"AMERICAN IDOL": THE VIDEO GAME

Coming this fall, PC and PlayStation 2 gamers will be able to create, train, and control characters to compete in the video game version of "American Idol". Players have to hit a combination of buttons to make the video performers dance and sing before they submit themselves to commentary and criticism from judges Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell, just like on the TV version of "American Idol". From the description, it sounds to me like a combination of The Sims and Dance Dance Revolution U.S.A.

ALL-AMERICAN

The Associated Press announced their AP All-America Team today. David West of Xavier was the leading vote-getter and the only one from the preseason All-America team to be named to the postseason team. Hollis Price was sixth in the voting, Carmelo Anthony was seventh. Only three underclassman out of the fifteen players on the three All-America teams. Each team in the Final Four is represented by at least one player, three on the First Team, one on the Second Team, one on the Third Team.

FIRST TEAM

David West, Xavier, senior
Nick Collison, Kansas, senior
Josh Howard, Wake Forest, senior
Dwayne Wade, Marquette, junior
T.J. Ford, Texas, sophomore

SECOND TEAM

Hollis Price, Oklahoma, senior
Kyle Korver, Creighton, senior
Troy Bell, Boston College, senior
Jason Gardner, Arizona, senior
Carmelo Anthony, Syracuse, freshman

THIRD TEAM

Brian Cook, Illinois, senior
Reece Gaines, Louisville, senior
Kirk Hinrich, Kansas, senior
Keith Bogans, Kentucky, senior
Ron Slay, Tennessee, senior

"AMERICAN LIFE"

Pop diva and Material Girl Madonna made the difficult decision to pull her new video "American Life" before it aired here in America. The video, scheduled to premiere tomorrow on VH1, had already aired in Germany, but on Monday, Madonna issued the following statement:

"I have decided not to release my new video. It was filmed before the war started and I do not believe it is appropriate to air it at this time. Due to the volatile state of the world and out of sensitivity and respect to the armed forces, who I support and pray for, I do not want to risk offending anyone who might misinterpret the meaning of this video."

My absolute favorite writer for Salon currently has a cover story on the subject entitled "The Madonna Video You Can't See." Read it.

You want to see the video?

B-BALL BUSINESS

Some mid-week hoops news. The Matt Doherty Era is over in Carolina. The Tarheels' head coach resigned after three seasons. Speculation on who will succeed him has unearthed a distinguished and accomplished list of potential candidates -- including Kansas coach Roy Williams, Stanford coach Mike Montgomery, Utah coach Rick Majerus, Oklahoma coach Kelvin Sampson, and Milwaukee Bucks coach George Karl. Dickie V weighs in. Meanwhile, it looks like a done deal here in LA. It is expected that Pittsburgh head coach Ben Howland will be introduced as the new coach of the UCLA Bruins as early as tomorrow. And finally... Dominique Wilkins, the Human Highlight Film himself, interviewed for the vacant head coaching job at Georgia.

It's an All-Big East final in the NIT with Georgetown and St. John's meeting in The Garden for the title.

Andy Katz on why the tournament is so special.

BLOGGIN' BASEBALL

The 2003 baseball season is officially underway and Peter Gammons believes that after seeing the Angles and the Twins battling it out in the ALCS and then the Angels winning the World Series over the Giants last year, most of the teams in the league can hold out some legitimate hope of reaching the postseason this year.



The Yankees won their opener yesterday 8-4 over the Blue Jays, but it was a costly win, as the Yanks lost superstar shortstop Derek Jeter to a dislocated shoulder on a freak play at third. They're optimistically saying he should be out six weeks. The Bronx Bombers took it out on the Blue Jays today, pounding them 10-1.



With their exorbitant payroll, the Yankees have to expect to get back to the playoffs. But, according to ESPN's expert predictions, the Oakland A's are the team to beat. Of their 27 experts, 11 think the A's will be champs, 4 think it'll be the Red Sox, 3 votes each for the Yankees and Diamondbacks, 2 votes each for the Giants and Cardinals, one guy picks the Astros, and one guy picks the Twins. So, out of all those experts, no one thinks the Angels will repeat?

AND THEN THERE WERE FOUR

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

The Elite 8 has not been kind to #1 seeds thus far. Yesterday, the Marquette Golden Eagles continued their improbable and impressive run by soundly defeating tournament favorite Kentucky and booking their trip to New Orleans for the Final Four. Make no mistake, this was the biggest upset of the tournament, but what was more surprising was the manner in which they did it. The Golden Eagles never even let Kentucky get a whiff of a comeback in the second half, leading by as many as 22 points and winning by 14 in snapping Kentucky's 26-game win streak. Dwayne Wade turned in the best individual performance of the tourney, recording a triple-double (29 points, 11 rebounds, 11 assists) in addition to 4 blocks, 1 steal, and a bunch of monster dunks. Usually, when a team gets such an oustanding contribution from its star, the star tends to overshadow the team a bit, but this was unquestionably the best team effort in any game of this tournament. Marquette has made a believer out of me. I now think they can win it all.

And in the West Region, the news wasn't much better for #1 seed Arizona. In a game of streaks and spurts, the Kansas Jayhawks atoned for an embarrassing collapse against Arizona during the regular season and achieved their revenge by eliminating the Wildcats in the Elite 8 and cutting down the nets as the winner of the tough West bracket. Kirk Hinrich showed up and had a great game, scoring 28 points, playing inspired defense, and lending his team confidence and senior leadership. It was a fantastic game that I really didn't want to see end. I wanted Jason Gardner to knock down the clutch three as time was running out to send the game into OT, so we could see some more brilliant basketball. So, Roy Williams and Kansas go back to the Final Four for the second straight year and Williams gets yet another shot at his first national championship. But, now they have to deal with the mighty Golden Eagles...

To continue the trend, #3 seed Syracuse is up by ten over #1 seed Oklahoma at the half. The Orangemen are essentially playing in front of a home crowd and have stymied the Sooners so far with their tenacious zone D. Oklahoma is tough though. They went to the Final Four last year, they played in the most difficult conference in America, and they have a star who wants the ball at the end in Hollis Price. This one is going to get a lot closer, but I think 'Cuse will hold on for the upset.

But, the run of knocking out the #1 seed will end in the South, where the Texas Longhorns will beat the Michigan State Spartans in front of a whole bunch of Texans in San Antonio. Michigan State's lack of a true point guard led to a disastrous collapse against Maryland and almost cost them the game. But they survived another day to face Texas, which boasts the best point guard in America in T.J. Ford. And guard play will be the difference in this game as the Spartans attempt to lure the Longhorns into an ugly physical battle, with big guys banging inside and clogging the middle and guys crashing to the floor to scramble for loose balls. Look for T.J. to have a big game and the 'Horns to head for N'awlins.

Pick: Texas

THE ELITE

THE MIDWEST

[3] Marquette vs. [1] Kentucky
{In Progress} Minneapolis, MN

Marquette is up by 19 at the half! Complete shocker. I suppose it's too late to make a pick on this game, but I'm guessing Kentucky will make a run at some point and get back into it. Marquette is so well-coached and solid, I really doubt they're going to let it slip away.

THE WEST

[1] Arizona vs. [2] Kansas
7:05 PM ET Anaheim, CA

The rematch. Kansas wants revenge for letting a huge halftime lead evaporate in a regular season loss to Arizona in Kansas. Both teams are talented as hell, but Arizona is definitely deeper. Nick Collison is coming off the best performance of his career and may need to duplicate it, and get help from Kirk Hinrich if Kansas is going to knock off the #1 seed and advance to the Final Four for the second straight year. My gut feeling is, Arizona has too much firepower and too many options on offense.

Pick: Arizona

On a programming note, CBS sucks. Last night, they screwed up their coverage so badly I was screaming at the TV. In both sets of games, they failed to switch over to or Look-In on close ballgames that were going on during their featured games. First, while we were watching early second half action in the Texas-Connecticut game, Butler was cutting into Oklahoma's lead and making it a game. By the time CBS got around to switching over, we saw Butler have a bad sequence with a minute or so left and the game was over. There were only two games going on at the time! That piker network couldn't even make us feel as if we were a part of both games. Completely dropped the ball. Then, they did it again. During halftime of the Michigan State-Maryland game, the Syracuse-Auburn game was coming down to the end. After a long series of commercials, we went back to the studio for first half analysis of the Spartans and Terrapins, ignoring the other game that was close and getting closer. Then another series of commercials, then back to the Michigan State-Maryland game for some on-court commentary. When we finally checked in with the Syracuse-Auburn game there was less than a minute left and Auburn was scrambling to tie it up. I'm glad we got to see the end and catch the excitement of that game, but why weren't we involved with it all along? It was as if CBS had never covered the event before and was learning on the job. Horrible inefficiency. Extremely frustrating. I can't wait until this current contract expires and ESPN hopefully will take over the gig and do it up right. We need Dickie V and Fowler and, well, I could do without Digger, but my point is, ESPN understands the sports viewer and CBS obviously has no clue. Pikers.

