PIKERLOGUE -- HEY JUNE

My Girl and I have been back in LA for a few days now, reacquainting ourselves with our LA friends and re-establishing our routines. Returning home after a lengthly vacation is never an easy task, but after such a satisfying three weeks on the East Coast, the transition back to life in the Wild West has been a relatively smooth one. As I type out this public diary of our travels, I'm bombarded by mixed emotions. I'm elated to have spent such quality time with so many people, yet I'm dejected by thought of it all becoming an instant part of my past. As my globetrotting, world-wise friend Missy says, "I'm all about nostalgia. It's why I make memories in the first place." Ultimately, I'm thankful I had the opportunity to take such a long and leisurely vacation and overjoyed to have shared it all with such a special person. That's My Girl.

Sunday, June 1

Gorgeous Durham day, sunny and windy. Ran 4 miles on the Duke cross-country trail. My Girl's Mom and Chloe ran halfway, then walked the rest. I went with My Girl's Mom to her office on the Duke campus to use her computer to make the prior Piker entry, while My Girl stayed at home to work on her Six Feet Under piece. My Girl's Mom and I met My Girl's Sister and Brother-In-Law and Heather at My Girl's Sister's house and we followed them to the movie theater to see "Finding Nemo." We all thoroughly enjoyed the movie, both for its intelligent humor and its incredibly vibrant computer animation. My Girl's Mom, My Girl, and I went to the supermarket, shopped, and used the automated checkout (a first for me). Went to My Girl's Sister's house for a flank steak dinner, during which we thought up names for the unborn child of My Girl's Sister and My Girl's Brother-In-Law. After dinner, My Girl and I went to Perri and Carter's, hung out for a bit, then went to their neighbor's house to watch the Six Feet Under finale. For reasons beyond us, HBO did not work on the main TV. Halfway through, we found another TV in the house where HBO came in fuzzy but watchable. My Girl felt like she had to watch it, but I refused and instead chatted with Perri, who had never seen a single episode of Six Feet Under.

Monday, June 2 -- MY GIRL'S BIRTHDAY!

My Girl woke up early to work on her Six Feet Under piece. I slept in and then woke up to watch the Six Feet Under finale, which had arrived first thing in the morning on videotape via FedEx courtesy of the HBO publicity department. Loved the riveting finale to another remarkable season of television's very best program. Lunch at Chili's in Durham. Ventured to Chapel Hill and drove down famed Franklin Street and all around the massive UNC campus. Parked and tried to go see "Bend It Like Beckham", but the local weekly incorrectly listed a Monday matinee and left us high and dry. Browsed Schoolkids Records, where My Girl bought an album by Pinback called "Blue Screen Life". Had a beer at Top of the Hill, a brewery and bar overlooking the college town, before meeting My Girl's Family for dinner at The Flying Burrito. Went back to My Girl's Sister's house for a scrumptious chocolate cake made by My Girl's Mom and Mochi balls. My Girl opened her presents -- a digital camera from My Girl's Mom and myself, fancy hand cream and a hilarious candle-holding metal sculpture of a dog from My Girl's Sister and Brother-In-Law. I also presented My Girl with a tear-inducing poem I wrote special for her birthday. Yes, Piker can be quite the sentimental sap.

Tuesday, June 3

Ran 4 miles on the Duke cross-country trail. Watched the first set of the Andre Agassi-Guillermo Coria match while My Girl did some yard work. Met Jimmy for lunch at Mad Hatter's. Raced to Raleigh to catch the IMAX movie "Everest" at the Exploris museum. Missed the first few minutes, but caught the rest of the impressive climb to the summit of the world's tallest mountain. Went for an authentic North Carolina barbecue meal, served family style, at Bullock's with My Girl's Family and Preston, a 13 year-old boy being tutoree of My Girl's Mom. Watched the Miss Universe pageant, rooting mainly for Miss Japan who finished fifth, and some of "America's Next Top Model", rooting mainly for a meteor to knock out the satellite transmitting UPN's signal.

Wednesday, June 4

Ran 3 miles on the Duke cross-country trail. Drove through Chick-Fil-A for a late lunch. Watched the Albert Costa-Tommy Robredo French Open quarterfinal match from the third set on, witnessing Costa's unprecedented third comeback from a two sets to love deficit in the tournament. As if that wasn't enough, we then watched the five-set thriller between Juan Carlos Ferraro and Fernando Gonzalez. Drained from almost five hours of watching tennis, My Girl and I went to upscale shopping area Brighleaf Square to get My Girl's Mom a thank you card and gift. My Girl's Mom made a delicious dinner for us, with My Girl's Brother-In-Law joining us from the beginning and My Girl's Sister coming late after performing surgery at work. The meal included pork tenderloin, potatoes with ugly celery root, and salad, but the highlight was an unbelievable crabmeat in butter appetizer. After dinner, we said goodbye to My Girl's Sister and Brother-In-Law, then packed up our stuff and prepared for an early morning departure.

Thursday, June 5

Woke up at 4:45 am EST. My Girl's Mom and Chloe drove us to the airport to catch our 6:30 flight out of Raleigh-Durham. Said goodbye and thank you to My Girl's Mom and goodbye to Chloe. As My Girl's Mom got in the car to go, I turned and saw Chloe run up and nudge My Girl's Mom on the left side of her face, as if to say "It's okay. I'm sad too." My Girl and I caught our flight to Charlotte, then our connecting flight to LAX, and despite some serious turbulence over the Midwest and the ridiculous last half hour of "The Recruit", we landed safe and sound in The City of Angels at 11 am PST. V-Rat picked us up at the airport in my 1989 Toyota Celica convertible, but by the time we got in the car, he didn't have enough time to drop us off at home and borrow my car to get to work. So, we went with him all the way to Woodland Hills and dropped him off. On our way home, we stopped at Baja Fresh for lunch. As we waited for our food, I returned a phone call about a possible job, had a great conversation with the producer, and all but secured employment on yet another first-year sitcom for the season. My Girl and I shared a Fat Boy Special, rejoiced at my good fortune, then finally headed home. After a few hours of settling in, V-Rat called for a pickup and ride home. My Girl and I drove back to Woodland Hills to pick him up and drove him back to my apartment with the intention of driving back to My Girl's apartment to spend the night. But, we ran out of steam and decided to sleep at my apartment and return to hers in the morning. We collapsed on the couch and watched "The Thin Red Line" on DVD. I had never seen the movie and was blown away by the beautifully-photographed meditation on WWII and the interconnectedness of all human beings. By the time the movie was over, it was 1:45 am PST. My Girl and I had been up for a full twenty-four hours.

PIKERLOGUE -- MAY DAYS

People often ask, "Piker, how is it that you seem to do an incredible amount of traveling despite the fact that you're such a piker?" To them I reply, "Whether you're the heaviest of hitters of the most pathetic of pikers, all you have to do is let go of convention and imagine that anything is possible." Well, several months ago, My Girl and I put our furry heads together and dreamed up a magical vacation to the East Coast. Two days in Durham, NC, followed by two weeks in New York, capped off by another week in Durham. To keep costs down, as pikers often must do, we flew for free using a couple of US Airways vouchers we got for being bumped off a flight last year. To further keep costs down, as true pikers are wont to do, I suggested we rent a car to drive from Durham to New York instead of purchasing an additional flight. Little did Piker know, My Girl's Mom would dig deep into her kind heart and allow us the use of her Honda CRV for the entire length of the New York leg of our journey. So, all told, our travel costs totaled $60 to fill the gas tank there and back. Not only did it cost us next to nothing to travel, but thanks to the boundless generosity of my second family -- The Schiffers -- we barely had to reach into our pockets for living accommodations while we stayed in the most expensive city in the universe. There were many people who were kind to us along the way, but this amazing sojourn would not have been possible without the goodness of My Girl's Mom and The Schiffers (including Leslie). To them, we are eternally grateful. Below you will find a day-by-day summary of our fantastic voyage.

Wednesday, May 14

Flew from LA to Charlotte, then Charlotte to Raleigh-Durham. My Girl's Mom picks us up at RDU when we arrived after 11 pm.

Thursday, May 15

Ran the Duke cross-country trail. I did four miles, My Girl did three. Hit the drive-thru at Chik-Fil-A and feasted back at My Girl's Mom's house. My Girl's Mom cooked turkey BBQ for dinner. My Girl's Sister and My Girl's Brother-in-Law ate with us. (Shh! Don't tell My Girl's Brother-in-Law it was turkey.)

Friday, May 16

Woke up early and used My Girl's Mom's Honda CRV to drive up to New York City. Wind and rain turned an 8 1/2 hour drive into a 10-hour one. Got to the city and stopped off at Jason and Jodie's apartment. My Girl finally got to meet J & J. Drove crosstown and unloaded our luggage at Mark and Leslie's luxurious apartment 5A on the Upper East Side, then went to a pub for drinks and dinner with Mark and Leslie.

Saturday, May 17

Walked around Soho with Jason. Met Jake in the East Village @ Telephone Bar to grab a beer and watch The Preakness. Delicious dinner and drinks at Ruby Foo's in Times Square with J & J. Burlesque show @ Fez with J & J and for Jodie's friend Liz's birthday.

Sunday, May 18

Brunch at Hot & Crusty with Mark, who detailed the Israel-Palestine conflict for us clearly and concisely. Subway to Williamsburg, Brooklyn for a day with Andrea and Adam. Walked through some galleries, ate lunch on a patio outside at some hip place on a beautiful day, chilled in a park on the banks of Brooklyn. Italian dinner in Williamsburg with A & A, Kirchner, and Temma. Played "Celebrity" @ Andrea's until almost 2 am.

Monday, May 19

Went to the Salon office in the late afternoon to check out the space. Party @ Bowl-Mor in honor of My Girl and another visiting journalist. Hung out with Jake, Cynthia, Kerry, and others. Dinner at Coffee Shop with Kerry, Joan Walsh, and Lisa DiPaulo. Drinks with Kerry @ Luna Park in Union Square.

