN BAY PACKERS

23. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

24. DALLAS COWBOYS

25. HOUSTON TEXANS

26. NEW YORK JETS

27. ARIZONA CARDINALS

28. CINCINNATI BENGALS

29. DETROIT LIONS

30. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

31. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

32. CHICAGO BEARS

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 3

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold

9/21 1:00 PM ET

Tampa Bay -4
ATLANTA

Pittsburgh -4.5
CINCINNATI

Minnesota -3.5
DETROIT

Kansas City -7.5
HOUSTON

Jacksonville
INDY -7.5

N.Y. Jets
NEW ENGLAND -6.5

New Orleans
TENNESSEE -4.5

9/21 4:05 PM ET

Green Bay -7.5
ARIZONA

St. Louis
SEATTLE -3

N.Y. Giants
WASHINGTON -2.5

9/21 4:15 PM ET

Baltimore -1
SAN DIEGO

Cleveland
SAN FRANCISCO -7

9/21 8:30 PM ET

Buffalo
MIAMI -3

9/22 9:00 PM ET

Oakland
DENVER -5

PIKER'S PRIDE

Can we talk TV for a moment? All summer long, Salon's intrepid TV correspondent has been writing her cottontail off in a virtual vacuum. Well, it's autumn again, baby. And that means back to school, the return of football, Fall TV, and a chance for my favorite hare to hop back into the spotlight with her preview of the season's new sitcoms, ingeniously entitled "Why Can't We Be Friends?"

PIKER PICTURES

I was toying with the idea of naming my production company Piker Pictures. Or Piker Productions. I think Piker Pictures is the stronger of the two. I guess this discussion is in vain unless I actually find myself in the position where I have to form a production company. Until then... Here is a list of movies on my current must-see list:

1. LOST IN TRANSLATION

2. AMERICAN SPLENDOR

3. SCHOOL OF ROCK

4. THE RUNDOWN

5. MATCHSTICK MEN

PIKER'S POWER RANKINGS

1. BUFFALO BILLS

2. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

3. TAMPA BAY BUCS

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

5. DENVER BRONCOS

6. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

7. MIAMI DOLPHINS

8. TENNESSEE TITANS

9. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

10. PITTSBURGH STEELERS

11. WASHINGTON REDSKINS

12. CAROLINA PANTHERS

13. OAKLAND RAIDERS

14. ST. LOUIS RAMS

15. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

16. GREEN BAY PACKERS

17. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

18. NEW YORK GIANTS

19. BALTIMORE RAVENS

20. ATLANTA FALCONS

21. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

22. CLEVELAND BROWNS

23. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

24. HOUSTON TEXANS

25. DALLAS COWBOYS

26. NEW YORK JETS

27. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

28. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

29. DETROIT LIONS

30. CINCINNATI BENGALS

31. CHICAGO BEARS

32. ARIZONA CARDINALS

PIKER PICKS: WEEK 2 RESULTS

Man, it's hard to bet football. Especially in the early part of the season. The Patriots beat the crap out of Philly in Philly? Carolina blocked an extra point at the end of regulation and beat Tampa Bay in overtime? Indy blew out the mighty Titans? Cincy almost beat the Raiders? Yeah, right... Next thing you're going to tell me is the Dolphins went up to the Meadowlands and rerouted the Jets. Are you kidding me? As Johnny Mac would yell with complete incredulity, "You cannot be serious!" Well, Piker may not have proven himself a particularly prescient prognosticator in Week 2 of the NFL season, but at least the 'Phins swam in the right direction and managed to save Wannestadt's giant scalp. For the time being.

Tabulating the results of Piker's first week of picks, we arrive at a final figure of 8-7-1 against the spread. With that record, Piker'll miss the playoffs by a half game in the AFC.

WON: Washington, Green Bay, Kansas City, New Orleans, Seattle, Carolina, Denver, Minnesota

LOST: Cleveland, Tennessee, Jacksonville, N.Y. Jets, Oakland, Philadelphia, N.Y. Giants

PUSHED: San Francisco

Look for Piker's Week 3 Picks on Friday. But, now you know not to follow them too closely before handing your betting card to the no-nonsense guy at the window of the Sports Book at the Bellagio.

PIKER PICKS

On the suggestion of Linsky, loyal friend and longtime Piker reader, a new segment will be introduced today: Piker Picks. Admittedly, I have a slight advantage over other preseason prognosticators because I'm making my selections armed with the results of Week 1, but let's face it, one week does not make a season. If that were the case, I would be even further down in the football dumps over the Dolphins atrocious and embarrassing Week 1 loss to the Houston Texans in Miami. The 'Phins can redeem themselves by vanquishing the rival Jets in the Meadowlands this Sunday. If they don't, the fickle fans in South Florida may be calling for the extra large cranium of Dave Wannestadt.

We'll begin with Piker's forecast for Super Bowl XXXVIII and the NFL Playoffs. Then, we'll move on to Piker's Picks for Week 2.

AFC

EAST: Miami Dolphins
NORTH: Pittsburgh Steelers
SOUTH: Tennessee Titans
WEST: Oakland Raiders
WILD CARDS: Kansas City Chiefs, Indianapolis Colts

NFC

EAST: Philadelphia Eagles
NORTH: Minnesota Vikings
SOUTH: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
WEST: San Francisco 49ers
WILD CARDS: New York Giants, Atlanta Falcons

AFC CHAMP: Tennessee Titans
NFC CHAMP: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

SUPER BOWL CHAMP: Tennessee Titans


WEEK 2

Home Team in CAPS
Piker Picks in Bold


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

Washington
ATLANTA -3

Cleveland
BALTIMORE -2

Detroit
GREEN BAY -6.5

Tennessee
INDIANAPOLIS -2

Buffalo
JACKSONVILLE +3

Pittsburgh
KANSAS CITY -3

Houston
NEW ORLEANS -8.5

Miami
N.Y. JETS +3

San Francisco
St. Louis -3

Seattle
ARIZONA +4.5

Carolina
TAMPA BAY -9.5

Cincinnati
OAKLAND -12.5

New England
PHILADELPHIA -4.5

Denver
SAN DIEGO +3

Chicago
MINNESOTA -8.5

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

Dallas
N.Y. GIANTS -7.5

SYNDICATION, HERE I COME

Tonight, we are filming the second episode of "The Stones" following the pilot. It also happens to be a milestone in my sitcom career...
100 episodes!