CRAZY EIGHTS

Three more exciting basketball games last night. Oklahoma let Butler back in the game late, but Ebi Ere was on fire and the Sooners never really let us believe that they could get beaten by the Bulldogs. Besides that, the other games seemed to follow a similar pattern. Texas had control until T.J. Ford got into foul trouble with over ten minutes left and Connecticut went on a run to make it a great game. Brandon Mouton hit some big shots for Texas and Ford sank some clutch free throws in the final minute to barely escape the Huskies. In like fashion, Michigan State had complete control of their game until Maryland started putting on the full court press and really rattled the point guard-challenged Spartans. In the end, it was a freshman, Paul Davis, who scored Michigan State's last six points, including the eventual game winner, and the Terps senior guard Steve Blake who missed a potential game-winning three at the buzzer. And in yet another squeaker, Syracuse led most of the game, but Auburn nailed four threes in the final minute and a half to pull within one point. The game appeared to be over after the last three went in, but the refs reviewed it and put three tenths of a second back on the clock. The Orangemen inbounded and the game was over, but if there were thirty seconds left in that game instead of three tenths, the Tigers could have pulled the upset.

DANCIN' ON THE CEILING

Three excellent games last night. Wisconsin scared the living crap out of Kentucky. After losing star guard Keith Bogans to a high ankle sprain in the first half, the Wildcats needed a big effort from the rest of their squad to hold off the pesky Badgers. If Bogans can't go on Saturday, the Marquette Golden Eagles could be headed to the Final Four. That's right, Marquette could be headed to the Final Four! The Golden Eagles broke the game open in the second half, then held off a furious comeback from Pittsburgh to advance to the next round. With three minutes left, the Panthers came roaring back and cut a ten-point deficit to one, but Marquette got a huge hoop from its stud Dwayne Wade with 23 seconds left and sank their free throws down the stretch for the victory. Marquette and Kentucky have played more often than any other matchup in tournament history.

In the only non-competitive game of the evening, Arizona blew out Notre Dame to take its rightful place in the Elite 8. I didn't get to see much of the game because CBS did the right thing by sticking with the Kentucky-Wisconsin nail-biter rather than switching to the Wildcats' destruction over the Fighting Irish. Arizona will take on Kansas in the next round, after the Jayhawks defeated the Duke Blue Devils in a game that lived up to its billing. There were a ton of lead changes, great defense, great coaching, and lots of heart. Unforunately for Duke, freshman marksman J.J. Redick was ice cold. He went 2 for 16 from the field, 1 of 11 from behind the arc, to finish with five points. Every time Duke built a lead, they failed to deliver the knockout punch. If one or two of Redick's treys would have fallen, it could have given Duke the momentum to close it out. In a parallel situation, Kansas got a horrible game from its senior guard Kirk Hinrich, who shot 1 of 9 from the field and 0 for 5 from three-point land. But Nick Collison was tough. The senior forward had the game of his life, scoring 33 points and 18 rebounds, while displaying his oustanding hands, footwork, and touch around the basket, in addition to some courageous stamina. So, while Duke regroups for next season with a slew of returning youngsters, Kansas gets its rematch against Arizona in what should be one helluva game.

Check out Dickie V for a higher energy look at last night's Sweet Sixteen games.

The games start in a half hour and I still have to drive crosstown, so in the interest of time, I'm going to refer you to Andy Katz for a breakdown of tonight's matchups and give you my picks.

THE SOUTH

[5] Connecticut (23-9) vs. [1] Texas (24-6)
7:27 PM ET San Antonio, TX

Texas is essentially playing in front of a home crowd and T.J. Ford was just named ESPN player of the year. Hook 'em, Horns!

Pick: Texas

[6] Maryland (21-9) vs. [7] Michigan State (21-12)
9:57 PM ET San Antonio, TX

This is a great matchup. Maryland is still riding the magic of their buzzer-beating opening round victory over UNC Wilmington and Michigan State just flat-out embarrassed my alma mater Florida in the second round. Using the old adage, of I'm going with the team that beat my team...

Pick: Michigan State

THE EAST

[1] Oklahoma (25-6) vs. [12] Butler (27-5)
7:10 PM ET Albany, NY

I refure to get burned by the Bulldogs again! I think they have a legitimate chance to beat the Sooners, I'm rooting for them, and I'd rather pick them and be wrong than underestimate them one more time.

Pick: Butler

[3] Syracuse (26-5) vs. [10] Auburn (22-11)
9:40 PM ET Albany, NY

Auburn has proven beyond a reasonable doubt that they belong in this tournament, upsetting Saint Joseph's and Wake Forest in the first two rounds. Syracuse looked great in their second half comeback against Oklahoma State in the second round. Carmelo Anthony is a thoroughbred and I love that Gerry McNamara. Plus, they're practically playing in their own backyard.

Pick: Syracuse

DANCE FEVER

After three long painful days off, the NCAA Tournament resumes today. Since I failed to recap the first weekend results, I've decided to preview the Sweet Sixteen games and include my assessment of the tourney thus far. We'll start with today's games.

THE MIDWEST

[5] Wisconsin (24-7) vs. [1] Kentucky (31-3)
7:10 PM ET Minneapolis, MN

The Kentucky Wildcats have carried their regular season and conference tournament dominance right into The Big Dance. It's been so long since they lost, they have a lot of people believing they may be unbeatable. This is a team that went undefeated in SEC play during the year, plays unselfish basketball, has a nice inside-outside balance and a reliable go-to player in Keith Bogans, and boasts the stingiest defense in the nation. Maybe they are unbeatable.

Wisconsin showed some serious survival skills by coming away with a second round victory against Tulsa. A bounce here, a bounce there, and it very well could have been Tulsa playing against Kentucky in the Sweet Sixteen, after they took out Dayton, a weak four seed in the first round. Wisconsin played a solid game in round one against Weber State, a dangerous team that knows how to pull off first round shockers, upsetting Michigan State in 1995 and North Carolina in 1999. As usual, the Badgers play great defense, but they've also been very aggressive on offense, frequently taking the ball to the hole.

Because both teams play such good defense, this one should be close for awhile. But I expect Kentucky to pull away and win fairly easily to claim their rightful spot in the Elite 8.

Pick: Kentucky

[3] Marquette (25-5) vs. [2] Pittsburgh (28-4)
9:30 PM ET Minneapolis, MN

As a number three seed, the Marquette Golden Eagles were favored to reach the round of 16. Despite that, I don't think a lot of people expected to see them here. They played a tight first round game against upset-minded Holy Cross and survived, then needed overtime to beat Missouri in the second round. In the overtime, the basketball nation got a chance to see why Marquette is a special team. Coach Tom Crean drew up some smart plays and the Golden Eagles executed them to perfection, hitting all of their shots in the overtime period to finally put some distance between them and the pesky Missouri Tigers. Travis Diener has been sensational shooting the ball in the tournament thus far, and Marquette has one of the best players in the country in Dwayne Wade.

I really think Pittsburgh got shafted in this tournament. I believe by winning the Big East and hovering around the top five all season long, they deserved to land a number one seed and stay home to play in the East. Instead, they were completely disrespected by being given a number two and placed in the same region as tourney favorite Kentucky. So far, the Panthers have wiped out Wagner by 26 points and blown out Indiana by 22. They' held six of their last seven opponents under 60 points, giving up 61 to Wagner in the opening round. Pitt's defense just may be as good as Kentucky's. And they have size and speed.

Both of these teams have something to prove and because of that, I think this is going to be a great game. It's a tough one to call, but I'm going to go with Pittsburgh to pull it out and set up an outstanding matchup with Kentucky in the Regional Final.

Pick: Pittsburgh


THE WEST

[5] Notre Dame (24-9) vs. [1] Arizona (27-3)
7:27 PM ET Anaheim, CA

The Fighting Irish are lucky to be in the Sweet Sixteen. Wisconsin-Milwaukee had a great chance to win that game, getting a shot from the paint to win it, but as their coach Bruce Pearl said, "The ball just didn't go in." Hence, the fifth-seeded Irish avoided losing to the twelfth-seeded Panthers and moved on to the second round. There, they controlled the game against Big Ten tournament winner and weak four seed Ilinois and came away with a 68-60 victory to advance to the round of 16 for the first time in 16 years. Chris Thomas is the heart and soul of the team and Torin Francis has rebounded the ball extremely well in their first two games, but Notre Dame relies on the outside shot to win games. If their shots aren't falling, this game could get ugly.