Tuesday, May 20

Walked through Central Park on 72nd Street to meet my college buddy Carey at a Starbucks on the Upper West Side. Chatted with Carey (who is now an Orthodox Jew) for a few hours, then stopped by to see Meg and The H-Bomb before going to Jason and Jodie's for dinner. After a delicious home-cooked, three-course meal, the four of us watched the penultimate episode of American Idol and the gut-wrenching finale of 24.

Wednesday, May 21 - DAVID SCHIFFER'S BIRTHDAY

Braved the horrible Long Island Expressway traffic to meet Linnie and Artie for lunch in Great Neck. (We were an hour and a half late.) After lunch we browsed the store -- Linda Silver Designs -- before continuing on to Melville to settle in at Casa Schiffer. To celebrate My Godfather's birthday, we revived our Wednesday night tradition, eating good-quality half-priced sushi at Empire Szechuan and then 2 for 1 sundaes at Carvel. Unfortunately, Mark and David needed to go back to work to solve an urgent business problem, so My Girl and I rushed home to watch the American Idol finale with Linda. Happy to see Ruben win over the Off-Broadway-bound Clay.

Thursday, May 22

Drove to the South Shore of Long Island for a tour of my early childhood. Took the Meadowbrook Parkway to the Loop Parkway to Lido Beach Boulevard to Long Beach Road. Made the pilgrimmage to Harbor Isle and 236 Island Parkway, the residence in which my maternal grandparents raised my mother and aunt, and the house I am most nostalgiac for out of any from my past. Ate lunch at Easy Bay Diner, where my mother and father used to go for cheeseburgers when they were dating. Uncharacteristically, I ordered steak and eggs and was not disappointed. Using the Nassau County map, we tracked down 460 Bunker Drive in Oceanside, the house I lived in with my parents and brother until I was five years old and our family left Long Island for the sunshine and humidity of South Florida. Regrouped at Casa Schiffer before driving into The City for pizza and beer at David and Meg's and the draft lottery, which cast a palpable disappointment over the group when the Miami Heat landed in the number five slot instead of one of the top three coveted positions. Those in attendance included Craig and Michelle, Fuchs, J & J, and of course Dave and Meg. Drove back to Long Island to spend the night.

Friday, May 23

Woke up early and packed up for the weekend. Hit the ATM, drugstore, bagel place before heading to the Bayshore train station. Parked and took the shuttle van to the ferry, which we took to reach the Three Gables house on Fire Island at 1pm. Played a couple afternoon games of Scrabble with J-Rat, V-Rat, and Rotblut and ate bagel sandwiches cooked by New York fireman and all-around nice guy Joe. Shareowners trickled in until the bulk of The Core -- Missy, Michele, Sandra, Cassandra, and Amiel -- arrived around 8pm and the weekend began in earnest. Walked to town and hit the bars, drinking heavily and dancing wildly at The Albatross before taking over the pool table at Hauser's until closing. Walked back to the house as the sun was coming up.

Saturday, May 24

Jen and Jesse arrived to fill out The Core group. Played two-on-two football on the deserted beach with J-Rat, V-Rat, and Rotblut while My Girl and Michele sat on the beach and watched. On the last play, I layed out for a ball, going fully parallel, and had the ball in my hands until I landed and the ball punched me in the nose, drawing blood and ending the game without a single pass being completed. Being that the weather was overcast and dreary, we hung out in the house the rest of the day, playing more games of Scrabble and laughing about the silliest shit I couldn't possible begin to recount. Early evening ushered in the casual drinking. Joe and Sandra spearheaded a group effort to cook up a make-your-own-chicken burrito feast. Then the drinking got serious. Again, went into town to imbibe and girate at The Albatross, and once again, the sun started to rise as we stumbled back to the house.

Sunday, May 24

Huddled on the screened-in porch on another nasty, chilly day, The Core watched a double-fantastic double-feature of "Almost Famous" and "American Beauty", neither of which Rotblut had seen before. Half the group went out for dinner and half, including My Girl and I stayed in for a burgers and dogs BBQ. A fractured game of Pictionary fizzled out and gave way to a 12-player, 3-team game of Celebrity. After much coaxing and repeated explanation of the simple rules, the majority of the group takes to the game like an addict to methadone. The game actually had to be curtailed due to extremely loud laughter during the"acting out the celebrity name" round while some of the shareowners were trying to sleep. Milked a few more hours of laughs out of Rotblut as we walked into town at 4pm to track down a couple of slices and an ATM.

Monday, May 25 -- MEMORIAL DAY OBSERVED

Braved a torrential downpour to run into town to solve the nagging ATM problem. Returned to the house thoroughly drenched from head to toe. Gathered our luggage, said our goodbyes, and braved the conditions yet again to make the 11:20am Seaview Ferry. My Girl and I talked to Jesse on the ferry ride and laughed as we immediately reminisced about the freshly-finished Fire Island weekend. I talked and laughed so hard the crusty old lady sitting in front of me had to cover her ears and switch seats with her undoubtedly miserable husband. Reached the mainland and took a crowded shuttle van back to the train station, where we parted ways with Jesse, found our car, and changed out of our soaked clothes. Drove out to the North Fork of Long Island (the antithesis of the much-ballyhooed South Fork known as The Hamptons) and arrived at the brand-new compound on the bay built from scratch by my cousins Arlene and Ed. Ate wraps for lunch with Arlene and Ed and my Aunt Ellen and her two boys, my two first cousins Seth and Eli, who were in from Amherst, Mass. Toured the state-of-the-art house, complete with digital weather station, surveillance equipment, a wine refrigerator, a poolhouse, a putting green and sand trap, among other amenities and modern conveniences. Watched the video of Eli's high school basketball state championship and chatted for a few hours before the time came for everyone to return to their normal lives. Ellen, Seth, and Eli left to catch the ferry back to Connecticut to retrieve their car to drive back to Massachusetts. Arlene and Ed packed up to head back to their apartment in The City. And My Girl and I cruised on the L.I.E. back to Exit 50 and Casa Schiffer, where we ate a take-out Chinese dinner with The Schiffers, then hung out and exchanged stories with Taryn, Linda, and David.

Tuesday, May 27

Joined David and Mark at Safe Banking Systems for a take-out lunch from Melville Deli. Said goodbye and went back to Casa Schiffer to pack up and head back to The City. Attended an informal screening of a short film our friend Kirchner is editing at the director's apartment. Also in attendance were our friend Andrea and Adam, Temma, and Kirchner. After watching the short, we gave the director the feedback he was seeking, then went out for Indian food in the East Village. Kirchner joined My Girl and I as we met Missy, Lisa, J-Rat, Cassandra, and Amiel for drinks at Bar Six. Spent the night in our guest room at 5A.

Wednesday, May 28

Ate crepes for brunch at Le Bonne Soupe on 55th and 5th. Met Jason and took the subway uptown to Spanish Harlem. Walked a few blocks to 105th and 5th, the entrance to the magnificent Conservatory Garden. Although, on the overcast day with nothing much in bloom, it wasn't quite as magnificent as I remembered. Despite the thunder and ominous clouds, we wandered through Central Park, coming across a waterfall and a cave before reaching the top of the park at 110th street. Raced the rain to 104th and Broadway to see The Building -- a three-story structure my grandfather bought way back when during his days in the supermarket business, which now houses a Rite Aid and Spanish gallery. Took the subway back downtown to J-Yoz's apartment and chilled until Jo-Yoz got home. Then the four of us met Dave and Meg for dinner at Isabella's. After a stop off at a decadent bakery called Crumbs, Jo-Yoz said goodnight and goodbye while the rest of us went back to Dave and Meg's to eat our cupcakes. Said goodbye to my lifelong friends and strolled crosstown to 5A to spend our last night in town.

Thursday, May 29

Up at 7am. Got the car from the parking garage as My Girl ran across the street to grab some coffee and crumb cake from Starbucks. Left NYC at around 8pm and started the drive back down to Durham. Stopped off in Washington D.C. around noon for a tour of the NPR studios, arranged and led by My Girl's editor at "All Things Considered." On his recommendation, we went for lunch at Eat First, a Chinese restaurant he claimed was the best in the city. Unimpressed but satiated, we continued our drive along the Eastern seaboard and arrived in Durham at 7:15pm. My Girl's Mother cooked up a lasagna for dinner and My Girl and I passed out from exhaustion shortly after. Breakfast in New York, Lunch in D.C., Dinner in Durham.

Friday, May 30

Lunch at Chick-Fil-A, the greatest fast food chicken place of all-time. Coffee at Mad Hatter's. Browsed the Regulator bookstore. Took Chloe, the family's highly intelligent and moody rough-cut Jack Russell terrier, for a walk on along the Hillandale Golf Course. For dinner, home-cooked lasagna leftovers with My Girl's Mom, My Girl's Sister, and My Girl's Brother-In-Law.

Saturday, May 31

Regulator bookstore for coffee. Hit the drive-thru at Biscuitville for breakfast with Chloe along for the ride. Ran 3 miles on the cross-country trail on the Duke campus, while My Girl's Mom, My Girl's Sister, and Chloe walked. Went with My Girl's Mom to Best Buy to purchase Heather's birthday present Visited My Girl's good friends Perri and Carter and ate dinner with them and their adorable two year-old girl Phereby. During dinner, Phereby turned to me and asked "How come you're so funny?" I responded that I come from a Jewish family in which my mother gave me her gregarious, fun-loving personality and my father passed on his dry, sarcastic wit. I'm not sure Phereby fully understood my answer to her question, but I'm confident someday she will.

OL' PIKER'S STORY HOUR

EXT. PORCH OF A RUNDOWN CABIN - DAY

An aging Piker sits in his rocking chair, whittling a piece of wood into the shape of a remote control.