Here is the breakdown:

Boston Common: 26
Food & Company: 1 (Pilot)
Alright Already: 21
Oh Baby: 1 (Pilot)
Maggie Winters: 18
Sugar Hill: 1 (Pilot)
Battery Park: 7
The Ellen Show: 18
Watching Ellie: 4
Rubbing Charlie: 1 (Pilot)
The Stones: 2

Where's my back end profit participation?

LAZY LISTS

THINGS I THOUGHT WERE GREAT RECENTLY

The Producers at The Pantages Theater
Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band at Dodger Stadium
Belle & Sebastian and Bright Eyes at The Greek Theater
The Matrix: Reloaded on the IMAX
Cinespia Screenings at the Hollywood Forever Cemetary
Dirty Pretty Things
The Amazing Race
The Miami Heat Signing Lamar Odom
Finding a House in the Eagle Rock Area
My Mechanic
Sleeping a Full 8 Hours One Night


THINGS I THOUGHT WERE PRETTY GOOD RECENTLY

Open Range
Bend It Like Beckham
Project Greenlight
Andy Roddick Winning Back to Back Tournaments
The PGA Championship


THING I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WATCHING RELIGIOUSLY

Paradise Hotel


THINGS I THOUGHT SUCKED RECENTLY

Michael Vick Breaking His Leg
Stolen Summer on DVD
The Restaurant Mexico City in Los Feliz
Working on the Weekends
Getting Caught in Morning Traffic... On the Way Home From Work
Writing This While Still at Work
Not Getting To See My Girl Enough

PIKER'S PRODUCTION JOURNAL

Yesterday, my day began with a 9 am production meeting and a 10 o'clock table read. After a marathon rewrite, I formatted, proofread, and processed the script before strolling down to the parking structure at 5 am. I was back at work today for a 12:30 pm run-thru. Thankfully, it went well and it looks like I'll be getting out of here at a decent time tonight. Must... get... sleep...

THE PRODUCTION VOID

It's starting again. Here I am sitting in a production office the night before a table read, waiting for the script to be ready for me to proofread and publish. The feeling is all too familiar, this being my seventh season as a script coordinator and all. And it is sure to be the first of many evenings during production of which I will be unable to attend some fabulous event that I have tickets for. Tonight it was the premiere of the movie "Thirteen," including a screening at the Arclight and after-party at Cinespace. Basically, I can't make any solid plans until Thanksgiving. Once again, I am giving up my social life to assist the writing staff of yet another sitcom. It's no wonder I take every other year off to actually squeeze in some living.

D-FENCE

Feeling pressured to defend his Favorite Active Athlete list, J-Yoz turned in a terrific goal-line stand of opinion-making yesterday. So passionate is he about his fav athletes, you'd think he was the engine driving their respective publicity machines.

1. Kevin Garnett
Most passion for winning in all sports, plays 5 positions
2. Ichiro Suzuki
As famous as Beckam, as cool as Nicholson; best Def OF in game
3. Ernie Els
The Big Easy, gorgeous swing; will win "major" standoff w/Tiger soon
4. Donovon McNabb
Breaks ankle in 1st Qtr then throws for 400 yds in heroic win
5. Kendrell Bell
Will be '03 Defensive MVP; faster than Urlacher, meaner than Lewis
6. Carmelo Anthony
Won't be the Heir Apparent like LeBron, but will have more fun
7. Barry Zito
His musician father reads a book and builds a 23 yr old Cy-winner
8. Michael Vick
Excitement in a Bottle, will be first ever 3,000yd pass/1,000yd run
9. Michelle Wie
The Tracy Austin of golf, hits 320yd drives, may play Augusta in '08
10. Mark Messier
Guarantees victory, backs it up w/ 3rd pd. hat-trick, ends "1940!"

FAVORITE ACTIVE ATHLETES
***UPDATED***

MY LIST



1. Andre Agassi
2. Lance Armstrong
3. Tiger Woods
4. Ricky Williams
5. Kevin Garnett
6. Derek Jeter
7. Warren Sapp
8. Barry Zito
9. Donovan McNabb
10. Andy Roddick


J-YOZ'S LIST



1. Kevin Garnett
2. Ichiro Suzuki
3. Ernie Els
4. Donovan McNabb
5. Kendrell Bell
6. Carmelo Anthony
7. Barry Zito
8. Michael Vick
9. Michelle Wie
10. Mark Messier


A-WIL'S LIST



1. Jason Kidd
2. Paul Lo Duca
3. Shane Mosely
4. Eric Gagne
5. Lennox Lewis
6. Warren Sapp
7. Roy Jones, Jr.
8. Baron Davis
9. Barry Zito
10. Paul Pierce


LINSKY'S LIST



1. Pedro
2. Nomah
3. Gabe Kapler
4. Sean Green
5. Dana Rosenblatt
6. Paul Pierce
7. Adam Vinatieri
8. Manny Ramirez
9. Doug Flutie
10. Luis Gonzalez


J-SILBS' LIST



1. Marshall Faulk
2. Jason Kidd
3. LaDainian Tomlinson
4. Ben Wallace
5. Steve Nash
6. Michael Vick
7. Brian Urlacher
8. Marvin Harrison
9. Jeff Bagwell
10. Tracy McGrady


C-YOZ'S LIST

1. Alfonso Soriano
2. Hines Ward
3. Michael Vick
4. Kevin Garnett
5. Warren Sapp
6. Dwyane Wade
7. Anna Kournikova
8. Plaxico Burress
9. Arturo Gotti
10. Mariano Rivera


You have a top ten?