Arizona is also lucky to be in the Sweet Sixteen. In the best game of the tournament so far, the Wildcats outlasted Gonzaga in double overtime in their second round game. Both teams showed tremendous heart in a game that felt very similar to a heavyweight fight, and Arizona has got to be feeling as if they have a shot at the title after coming away with a victory. Gonzaga outmuscled Arizona and continuously beat them to the offensive boards. Arizona is stacked with Jason Gardner, Luke Walton, and Channing Frye. Notre Dame doesn't seem to possess the weapons to give them a war like Gonzaga did.

Notre Dame should be pleased that they made it this far, because it doesn't look like they're going any further. It could be close if the Irish are hitting the three-ball, otherwise Arizona should win comfortably.

Pick: Arizona

[3] Duke (26-6) vs. [2] Kansas (27-7)
9:50 PM ET Anaheim, CA

The Blue Devils are coming off what might be their best performance of the season. They shot 62% from the field and did everything right in demolishing Central Michigan 86-60 in the second round. Central Michigan had upset Creighton, the number six seed, soundly in their opening round game, but couldn't keep up with the hot-shooting Dukies. However, their big man, sever-footer Chris Kaman had 25 points and 10 rebounds against Duke and looks like he should be a pretty good NBA player. Duke struggled in their opening round game against Colorado State, but this team seemed to grow up against Central Michigan. Dahntay Jones and Chris Duhon bring a lot of big-game experience, but other than that, this is a young team. I think freshman J.J. Redick may be the X-factor in getting past Kansas. He seems to ignite Duke's offense with his shooting, and man, can he shoot. When he squares up his shoulders to the basket, it's like radar lock. Count it. If he knocks down some trifectas and gives them momentum at key points in the game, this young Duke team could find itself in the Elite 8.

The Kansas Jayhawks badly want another shot at Arizona. In a late-January game in Kansas, the Jayhawks were killing Arizona until the second half started. Arizona came all the way back to win that game and proceeded to go on a long winning streak. But before Kansas can get their rematch, they have to beat Duke. No small task. Kansas was tested in the first round, holding on to beat Utah State by three points. But they looked great in a thirty-two point blowout of Arizona State in the second round. This is obviously a very talented basketball team that went to the Final Four last year and could do it again, but they seem to be prone to lapses in concentration. Nick Collison and Kirk Hinrich are going to have to play well for the Jayhawks to win this game. If those two don't show up, Kansas won't be getting their rematch with Arizona.

This is the tourney at it's best. Duke against Kansas to potentially play Arizona for a trip to the Final Four. Kansas might have the edge in talent. Duke is a little deeper and they have Coach K. I'm not really sure who wins. I'm going to go with Kansas because of the bloodlust factor. They're out for revenge against Duke and Arizona.

Pick: Kansas

ALL THAT SPAZZ

I feel like I had the red carpet ripped out from under my feet. Without the glitzy fashion show preceding the ceremony, my Oscar equilibrium was thrown off. On Sunday afternoon, I got caught up watching the NCAA Tournament and never even checked what time the Oscars were going to start. Shortly after receiving a call from my brother, asking me if I was watching The Awards, I changed the channel to discover that I had missed the first half hour of the show. I missed Steve Martin's opening monologue, which I've since heard was pretty funny. I missed Chris Cooper winning Best Supporting Actor for his role in my favorite movie of the year "Adaptation." After sulking for a few minutes, My Girl and I attempted to get into Oscar mode. But without the red carpet and the opening number, it was hard to settle in. Suddenly, I missed the reconstructed face of Joan Rivers harrassing the star wattage with her beyond-hacky schtick upon arrival. No matter how irritated I was in the past by Joan and her equally-talentless daughter, the pageantry of the pre-Oscar strut stimulated the buzz and set the mood for the evening. So, My Girl and I were playing catch up. We went online to find out exactly what awards we missed and dug in on the couch. But then we got hungry. We brought the cutting boards out to the living room and sliced up some onions and garlic and ginger in preparation of cooking up a delicious dinner of salmon, ahi tuna, mustard greens, and quinoa. But as we began to cook the meal, we took advantage of TiVo and paused live TV. After searing the ahi, we sat down to partake in our healthy feast and pressed play again. Within a few minutes, however, we realized the TiVo was only recording through the end of the hour and we were now so far behind that we were missing more of the live show. So we switched back to the live telecast and watched the recorded portions during the commercials. Apparently, in the un-TiVo'd gap, Eminem won the Oscar for Best Song and Barbra Streisand nearly creamed herself announcing it. We finally caught up on what we had missed and we were back in sync with the live show.



Anyone who was watching the show and not affiliated with one of the nominees in any way could tell you that the most memorable moments of the three and half hour award ceremony were Michael Moore's controversial acceptance speech following the announcement that "Bowling For Columbine" had been named Best Documentary and Adrien Brody's shocking upset win for Best Actor. Moore's rage was refreshing to see, however obnoxious he came off. Brody clearly outclassed Moore in expressing his unilateral and universal sentiments about supporting the troops no matter what your feelings about the war may be. It was truly exciting to see Brody win. We rewound the TiVo several times to catch the reactions of the other nominated actors and they were genuinely shocked and excited. Brody took full advantage of his moment as The Man, exclaiming "Holy shit" as he made his way to the podium, where he proceeded to dip and plant a wet one on Halle Berry, who presented him with the award. He even stopped the orchestra from playing after his allotted time was up and then used the extra time to make his comments about war and his friend who is fighting in Iraq. I've been a Brody fan for a few years now, after loving his performances in "Summer of Sam" and "Liberty Heights." Seeing him pull the upset over past winners Nicholson, Day-Lewis, Caine, and Cage, made my night. Ronald Harwood winning for Best Adapted Screenplay and Roman Polanski winning for Best Director continued the shocking streak for "The Pianist" and you started to feel that the momentum may even carry over into Best Picture. But, it didn't. As expected, the overrated "Chicago" took him the big prize. I'm not a fan of the film, but it didn't bother me that much when it won because there was no sweep. The acting awards were distributed nicely among films I really liked -- "The Pianist", "The Hours", and "Adaptation" winning one each. Catherine Zeta-Jones was a lock. I knew she was going to win and I actually felt kind of good for her when she did. But Rob Marshall didn't win, Renee Zellweger didn't win, John C. Reilly didn't win... For the most part, the awards seemed to be given out to the write people. I still contend that "Adaptation" was the best movie of the year and, without a doubt, should have received the award for Best Adapted Screenplay. All in all, I thought it was a surprisingly entertaining evening. At least what I saw of it. Next time, I'm going to have to get myself nominated to assure that I don't lose track of the time or screw up the TiVo or miss my golden opportunity to bag on the alien life-forms that are Joan and Melissa Rivers.

SCRAPPY JACK

A court battle over the origin of the "Jack" character on "Will & Grace" has been called off. Max Mutchnick, one of the executive producers of the show and a former boss of mine, was being sued by his long-time friend Jack Deamer, who contends he is the basis for TV's "Jack," played by Sean Hayes. Deamer claimed that Max promised him a house and car if the show became a hit, then reneged on his promise even after receiving a syndication windfall. I'm not taking sides or claiming to know what actually happened, but I will say this, I met Jack many times during my tenure on "Boston Common" and he was most definitely a character the likes of which you base a character on. The "Jack" we know is revolutionary in his prime-time flamboyance and represents a breakthrough in television tolerance. While I don't really doubt that Jack inspired the creation of "Jack," it saddens me that this tremendous success brought such a bitter end to a seemingly strong friendship. Instead of a cause for celebration, "Jack" became a matter for litigation.

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: UNPLUGGED



As any loyal reader of Tony Pierce knows, Tony and Anna have been carrying on a sort of e-relationship for some time now. Many times Tony will interview Anna or he'll post a conversation they've had recently. On Friday, Tony posted a transcript of Anna's press conference after she got blown off the court at the Nasdaq-100 Open in Key Biscayne, Miami. After reading it, you'll see exactly why Tony loves her for much more than just her pretty face. Talent, beauty and brains... She's got it all. You don't believe me? Read her blog.

REDIRECT

My entertainment-heavy, politics-light site seems a wee bit frivolous at the moment. I'd prefer to refer you to the people working overtime to blog this war. Instapundit, Warblogs, Matt Welch...

LAW AND ORDER: TV CRACK

I can't get enough of that sassy Salon TV critic, who today posits that the "Law and Order" franchise is habit-forming and addictive and may be harmful to relationships. Now, the search begins for TV methadone. My hunch is that it will lead to "Yes, Dear."

BUSHWHACKED

"You really think "Chicago" is the best movie of the year?"

THIS IS FARGIN WAR!

One war ends as another begins.

IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD MARCH

The selection committee has selected and now it's time to dance. It's gone beyond madness. It's gone beyond mayhem. It is now... insanity. After doing some lengthly pre-announcement research and speculation, I would have to give the NCAA selection committee poor marks for the tournament bracket they came up with. They made some rather critical errors in judgement and placement and I'm here to call them on it.