OL' PIKER

Back in the summer of 2002, My Girl and I weren't working all that much and had lots of free time. You can bet we enjoyed our time too. And how. We played a lot. We ate a lot. And we laughed a lot. And... We traveled all over this great land of ours. We traveled to weddings. We traveled to funerals. We took trips with friends. We attended family reunions. We did it all. But, wherever we went, we never missed a single installment of "American Idol."

Ol' Piker's head tilts back. He begins to snore immediately. After a moment, he snaps back awake.

OL' PIKER

Back then, things were much simpler. Wait, where was I...? That's right, I was telling the tale of "American Idol." I don't quite remember what I wanted to say about it in the first place, but I think it might've been something about how this little crappy throwaway summer show hosted by two clowns featuring a bunch of youngsters who couldn't sing worth a darn suddenly turned into this runaway smash hit. It all happened so fast, it made my head spin. That show put a spell on me. I kept watching it even though I swear to you I hated that program. I mean, it was god-awful. But I could not look away.

Using all his strength, Ol' Piker manages to stand up out of the rocking chair. As soon as he does, the whole chair collapses behind him.

OL' PIKER

In fact, it wasn't until I ran across this magical article on one of those old-fashioned webzines that the whole "American Idol" conundrum made any sense to me.

Ol' Piker scratches his head. After a beat, he sniffs his fingers.

OL' PIKER

At least I think it did...

FELIZ CINCO DE MAYO!

Spreading a bit of good cheer on this fine day, I gaily wished a strange passerby a Feliz Cinco de Mayo. In doing so, it caused me to wonder... If Feliz Navidad is translated as Merry (or Happy) Christmas, how would one translate Los Feliz? That led me to Alta Vista's Babel Fish Translation tool, which quickly provided the answer. Los Feliz means "The Happy One."

This morning, I woke up in The Happy One, took a jog around The Happy One, then left The Happy One and returned home.

THE END



This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes
Again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need
Of some stranger's hand
In a desperate land
Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain

There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the king's highway, baby
Weird seems inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake
Ride the snake, to the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long seven miles
Ride the snake
He is old and his skin is cold

The West is the best
The West is the best
Get here and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is calling us
The blue bus is calling us
Driver, where you taking us

The killer awoke before dawn
He put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went to the room where his sister lived
And then he paid a visit to his brother
And then he walked on down the hall
And he came to a door,and he looked inside
"Father?" - "Yes, son?" - "I want to kill you,
Mother, I want to..."

Come on, baby, take a chance with us
Come on, baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
(Blue bus still now...
Come on, girl)

This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of night we tried to die
This is the end

THE PUNISHER



Three days before his thirty-third birthday, Andre Agassi became the oldest men's tennis player ever to hold the number one ranking. Playing at the U.S. Men's Clay Court Championships, Agassi catapulted over Lleyton Hewitt to take the top spot on the men's tour when he easily defeated Austria's Jurgen Melzer in the semifinals. In breaking Jimmy Connors record, the Punisher regained the number one ranking for the first time since September 10, 2000 when he ceded the mountaintop to his arch nemesis Pete Sampras. But, of course, Andre wasn't satisfied by the accomplishment and one-upped himself by pulling out a thrilling comeback victory over Andy Roddick in the final on Sunday. Agassi defeated the young American upstart for the fourth time against no loses, and in doing so, he picked up his fourth title of the year, including the Australian Open, and ran his overall match record to a dominating 23-1.

33 is flat out old for tennis. What Agassi is doing by ripping up the tour at his age is nothing short of miraculous. I'm turning 32 in a few months and I can barely muster the agility to touch my toes. Wait a minute... I still have toes?!

WILL THE REAL CANCUN PLEASE STAND UP



Unable to reconcile the perverse pleasure I took in viewing "The Real Cancun" and the guilt I felt afterwards, I turned to Salon's resident reality TV expert to help me make sense of the madness. "Beach Blanket Bimbology" reassures us that's it's okay to buy a ticket to see this raunchfest, whether you're a fan of reality television or you're repulsed by it but "dutifully march into the theater in order to document the decline of Western civilization..." Unfortunately for New Line and my friends who produced it, nobody seemed to be buying tickets for any reason, as "The Real Cancun" tallied some rather unimpressive box office numbers this weekend.

SCRUBBING UP

Today is the first day of yet another phase of unemployment. My mission now is to complete a damn good sitcom spec script as soon as possible, pair it with my one existing damn good sitcom spec script to get an agent to take me on as a client, and land a long-awaited staff writing gig. The current vehicle for this meteoric rise... "Scrubs."



In searching for an appropriate show to write, I found the television landscape to be barren and bland. The state of comedy on television is woeful. There are, maybe, a few funny shows. I'm already sitting with a polished spec for "Everybody Loves Raymond", I wrote a "Friends" years ago when that show was still in its prime, "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is hilarious but I feel like the fun is in the improvisation not the writing, "The Office" is fantastic but not yet a known quantity in the industry, "Malcolm in the Middle" is a good one to write but I don't know the show very well, and I like "Will and Grace" but I don't have any desire to write one, unless of course they hired me to. So that leaves "Scrubs," a show I feel comes off as a winning combination of silly and sweet, which fits my voice perfectly. I've read several "Scrubs" scripts, I've watched a handful of episodes on tape, and I've scoured the episode guides to get a sense of the overall arc and fill in any gaps in my knowlege of the show. Now comes the hard part. Brainstorming to find a story I want to tell. Any of you doctors out there have any war stories you want to share?

GLUTEUS ERRONEUS

Although not one person reacted in any way shape or form, I must formally issue a retraction to a prior post. The red bathing-suited basketball booty featured Tuesday on this site does not in fact belong to Salon's Superhot TV Critic. By all accounts, her posterior is even more spectacular than that! I, for one, thought it was obvious who the derriere in the photo belonged to, but for those of you who failed to identify that unmistakable bottom, it's none other than Bathing Suit Britney. Now Britney is certainly not in need of any sort of makeover, but I was in desperate needed of a segueway, so without further adieu, I proudly direct you to an article on "Extreme Makeover" written by the woman with the greatest ass-et in television criticism. If that isn't titillating enough, maybe the lesbian kiss on "All My Children" is hot enough for ya.

STONED STUPID

What may be the world's worst pot smoker has been found in Carlsbad, New Mexico. Eighteen year-old Robin Loftin was appearing in magistrate court on Tuesday facing charges of driving with a suspended license and failure to renew his registration. As the judge entered the courtroom, Loftin removed his hat and a joint fell out and hit the floor. Needless to say, that pissed off the judge, who immediately cited the stoner for contempt of court and sent him to a detention center. Loftin, mental midget that he is, just served ten days in jail in March for a marijuana-related charge. Apparently, a cop witnessed the moron hiding his bong in a cabinet at a party. Is this guy an idiot or what?

REALITY TV: THE MOVIE



In true voyeuristic fashion, I indulged my curiosity and attended a special screening of "The Real Cancun" this evening. Out... of... control. Wild and fun and flawed, "Cancun" left my head swirling with images and is forcing me to confront my true feelings on the whole reality television craze, which has obviously now set its sights on the big screen. I'm still sorting it all out and will try to formulate an overall opinion overnight with the intention of shedding some light on the seemingly superficial yet inconspicuously complicated subject matter.

BOOMTOWN FRATS

That Superhot Salon TV Critic is at it yet again with two brand spanking new columns. In "The Real World" With Beer Bongs, she rips into the pack mentality of the frat boys on MTV's "Fraternity Life," but ultimately and surprisingly gives the Greeks the benefit of the doubt. In Reinventing the McDrama, she does yeoman's work in helping to contribute to the rapidly-growing buzz over "Boomtown" and lays heavy praise on writer/creator Graham Yost, all the while presenting an airtight case for NBC to renew the show for a second season.

Oh, and I think I may have found the only known picture on the net of that Superhot Salon TV Critic's ass.

YEAH!

Wow. Got a chance to see The Yeah Yeah Yeahs at the Henry Fonda Theater on Friday night. That's what I call a power trio. Guitarist Nick Zinner and drummer Brian Chase generate a tidal wave of sound and lead singer Karen O surfs the crest. From the moment she strutted out on stage -- picking straws out of her cleavage, putting them in her mouth, then spitting them out -- O owned the joint. She mesmerized the edgy youngish crowd with her writhing and prancing and bending over and a voice alernating between a lioness' roar and blues babe's bawl. Brash and trashy one minute, cute and playful the next, she made it so you couldn't take your eyes off her for one second. Already billed as the next Chrissie Hynde, for a few brief flashes, when she turned her back to the audience, or hopped around on one foot, or flirted with danger by swinging the mike around wildly, she opened a door into the past and reflected Jim Morrison. I echoed the sentiments of a new friend of mine who went to the show with us, when he said "Everyone there either wanted to be her or sleep with her and some wanted both." He stated out loud something I felt for a nanosecond but instantly buried deep down, "I never understood why people wanted to touch something a rock star just sweated on, but when she put that hat on her head then tossed it into the crowd, I understood. I wanted to touch the hat." I too wanted to touch the hat. Karen O made everyone want a piece of her and Friday night they were lucky to get it in such an intimate setting. The newly revamped and reopened Henry Fonda Theater, a Hollywood Blvd. remnant from Old Hollywood, offered concert-goers the opportunity to view the show in a variety of ways -- down and dirty on the floor in front of the stage, civilized and comfortable from the theater seats on the mezzanine level, or with a drink in one hand and a smoke in the other on the outdoor deck with the show projected onto a giant wall. Some great indie rock acts passing through there these days and after Friday night, the Henry Ford now ranks among my favorite venues in LA.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs have a hit single on the British charts, a brand new album on Interscope Records set for release a week from tomorrow, and the swell of the Brooklyn buzz fueling their rise. The sky might not even be the limit. Yeah.