TRIUMPH



FIVE STRAIGHT



CHEERS, LANCE!

L'enfer du Nord: Paris - Roubaix
La Cote d'Azur et Saint Tropez
Les Alpes et les Pyrennees
Derniere etape Champs-Elysees
Galibier et Tourmalet
En danseuse jusqu'au sommet
Pedaler en grand braquet
Sprint final a l'arrivee
Crevaison sur les paves
Le velo vite repare
Le peloton est regroupe
Camarades et amitie

The hell of the north: Paris - Roubaix
The Cote d'Azur and Saint Tropez
The Alps and the Pyrennees
Last stage Champs-Elysees
Galibier and Tourmalet (2 mountains)
Dancing even on the top
Bicycling at high gear
Final sprint at the finish
Flat tire on the paving stones
The bicycle is repaired quickly
The peloton is regrouped
Comrades and friendship

LE TOUR

Hhhuhh... Hhhuhh... Just... give me a... second to... catch my breath. After two and half weeks of bike racing, I'm exhausted. And I'm just watching it on TV.

As a fan of all sports (I’m still not convinced auto racing is an actual sport), I have casually followed the Tour de France for a number of years, tracking the daily results in the newspaper and watching the occasional highlight special on television. But all that has changed and there are several key reasons why this year is different from years past: My digital cable system carries the Outdoor Life Network, which televises every stage of the race; TiVo allows me to record each stage relatively hassle-free; and this Tour has been simply spectacular.

Yesterday was a rest day for the Tour de France and it couldn't have come at a better time. In what has been a self-propelled roller coaster ride through France, the centenial edition of the legendary bicycle race has been building tension and drama in unyielding fashion over the course of its first fifteen stages. Yesterday, the race reached its literal and figurative peak as American rider Lance Armstrong, on a quest to win his record-tying fifth Tour de France in a row, finally got his first stage win of this year's tour and took control of the overall race. But it was the manner in which he accomplished the feat that was so breathtaking. No secondhand account could possibly capture the moment. You had to see it to believe it. I saw it.

In the history of the Tour de France, four men have won five times, but only one, Spanish cyclist Miguel Indurain, won five times in a row. Over the last four years, Armstrong has single-handedly put professional cycling on the map in the United States, riding for a team sponsored by the United States Postal Service and penning a best-selling autobiography chronicling his miraculous victories over testicular cancer and the world's most famous bicycle race. Since overcoming the big C, Armstrong has been a man possessed, seemingly immortal in his domination over the field of world-class athletes. This Tour, he has appeared vulnerable, maybe even beatable.

Armstrong’s troubles began in the Tour’s first full stage when 35 riders crashed as the pack turned around a dangerous corner on the way to the final sprint to the finish line. Armstrong bruised his right thigh, scratched his left shoulder, and tweaked his back. In the same pileup, Armstrong’s former teammate Tyler Hamilton fractured his collarbone, but stayed in the race and somehow still remains in the top ten. That was just Stage 1. Along the way, Armstrong has had to battle a heat wave, dehydration, and constant attacks from his main competitors in the mountains. The most memorable moment from this year’s Tour occurred in Stage 9 when last year’s runner-up Joseba Beloki lost control of his bicycle on the melted tarmac of a steep mountain descent and crashed violently right in front of Lance Armstrong. Amazingly, Armstrong did not panic and managed to avoid running into the fallen Spaniard by braking and pulling off the road into a field. Instead of getting back on the road heading into a hairpin turn, Armstrong continued pedaling through the field until he reached a ditch on the other side, where he got off his bike and carried it back onto the road in time to join the pack of riders speeding around the turn. Beloki broke his right leg, wrist, and elbow in the crash, ending his attempt to defeat Armstrong and win his first Tour.

Every great champion needs a great rival to test the absolute limits of his capabilities. Lance Armstrong has a powerful German rider named Jan Ullrich to do just that. Ullrich won the 1997 Tour at age 23 and finished second to Armstrong in both 2000 and 2001 before missing last year’s race with injuries. OLN’s announcing team of Paul Sherwen and Phil Liggett (who by the way is covering his 31st Tour de France), have described Ullrich as "one of the greatest champions in the world" and "soaked in talent." They have compared his riding style to that of a diesel engine, taking awhile to get revved up, but able to sustain high speeds for long periods of time once it gets going. While Armstrong pedals at a fast cadence, often rising out of his saddle for power, Ullrich uses a higher gear, churning from a seated position. Ullrich used that power to great effect in a Stage 12 individual time trial win on Friday, finishing as the only man to complete the 29 mile course in under an hour, as a dehydrated Armstrong fought desperately to hold on to the overall lead. At the end of the day, Armstrong declared Ullrich the new favorite to win this year.

In the 2001 Tour de France, Jan Ullrich and Lance Armstrong were locked in their annual duel when Stage 13 rolled around. On the second to last climb of a punishing day in the Pyrenees, Ullrich overshot a corner and crashed into a ravine. Armstrong, proving himself a gentleman rider, slowed down and waited for Ullrich to recover and get back to the pack, obeying one of the unwritten rules of professional cycling, "You do not take advantage of a competitor who’s gone down with bad luck." Lance went on to win the stage and take the yellow jersey as the overall race leader. The very next day, the last of the climbing days in the Pyrenees, Ullrich and Armstrong were nearing the finish when Ullrich suddenly extended his hand in a gesture of respect and concession. Armstrong clasped the German’s gloved hand and the two rivals crossed the line side-by-side for third and fourth place in the stage. Armstrong went on to take his third straight Tour victory.