1) Pittsburgh deserved a #1 seed and didn't get it. Not only that, but the committee essentially ranked them as the lowest two seed, because they put them in the same region as Kentucky, the favorite to win the tournament. Unfair. Unsound logic.

2) Kentucky and Arizona should be slated to play in the championship game. They are the two best teams going into the tournament and needed to be placed on opposite sides of the bracket. Kentucky should have been the #1 seed in the South or East regions. Oklahoma and Texas, both from the Big 12, each got #1 seeds in the East and South respectively, when clearly one of them should have been placed in the Midwest. The way the bracket was conceived, if all four number one seeds make it to the Final Four, the Kentucky-Arizona winner would play the Texas-Oklahoma winner. That's flat-out wrong, baby.

3) They stacked the West. Arizona, #1 for most of the season, should have been given the second easiest theoretical road to the Final Four. Instead, the region contains a strong #2 in Kansas, a #3 that deserved a #2 in Duke, Big Ten Tourney winner Illinois, at #4, a tough #5 in Notre Dame, a #6 that deserved a #4 in Creighton, and a dangerous #7 in Memphis. All of the ESPN experts agreed that the West was by far the most difficult region. The committee could have and should have found a way to balance the four regions so an answer to the question of "Which number one seed has the toughest road to the Final Four?" would have required a lengthly debate. Why punish 'Zona?

4) The BYU fiasco. Mormons don't play basketball games on Sunday. If BYU pulls a couple of upsets and makes it to the Elite 8, they are scheduled to play on a Sunday. Now, the NCAA has an assanine plan to have BYU switch regions if they reach the Sweet 16. Shame on the selection committee.

5) S-E-C bias over the Big East. The Southeastern Conference was given the benefit of the doubt on several fronts. First off, although the Florida Gators are my alma mater and my team, I thought they played themselves right out of a #2 seed and into a #3 in the last two weeks of the season. Yet they were granted a #2 and a favorable road at that, potentially meeting Texas for a shot at the Final Four. Next, as always, there is considerable debate over the "Last In, Last Out" teams. Alabama and Auburn, both from the SEC got in. Boston College and Seton Hall, both of the Big East, were left out, despite going 10-6 in conference games. Throw into the mix the aforementioned lack of respect for Pittsburgh and a disappointing #5 seed for Connecticut, and the Big East may have every right to cry foul.

For easy reference, the tournament seeds are listed below. Compare them to my pre-selection show seeding yesterday and tell me which bracket you think contains more fairness, balance, and potential marquee matchups.

WEST
1. Arizona
2. Kansas
3. Duke
4. Illinois
5. Notre Dame
6. Creighton
7. Memphis
8. Cincinnati
9. Gonzaga
10. Arizona State
-------------------------
11. Central Michigan
12. Wisconsin-Milwaukee
13. Western Kentucky
14. Colorado State
15. Utah State
16. Vermont

MIDWEST
1. Kentucky
2. Pittsburgh
3. Marquette
4. Dayton
5. Wisconsin
6. Missouri
7. Indiana
8. Oregon
9. Utah
10. Alabama
--------------------
11. So. Illinois
12. Weber State
13. Tulsa
14. Holy Cross
15. Wagner
16. IUPUI

SOUTH
1. Texas
2. Florida
3. Xavier
4. Stanford
5. Connecticut
6. Maryland
7. Michigan State
8. LSU
9. Purdue
10. Colorado
-------------------
11. UNC-Wilmington
12. BYU
13. San Diego
14. Troy State
15. Sam Houston
16. UNC-Asheville vs. Texas Southern

EAST
1. Oklahoma
2. Wake Forest
3. Syracuse
4. Louisville
5. Mississippi State
6. Oklahoma State
7. Saint Joseph's
8. California
9. N.C. State
10. Auburn
-------------------
11. Penn
12. Butler
13. Austin Peay
14. Manhattan
15. E. Tenn. State
16. So. Carolina St.

SELECTION SUNDAY: PREDICTABLE MADNESS

This may be taking things a step too far, but it's March Madness and I've gone loco. I've put together my predictions for the top ten seeds in each region when the Selection Committee announces its 65 team field for the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament later on today. Of course, I don't expect it to turn out exactly like the eventual bracket, but my fantasy tournement does find each region well-balanced according to conference, home teams, and difficulty.

WEST
1. Arizona
2. Kansas
3. Florida
4. Creighton
5. Wisconsin
6. Missouri
7. California
8. Cincinnati
9. Colorado
10. Southern Illinois


MIDWEST
1. Oklahoma
2. Wake Forest
3. Illinois
4. Marquette
5. Dayton
6. Utah
7. Notre Dame
8. Oregon
9. LSU
10. Gonzaga


SOUTH
1. Kentucky
2. Duke
3. Syracuse
4. Xavier
5. Mississippi State
6. Connecticut
7. Memphis
8. Michigan State
9. BYU
10. Arizona State


EAST
1. Pittsburgh
2. Texas
3. Louisville
4. Maryland
5. Stanford
6. Oklahoma State
7. St. Joseph's
8. North Carolina State
9. Purdue
10. Indiana

TO A SELF-LOATHING PIKER

I am very disappointed that you chose not to take me seriously and to post my email in a mocking way.

The origin of "Piker" as a derogatory word stems from the influx of poor Missouri migrants from Pike County into California during the gold rush of the 1849. They were just trying to provide a better life for their families and were met with bigotry and derision.

While I have dedicated my life to rehabiliting the Piker name, you sit in California, no less the birth place of Piker ridicule and humiliation, and wallow in your self-loathing. I hope you choke on it.

Sincerely,

Johny Piker

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

I have two measly days of employment left. I shouldn't complain though. Production ended when we filmed the sixth and final episode of the run on Friday night. The stellar wrap party was held in the Foundation Room at the House of Blues on Sunday night and featured an open bar from 7 to 11. Plus, I received a gift in the form of an extra week of work to close down the office. The entire six-week gig was a blessing, as I had not held a full-time job in a year. I've been pretty low-key about my work experience, purposely withholding the name of show to protect the innocent. I will now put you all out of your misery and end the suspense. The television show I am currently working on... at least for two more days... a sitcom... is... "Watching Ellie". A press release announced today that the show will be relaunched on April 15th. Its normal time slot will be Tuesdays at 9:30 on NBC, following "Frasier." In support of me and my career, all I ask is that you tune in once, and only keep watching if you like the show. I think it's pretty funny, but then again, I've been seeing it from the inside out, including rehearsals and live in front of a studio audience, and therefore I don't have much distance or perspective. However, Julia Loius-Dreyfus is undeniably one of the funniest and most talented ladies around. She's Ellie, and she alone is worth watching.

DAYDREAM BELIEVER

One of my all-time favorite short stories, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" now looks like it finally has a strong chance of being remade. Producer Samuel Goldwyn Jr. beat New Line Cinema in a court battle to win back the film rights and quickly set up the project at Paramount, where it's likely that Steven Spielberg will direct Jim Carrey in the title role. I never saw the 1947 original, in which Danny Kaye played Walter Mitty, but this pair doing this story is exciting. It would mark the first collaboration between Spielberg and Carrey and, if all goes well, the movie should break the bank and go down as one of the great ones. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?

THIS IS SPORTSCENTER, THIS IS BRILLIANT

I stumbled upon one of the greatest uses of the internet tonight. For quite some time, I've been wishing I had a tape consisting of all the ESPN commercials that have been made over the years. Finally, my pack-rat prayers have been answered. I don't know how long it's been up and running, but right there on the ESPN site, you'll find a video archive of almost a hundred hilarious "This Is SportsCenter" spots. Advertising comedy at its finest.

TALKIN' TV

For the twentieth year in a row, The Museum of Television and Radio is holding their William S. Paley Television Festival. During the two-week period, the MoTaR puts on these great panel discussions, where they gather the writers, producers, and cast of a show for a screening and Q & A. Last night, that gorgeous TV critic at Salon must have worn her sexy boots and smooth-talked her way into a packed house at the DGA for "24", because she wrote about the event today. If you want to read about it, come with me, I'll show you where it is...

STRONG ARM TACTICS: TAKE TWO

HBO and the producers of "The Sopranos" are using some muscle on their main muscle-man. The premium cable network fired back at James Gandolfini today, filing a $100 million countersuit against the actor. They claim the nine figure amount represents their potential loss if Gandolfini succeeds in sabotaging the fifth season of the show. Clearly, with both sides going to the mattresses, this feud could get ugly. Hopefully, the heads of the families can have a sit-down and settle this war out of court. Best case scenario finds the off-screen conflict influencing the subtext of the show and adding another juicy layer of on-screen tension.