MARATHON MAN

Will Ferrell is running a marathon today. And it's not just any old marathon he's running, it's the Boston Marathon. If you've seen the funnyman on "Saturday Night Live" in the past, all too willing to showcase his spare tire and pudgy ass, it may be a bit of a stretch to imagine Ferrell in marathon running shape. But he's in it -- weighing a svelt 195 pounds on his now lanky 6-foot-3 body. Ferrell and his wife Viveca ran the New York City Marathon in 2001, finishing in just over five hours. Then the two went on to run the Stockholm Marathon, where Ferrell completed the race in just under four and a half hours. Then in November, Ferrell finished a half marathon in about one hour and forty-five minutes. This is no joke. The slapsticky comedian takes his running very seriously, employing a running coach and the latest technology to improve his time and study the craft of running. Today he's aiming to finish the legendary Boston run in under four hours.

I ran for the first time in a long while this weekend, trying to kickstart a health kick and whip my fat ass into some sort of shape. Last year, during my running heyday, I had two ten-mile runs. If I can find the discipline to take my running to another level, perhaps I'll follow in Ferrell's footsteps...

UPDATE: He did it! Ferrell broke four hours and outlasted Endurance Elvis.

NETFLIX NET LOSS

I'm no expert at reading into quarterly reports, but I always find it intriguing when a company announcing it's losing money is taken as a positive sign. Netlix, my preferred online DVD rental service, reported earnings today and the news was good. For the quarter, the company had a net loss of $4.5 million, or 20 cents a share. That compared to a net loss of $4.5 million in the first quarter last year, but a loss of $2.20 a share. What confuses me is the profit figure of $31,000. How can a company operate at a net loss and make a profit? All that doesn't sound so good on the surface, but the numbers show that the company is showing outstanding growth at a faster rate than expected. I'm a huge fan of the service, which allows me to rent 3 movies at a time from my online rental queue, and I can rent as many movies as I want for 20 bucks a month. The postage is paid and the turnaround is a lightning fast three days. I'm catching up on all kinds of old movies -- foreign films, musicals, classics, new releases -- and I always have something on hand that I want to watch. The best part is that since I've been using Netflix I haven't set foot in a Blockbuster Video store. Take that, you evil corporate bastards!

PEOPLE REALLY ARE WATCHING ELLIE



This may not be common knowledge, but through six seasons of sitcom television I have yet to work on a show that made it to its second season. Technically, this is the second season of "Watching Ellie", but they've only produced a total of 19 episodes, so it's as if they've only done one real season. After assisting the writing staffs of "Boston Common", "Alright Already", "Maggie Winters", "Sugar Hill", "Battery Park", and "The Ellen Show", I may actually have a shot of working on a returning show. Last night was the season premiere of "Watching Ellie" and America was indeed watching. The show finished second in its time slot to one of my favorites, "24", and retained 88% of its lead-in audience, which was a Museum of Television and Radio special honoring the funniest women in comedy. Next week, the show will stay in its regular time slot at 9:30pm on Tuesday, but it will be preceeded by "Frasier", which is slumping badly this season and dying a slow death. Hopefully, people will continue to watch "Ellie" and I won't have to struggle with my employment search next season. Maybe I'll actually be given a shot as a baby writer...

WET HOT BUTTON AMERICAN SUMMER

Over at The Hot Button, internet film columnist extraodinaire David Poland has put together his Big Summer Movie Preview before escaping for a spring fling in Bermuda. He's pretty confident that this is going to be a blockbuster summer in terms of quality and box office. I'm hoping he's right.

ROY'S NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE

As Brenda so eloquently stated on "Six Feet Under" last night, "Timing is everything in life." Three years ago, Roy Williams was offered the job as head basketball coach at North Carolina, his alma mater, replacing the retiring Bill Guthridge. Guthridge had succeeded the legendary Dean Smith, Williams' mentor, just a couple of years earlier. Back then, the timing wasn't right for Roy Williams, as he declined the offer and stayed at Kansas. In the three-year span since, Williams led Kansas to two Final Fours, this year and last, but failed to win his elusive first national championship both times. The timing must be right now, because Roy Williams broke the news to his Jayhawk players today that he's leaving Kansas to seize a second golden opportunity to click his heels and return home as the coach of the North Carolina Tarheels.

And somewhere, Matt Doherty is feeling like an even bigger asshole than he already was...

MILLER GENUINE DAFT

Salon's outstanding television correspondent gets a little fired up about Dennis Miller's HBO special "The Raw Feed", which aired live this Saturday night. In her article entitled "Dennis the Menace", the astute critic lambasts Miller's latest stand-up performance and dissects his reference-laden brand of humor. If you came here looking for beer and thought the title was a typo, your Miller Time awaits here...

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF PIKER

I read the blog today, oh boy

I'm not sure if you people know this or not, but Piker doesn't have the greatest work ethic in the world. Even when Piker is working, Piker is not really working that hard. But today, Piker was and is still... working. Notice how Piker has now taken to referring to itself in the third person? Anyway, Piker transitioned from "Watching Ellie" (which premieres this Tuesday, April 15) to a pilot called "Rubbing Charlie." So now Piker is involved with both watching Ellie and rubbing Charlie. Wait a second...

So, this is actually the first break Piker has had today. Piker got a call on the supersecret Pikerphone while driving to work. Apparently, Piker's Boss needed Piker, but when Piker got here, Piker's Boss didn't need Piker anymore. As it turned out, Piker's Boss became confused when looking at yesterday's draft and thinking it was today's draft. In the interim, someone handed Piker's Boss today's draft and the confusion was cleared up before Piker could navigate the morning rush hour traffic and park the Pikermobile. But, ever since Piker walked through the door, Piker has been working. Piker's Boss needed to make a last minute change to the script, so Piker had to type that up and distribute it to the proper parties. Then Piker sat in on the table read, at which Piker laughed out loud a few times and was overall quite entertained. Then Piker had to sit in the corner and commit to paper everything that was said while the network gave notes to Piker's Boss. Then Piker moved slightly closer to the table after the network folks took off and the studio people took their turn at giving notes to Piker's Boss, but Piker still had to record every word that was uttered. After that, Piker had to quickly type up the notes and hand them out to Piker's Boss and the visiting writers who were helping out Piker's Boss. Then Piker sat in on the several-hours-long yet fairly amusing writers meeting and once again took down everything that everybody said. (Note: During that time there was a slight break for lunch, at which the writers ate some fancy Italian food while Piker suffered through a meal of bulk-ordered Panda Express.) After the writers had gone through the entire script, Piker's Boss let them go and Piker sat down to type up all the notes from the several-hours-long writers meeting. After having a colleague proofread the typed-up notes, Piker then handed said notes to Piker's Boss. Since that time, Piker has been attempting to complete the process of clearing the character names with the research and legal departments and filling in on the phones when Piker's co-workers were too swamped to pick it up. Otherwise, it's not really Piker's job to answer phones. But, that's the kind of piker that Piker is. And right now, Piker is a piker on hold, waiting for Piker's Boss to communicate when the script changes will be done, whether tonight or sometime this weekend. Exactly when that will happen is any piker's guess.

I'd love to turn you on...

CAN'T CATCH HIM

Premiere magazine's 2003 Power List is out and Steven Spielberg is #1. Spielberg was #6 last year, but took over the top spot after directing two hits this past year with "Minority Report" and "Catch Me If You Can." The Power List issue hits newsstands on Monday, but you wouldn't know anything about The List is you visited the lame Premiere site. Though I conducted a fairly thorough search, I was unable to locate the entire list anywhere. But through various articles, I was able to put together a list of 20 confirmed spots.

#1 - Steven Spielberg
#13 - Tom Hanks
#14 - Tom Cruise
#15 - Mel Gibson
#16 - Julia Roberts
#18 - Brian Grazer
#19 - Jerry Bruckheimer
#20 - Peter Jackson
#21 - M. Night Shyamalan
#26 - Ron Howard
#27 - Andy and Larry Wachowski
#28 - Denzel Washington
#31 - Nicole Kidman
#32 - Reese Witherspoon
#47 - Jennifer Lopez
#63 - Renee Zellweger
#74 - Jack Nicholson
#96 - Halle Berry
#98 - Colin Ferrell
#99 - Kate Hudson

Where's Piker?

I AM NOT A RAGBAG!

Entry: miser
Function: noun
Definition: hoarder
Concept: financial entity
Source: Roget's Interactive Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.0.0)
Copyright © 2003 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Synonyms: Shylock, cheapskate, churl, curmudgeon, glutton, harpy, hoarder, hog, hunks, misanthrope, misanthropist, moneygrubber, muckworm, niggard, penny pincher, pig, piker, pinchfist, pinchpenny, screw, scrimp, scrooge, skinflint, stiff, tightwad

Entry: vagabond
Function: noun
Definition: wanderer
Concept: unsocial entity
Source: Roget's Interactive Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.0.0)
Copyright © 2003 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Synonyms: arab, beachcomber, beggar, bum, deadbeat, derelict, down-and-out, drifter, floater, gypsy, hobo, idler, itinerant, loafer, migrant, nomad, outcast, piker, ragbag, rascal, road agent, rogue, rolling stone, rover, stiff, stray, street arab, stumblebum, tramp, transient, traveller, vagrant, wayfarer

EVERYBODY LOVES A CRITIC

Salon must really love their new TV and entertainment correspondent. They've run a piece of hers nearly every day this week. Today, she raves about "Everybody Loves Raymond" and interviews the show's creator Phil Rosenthal. If you haven't been following these Salon links and clicking through the quick ad they force you to view for total access, you should start doing so. Not only is her writing insightful and entertaining, but she'll save you a whole lot of wasteful channel surfing time. If you let her.

24/6

"24" rebounded in a big way last night. I thought last week's episode was weak, a placeholder segment that felt like it was running in place, and not even on a treadmill. But the show returned to form this week. I enjoyed the smoky gunfight and the developing bond between Kiefer and Cate. And what a great ending. Almost Yoda-like. "In-side......."