That brings us to Monday’s Stage 15, once again in the Pyrenees. With Armstrong looking fallible and downright human at various times during this Tour, the yellow jersey appeared to be in serious jeopardy. Armstrong’s overall lead was a meager 15 seconds over Ullrich and 18 seconds over Kazak rider Alexandre Vinokourov. Several other challengers still had outside chances to catch Armstrong, including Basque racers Haimar Zubeldia and Iban Mayo, and shockingly enough, American Tyler Hamilton, broken collarbone and all. Despite an early attack by Ullrich and a confident breakaway by French rider Sylvain Chavanel, the top riders found themselves bunched together as they came to the final climb of the day, one of the steepest climbs of the Tour. Iban Mayo attacked, trying to put some distance between himself and the pack, but Armstrong didn’t panic, tracking him down and zooming past him. It was the first time in this year’s event that Lance Armstrong attacked the field. But, just as it looked like the four-time winner was back to his dominating form, a spectator’s bag caught Armstrong’s handlebars and violently yanked him to the ground. Mayo hit Armstrong and fell. Ullrich used his outstanding reflexes to swerve around the two fallen riders and stay out of trouble. Armstrong and Mayo quickly mounted their bikes again and tried to catch up to the confused group. Ullrich slowed down, and in a show of sportsmanship so un-American, Hamilton motioned to the rest of the top group to wait for Armstrong and Mayo. But Armstrong didn’t know they were waiting. While in a frenzy to catch up, his foot slipped off the pedal, sending his body lurching forward and his crotch painfully into the bicycle seat. However, he did not go down. Instead, Armstrong recovered yet again and, with Mayo, caught back up to the challenging group. When they were all together, Mayo decided to go on the attack once more. This time, Armstrong not only counter-attacked, he powered past Mayo and kept going. With 9 km to go to the summit and stage finish, Armstrong "put the other riders into difficulty," as the OLN’s Phil Liggett likes to say in his artful commentary. Ullrich’s face read agony. Hamilton fell back. Mayo and Zubeldia struggled to keep pace. But no one would catch Armstrong on this day. Fueled by the adrenaline from his crash, Armstrong performed his version of the Misty Mountain Hop through the foggy Pyrenees, seemingly dancing on the pedals. He eventually caught breakaway rider Chavanel, and gave him a respectful pat on the back as he passed him, as if to say, "If I didn’t need the time bonus for winning the stage, I would’ve let you take the glory today." With a pained grimace on his face, dirt on his back, and blood on his elbow, Armstrong crossed the line 40 seconds ahead of Ullrich, Mayo, and Zubeldia. He padded his overall lead and took control of his own destiny in his drive for five. The Outdoor Life Network’s studio analyst Bob Roll, not one to shy away from hyperbole, called it the best single day bike race he’s ever seen in his life. When asked how these bike riders can display so much sportsmanship and class while they endure tremendous amounts of pain and stress, Roll replied, "These are the toughest men on earth. Bike racing is all about suffering... The nature of the sport is so beautiful. And it’s such a compelling allegory to real life. You help out, you compete, and at the end, the best man wins."

This Sunday, the grueling three-week event, covering 2,130 miles in 21 stages will come to an end with its ceremonial ride down the Champs-Elysses. Whether or not Lance Armstrong will still be wearing the yellow jersey in Paris will most likely be decided in Saturday’s final individual time trial. Ullrich has already proven he can beat Armstrong in a time trial. Can he do it again? It’s not too late to jump on to the peloton and take a ride through France with the best cyclists on the planet. The Outdoor Life Network will be televising the remaining stages live and on tape throughout the days. CBS will broadcast a special highlight show on Sunday afternoon, including the last stage into Paris.

Unfortunately, my burning curiosity doesn’t allow me to wait until the evening telecast to watch it without knowing what happened. In my mind, the result is out there in the world and I have to have it. But, for me, the thrill is in watching the events unfold, even if I already know who won the stage and in what time. Sure, I’d rather be in the same time zone and watch the race live, but right now that’s not possible. Someday though, I’ll be one of those lunatic fans on the side of the road, waving their colorful towels at the passing riders like amateur matadors. Until then, the rest day is over and the guys are back on the attack. Now I have to catch my breath and see if I have what it takes to stay with them.

PIKER LIKERS

People Who Check My Blog Every Day
(in alphabetical order)

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Long live Piker!

IMBIBABLES

My Favorite Soft Beverages

1. Canada Dry Ginger Ale
2. Dr. Brown's Black Cherry
3. The Arnold Palmer
4. Root Beer Float
5. Gatorade - Orange Ice
6. Rasberry Iced Tea
7. Coke
8. Yoo-Hoo
9. Sprite
10. Fiji Water

THINGS THAT MAKE ME LAUGH

People falling down
People running into walls and other immovable objects
Snoring
Farting
Toilet humor
People who take themselves too seriously
Funny words
Funny faces
Extreme silliness
Some forms of insanity
Really smart jokes
Little kids
Pot brownies

PIKERLOGUE -- HEY JUNE

My Girl and I have been back in LA for a few days now, reacquainting ourselves with our LA friends and re-establishing our routines. Returning home after a lengthly vacation is never an easy task, but after such a satisfying three weeks on the East Coast, the transition back to life in the Wild West has been a relatively smooth one. As I type out this public diary of our travels, I'm bombarded by mixed emotions. I'm elated to have spent such quality time with so many people, yet I'm dejected by thought of it all becoming an instant part of my past. As my globetrotting, world-wise friend Missy says, "I'm all about nostalgia. It's why I make memories in the first place." Ultimately, I'm thankful I had the opportunity to take such a long and leisurely vacation and overjoyed to have shared it all with such a special person. That's My Girl.