"THE ELECTRIC KOOL AID ACID TEST ON TOFU"

I'm not sure I can find anyone to argue against the notion that Woody Harrelson is an eccentric. Now we have a documentary film to serve as proof. "Go Further" details Harrelson's 1,700 mile journey by hempseed oil-fueled bus from Seattle to Santa Barbara in the spring of 2001. During the THC trek, Harrelson spoke at several colleges on a range of environmental issues and brought along a support staff of stoners. In fact, Harrelson seems to play second fiddle to his elevated entourage in "Go Further."



One of the devotees on the bus is a former co-worker and acquiantence of mine named Steve Clark. Apparently, Clark eventually and inevitably takes a starring role in the dope documentary. If my experiences with him are any indication, this should prove to be a wilder ride than Mr. Toad's. Of the oodles of outrageous things I've heard him utter, the most quotable line remains: "Are you kidding? I'm doing great. A year ago, I came to town with a Bart Simpson backpack and a hit of acid. Now I have two cats and some furniture." Go as far as you need to go to see "Go Further."

SAFETY DANCE

For you kids going out to party this weekend, take a jacket in case you get cold, always use protection, and remember not to overdose.

STRONG ARM TACTICS

James Gandolfini is suing HBO in an effort to get a raise. It seems out of character to me. I mean, Tony Soprano wouldn't resort to a lawsuit, he would take matters into his own hands. This scares me though. I really need to see one last season of "The Sopranos." Unlike many critics, both professional and casual, I thought this past season was excellent. Will Tony and Carmela really get a divorce? Please, James and HBO, settle this thing amicably and cap this great show off with a season for the ages.

I'M A PIKER, YOU'RE A PIKER

Wouldn't ya like to be a Piker too?

Hello fellow Piker. My name is Johny Piker. I was very excited to stumble across you blog as I am conducting a genealogical study on the Piker family clan. Maybe you know this already, but the name Piker comes from Pike, a Native American tribe from Eastern Missouri (currently Pike county) and our ancestors were a mix of Pike tribe members and French colonialists who settled in the area prior to the Louisianna Purchase.

I am writing you because you might be a long lost Piker clan member and would therefore be very important to my work.

Please call or email me as I am very anxious to speak with you. Hopefully, we can reconnect you with your roots.

Sincerely,

Johny Piker

LAST STOP ON THE TOUR

Folks, if you could bear with me just a little longer... I know it's been a long day, but if you'll follow me once more into the Salon, we have a fine selection of lovely desserts, some port wine, and an outstanding review of the "Matisse Picasso" exhibit at the MoMA in NYC that actually inspires me to go see some art. Tell me, doesn't that self-portrait of Matisse look a lot like Ken Layne?

O YEAH

One of my favorite filmmakers is making another comedy. David O. Russell, director of "Spanking the Monkey," "Flirting With Disaster," and "Three Kings," is at it again. This time he's taking on existentialism in a movie tentatively titled "I Love Huckabee's". Check out that cast!

PUT A SPELL ON ME

Every year I get hooked after watching about a minute and a half of the Scipps Howard National Spelling Bee. I love the poise and personality some of the kids show. The one spelling bee I remember participating in, I got ousted on the word "beautiful," after failing to include the "a." Needless to say, I never spelled it wrong again. When I first heard about the documentary "Spellbound," which follows eight kids on their quest to make it to the national finals, I was really amped to see it. Then I forgot about it. Today I was reminded of it again by David Poland in his Oscar Column for Movie City News. Of course, now I'm beyond amped -- I'm stoked to see it.

DEFINE "CELEBRITY"

Piker's favorite TV critic braved the "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" marathon and lived to write about it. Once again, please follow me into the Salon. Watch your step and keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

AIR YABOS

It's rush week for the Mile High Club. Some doubted it would ever happen, but Hooters Air has taken flight, "servicing" a clientele made up mostly of southern gentlemen golfers on their maiden voyage from Atlanta to Myrtle Beach. Hookers Air can't be far behind.

CLUTCH CARGO GIG

HBO is back in the Jack Black business. The premium channel continues to get in bed with the most talented people around. You would think that somewhere somehow another network would take a cue from Home Box Office and offer complete creative freedom to showrunners and writers with vision.

Jack Black is one of the funniest guys around, and now he's really busy too. JB is teaming with Will Ferrell on a film comedy for New Line Cinema, which besides being my occassional employer is also the studio producing the Tenacious D project. If that weren't enough, JB is also co-starring with Ben Stiller in "Envy", a big summer movie directed by Barry Levinson, and "The School of Rock" for "Dazed and Confused" helmer Richard Linklater, which will be coming out in the fall.

My only fear is that with all of these projects scattered around town, Jack Black will become overexposed to the public at large. However, on a personal level, I'm not too concerned because I think he's hysterical and I'll see just about anything he's in. The more JB the merrier.

TORO, KOBE, AND THE DAVER

I had one of the best meals of my life last night with one of my best friends in the whole wide world. D-Laz was in town for business and treated me to a night at Matsuhisa, Nobu's original restaurant. It was surprisingly easy to get a reservation. Apparently, Mondays are the way to go if you just want to eat the delicious food and not concern yourself with the star-studded crowd. We ate five mouth-watering courses of delicacies -- Toro Tartare, Kobe Beef, Rock Schimp, Scallops, and Yellowtail Sashimi with Jalepeno -- and drank cold sake. I felt like a king.

The Daver and his lovely wife Meg have one of those adorable brand-new babies. Tell me this kid isn't cute. Go ahead. I dare you.

TV'S BEST

Six Feet Under is back to take its rightful place at the apex of television. I've heard a lot of grumbling that people weren't so keen on the season premiere. I thought it was an excellent episode that expertly lays the groundwork for what I'm sure will be another phenomenal season. I'd like to think that I have some insight into the show, but for a true in-depth take on the pride of TV, kindly make your way into the Salon.

GOING TO LANGERADO?

Langerado, the music festival taking its name from one of my screen monikers, put on by my brother's best friend, born out of a company they formed together called South Florida Jams, is going off this weekend. The list of bands reads like a who's who of the jamband world and the event is sure to be something that South Florida has never experienced before. I'm proud of my brother and his best friend for believing in something and building a scene in true grassroots tradition. Kudos.

ARE YOU HOT?, THE SEARCH FOR THE WORLD'S SEXIEST PEOPLE

ROUND TWO

ARE YOU HOT?, THE SEARCH FOR THE WORLD'S SEXIEST PEOPLE

ROUND ONE

OR

KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL

As Frank the Tank (Will Ferrell) said to his wife at the end of a conversation after a funeral in which she asked for a divorce... "Good stuff." There's lots of good stuff in "Old School", which I saw this weekend with My Girl, The Rats, and My Film Geek Friend. We all laughed a lot and had a good time, but as is the case with most film comedies, most of the "good stuff" comes in the first two thirds of the movie. Overall, it's a pretty funny movie. I would say the funniest since "Rat Race". But, with a big brother like "Animal House" to look up to, "Old School" could have and should have been a lot better. It seemed like they could have been more playful with a bunch of the material, both on the page and on the set. In particular, I was disappointed by the gymnastics competition at the end. Will Ferrell's floor exercise was funny, but it seemed restrained and too short. Vince Vaughn hanging on the rings with a cigarette dangling from his lip was a funny visual from the trailer, but it didn't go beyond that. The scene built to the fat fraternity pledge completing a successful vault, but it was nothing. It wasn't a laugh and it wasn't satisfying. The entire sequence felt rushed. In theory, I don't think it's a bad idea to push the movie in the direction of a fraternity competition, but where is the climactic party scene? How could they not throw a bash in the dethroned dean's residence?

Ellen Pompeo is something special. She sparkled on the screen. She's adorable. But, why wasn't the relationship story worked into the main fraternity arc. It was like a B story that grazed but never quite intersected with the A story. And then she conveniently comes to him at the end, after he's decided to leave the frat life behind, and after she's discovered -- off screen! -- that Craig Kilborn is a prick. I could have told her that after watching one segment of his crappy late-night show. Another subplot which went nowhere fast was Luke Wilson sleeping with the high school girl who turns out to be the daughter of his boss. Where were the stakes in that story? His boss never found out about it, and when push came to shove, Luke stood up to him and told him what was what and where to go, but we never even saw him kowtow to his boss in the first place. No logic. No payoff. No punchline.