But, even when "24" is at its peak, it is still only the second best show currently airing original episodes. I missed the "Six Feet Under" episode that aired on Sunday, but I thankfully I caught it last night. "SFU" consistently operates at the very highest level and continues to display more insight into relationships than most super-therapists. That initial atom-splitting spark of new love is in the room with Claire and Russell in every scene, complete with artistic awkwardness and the ongoing mystery as to Russell's ultimate sexuality. The budding friendship which could turn into something more between Ruth and her new housemate Arthur is highly original and weird and infinitely amusing. Their scenes contain more laughs than the majority of sitcoms on television nowadays. Not much David and Keith this week, but the one scene of them chatting in bed about the girls they used to sleep with made me laugh and cringe and admire the writing and the acting and the reality of it all. The Nate and Lisa stuff was simply inspired, with their passive-aggressive banter finally boiling over on their private walk in the woods during a camping trip. Claire de-virginized Russell, Ruth and Arthur scampered out of the room after accidentally catching a moment of porn on the tube, David and Keith routinely popped in some porn before bed, and Nate and Lisa were forced to compare their sex life to that of their frisky friends. In this episode, sex was under every rock, and then finally, on top of one.

FROM SESAME STREET TO THE STRIP

Who says Salon's resident television critic doesn't have range? On Monday, she celebrated the premiere of the 34th season of the ageless wonder that is PBS' "Sesame Street." Then on Tuesday, she reviewed Lucky the new Vegas-based John Corbett comedy on FX. I'm betting she goes for the kids show over the gamblefest.

CHAMPS A L'ORANGE

After 27 years of coaching Syracuse basketball, Jim Boeheim finally has his national championship. And a snazzy new hat.



After 1 year of playing college basketball, Carmelo Anthony lead his team to a national championship, made the All-America team, and established himself as a can't-miss pro prospect. I see no reason why he should return for another season. He has nothing left to prove at this level. And that big smile is going to land him some major endorsement contracts.



So another phenomenal NCAA Tournament comes to an end. One more shining moment. Now I actually have to go back to living my life. To quote Bill Murray as John Winger from "Stripes" after he lost his job, his car, and his girlfriend, "And then depression set in..."

THE FINAL GAME

[2] Kansas vs [3] Syracuse
9:18 PM ET New Orleans, LA

Kansas and Syracuse meet tonight in the Final Two after the Jayhawks smelted the Golden Eagles and the Orangemen hooked the 'Horns in the semis. All but one of the ESPN Experts are picking Kansas in tonight's final. Maybe this is my heart talking because I want to see Jim Boehiem get his first national championship before Roy Williams, but I think Kansas played to perfection against Marquette and won't be able to duplicate the performance against Syracuse. While Texas didn't have anybody to stop Carmelo Anthony, Keith Langford will be given the task this evening. But, I'm with Andy Katz in wondering if anybody in college basketball can stop that manchild. With all those talented freshmen and sophomores, what if Syracuse wins tonight and everyone comes back next year? Could they possibly join the list of College Basketball's Greatest Teams?

Pick: Syracuse

JUMPIN' JETER

Pending a second opinion by world-renown orthopedist Dr. James Andrews, Derek Jeter will not need surgery on his dislocated left shoulder. Fantastic news for Yankee fans the world over!

FINAL FOUR FEVER

Dick Clark vs. Walter Cronkite. Bob Dole vs. Chris Farley. Confused? Check out this fact sheet for the Final Four teams for an explanation.

"AMERICAN IDOL": THE VIDEO GAME

Coming this fall, PC and PlayStation 2 gamers will be able to create, train, and control characters to compete in the video game version of "American Idol". Players have to hit a combination of buttons to make the video performers dance and sing before they submit themselves to commentary and criticism from judges Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell, just like on the TV version of "American Idol". From the description, it sounds to me like a combination of The Sims and Dance Dance Revolution U.S.A.

ALL-AMERICAN

The Associated Press announced their AP All-America Team today. David West of Xavier was the leading vote-getter and the only one from the preseason All-America team to be named to the postseason team. Hollis Price was sixth in the voting, Carmelo Anthony was seventh. Only three underclassman out of the fifteen players on the three All-America teams. Each team in the Final Four is represented by at least one player, three on the First Team, one on the Second Team, one on the Third Team.

FIRST TEAM

David West, Xavier, senior
Nick Collison, Kansas, senior
Josh Howard, Wake Forest, senior
Dwayne Wade, Marquette, junior
T.J. Ford, Texas, sophomore

SECOND TEAM

Hollis Price, Oklahoma, senior
Kyle Korver, Creighton, senior
Troy Bell, Boston College, senior
Jason Gardner, Arizona, senior
Carmelo Anthony, Syracuse, freshman

THIRD TEAM

Brian Cook, Illinois, senior
Reece Gaines, Louisville, senior
Kirk Hinrich, Kansas, senior
Keith Bogans, Kentucky, senior
Ron Slay, Tennessee, senior

"AMERICAN LIFE"

Pop diva and Material Girl Madonna made the difficult decision to pull her new video "American Life" before it aired here in America. The video, scheduled to premiere tomorrow on VH1, had already aired in Germany, but on Monday, Madonna issued the following statement:

"I have decided not to release my new video. It was filmed before the war started and I do not believe it is appropriate to air it at this time. Due to the volatile state of the world and out of sensitivity and respect to the armed forces, who I support and pray for, I do not want to risk offending anyone who might misinterpret the meaning of this video."

My absolute favorite writer for Salon currently has a cover story on the subject entitled "The Madonna Video You Can't See." Read it.

You want to see the video?

B-BALL BUSINESS

Some mid-week hoops news. The Matt Doherty Era is over in Carolina. The Tarheels' head coach resigned after three seasons. Speculation on who will succeed him has unearthed a distinguished and accomplished list of potential candidates -- including Kansas coach Roy Williams, Stanford coach Mike Montgomery, Utah coach Rick Majerus, Oklahoma coach Kelvin Sampson, and Milwaukee Bucks coach George Karl. Dickie V weighs in. Meanwhile, it looks like a done deal here in LA. It is expected that Pittsburgh head coach Ben Howland will be introduced as the new coach of the UCLA Bruins as early as tomorrow. And finally... Dominique Wilkins, the Human Highlight Film himself, interviewed for the vacant head coaching job at Georgia.

It's an All-Big East final in the NIT with Georgetown and St. John's meeting in The Garden for the title.

Andy Katz on why the tournament is so special.

BLOGGIN' BASEBALL

The 2003 baseball season is officially underway and Peter Gammons believes that after seeing the Angles and the Twins battling it out in the ALCS and then the Angels winning the World Series over the Giants last year, most of the teams in the league can hold out some legitimate hope of reaching the postseason this year.



The Yankees won their opener yesterday 8-4 over the Blue Jays, but it was a costly win, as the Yanks lost superstar shortstop Derek Jeter to a dislocated shoulder on a freak play at third. They're optimistically saying he should be out six weeks. The Bronx Bombers took it out on the Blue Jays today, pounding them 10-1.



With their exorbitant payroll, the Yankees have to expect to get back to the playoffs. But, according to ESPN's expert predictions, the Oakland A's are the team to beat. Of their 27 experts, 11 think the A's will be champs, 4 think it'll be the Red Sox, 3 votes each for the Yankees and Diamondbacks, 2 votes each for the Giants and Cardinals, one guy picks the Astros, and one guy picks the Twins. So, out of all those experts, no one thinks the Angels will repeat?

AND THEN THERE WERE FOUR

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

The Elite 8 has not been kind to #1 seeds thus far. Yesterday, the Marquette Golden Eagles continued their improbable and impressive run by soundly defeating tournament favorite Kentucky and booking their trip to New Orleans for the Final Four. Make no mistake, this was the biggest upset of the tournament, but what was more surprising was the manner in which they did it. The Golden Eagles never even let Kentucky get a whiff of a comeback in the second half, leading by as many as 22 points and winning by 14 in snapping Kentucky's 26-game win streak. Dwayne Wade turned in the best individual performance of the tourney, recording a triple-double (29 points, 11 rebounds, 11 assists) in addition to 4 blocks, 1 steal, and a bunch of monster dunks. Usually, when a team gets such an oustanding contribution from its star, the star tends to overshadow the team a bit, but this was unquestionably the best team effort in any game of this tournament. Marquette has made a believer out of me. I now think they can win it all.

And in the West Region, the news wasn't much better for #1 seed Arizona. In a game of streaks and spurts, the Kansas Jayhawks atoned for an embarrassing collapse against Arizona during the regular season and achieved their revenge by eliminating the Wildcats in the Elite 8 and cutting down the nets as the winner of the tough West bracket. Kirk Hinrich showed up and had a great game, scoring 28 points, playing inspired defense, and lending his team confidence and senior leadership. It was a fantastic game that I really didn't want to see end. I wanted Jason Gardner to knock down the clutch three as time was running out to send the game into OT, so we could see some more brilliant basketball. So, Roy Williams and Kansas go back to the Final Four for the second straight year and Williams gets yet another shot at his first national championship. But, now they have to deal with the mighty Golden Eagles...

To continue the trend, #3 seed Syracuse is up by ten over #1 seed Oklahoma at the half. The Orangemen are essentially playing in front of a home crowd and have stymied the Sooners so far with their tenacious zone D. Oklahoma is tough though. They went to the Final Four last year, they played in the most difficult conference in America, and they have a star who wants the ball at the end in Hollis Price. This one is going to get a lot closer, but I think 'Cuse will hold on for the upset.

But, the run of knocking out the #1 seed will end in the South, where the Texas Longhorns will beat the Michigan State Spartans in front of a whole bunch of Texans in San Antonio. Michigan State's lack of a true point guard led to a disastrous collapse against Maryland and almost cost them the game. But they survived another day to face Texas, which boasts the best point guard in America in T.J. Ford. And guard play will be the difference in this game as the Spartans attempt to lure the Longhorns into an ugly physical battle, with big guys banging inside and clogging the middle and guys crashing to the floor to scramble for loose balls. Look for T.J. to have a big game and the 'Horns to head for N'awlins.