Sunday, June 1

Gorgeous Durham day, sunny and windy. Ran 4 miles on the Duke cross-country trail. My Girl's Mom and Chloe ran halfway, then walked the rest. I went with My Girl's Mom to her office on the Duke campus to use her computer to make the prior Piker entry, while My Girl stayed at home to work on her Six Feet Under piece. My Girl's Mom and I met My Girl's Sister and Brother-In-Law and Heather at My Girl's Sister's house and we followed them to the movie theater to see "Finding Nemo." We all thoroughly enjoyed the movie, both for its intelligent humor and its incredibly vibrant computer animation. My Girl's Mom, My Girl, and I went to the supermarket, shopped, and used the automated checkout (a first for me). Went to My Girl's Sister's house for a flank steak dinner, during which we thought up names for the unborn child of My Girl's Sister and My Girl's Brother-In-Law. After dinner, My Girl and I went to Perri and Carter's, hung out for a bit, then went to their neighbor's house to watch the Six Feet Under finale. For reasons beyond us, HBO did not work on the main TV. Halfway through, we found another TV in the house where HBO came in fuzzy but watchable. My Girl felt like she had to watch it, but I refused and instead chatted with Perri, who had never seen a single episode of Six Feet Under.

Monday, June 2 -- MY GIRL'S BIRTHDAY!

My Girl woke up early to work on her Six Feet Under piece. I slept in and then woke up to watch the Six Feet Under finale, which had arrived first thing in the morning on videotape via FedEx courtesy of the HBO publicity department. Loved the riveting finale to another remarkable season of television's very best program. Lunch at Chili's in Durham. Ventured to Chapel Hill and drove down famed Franklin Street and all around the massive UNC campus. Parked and tried to go see "Bend It Like Beckham", but the local weekly incorrectly listed a Monday matinee and left us high and dry. Browsed Schoolkids Records, where My Girl bought an album by Pinback called "Blue Screen Life". Had a beer at Top of the Hill, a brewery and bar overlooking the college town, before meeting My Girl's Family for dinner at The Flying Burrito. Went back to My Girl's Sister's house for a scrumptious chocolate cake made by My Girl's Mom and Mochi balls. My Girl opened her presents -- a digital camera from My Girl's Mom and myself, fancy hand cream and a hilarious candle-holding metal sculpture of a dog from My Girl's Sister and Brother-In-Law. I also presented My Girl with a tear-inducing poem I wrote special for her birthday. Yes, Piker can be quite the sentimental sap.

Tuesday, June 3

Ran 4 miles on the Duke cross-country trail. Watched the first set of the Andre Agassi-Guillermo Coria match while My Girl did some yard work. Met Jimmy for lunch at Mad Hatter's. Raced to Raleigh to catch the IMAX movie "Everest" at the Exploris museum. Missed the first few minutes, but caught the rest of the impressive climb to the summit of the world's tallest mountain. Went for an authentic North Carolina barbecue meal, served family style, at Bullock's with My Girl's Family and Preston, a 13 year-old boy being tutoree of My Girl's Mom. Watched the Miss Universe pageant, rooting mainly for Miss Japan who finished fifth, and some of "America's Next Top Model", rooting mainly for a meteor to knock out the satellite transmitting UPN's signal.

Wednesday, June 4

Ran 3 miles on the Duke cross-country trail. Drove through Chick-Fil-A for a late lunch. Watched the Albert Costa-Tommy Robredo French Open quarterfinal match from the third set on, witnessing Costa's unprecedented third comeback from a two sets to love deficit in the tournament. As if that wasn't enough, we then watched the five-set thriller between Juan Carlos Ferraro and Fernando Gonzalez. Drained from almost five hours of watching tennis, My Girl and I went to upscale shopping area Brighleaf Square to get My Girl's Mom a thank you card and gift. My Girl's Mom made a delicious dinner for us, with My Girl's Brother-In-Law joining us from the beginning and My Girl's Sister coming late after performing surgery at work. The meal included pork tenderloin, potatoes with ugly celery root, and salad, but the highlight was an unbelievable crabmeat in butter appetizer. After dinner, we said goodbye to My Girl's Sister and Brother-In-Law, then packed up our stuff and prepared for an early morning departure.

Thursday, June 5

Woke up at 4:45 am EST. My Girl's Mom and Chloe drove us to the airport to catch our 6:30 flight out of Raleigh-Durham. Said goodbye and thank you to My Girl's Mom and goodbye to Chloe. As My Girl's Mom got in the car to go, I turned and saw Chloe run up and nudge My Girl's Mom on the left side of her face, as if to say "It's okay. I'm sad too." My Girl and I caught our flight to Charlotte, then our connecting flight to LAX, and despite some serious turbulence over the Midwest and the ridiculous last half hour of "The Recruit", we landed safe and sound in The City of Angels at 11 am PST. V-Rat picked us up at the airport in my 1989 Toyota Celica convertible, but by the time we got in the car, he didn't have enough time to drop us off at home and borrow my car to get to work. So, we went with him all the way to Woodland Hills and dropped him off. On our way home, we stopped at Baja Fresh for lunch. As we waited for our food, I returned a phone call about a possible job, had a great conversation with the producer, and all but secured employment on yet another first-year sitcom for the season. My Girl and I shared a Fat Boy Special, rejoiced at my good fortune, then finally headed home. After a few hours of settling in, V-Rat called for a pickup and ride home. My Girl and I drove back to Woodland Hills to pick him up and drove him back to my apartment with the intention of driving back to My Girl's apartment to spend the night. But, we ran out of steam and decided to sleep at my apartment and return to hers in the morning. We collapsed on the couch and watched "The Thin Red Line" on DVD. I had never seen the movie and was blown away by the beautifully-photographed meditation on WWII and the interconnectedness of all human beings. By the time the movie was over, it was 1:45 am PST. My Girl and I had been up for a full twenty-four hours.