Having said all that, I thought there were a lot of strong laughs. Both the casting and the use of music were outstanding. The big party scene and the fraternity rush scene both contained a lot of fun energy and were paced well. The birthday party scene in which Will Ferrell shoots himself in the neck with the tranquilizer gun was hysterical. As was Will Ferrell streaking naked through the streets. His level of committment to comedy is astounding and I really enjoyed seeing him let loose on the big screen. Vince Vaughn was excellent in a part written extremely well for him. This was the best he's come off in a movie since "Swingers". Even as a straight man, Luke Wilson could have been funnier, but he's likable and he didn't hurt the movie. Jeremy Piven as the villian was so-so. His part wasn't written that funny and he didn't seem to find anything to really play with. Had the antagonist role been stronger, I think the main trio would have had to elevate their collective game to another level to defeat him and the plot would have been strengthened. All in all, though, I was pretty satisfied. I've learned to sufficiently lower my expectations in the third act of film comedies. Rarely does a silly comedy build to a third act punchline that is actually funnier than the setup. I laughed enough in the first two thirds of the thing to walk out of the theater thinking it was a funny movie that I would recommend. But, with a more sure-handed presence guiding the comedy, "Old School" could have been one for the ages.

THE END OF ENNUI

Of course, as soon as I go bitching about the lack of exciting news in the world, the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks is captured.

I do love the photo of that bastard on the front of every newspaper in America. Clearly, he's not a morning person. I can just imagine him complaining about his picture in the paper -- "Why couldn't you use the one of me as the sheik? I look so dashing in that one, with the headpiece and the full beard and those cool ass tinted shades. What about the headshot? For allah's sake, you couldn't just use my headshot?!"

SNOOZEFEST 2003

What a boring week for news.

WE KNOW COMEDY

ABC asserted their strong committment to the unfunny today by picking up a total of 10 shows for next season. In addition to "Alias," "The Bachelor," and "The Bachelorette," the network announced pickups for first-year sitcoms "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter," "Life With Bonnie" and "Less Than Perfect"; second-year sitcoms "According to Jim" and "George Lopez"; and stalwart "My Wife and Kids." And, they showed their equally strong committment to quality hard-hitting programming by renewing "America's Funniest Home Videos."

This just in: Comedy writers say the best way to break into comedy writing is... be funny.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, BUT NOT IN HERE

Nearly two weeks after the "Live From the Blogosphere" panel, the LA Times decided to run a piece on the event, called "Into the Blog". The story is a very basic account of the evening, containing no actual insight "into the blog", and such a narrow perspective, you'd think the bloggers on the panel were the only ones who knew how to type. The only tidbit I liked was the comparison of the "brainy and sexy" Rabbit to Agent Scully. But, honestly, anyone who knows the Rabbit personally, knows that she would whip Scully's ass in a brainy and sexy contest. This article is two dollars short and two weeks too late. It was covered in greater detail and with more flair on a host of blogs during and immediately following the festivities. With this kind of reporting from the LA Times, I think I'll take the advice put forth in the last line of the anemic article:

"Tonight, a community. Tomorrow, an empire. But for now, boot up and read about it on a blog."

Come on, guy.

SAY IT AIN'T SO, JOE

Fox announced plans today to unleash a second installment of mega-hit "Joe Millionaire". This should not come as a shock to anyone. Although logic would dictate that the sly network could only pull of the gigantic prank once, the ratings were just too damned good not to try it again. The finale scored numbers in the same league as the Academy Awards and propeled Fox to a surprise sweeps win in the coveted adults 18-49 demographic. They have to do another one. If they don't, it would be the equivalent of a movie studio failing to make a sequel to a huge summer smash that screamed franchise. It would be like riding Space Mountain for the first time and never going on it again. It would be like going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell at three in the morning after a night of serious partying and only ordering a single beef supreme chalupa.

Now, if they can somehow manage to cast some interesting people, hire a talented editor, and dream up a more clever twist, "Joe Millionaire II" might be worth watching.

THIS IS A NIGHT FOR AMERICANS! AND A DAY FOR DANIEL

After winning the BAFTA award for Best Actor for his role in "Gangs of New York," Oscar front-runner and notorious nutbar Daniel Day-Lewis is giving in. He has agreed to follow up his cutting edge turn as Bill the Butcher with yet another acting gig, a family drama that will be a family affair. His wife, Rebecca Miller, daughter of famed playwright Arthur Miller, co-wrote the script and will direct the Academy Award winner in "Rose and the Snake."

Daniel Day comes clean in a decent Rolling Stone interview.

PUSHING JUNK

I'm in the midst of trying to kick my reality TV habit while network programmers plan a forced overdose. They're like drug dealers handing out free samples, knowing full well that I lack the will power to resist. But am I killing my own career by watching?

PUSHING THE RIGHT BUTTONS

For some time now I've been touting a film column called The Hot Button. This weekend I finally got to meet the man behind the column and I can thankfully report that David Poland is as engaging and entertaining in person as he is on the page. Today's Hot Button contains mentions of both Fox's Master and Commander move and the impromptu bash I sort of co-hosted this weekend. Accompanying David was Movie City News film columnist Ray Pride, who proved to be a veritable font of film knowledge and all-around fun guy. His column, Pride Unprejudiced is now on my must-read list. Newcomers to that list also include Luke Ford, Mickey Kaus, and James Lileks. But I still love my mainstays -- Rabbit Blog, Ken Layne, Matt Welch, Emmanuelle Richard, and Tony Pierce, who were all representing at said bash, styling and profiling as usual.

PUSH IT BACK, PUSH IT BACK, WAY BACK

Thanks to a little release date shuffle, my Master and Commander pick for Best Picture just got a major boost. I'm sure someone at Fox read Piker last week, saw that I thought it had Oscar potential, and decided to better position the film for nominations. Finally, people are starting to pay attention to the Piker.

SATURDAY AT THE SALON

HBO debuted a couple of new late-night shows last night -- "Real Time With Bill Maher" and "Da Ali G Show". I was actually working, if you can believe it, and did not get to see them. Thankfully, the resident TV critic at Salon did. Hey, it's Saturday, so sit back, relax, and read it here. Pamper yourself. You deserve it.

THE PRODUCERS GAME

My Film Geek Friend got me to enter a year-long movie geek game this week. The "Producers Game" is like a fantasy league for movies, where you are asked to forecast the upcoming year in film. You are provided a packet of 2003 Sneaks, which lists almost every movie coming out during the year with loglines, participants, distributors, and likely release dates. You are not confined to choosing from the movies that are listed, so if you uncover an omission in your research, you might attain some form of competitive advantage. Just as in sports fantasy leagues, there are some known quantities, but a lot of it is educated guesswork. So, I read through the packet, did some cursory research, meditated, flipped a few coins, then made my picks. Without much in the way of insider information, I found myself choosing to champion certain movies on sheer instinct alone. After all, the prevailing motto in this town amongst cynics is: "Nobody knows anything." Without furthur adieu, here are the categories and my predictions:


Top Ten Box Office Hits
1. The Matrix: Reloaded
2. The Matrix: Revolutions
3. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
4. The Hulk
5. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
6. Bruce Almighty
7. Finding Nemo
8. Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat
9. The Last Samurai
10. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle

Alternate:
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World


Number One Movie of the Summer
My pick: The Matrix: Reloaded
Reason: Groundbreaking effects. Highly anticipated summer sequel.

Alternate: The Hulk


Number One Christmas Movie
My pick: The Matrix: Revolutions
Reason: Groundbreaking effects. Momentum from Reloaded.

Alternate: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King


Ten Academy Award Nominated Films
(any category acceptable)
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
2. Cold Mountain
3. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
5. The Alamo
6. J.M. Barrie's Neverland
7. Mona Lisa Smile
8. The Matrix: Reloaded
9. The Matrix: Revolutions
10. The Last Samurai

Alternate: Intolerable Cruelty


Five Best Actor/Supporting Actor Nominations
1. Russell Crowe -- Master and Commander
2. Jude Law -- Cold Mountain
3. Philip Seymour Hoffman -- Cold Mountain
4. Jim Carrey -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
5. Dustin Hoffman -- Neverland

Alternate: Cuba Gooding -- Radio


Five Best Actress/Supporting Actress Nominations
1. Julia Roberts -- Mona Lisa Smile
2. Nicole Kidman -- Cold Mountain
3. Kate Winslet -- Neverland
4. Samantha Morton -- In America
5. Gwyneth Paltrow -- Untitled Sylvia Plath Project

Alternate: Keisha Castle-Hughes -- Whale Rider


Best Director Nominations
1. Peter Jackson -- TLOTR: The Return of the King
2. Anthony Minghella -- Cold Mountain
3. Peter Weir -- Master and Commander
4. Andy and Larry Wachowski -- The Matrix: Revolutions
5. Marc Forster -- Neverland

Alternate: Lars Von Trier -- Dogville


Worst Picture Nominated Films (as determined by the Golden Rasberry Awards)
1. From Justin to Kelly
2. The Haunted Mansion
3. Gigli
4. Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
5. Freddy vs. Jason

Alternate: Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights


Best Picture Nominated Films
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
2. Cold Mountain
3. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
4. Neverland
5. Mona Lisa Smile

Alternate: The Alamo


Best Picture
And the winner is: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Reason: Because it's time to annoint Peter Jackson and honor the trilogy.