Pick: Texas

THE ELITE

THE MIDWEST

[3] Marquette vs. [1] Kentucky
{In Progress} Minneapolis, MN

Marquette is up by 19 at the half! Complete shocker. I suppose it's too late to make a pick on this game, but I'm guessing Kentucky will make a run at some point and get back into it. Marquette is so well-coached and solid, I really doubt they're going to let it slip away.

THE WEST

[1] Arizona vs. [2] Kansas
7:05 PM ET Anaheim, CA

The rematch. Kansas wants revenge for letting a huge halftime lead evaporate in a regular season loss to Arizona in Kansas. Both teams are talented as hell, but Arizona is definitely deeper. Nick Collison is coming off the best performance of his career and may need to duplicate it, and get help from Kirk Hinrich if Kansas is going to knock off the #1 seed and advance to the Final Four for the second straight year. My gut feeling is, Arizona has too much firepower and too many options on offense.

Pick: Arizona

On a programming note, CBS sucks. Last night, they screwed up their coverage so badly I was screaming at the TV. In both sets of games, they failed to switch over to or Look-In on close ballgames that were going on during their featured games. First, while we were watching early second half action in the Texas-Connecticut game, Butler was cutting into Oklahoma's lead and making it a game. By the time CBS got around to switching over, we saw Butler have a bad sequence with a minute or so left and the game was over. There were only two games going on at the time! That piker network couldn't even make us feel as if we were a part of both games. Completely dropped the ball. Then, they did it again. During halftime of the Michigan State-Maryland game, the Syracuse-Auburn game was coming down to the end. After a long series of commercials, we went back to the studio for first half analysis of the Spartans and Terrapins, ignoring the other game that was close and getting closer. Then another series of commercials, then back to the Michigan State-Maryland game for some on-court commentary. When we finally checked in with the Syracuse-Auburn game there was less than a minute left and Auburn was scrambling to tie it up. I'm glad we got to see the end and catch the excitement of that game, but why weren't we involved with it all along? It was as if CBS had never covered the event before and was learning on the job. Horrible inefficiency. Extremely frustrating. I can't wait until this current contract expires and ESPN hopefully will take over the gig and do it up right. We need Dickie V and Fowler and, well, I could do without Digger, but my point is, ESPN understands the sports viewer and CBS obviously has no clue. Pikers.

CRAZY EIGHTS

Three more exciting basketball games last night. Oklahoma let Butler back in the game late, but Ebi Ere was on fire and the Sooners never really let us believe that they could get beaten by the Bulldogs. Besides that, the other games seemed to follow a similar pattern. Texas had control until T.J. Ford got into foul trouble with over ten minutes left and Connecticut went on a run to make it a great game. Brandon Mouton hit some big shots for Texas and Ford sank some clutch free throws in the final minute to barely escape the Huskies. In like fashion, Michigan State had complete control of their game until Maryland started putting on the full court press and really rattled the point guard-challenged Spartans. In the end, it was a freshman, Paul Davis, who scored Michigan State's last six points, including the eventual game winner, and the Terps senior guard Steve Blake who missed a potential game-winning three at the buzzer. And in yet another squeaker, Syracuse led most of the game, but Auburn nailed four threes in the final minute and a half to pull within one point. The game appeared to be over after the last three went in, but the refs reviewed it and put three tenths of a second back on the clock. The Orangemen inbounded and the game was over, but if there were thirty seconds left in that game instead of three tenths, the Tigers could have pulled the upset.

DANCIN' ON THE CEILING

Three excellent games last night. Wisconsin scared the living crap out of Kentucky. After losing star guard Keith Bogans to a high ankle sprain in the first half, the Wildcats needed a big effort from the rest of their squad to hold off the pesky Badgers. If Bogans can't go on Saturday, the Marquette Golden Eagles could be headed to the Final Four. That's right, Marquette could be headed to the Final Four! The Golden Eagles broke the game open in the second half, then held off a furious comeback from Pittsburgh to advance to the next round. With three minutes left, the Panthers came roaring back and cut a ten-point deficit to one, but Marquette got a huge hoop from its stud Dwayne Wade with 23 seconds left and sank their free throws down the stretch for the victory. Marquette and Kentucky have played more often than any other matchup in tournament history.

In the only non-competitive game of the evening, Arizona blew out Notre Dame to take its rightful place in the Elite 8. I didn't get to see much of the game because CBS did the right thing by sticking with the Kentucky-Wisconsin nail-biter rather than switching to the Wildcats' destruction over the Fighting Irish. Arizona will take on Kansas in the next round, after the Jayhawks defeated the Duke Blue Devils in a game that lived up to its billing. There were a ton of lead changes, great defense, great coaching, and lots of heart. Unforunately for Duke, freshman marksman J.J. Redick was ice cold. He went 2 for 16 from the field, 1 of 11 from behind the arc, to finish with five points. Every time Duke built a lead, they failed to deliver the knockout punch. If one or two of Redick's treys would have fallen, it could have given Duke the momentum to close it out. In a parallel situation, Kansas got a horrible game from its senior guard Kirk Hinrich, who shot 1 of 9 from the field and 0 for 5 from three-point land. But Nick Collison was tough. The senior forward had the game of his life, scoring 33 points and 18 rebounds, while displaying his oustanding hands, footwork, and touch around the basket, in addition to some courageous stamina. So, while Duke regroups for next season with a slew of returning youngsters, Kansas gets its rematch against Arizona in what should be one helluva game.

Check out Dickie V for a higher energy look at last night's Sweet Sixteen games.

The games start in a half hour and I still have to drive crosstown, so in the interest of time, I'm going to refer you to Andy Katz for a breakdown of tonight's matchups and give you my picks.

THE SOUTH

[5] Connecticut (23-9) vs. [1] Texas (24-6)
7:27 PM ET San Antonio, TX

Texas is essentially playing in front of a home crowd and T.J. Ford was just named ESPN player of the year. Hook 'em, Horns!

Pick: Texas

[6] Maryland (21-9) vs. [7] Michigan State (21-12)
9:57 PM ET San Antonio, TX

This is a great matchup. Maryland is still riding the magic of their buzzer-beating opening round victory over UNC Wilmington and Michigan State just flat-out embarrassed my alma mater Florida in the second round. Using the old adage, of I'm going with the team that beat my team...

Pick: Michigan State

THE EAST

[1] Oklahoma (25-6) vs. [12] Butler (27-5)
7:10 PM ET Albany, NY

I refure to get burned by the Bulldogs again! I think they have a legitimate chance to beat the Sooners, I'm rooting for them, and I'd rather pick them and be wrong than underestimate them one more time.

Pick: Butler

[3] Syracuse (26-5) vs. [10] Auburn (22-11)
9:40 PM ET Albany, NY

Auburn has proven beyond a reasonable doubt that they belong in this tournament, upsetting Saint Joseph's and Wake Forest in the first two rounds. Syracuse looked great in their second half comeback against Oklahoma State in the second round. Carmelo Anthony is a thoroughbred and I love that Gerry McNamara. Plus, they're practically playing in their own backyard.

Pick: Syracuse

DANCE FEVER

After three long painful days off, the NCAA Tournament resumes today. Since I failed to recap the first weekend results, I've decided to preview the Sweet Sixteen games and include my assessment of the tourney thus far. We'll start with today's games.

THE MIDWEST

[5] Wisconsin (24-7) vs. [1] Kentucky (31-3)
7:10 PM ET Minneapolis, MN

The Kentucky Wildcats have carried their regular season and conference tournament dominance right into The Big Dance. It's been so long since they lost, they have a lot of people believing they may be unbeatable. This is a team that went undefeated in SEC play during the year, plays unselfish basketball, has a nice inside-outside balance and a reliable go-to player in Keith Bogans, and boasts the stingiest defense in the nation. Maybe they are unbeatable.

Wisconsin showed some serious survival skills by coming away with a second round victory against Tulsa. A bounce here, a bounce there, and it very well could have been Tulsa playing against Kentucky in the Sweet Sixteen, after they took out Dayton, a weak four seed in the first round. Wisconsin played a solid game in round one against Weber State, a dangerous team that knows how to pull off first round shockers, upsetting Michigan State in 1995 and North Carolina in 1999. As usual, the Badgers play great defense, but they've also been very aggressive on offense, frequently taking the ball to the hole.

Because both teams play such good defense, this one should be close for awhile. But I expect Kentucky to pull away and win fairly easily to claim their rightful spot in the Elite 8.

Pick: Kentucky

[3] Marquette (25-5) vs. [2] Pittsburgh (28-4)
9:30 PM ET Minneapolis, MN

As a number three seed, the Marquette Golden Eagles were favored to reach the round of 16. Despite that, I don't think a lot of people expected to see them here. They played a tight first round game against upset-minded Holy Cross and survived, then needed overtime to beat Missouri in the second round. In the overtime, the basketball nation got a chance to see why Marquette is a special team. Coach Tom Crean drew up some smart plays and the Golden Eagles executed them to perfection, hitting all of their shots in the overtime period to finally put some distance between them and the pesky Missouri Tigers. Travis Diener has been sensational shooting the ball in the tournament thus far, and Marquette has one of the best players in the country in Dwayne Wade.

I really think Pittsburgh got shafted in this tournament. I believe by winning the Big East and hovering around the top five all season long, they deserved to land a number one seed and stay home to play in the East. Instead, they were completely disrespected by being given a number two and placed in the same region as tourney favorite Kentucky. So far, the Panthers have wiped out Wagner by 26 points and blown out Indiana by 22. They' held six of their last seven opponents under 60 points, giving up 61 to Wagner in the opening round. Pitt's defense just may be as good as Kentucky's. And they have size and speed.