PIKERLOGUE -- MAY DAYS

People often ask, "Piker, how is it that you seem to do an incredible amount of traveling despite the fact that you're such a piker?" To them I reply, "Whether you're the heaviest of hitters of the most pathetic of pikers, all you have to do is let go of convention and imagine that anything is possible." Well, several months ago, My Girl and I put our furry heads together and dreamed up a magical vacation to the East Coast. Two days in Durham, NC, followed by two weeks in New York, capped off by another week in Durham. To keep costs down, as pikers often must do, we flew for free using a couple of US Airways vouchers we got for being bumped off a flight last year. To further keep costs down, as true pikers are wont to do, I suggested we rent a car to drive from Durham to New York instead of purchasing an additional flight. Little did Piker know, My Girl's Mom would dig deep into her kind heart and allow us the use of her Honda CRV for the entire length of the New York leg of our journey. So, all told, our travel costs totaled $60 to fill the gas tank there and back. Not only did it cost us next to nothing to travel, but thanks to the boundless generosity of my second family -- The Schiffers -- we barely had to reach into our pockets for living accommodations while we stayed in the most expensive city in the universe. There were many people who were kind to us along the way, but this amazing sojourn would not have been possible without the goodness of My Girl's Mom and The Schiffers (including Leslie). To them, we are eternally grateful. Below you will find a day-by-day summary of our fantastic voyage.

Wednesday, May 14

Flew from LA to Charlotte, then Charlotte to Raleigh-Durham. My Girl's Mom picks us up at RDU when we arrived after 11 pm.

Thursday, May 15

Ran the Duke cross-country trail. I did four miles, My Girl did three. Hit the drive-thru at Chik-Fil-A and feasted back at My Girl's Mom's house. My Girl's Mom cooked turkey BBQ for dinner. My Girl's Sister and My Girl's Brother-in-Law ate with us. (Shh! Don't tell My Girl's Brother-in-Law it was turkey.)

Friday, May 16

Woke up early and used My Girl's Mom's Honda CRV to drive up to New York City. Wind and rain turned an 8 1/2 hour drive into a 10-hour one. Got to the city and stopped off at Jason and Jodie's apartment. My Girl finally got to meet J & J. Drove crosstown and unloaded our luggage at Mark and Leslie's luxurious apartment 5A on the Upper East Side, then went to a pub for drinks and dinner with Mark and Leslie.

Saturday, May 17

Walked around Soho with Jason. Met Jake in the East Village @ Telephone Bar to grab a beer and watch The Preakness. Delicious dinner and drinks at Ruby Foo's in Times Square with J & J. Burlesque show @ Fez with J & J and for Jodie's friend Liz's birthday.

Sunday, May 18

Brunch at Hot & Crusty with Mark, who detailed the Israel-Palestine conflict for us clearly and concisely. Subway to Williamsburg, Brooklyn for a day with Andrea and Adam. Walked through some galleries, ate lunch on a patio outside at some hip place on a beautiful day, chilled in a park on the banks of Brooklyn. Italian dinner in Williamsburg with A & A, Kirchner, and Temma. Played "Celebrity" @ Andrea's until almost 2 am.

Monday, May 19

Went to the Salon office in the late afternoon to check out the space. Party @ Bowl-Mor in honor of My Girl and another visiting journalist. Hung out with Jake, Cynthia, Kerry, and others. Dinner at Coffee Shop with Kerry, Joan Walsh, and Lisa DiPaulo. Drinks with Kerry @ Luna Park in Union Square.

Tuesday, May 20

Walked through Central Park on 72nd Street to meet my college buddy Carey at a Starbucks on the Upper West Side. Chatted with Carey (who is now an Orthodox Jew) for a few hours, then stopped by to see Meg and The H-Bomb before going to Jason and Jodie's for dinner. After a delicious home-cooked, three-course meal, the four of us watched the penultimate episode of American Idol and the gut-wrenching finale of 24.

Wednesday, May 21 - DAVID SCHIFFER'S BIRTHDAY

Braved the horrible Long Island Expressway traffic to meet Linnie and Artie for lunch in Great Neck. (We were an hour and a half late.) After lunch we browsed the store -- Linda Silver Designs -- before continuing on to Melville to settle in at Casa Schiffer. To celebrate My Godfather's birthday, we revived our Wednesday night tradition, eating good-quality half-priced sushi at Empire Szechuan and then 2 for 1 sundaes at Carvel. Unfortunately, Mark and David needed to go back to work to solve an urgent business problem, so My Girl and I rushed home to watch the American Idol finale with Linda. Happy to see Ruben win over the Off-Broadway-bound Clay.

Thursday, May 22

Drove to the South Shore of Long Island for a tour of my early childhood. Took the Meadowbrook Parkway to the Loop Parkway to Lido Beach Boulevard to Long Beach Road. Made the pilgrimmage to Harbor Isle and 236 Island Parkway, the residence in which my maternal grandparents raised my mother and aunt, and the house I am most nostalgiac for out of any from my past. Ate lunch at Easy Bay Diner, where my mother and father used to go for cheeseburgers when they were dating. Uncharacteristically, I ordered steak and eggs and was not disappointed. Using the Nassau County map, we tracked down 460 Bunker Drive in Oceanside, the house I lived in with my parents and brother until I was five years old and our family left Long Island for the sunshine and humidity of South Florida. Regrouped at Casa Schiffer before driving into The City for pizza and beer at David and Meg's and the draft lottery, which cast a palpable disappointment over the group when the Miami Heat landed in the number five slot instead of one of the top three coveted positions. Those in attendance included Craig and Michelle, Fuchs, J & J, and of course Dave and Meg. Drove back to Long Island to spend the night.