Alternate: Cold Mountain


You are also encouraged to submit a list of your Top Five Favorite Films of 2002, but that part is optional and doesn't count toward the competition.

My Top Five Favorite Films of 2002
1. Adaptation
2. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
3. The Hours
4. About Schmidt
5. Y Tu Mama Tambien

OUT OF LEFT FIELD... PIKER IN RIGHT FIELD

REALITY REHAB

I took the first step to breaking my reality television habit on Monday night. Instead of staying home to watch the "Joe Millionaire" finale, I went to see a movie instead. Some might say that's just replacing one addiction with another, but it's progress. I didn't even tape it. Of course, I knew My Girl was recording on TiVo and called her as soon as I got home to find out what had happened. When she told me that Evan had picked Zora and the twist was the show cutting them a check for a million bucks, I was glad I didn't watch it. Everyone I know who did watch it said it was boring. And, having watched most of the previous episodes, that doesn't surprise me much. Counting last week's recap show and the first hour of the final episode featuring the girls yapping about their experience, they took what should have been a one hour finale and stretched it into three hours. Plus, the reunion show next week. But, despite that, the ratings were through the roof, with nearly the same amount of viewers tuning in to the finale as last year's Academy Awards ceremony. I'm taking pride in the fact that I cannot be counted amongst that huge chunk of Americans who can say that they saw the finale of "Joe Millionaire."

Instead, I went to go see "The Pianist" and was engaged, engrossed, even mesmerized by the extremely well-executed WWII movie. Adrien Brody, a personal favorite from "Summer of Sam" and "Liberty Heights," gave a vividly sympathetic performance that was vital to the story, which was strictly told from the title character's point-of-view. It's not an easy movie to stomach, but it grabs you, shakes you, and doesn't let you go. Save for the occassional cough, there was absolutely no noise and no talking during the screening. Of course, the Holocaust is such a solemn and monumentally painful subject that it's hard to gear yourself up to go see movies like this, but "The Pianist" is ultimately a story of survival. Unlike most Jews living in Poland at the time, Wladyslaw Szpilman made it out alive, and it was his autobiography that was the basis for the movie. It's important that these kinds of movies keep getting made to remind us of both the potential for great evil and even greater good that lie within us. And they teach us never to forget. We must never forget. I feel like I did something absolutely worthwhile with my Monday evening by seeing this movie and remembering. It was satisfying. Much more so than feeding my addiction by grasping for a voyeuristic thrill and a cheap fix, then hating myself afterwards.

SLOPPY SECONDS

The Hot Button's passion for "Adaptation" is contagious. I finally got around to reading Poland's scene-by-scene breakdown of the film, publsihed in three parts -- Act I, Act II, Act III -- and I caught the fever. I had to see it again. So, this weekend, I saw "Adaptation" at The Grove for the second time. Poland's take on the movie illuminated a level that I sort of missed when I first saw it. I wouldn't say I missed the level entirely, but I didn't delve into it nearly as deeply as Poland's review does. I loved "Adaptation" the first time, and armed with an added layer of understanding and appreciation, I loved it just as much the second time. I overreacted to "The Hours" and placed it above "Adaptation" on my Golden Dozen List for 2002, but "Adaptation" is unquestionably my favorite movie of the year. I would venture to say it's brilliant, especially the screenplay, which should win the Oscar and give the movie its just due. Chris Cooper will probably take home the little bald gold guy for Best Supporting Actor as well. Those wins would be more than justified, given that the best film of 2002 wasn't even nominated for Best Picture.

Warning: Poland's review may be full of insight, but it's also full of proofreading errors. If you've seen the movie once, you'll be able to navigate your way through the mistakes. For instance, when Poland writes "Charlie is dead," you'll figure out that he meant to write "Donald is dead." I wish he would have proofread the piece carefully, because the errors detract from an otherwise outstanding dissection of a complicated film. I still believe it's a worthwhile read. I'm confident you'll want to see the movie again after reading it, unless you're smarter than me and got the whole thing on the first go-round. If you have not seen "Adaptation" yet, I recommend you see it first before reading the spoiler-filled review. And by all means, go see it, the box office take is still far below what it should be for a movie of this quality.

PENIS MYSTERY SOLVED

Using shrewd deductive reasoning, I have concluded that the web page claiming to contain a picture of my penis was a hoax. The penis in the picture does not belong to me. My girlfriend certainly didn't post it. My mom didn't even send it. Some practical joker/hacker somehow made it appear that the email was coming from my mother, but when questioned, my mother didn't know anything about it. I smelled foul play. When I took a closer look at the penis in question, I realized that the web page had been altered to purposely attribute the sad schlong to me. Following some lengthly research, at long last I unearthed the original page. I'm not sure if this Schiffer fellow was responsible for the hoax or not, but my deepest sympathies go out to him if that is indeed a picture of his pathetic putz.

ROTTEN TO THE CORE

On Friday night, a very good film geek friend and Piker enthusiast convinced My Girl and I to attend a midnight movie at The Nuart. The only thing he told us about "The Apple" was that it's so bad it turns deliciously good. Taking his vague description and obvious excitement on faith, we ventured into West L.A. minutes before midnight. Lo and behold, many many more film geeks got wind of the special screening, the first of this campy musical in 20 years! It was a scene. "Dimented and sad, but social." The massive throng waited patiently and in an orderly fashion, as the line wound its way around the corner. Hurriedly, I dropped My Film Geek Friend and My Girl off at the entrance and desperately searched for a parking spot. After finally finding a legitimate place to leave my car, I rushed to find my crew in line. After scanning the entire length of the line, I still had not found them. Then I realized that was the line for the box office! Another line of movie goobers was making its way around the opposite corner of the theater, all the way down the alley, anxiously waiting for the opportunity to enter and score some seats. Luckily, I found My Film Geek Friend (MFGF) and My Girl in the seat line and was reunited with my crew. Just in time too. Apparently, My Film Geek Friend was so amped up by the scene, he was driving My Girl mad, rapidly ranting how we were part of the beginning of something special... the creation of a new Rocky Horror Picture Show phenomenon. At long last, the line began to move and within moments a big-haired big guy was ripping our ticket stubs. MFGF sprinted into the theater and corraled us some prime seats. A few minutes later, the big-haired big guy was standing on the little stage in front of the screen and counting down the top-drawing midnight movies in the Nuart's history, ramping up to the new #1, "The Apple", with a paid attendence of some 350 nerds. Apparently, the big-haired big guy worked very hard to get people to come see this movie and was astonished at just how successful his campaign had been. "How did you people find out?", asked the curious curator. I don't know how everyone else got there, but I sure know that MFGF was responsible for getting My Girl and I into that theater for what turned out to be an incredible movie experience. I now understand why MFGF did not and could not describe the movie to us beyond "It's so bad it's good." "The Apple" is jaw-droppingly rotten, so much so that you can't help but laugh out loud, shake your head, and ask "What were they thinking?" The answer to that question was provided by an opening reel of trailers by Golan-Globus, the producer-director team responsible for "The Apple" and other such dreck, including "Sword of the Barbarians" and "Schizoid." Their intentions were to collect as many overseas movie-going dollars as possible and nothing more. Little did they know, they were unintentionally creating cult classics in the process.

HOT AS HELL

As predicted on this site several days ago, reality TV bottomed out with the debut of "Are You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People." Frankly, I felt a little sick to my stomach after watching the show, like I had done something bad. And I didn't even get to see "Countdown to Hotness," the one hour lead-in to the premiere, which chronicled the audition process. For a well-articulated, professionally-restrained review of this brutally awful show, step lively into the Salon. When they ask you if you want to read the rest of the article, click the Free Day Pass access link, if you're not already a subscribing member.

It's nice to know that America still has its priorities straight, as "Survivor: Amazon" clobbered "Are You Hot?" in the Nielson ratings. The premiere numbers for the latest installment of the fading franchise seemed to indicate that the granddaddy of the current reality TV craze is not dead yet. Personally, I don't have much interest in watching the show anymore. In fact, after suffering through "Are You Hot?" I don't have much interest in watching any reality TV anymore. But, I do have to tune in for the finales of "Joe Millionaire" and "The Bachelorette" this week, if for nothing else than a sense of completion. And, My Girl did just get TiVo...

A TASTY GROOVE: COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

Tenacious D is selling out. In the best way, of course. New Line Cinema has struck a deal with The D to make a feature film and I have a feeling my friend and former housemate Richard Brener had something to do with it. As a matter of fact, when we lived together with three other friends in a giant gaudy house in the Fairfax District, I used to walk down to Largo's on Monday nights for Alternative Comedy night. Frequently, JB and KG would close out the night with one of their hilarious sets. Some nights, I was one of five or six people left in the bar to see it. It's one of the few things I can say I was in on before it blew up. Jack Black is one of the funniest guys working in Hollywood these days and we are in desperate need of some funny film comedies. I'm hoping this one will deliver.