Both of these teams have something to prove and because of that, I think this is going to be a great game. It's a tough one to call, but I'm going to go with Pittsburgh to pull it out and set up an outstanding matchup with Kentucky in the Regional Final.

Pick: Pittsburgh


THE WEST

[5] Notre Dame (24-9) vs. [1] Arizona (27-3)
7:27 PM ET Anaheim, CA

The Fighting Irish are lucky to be in the Sweet Sixteen. Wisconsin-Milwaukee had a great chance to win that game, getting a shot from the paint to win it, but as their coach Bruce Pearl said, "The ball just didn't go in." Hence, the fifth-seeded Irish avoided losing to the twelfth-seeded Panthers and moved on to the second round. There, they controlled the game against Big Ten tournament winner and weak four seed Ilinois and came away with a 68-60 victory to advance to the round of 16 for the first time in 16 years. Chris Thomas is the heart and soul of the team and Torin Francis has rebounded the ball extremely well in their first two games, but Notre Dame relies on the outside shot to win games. If their shots aren't falling, this game could get ugly.

Arizona is also lucky to be in the Sweet Sixteen. In the best game of the tournament so far, the Wildcats outlasted Gonzaga in double overtime in their second round game. Both teams showed tremendous heart in a game that felt very similar to a heavyweight fight, and Arizona has got to be feeling as if they have a shot at the title after coming away with a victory. Gonzaga outmuscled Arizona and continuously beat them to the offensive boards. Arizona is stacked with Jason Gardner, Luke Walton, and Channing Frye. Notre Dame doesn't seem to possess the weapons to give them a war like Gonzaga did.

Notre Dame should be pleased that they made it this far, because it doesn't look like they're going any further. It could be close if the Irish are hitting the three-ball, otherwise Arizona should win comfortably.

Pick: Arizona

[3] Duke (26-6) vs. [2] Kansas (27-7)
9:50 PM ET Anaheim, CA

The Blue Devils are coming off what might be their best performance of the season. They shot 62% from the field and did everything right in demolishing Central Michigan 86-60 in the second round. Central Michigan had upset Creighton, the number six seed, soundly in their opening round game, but couldn't keep up with the hot-shooting Dukies. However, their big man, sever-footer Chris Kaman had 25 points and 10 rebounds against Duke and looks like he should be a pretty good NBA player. Duke struggled in their opening round game against Colorado State, but this team seemed to grow up against Central Michigan. Dahntay Jones and Chris Duhon bring a lot of big-game experience, but other than that, this is a young team. I think freshman J.J. Redick may be the X-factor in getting past Kansas. He seems to ignite Duke's offense with his shooting, and man, can he shoot. When he squares up his shoulders to the basket, it's like radar lock. Count it. If he knocks down some trifectas and gives them momentum at key points in the game, this young Duke team could find itself in the Elite 8.

The Kansas Jayhawks badly want another shot at Arizona. In a late-January game in Kansas, the Jayhawks were killing Arizona until the second half started. Arizona came all the way back to win that game and proceeded to go on a long winning streak. But before Kansas can get their rematch, they have to beat Duke. No small task. Kansas was tested in the first round, holding on to beat Utah State by three points. But they looked great in a thirty-two point blowout of Arizona State in the second round. This is obviously a very talented basketball team that went to the Final Four last year and could do it again, but they seem to be prone to lapses in concentration. Nick Collison and Kirk Hinrich are going to have to play well for the Jayhawks to win this game. If those two don't show up, Kansas won't be getting their rematch with Arizona.

This is the tourney at it's best. Duke against Kansas to potentially play Arizona for a trip to the Final Four. Kansas might have the edge in talent. Duke is a little deeper and they have Coach K. I'm not really sure who wins. I'm going to go with Kansas because of the bloodlust factor. They're out for revenge against Duke and Arizona.

Pick: Kansas

ALL THAT SPAZZ

I feel like I had the red carpet ripped out from under my feet. Without the glitzy fashion show preceding the ceremony, my Oscar equilibrium was thrown off. On Sunday afternoon, I got caught up watching the NCAA Tournament and never even checked what time the Oscars were going to start. Shortly after receiving a call from my brother, asking me if I was watching The Awards, I changed the channel to discover that I had missed the first half hour of the show. I missed Steve Martin's opening monologue, which I've since heard was pretty funny. I missed Chris Cooper winning Best Supporting Actor for his role in my favorite movie of the year "Adaptation." After sulking for a few minutes, My Girl and I attempted to get into Oscar mode. But without the red carpet and the opening number, it was hard to settle in. Suddenly, I missed the reconstructed face of Joan Rivers harrassing the star wattage with her beyond-hacky schtick upon arrival. No matter how irritated I was in the past by Joan and her equally-talentless daughter, the pageantry of the pre-Oscar strut stimulated the buzz and set the mood for the evening. So, My Girl and I were playing catch up. We went online to find out exactly what awards we missed and dug in on the couch. But then we got hungry. We brought the cutting boards out to the living room and sliced up some onions and garlic and ginger in preparation of cooking up a delicious dinner of salmon, ahi tuna, mustard greens, and quinoa. But as we began to cook the meal, we took advantage of TiVo and paused live TV. After searing the ahi, we sat down to partake in our healthy feast and pressed play again. Within a few minutes, however, we realized the TiVo was only recording through the end of the hour and we were now so far behind that we were missing more of the live show. So we switched back to the live telecast and watched the recorded portions during the commercials. Apparently, in the un-TiVo'd gap, Eminem won the Oscar for Best Song and Barbra Streisand nearly creamed herself announcing it. We finally caught up on what we had missed and we were back in sync with the live show.



Anyone who was watching the show and not affiliated with one of the nominees in any way could tell you that the most memorable moments of the three and half hour award ceremony were Michael Moore's controversial acceptance speech following the announcement that "Bowling For Columbine" had been named Best Documentary and Adrien Brody's shocking upset win for Best Actor. Moore's rage was refreshing to see, however obnoxious he came off. Brody clearly outclassed Moore in expressing his unilateral and universal sentiments about supporting the troops no matter what your feelings about the war may be. It was truly exciting to see Brody win. We rewound the TiVo several times to catch the reactions of the other nominated actors and they were genuinely shocked and excited. Brody took full advantage of his moment as The Man, exclaiming "Holy shit" as he made his way to the podium, where he proceeded to dip and plant a wet one on Halle Berry, who presented him with the award. He even stopped the orchestra from playing after his allotted time was up and then used the extra time to make his comments about war and his friend who is fighting in Iraq. I've been a Brody fan for a few years now, after loving his performances in "Summer of Sam" and "Liberty Heights." Seeing him pull the upset over past winners Nicholson, Day-Lewis, Caine, and Cage, made my night. Ronald Harwood winning for Best Adapted Screenplay and Roman Polanski winning for Best Director continued the shocking streak for "The Pianist" and you started to feel that the momentum may even carry over into Best Picture. But, it didn't. As expected, the overrated "Chicago" took him the big prize. I'm not a fan of the film, but it didn't bother me that much when it won because there was no sweep. The acting awards were distributed nicely among films I really liked -- "The Pianist", "The Hours", and "Adaptation" winning one each. Catherine Zeta-Jones was a lock. I knew she was going to win and I actually felt kind of good for her when she did. But Rob Marshall didn't win, Renee Zellweger didn't win, John C. Reilly didn't win... For the most part, the awards seemed to be given out to the write people. I still contend that "Adaptation" was the best movie of the year and, without a doubt, should have received the award for Best Adapted Screenplay. All in all, I thought it was a surprisingly entertaining evening. At least what I saw of it. Next time, I'm going to have to get myself nominated to assure that I don't lose track of the time or screw up the TiVo or miss my golden opportunity to bag on the alien life-forms that are Joan and Melissa Rivers.

SCRAPPY JACK

A court battle over the origin of the "Jack" character on "Will & Grace" has been called off. Max Mutchnick, one of the executive producers of the show and a former boss of mine, was being sued by his long-time friend Jack Deamer, who contends he is the basis for TV's "Jack," played by Sean Hayes. Deamer claimed that Max promised him a house and car if the show became a hit, then reneged on his promise even after receiving a syndication windfall. I'm not taking sides or claiming to know what actually happened, but I will say this, I met Jack many times during my tenure on "Boston Common" and he was most definitely a character the likes of which you base a character on. The "Jack" we know is revolutionary in his prime-time flamboyance and represents a breakthrough in television tolerance. While I don't really doubt that Jack inspired the creation of "Jack," it saddens me that this tremendous success brought such a bitter end to a seemingly strong friendship. Instead of a cause for celebration, "Jack" became a matter for litigation.

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: UNPLUGGED



As any loyal reader of Tony Pierce knows, Tony and Anna have been carrying on a sort of e-relationship for some time now. Many times Tony will interview Anna or he'll post a conversation they've had recently. On Friday, Tony posted a transcript of Anna's press conference after she got blown off the court at the Nasdaq-100 Open in Key Biscayne, Miami. After reading it, you'll see exactly why Tony loves her for much more than just her pretty face. Talent, beauty and brains... She's got it all. You don't believe me? Read her blog.

REDIRECT

My entertainment-heavy, politics-light site seems a wee bit frivolous at the moment. I'd prefer to refer you to the people working overtime to blog this war. Instapundit, Warblogs, Matt Welch...

LAW AND ORDER: TV CRACK

I can't get enough of that sassy Salon TV critic, who today posits that the "Law and Order" franchise is habit-forming and addictive and may be harmful to relationships. Now, the search begins for TV methadone. My hunch is that it will lead to "Yes, Dear."

BUSHWHACKED

"You really think "Chicago" is the best movie of the year?"

THIS IS FARGIN WAR!

One war ends as another begins.

IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD MARCH

The selection committee has selected and now it's time to dance. It's gone beyond madness. It's gone beyond mayhem. It is now... insanity. After doing some lengthly pre-announcement research and speculation, I would have to give the NCAA selection committee poor marks for the tournament bracket they came up with. They made some rather critical errors in judgement and placement and I'm here to call them on it.

1) Pittsburgh deserved a #1 seed and didn't get it. Not only that, but the committee essentially ranked them as the lowest two seed, because they put them in the same region as Kentucky, the favorite to win the tournament. Unfair. Unsound logic.

2) Kentucky and Arizona should be slated to play in the championship game. They are the two best teams going into the tournament and needed to be placed on opposite sides of the bracket. Kentucky should have been the #1 seed in the South or East regions. Oklahoma and Texas, both from the Big 12, each got #1 seeds in the East and South respectively, when clearly one of them should have been placed in the Midwest. The way the bracket was conceived, if all four number one seeds make it to the Final Four, the Kentucky-Arizona winner would play the Texas-Oklahoma winner. That's flat-out wrong, baby.

3) They stacked the West. Arizona, #1 for most of the season, should have been given the second easiest theoretical road to the Final Four. Instead, the region contains a strong #2 in Kansas, a #3 that deserved a #2 in Duke, Big Ten Tourney winner Illinois, at #4, a tough #5 in Notre Dame, a #6 that deserved a #4 in Creighton, and a dangerous #7 in Memphis. All of the ESPN experts agreed that the West was by far the most difficult region. The committee could have and should have found a way to balance the four regions so an answer to the question of "Which number one seed has the toughest road to the Final Four?" would have required a lengthly debate. Why punish 'Zona?

4) The BYU fiasco. Mormons don't play basketball games on Sunday. If BYU pulls a couple of upsets and makes it to the Elite 8, they are scheduled to play on a Sunday. Now, the NCAA has an assanine plan to have BYU switch regions if they reach the Sweet 16. Shame on the selection committee.

5) S-E-C bias over the Big East. The Southeastern Conference was given the benefit of the doubt on several fronts. First off, although the Florida Gators are my alma mater and my team, I thought they played themselves right out of a #2 seed and into a #3 in the last two weeks of the season. Yet they were granted a #2 and a favorable road at that, potentially meeting Texas for a shot at the Final Four. Next, as always, there is considerable debate over the "Last In, Last Out" teams. Alabama and Auburn, both from the SEC got in. Boston College and Seton Hall, both of the Big East, were left out, despite going 10-6 in conference games. Throw into the mix the aforementioned lack of respect for Pittsburgh and a disappointing #5 seed for Connecticut, and the Big East may have every right to cry foul.

For easy reference, the tournament seeds are listed below. Compare them to my pre-selection show seeding yesterday and tell me which bracket you think contains more fairness, balance, and potential marquee matchups.

WEST
1. Arizona
2. Kansas
3. Duke
4. Illinois
5. Notre Dame
6. Creighton
7. Memphis
8. Cincinnati
9. Gonzaga
10. Arizona State
-------------------------
11. Central Michigan
12. Wisconsin-Milwaukee
13. Western Kentucky
14. Colorado State
15. Utah State
16. Vermont

MIDWEST
1. Kentucky
2. Pittsburgh
3. Marquette
4. Dayton
5. Wisconsin
6. Missouri
7. Indiana
8. Oregon
9. Utah
10. Alabama
--------------------
11. So. Illinois
12. Weber State
13. Tulsa
14. Holy Cross
15. Wagner
16. IUPUI

SOUTH
1. Texas
2. Florida
3. Xavier
4. Stanford
5. Connecticut
6. Maryland
7. Michigan State
8. LSU
9. Purdue
10. Colorado
-------------------
11. UNC-Wilmington
12. BYU
13. San Diego
14. Troy State
15. Sam Houston
16. UNC-Asheville vs. Texas Southern

EAST
1. Oklahoma
2. Wake Forest
3. Syracuse
4. Louisville
5. Mississippi State
6. Oklahoma State
7. Saint Joseph's
8. California
9. N.C. State
10. Auburn
-------------------
11. Penn
12. Butler
13. Austin Peay
14. Manhattan
15. E. Tenn. State
16. So. Carolina St.

SELECTION SUNDAY: PREDICTABLE MADNESS

This may be taking things a step too far, but it's March Madness and I've gone loco. I've put together my predictions for the top ten seeds in each region when the Selection Committee announces its 65 team field for the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament later on today. Of course, I don't expect it to turn out exactly like the eventual bracket, but my fantasy tournement does find each region well-balanced according to conference, home teams, and difficulty.

WEST
1. Arizona
2. Kansas
3. Florida
4. Creighton
5. Wisconsin
6. Missouri
7. California
8. Cincinnati
9. Colorado
10. Southern Illinois


MIDWEST
1. Oklahoma
2. Wake Forest
3. Illinois
4. Marquette
5. Dayton
6. Utah
7. Notre Dame
8. Oregon
9. LSU
10. Gonzaga


SOUTH
1. Kentucky
2. Duke
3. Syracuse
4. Xavier
5. Mississippi State
6. Connecticut
7. Memphis
8. Michigan State
9. BYU
10. Arizona State


EAST
1. Pittsburgh
2. Texas
3. Louisville
4. Maryland
5. Stanford
6. Oklahoma State
7. St. Joseph's
8. North Carolina State
9. Purdue
10. Indiana

TO A SELF-LOATHING PIKER

I am very disappointed that you chose not to take me seriously and to post my email in a mocking way.

The origin of "Piker" as a derogatory word stems from the influx of poor Missouri migrants from Pike County into California during the gold rush of the 1849. They were just trying to provide a better life for their families and were met with bigotry and derision.

While I have dedicated my life to rehabiliting the Piker name, you sit in California, no less the birth place of Piker ridicule and humiliation, and wallow in your self-loathing. I hope you choke on it.

Sincerely,

Johny Piker

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

I have two measly days of employment left. I shouldn't complain though. Production ended when we filmed the sixth and final episode of the run on Friday night. The stellar wrap party was held in the Foundation Room at the House of Blues on Sunday night and featured an open bar from 7 to 11. Plus, I received a gift in the form of an extra week of work to close down the office. The entire six-week gig was a blessing, as I had not held a full-time job in a year. I've been pretty low-key about my work experience, purposely withholding the name of show to protect the innocent. I will now put you all out of your misery and end the suspense. The television show I am currently working on... at least for two more days... a sitcom... is... "Watching Ellie". A press release announced today that the show will be relaunched on April 15th. Its normal time slot will be Tuesdays at 9:30 on NBC, following "Frasier." In support of me and my career, all I ask is that you tune in once, and only keep watching if you like the show. I think it's pretty funny, but then again, I've been seeing it from the inside out, including rehearsals and live in front of a studio audience, and therefore I don't have much distance or perspective. However, Julia Loius-Dreyfus is undeniably one of the funniest and most talented ladies around. She's Ellie, and she alone is worth watching.

DAYDREAM BELIEVER

One of my all-time favorite short stories, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" now looks like it finally has a strong chance of being remade. Producer Samuel Goldwyn Jr. beat New Line Cinema in a court battle to win back the film rights and quickly set up the project at Paramount, where it's likely that Steven Spielberg will direct Jim Carrey in the title role. I never saw the 1947 original, in which Danny Kaye played Walter Mitty, but this pair doing this story is exciting. It would mark the first collaboration between Spielberg and Carrey and, if all goes well, the movie should break the bank and go down as one of the great ones. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?

THIS IS SPORTSCENTER, THIS IS BRILLIANT

I stumbled upon one of the greatest uses of the internet tonight. For quite some time, I've been wishing I had a tape consisting of all the ESPN commercials that have been made over the years. Finally, my pack-rat prayers have been answered. I don't know how long it's been up and running, but right there on the ESPN site, you'll find a video archive of almost a hundred hilarious "This Is SportsCenter" spots. Advertising comedy at its finest.

TALKIN' TV

For the twentieth year in a row, The Museum of Television and Radio is holding their William S. Paley Television Festival. During the two-week period, the MoTaR puts on these great panel discussions, where they gather the writers, producers, and cast of a show for a screening and Q & A. Last night, that gorgeous TV critic at Salon must have worn her sexy boots and smooth-talked her way into a packed house at the DGA for "24", because she wrote about the event today. If you want to read about it, come with me, I'll show you where it is...

STRONG ARM TACTICS: TAKE TWO

HBO and the producers of "The Sopranos" are using some muscle on their main muscle-man. The premium cable network fired back at James Gandolfini today, filing a $100 million countersuit against the actor. They claim the nine figure amount represents their potential loss if Gandolfini succeeds in sabotaging the fifth season of the show. Clearly, with both sides going to the mattresses, this feud could get ugly. Hopefully, the heads of the families can have a sit-down and settle this war out of court. Best case scenario finds the off-screen conflict influencing the subtext of the show and adding another juicy layer of on-screen tension.

"THE ELECTRIC KOOL AID ACID TEST ON TOFU"

I'm not sure I can find anyone to argue against the notion that Woody Harrelson is an eccentric. Now we have a documentary film to serve as proof. "Go Further" details Harrelson's 1,700 mile journey by hempseed oil-fueled bus from Seattle to Santa Barbara in the spring of 2001. During the THC trek, Harrelson spoke at several colleges on a range of environmental issues and brought along a support staff of stoners. In fact, Harrelson seems to play second fiddle to his elevated entourage in "Go Further."



One of the devotees on the bus is a former co-worker and acquiantence of mine named Steve Clark. Apparently, Clark eventually and inevitably takes a starring role in the dope documentary. If my experiences with him are any indication, this should prove to be a wilder ride than Mr. Toad's. Of the oodles of outrageous things I've heard him utter, the most quotable line remains: "Are you kidding? I'm doing great. A year ago, I came to town with a Bart Simpson backpack and a hit of acid. Now I have two cats and some furniture." Go as far as you need to go to see "Go Further."