Friday, May 23

Woke up early and packed up for the weekend. Hit the ATM, drugstore, bagel place before heading to the Bayshore train station. Parked and took the shuttle van to the ferry, which we took to reach the Three Gables house on Fire Island at 1pm. Played a couple afternoon games of Scrabble with J-Rat, V-Rat, and Rotblut and ate bagel sandwiches cooked by New York fireman and all-around nice guy Joe. Shareowners trickled in until the bulk of The Core -- Missy, Michele, Sandra, Cassandra, and Amiel -- arrived around 8pm and the weekend began in earnest. Walked to town and hit the bars, drinking heavily and dancing wildly at The Albatross before taking over the pool table at Hauser's until closing. Walked back to the house as the sun was coming up.

Saturday, May 24

Jen and Jesse arrived to fill out The Core group. Played two-on-two football on the deserted beach with J-Rat, V-Rat, and Rotblut while My Girl and Michele sat on the beach and watched. On the last play, I layed out for a ball, going fully parallel, and had the ball in my hands until I landed and the ball punched me in the nose, drawing blood and ending the game without a single pass being completed. Being that the weather was overcast and dreary, we hung out in the house the rest of the day, playing more games of Scrabble and laughing about the silliest shit I couldn't possible begin to recount. Early evening ushered in the casual drinking. Joe and Sandra spearheaded a group effort to cook up a make-your-own-chicken burrito feast. Then the drinking got serious. Again, went into town to imbibe and girate at The Albatross, and once again, the sun started to rise as we stumbled back to the house.

Sunday, May 24

Huddled on the screened-in porch on another nasty, chilly day, The Core watched a double-fantastic double-feature of "Almost Famous" and "American Beauty", neither of which Rotblut had seen before. Half the group went out for dinner and half, including My Girl and I stayed in for a burgers and dogs BBQ. A fractured game of Pictionary fizzled out and gave way to a 12-player, 3-team game of Celebrity. After much coaxing and repeated explanation of the simple rules, the majority of the group takes to the game like an addict to methadone. The game actually had to be curtailed due to extremely loud laughter during the"acting out the celebrity name" round while some of the shareowners were trying to sleep. Milked a few more hours of laughs out of Rotblut as we walked into town at 4pm to track down a couple of slices and an ATM.

Monday, May 25 -- MEMORIAL DAY OBSERVED

Braved a torrential downpour to run into town to solve the nagging ATM problem. Returned to the house thoroughly drenched from head to toe. Gathered our luggage, said our goodbyes, and braved the conditions yet again to make the 11:20am Seaview Ferry. My Girl and I talked to Jesse on the ferry ride and laughed as we immediately reminisced about the freshly-finished Fire Island weekend. I talked and laughed so hard the crusty old lady sitting in front of me had to cover her ears and switch seats with her undoubtedly miserable husband. Reached the mainland and took a crowded shuttle van back to the train station, where we parted ways with Jesse, found our car, and changed out of our soaked clothes. Drove out to the North Fork of Long Island (the antithesis of the much-ballyhooed South Fork known as The Hamptons) and arrived at the brand-new compound on the bay built from scratch by my cousins Arlene and Ed. Ate wraps for lunch with Arlene and Ed and my Aunt Ellen and her two boys, my two first cousins Seth and Eli, who were in from Amherst, Mass. Toured the state-of-the-art house, complete with digital weather station, surveillance equipment, a wine refrigerator, a poolhouse, a putting green and sand trap, among other amenities and modern conveniences. Watched the video of Eli's high school basketball state championship and chatted for a few hours before the time came for everyone to return to their normal lives. Ellen, Seth, and Eli left to catch the ferry back to Connecticut to retrieve their car to drive back to Massachusetts. Arlene and Ed packed up to head back to their apartment in The City. And My Girl and I cruised on the L.I.E. back to Exit 50 and Casa Schiffer, where we ate a take-out Chinese dinner with The Schiffers, then hung out and exchanged stories with Taryn, Linda, and David.

Tuesday, May 27

Joined David and Mark at Safe Banking Systems for a take-out lunch from Melville Deli. Said goodbye and went back to Casa Schiffer to pack up and head back to The City. Attended an informal screening of a short film our friend Kirchner is editing at the director's apartment. Also in attendance were our friend Andrea and Adam, Temma, and Kirchner. After watching the short, we gave the director the feedback he was seeking, then went out for Indian food in the East Village. Kirchner joined My Girl and I as we met Missy, Lisa, J-Rat, Cassandra, and Amiel for drinks at Bar Six. Spent the night in our guest room at 5A.

Wednesday, May 28

Ate crepes for brunch at Le Bonne Soupe on 55th and 5th. Met Jason and took the subway uptown to Spanish Harlem. Walked a few blocks to 105th and 5th, the entrance to the magnificent Conservatory Garden. Although, on the overcast day with nothing much in bloom, it wasn't quite as magnificent as I remembered. Despite the thunder and ominous clouds, we wandered through Central Park, coming across a waterfall and a cave before reaching the top of the park at 110th street. Raced the rain to 104th and Broadway to see The Building -- a three-story structure my grandfather bought way back when during his days in the supermarket business, which now houses a Rite Aid and Spanish gallery. Took the subway back downtown to J-Yoz's apartment and chilled until Jo-Yoz got home. Then the four of us met Dave and Meg for dinner at Isabella's. After a stop off at a decadent bakery called Crumbs, Jo-Yoz said goodnight and goodbye while the rest of us went back to Dave and Meg's to eat our cupcakes. Said goodbye to my lifelong friends and strolled crosstown to 5A to spend our last night in town.

Thursday, May 29

Up at 7am. Got the car from the parking garage as My Girl ran across the street to grab some coffee and crumb cake from Starbucks. Left NYC at around 8pm and started the drive back down to Durham. Stopped off in Washington D.C. around noon for a tour of the NPR studios, arranged and led by My Girl's editor at "All Things Considered." On his recommendation, we went for lunch at Eat First, a Chinese restaurant he claimed was the best in the city. Unimpressed but satiated, we continued our drive along the Eastern seaboard and arrived in Durham at 7:15pm. My Girl's Mother cooked up a lasagna for dinner and My Girl and I passed out from exhaustion shortly after. Breakfast in New York, Lunch in D.C., Dinner in Durham.