I've also gotten my hopes up that Old School will force me to bust a gut. 'Cause, lord knows, my gut needs a bustin'.

HEY, THAT'S NOT MY PENIS!

My mom sent me this link and asked if my girlfriend posted it.

HI, MY NAME IS PIKER, AND I AM AN ADDICT

My addiction to reality television has reached its peak. On Monday, I watched "Joe Millionaire", despite my constant complaints to anyone who will listen that the show is truly awful in every way. I tuned in because I thought the damn thing was going to come to a climax and we, the audience, would find out which lame girl the lame dude would choose. I also suspected that there would be a twist on a twist, whereby something else would be revealed to top the disclosure that Joe Millionaire is really Joe Liar, a lowly construction worker (moonlighting as an underwear model). Would Evan select Sarah the former fetish film actress? Or would he pick the neurotic, self-conscious Zora, who seems to have psychically known all along that he was keeping a secret? Well, as it turned out, all that was revealed was just how bad television could be, as the entire hour was devoted to a crappy recap of the previous episodes and a cliffhanger ending. After it was over, I wanted to hang myself over a cliff. I was so upset that I watched it. It ruined my night. Yet, I will still watch it next week for the same reasons that I wanted to watch it this week. But I don't know why. I don't like it. I don't get any pleasure out of it. I hate everyone on the show except the butler. It must be the addiction.

I vowed not to watch "American Idol" beyond the first few audition episodes. I loved laughing at the bad singers and didn't really want to jump on the train when it got rolling toward the top ten. But, I got hooked. It became apparent that this time around would be different, featuring a bunch of people who don't look like the American Idol but can sure sing. So I watched it last night and was proven right. The two best performances were turned in by Ruben, an offensive lineman-sized black man with a sweet voice and a gentle spirit, and Kimberly, an overweight black girl with tons of talent. The rest of the show sucked. The good-looking people couldn't sing, couldn't move, and failed to infuse their performances with the slightest bit of soul. One other such contestant who fit the mold, Frenchie, who was set to appear in one of the next two episodes, will not get her chance to strut her stuff. American Idol kicked Frenchie off the show today. Apparently, she posed nude for a Internet porn site a few years back in order to get the money to pay her tuition at Howard University. Frenchie is an amazing singer and word has it that Simon's production company is going to help her career along. But with all of these skeletons in the closet keeping the folks at The Smoking Gun busy, one has to ask, is anyone at these reality shows doing background checks? The very real possibility exists that they are doing the checks and choosing to use the controversy to boost ratings.

I expect the cultural nadir to be reached tomorrow night with the premiere of "Are You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People".

Thank the TV lord for 24.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

OSCAR ODDS

My secret underworld connection just emailed me the early odds for the Oscar races. I cannot divulge my source or my connection's source, but for the sake of pure fun, let's assume both are credible. Please be advised: This site will not be accepting wagers on the event. These odds are for entertainment purposes only.

BEST PICTURE
Chicago............................................................ -250
The Hours......................................................... +250
Gangs of New York......................................... +450
LOTR: The Two Towers.................................. +800
The Pianist........................................................+1400

BEST DIRECTOR 
Martin Scorsese.............................................. -143
Rob Marshall.................................................... +200
Stephen Daldry................................................ +350
Roman Polanski.............................................. +600
Pedro Almodóvar............................................ +1000

BEST ACTOR
Daniel Day-Lewis............................................ -143
Jack Nicholson................................................ +110
Adrien Brody................................................... +500
Nicolas Cage.................................................. +1000
Michael Caine................................................ +1400

BEST ACTRESS
Nicole Kidman................................................ +100
Julianne Moore............................................... +130
Renée Zellweger............................................ +400
Diane Lane..................................................... +550
Salma Hayek.................................................. +1300

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper.................................................. -200
Ed Harris........................................................ +350
Paul Newman................................................ +400
Christopher Walken...................................... +600
John C. Reilly................................................. +1000

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS  
Meryl Streep.................................................. -125
Catherine Zeta-Jones.................................. +110
Julianne Moore............................................. +500
Kathy Bates.................................................. +700
Queen Latifah............................................... +1600

DON'T THANK THE ACADEMY QUITE YET

The Academy Award nominations are out and my predictions weren't too far off. It seemed like I went four out of five in most categories, but no worse than three out of five. "Gangs of New York" bumped out both "About Schmidt" and "Adaptation", both of which are superior movies. Peter Jackson not being nominated for directing "The Two Towers" is wrong. I didn't see "Talk To Her", but I can't help but feel that the slot belonged to Jackson. A trio of acting nominations for "Adaptation", but, as I predicted, no love for director Spike Jonze. Apparently, the Academy loved everything about "Chicago"... except Richard Gere. Happy to see Nic Cage get the nod. Very surprised that Meryl Streep didn't get in for "The Hours". She was fantastic in the film, as she is in everything. I didn't see Frida, so I can't really comment on Salma taking her spot. But Streep did earn a nomination in the supporting category for "Adaptation" and that gave her a record 13 nominations, pushing her past Katherine Hepburn's 12 noms. Even though I put him in with my heart, I knew in my head that Ray Liotta wouldn't make it, but it stings a bit that John C. Reilly took the spot for "Chicago". Nothing against John C., who's a terrific actor, but I was not a big fan of the "Chicago" and did not think his performance merited a place in the top five. Liotta was robbed. Best Supporting Actress was the one category that I nailed, but it's somewhat tainted by the fact that "Chicago" placed two actresses in the category. The movie is simply overrated. "About Schmidt" and "The Two Towers" both should have been nominated for adapted screenplay. "About a Boy" was a pretty entertaining movie, but doesn't deserve to be honored over "Schmidt" or "Towers". And finally, poor Antwone Fisher, both the man and the movie. No screenplay nom, no nominations at all for the film. But, I loved "Y Tu Mama Tambien" and was pleasantly surprised to see it recognized for Best Original Screenplay.

Apparently, Harvey Weinstein has his name on four of the five Best Picture nominees. David Poland's a little peeved that Harvey held so much sway over the Academy.

No one nomination surprised me all that much. Besides the over-nominated, over-hyped "Chicago" and some sentimental noms for "Gangs of New York", it's a pretty deserving list that's representative of an excellent year in cinema.

OSCAR THE GROUCH

Oscar nominations will be announced tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning for us West Coasters. As big a geek as I am about this stuff, I will not be waking up to hear them read live. I will try to get my eight hours in and then check them when I awake. As is tradition, this being the eve of the Academy Award announcements and all, the nominations for The Golden Rasberry Awards were announced today. There was a lot of crap to choose from, and I don't necessarily agree with some of this year's worst picture selections (I really liked Sweatpants Britney and the action scenes from Episode II), but here are the 2003 Razzies:

WORST PICTURE
The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Crossroads
Pinocchio
Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Swept Away

=================================

On to the good stuff. Prediction time.

BEST PICTURE
The Hours
Chicago
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Pianist
About Schmidt

The Victim: Adaptation

BEST DIRECTOR
Martin Scorsese (Gangs of New York)
Stephen Daldry (The Hours)
Roman Polanski (The Pianist)
Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)
Rob Marshall (Chicago)

The Victim: Spike Jonze (Adaptation)

BEST ACTOR
Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt)
Daniel Day-Lewis (Gangs of New York)
Michael Caine (The Quiet American)
Adrien Brody (The Pianist)
Richard Gere (Chicago)

The Victim: Nicolas Cage (Adaptation)

THE BEST ACTRESS
Nicole Kidman (The Hours)
Julianne Moore (Far From Heaven)
Meryl Streep (The Hours)
Renee Zellweger (Chicago)
Diane Lane (Unfaithful)

The Victim: Salma Hayek (Frida)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper (Adaptation)
Ed Harris (The Hours)
Paul Newman (Road to Perdition)
Christopher Walken (Catch Me If You Can)
Ray Liotta (Narc)

The Victims: Alfred Molina (Frida), Dennis Quaid (Far From Heaven)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kathy Bates (About Schmidt)
Meryl Streep (Adaptation)
Julianne Moore (The Hours)
Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago)
Queen Latifah (Chicago)

The Victim: None

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Adaptation (Charlie and the fictional Donald Kaufman)
The Hours (David Hare)
Chicago (Bill Condon)
About Schmidt (Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor)
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (4 writers)

The Victim: The Pianist (Ronald Harwood)

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Far From Heaven (Todd Haynes)
Gangs of New York (Jay Cocks, Kenneth Lonergan, and Steven Zallian)
Antwone Fisher (Antwone Fisher)
Talk To Her (Pedro Almodovar)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (Nia Vardalos)

The Victim: Y Tu Mama Tambien (Alfonso Cuaron and Carlos Cuaron)