Friday, May 30

Lunch at Chick-Fil-A, the greatest fast food chicken place of all-time. Coffee at Mad Hatter's. Browsed the Regulator bookstore. Took Chloe, the family's highly intelligent and moody rough-cut Jack Russell terrier, for a walk on along the Hillandale Golf Course. For dinner, home-cooked lasagna leftovers with My Girl's Mom, My Girl's Sister, and My Girl's Brother-In-Law.

Saturday, May 31

Regulator bookstore for coffee. Hit the drive-thru at Biscuitville for breakfast with Chloe along for the ride. Ran 3 miles on the cross-country trail on the Duke campus, while My Girl's Mom, My Girl's Sister, and Chloe walked. Went with My Girl's Mom to Best Buy to purchase Heather's birthday present Visited My Girl's good friends Perri and Carter and ate dinner with them and their adorable two year-old girl Phereby. During dinner, Phereby turned to me and asked "How come you're so funny?" I responded that I come from a Jewish family in which my mother gave me her gregarious, fun-loving personality and my father passed on his dry, sarcastic wit. I'm not sure Phereby fully understood my answer to her question, but I'm confident someday she will.

OL' PIKER'S STORY HOUR

EXT. PORCH OF A RUNDOWN CABIN - DAY

An aging Piker sits in his rocking chair, whittling a piece of wood into the shape of a remote control.

OL' PIKER

Back in the summer of 2002, My Girl and I weren't working all that much and had lots of free time. You can bet we enjoyed our time too. And how. We played a lot. We ate a lot. And we laughed a lot. And... We traveled all over this great land of ours. We traveled to weddings. We traveled to funerals. We took trips with friends. We attended family reunions. We did it all. But, wherever we went, we never missed a single installment of "American Idol."

Ol' Piker's head tilts back. He begins to snore immediately. After a moment, he snaps back awake.

OL' PIKER

Back then, things were much simpler. Wait, where was I...? That's right, I was telling the tale of "American Idol." I don't quite remember what I wanted to say about it in the first place, but I think it might've been something about how this little crappy throwaway summer show hosted by two clowns featuring a bunch of youngsters who couldn't sing worth a darn suddenly turned into this runaway smash hit. It all happened so fast, it made my head spin. That show put a spell on me. I kept watching it even though I swear to you I hated that program. I mean, it was god-awful. But I could not look away.

Using all his strength, Ol' Piker manages to stand up out of the rocking chair. As soon as he does, the whole chair collapses behind him.

OL' PIKER

In fact, it wasn't until I ran across this magical article on one of those old-fashioned webzines that the whole "American Idol" conundrum made any sense to me.

Ol' Piker scratches his head. After a beat, he sniffs his fingers.

OL' PIKER

At least I think it did...

FELIZ CINCO DE MAYO!

Spreading a bit of good cheer on this fine day, I gaily wished a strange passerby a Feliz Cinco de Mayo. In doing so, it caused me to wonder... If Feliz Navidad is translated as Merry (or Happy) Christmas, how would one translate Los Feliz? That led me to Alta Vista's Babel Fish Translation tool, which quickly provided the answer. Los Feliz means "The Happy One."

This morning, I woke up in The Happy One, took a jog around The Happy One, then left The Happy One and returned home.

THE END



This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes
Again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need
Of some stranger's hand
In a desperate land
Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain

There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the king's highway, baby
Weird seems inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake
Ride the snake, to the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long seven miles
Ride the snake
He is old and his skin is cold

The West is the best
The West is the best
Get here and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is calling us
The blue bus is calling us
Driver, where you taking us

The killer awoke before dawn
He put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went to the room where his sister lived
And then he paid a visit to his brother
And then he walked on down the hall
And he came to a door,and he looked inside
"Father?" - "Yes, son?" - "I want to kill you,
Mother, I want to..."

Come on, baby, take a chance with us
Come on, baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
(Blue bus still now...
Come on, girl)

This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of night we tried to die
This is the end

THE PUNISHER



Three days before his thirty-third birthday, Andre Agassi became the oldest men's tennis player ever to hold the number one ranking. Playing at the U.S. Men's Clay Court Championships, Agassi catapulted over Lleyton Hewitt to take the top spot on the men's tour when he easily defeated Austria's Jurgen Melzer in the semifinals. In breaking Jimmy Connors record, the Punisher regained the number one ranking for the first time since September 10, 2000 when he ceded the mountaintop to his arch nemesis Pete Sampras. But, of course, Andre wasn't satisfied by the accomplishment and one-upped himself by pulling out a thrilling comeback victory over Andy Roddick in the final on Sunday. Agassi defeated the young American upstart for the fourth time against no loses, and in doing so, he picked up his fourth title of the year, including the Australian Open, and ran his overall match record to a dominating 23-1.

33 is flat out old for tennis. What Agassi is doing by ripping up the tour at his age is nothing short of miraculous. I'm turning 32 in a few months and I can barely muster the agility to touch my toes. Wait a minute... I still have toes?!

WILL THE REAL CANCUN PLEASE STAND UP



Unable to reconcile the perverse pleasure I took in viewing "The Real Cancun" and the guilt I felt afterwards, I turned to Salon's resident reality TV expert to help me make sense of the madness. "Beach Blanket Bimbology" reassures us that's it's okay to buy a ticket to see this raunchfest, whether you're a fan of reality television or you're repulsed by it but "dutifully march into the theater in order to document the decline of Western civilization..." Unfortunately for New Line and my friends who produced it, nobody seemed to be buying tickets for any reason, as "The Real Cancun" tallied some rather unimpressive box office numbers this weekend.